tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72904905447630159422024-03-05T03:30:51.375-08:00pandamonium.how i went from fat to less fat to more fat and so on...and some nonsense unrelated to dietsAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.comBlogger140125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-86648713836880538772020-06-29T13:53:00.000-07:002020-06-29T13:53:07.901-07:00I'm still here. Not all of me, but some of me.I don't know if anyone ever stumbles into this space anymore, but I wanted to update you, just in case. Plus I'm trying to make it til 5:10 at work so I can feed some stray cats at the office next door after all of their busybodies go home! <br /><br />It's now been almost 9 months since my surgery, and I'm down 93 pounds. I went from a size 24 to a size 12, and I'm between M-L shirts. My whole life feels different now. I'm happier, I don't have aches and pains, and I'm even dating. Even during Covid quarantine when I gave up on life and just settled into a diet of ice cream and goldfish crackers, I only gained a few pounds because I can't eat very much, even when I turn to junk. So June 1st I decided to get back on the wagon, and I dropped 15 pounds fast.<br />
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Just do it. Get the sleeve. You can spend your whole life fighting this demon, or you can get a quick procedure and get all of the help that you've deserved all along. I wondered if I was doing something TOO drastic. Nope. It was just the right amount of drastic to take me out of prison and show me what life is supposed to be like.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-91604088650557008262019-11-19T14:01:00.002-08:002019-11-19T14:01:29.728-08:00Forty-OneI weighed in today and am officially down 41 pounds from the day I started my pre-op liquid diet, September 21st. I won't mind if this pace continues for another 40 pounds! People are really starting to notice now, which I didn't expect until I'd hit at least 50. That's what it took the last time I dropped a lot of weight.<br />
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I had egg salad from a local health food store for lunch. It didn't sit well. I'm going to dinner with my fellow non-meat-eating friends tonight. The restaurant has a special with butternut squash and vegan sausage. My tummy is still angry from lunch, so I'm a little nervous about dinner. But I want to support any restaurant that makes an effort to include creative vegetarian, pescatarian and vegan meals.<br />
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So my eating style is kind of hard, because I could and should be eating chicken and turkey at this point. But I don't want to. I did make some exceptions in recovery for some chicken broth and beef broth because I didn't have many options...or sometimes any options. But now that I'm mostly fully recovered, I'm back to only eating fish/seafood and no other meat. But I have to watch because I had tuna 4x in 2 days over the weekend, and I'll end up sick if I keep that up. Soon I can add back in shrimp which will help. Anyway, I eat low carb, low calorie, moderate fat, high protein. Nectar protein shakes are a huge help. But they aren't meal replacements, as they really only contain protein and no other nutritional value. They sure taste good though, mixed with Fairlife white milk.<br />
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Off to dinner now. I know this is boring, but I'm just trying to stay in the habit of writing.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-67083375047665820662019-11-18T14:10:00.002-08:002019-11-18T14:17:27.865-08:00Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Slightly Smaller Non-Bikini You guys. I SUCK at writing this blog. It's mainly because I don't have a computer at home, and I'm not about to start typing blogs on my phone.<br />
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But I do NOT suck at this diet. I'm so sorry I left you behind during pre-op. You've missed ALL of <br />
the good parts. After that last blog post things got pretty easy on the liquid diet. Once my period GTFO of the way, my hunger left with it. By the second week I was forcing myself to drink Powerade Zero just to survive, but I didn't want much of anything. I'd make soup, taste it, then dump it. <br />
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I flew out at 6am on surgery day, October 5th. The whole way there I was thinking that I could just get off the plane, rent a car, and drive up the coast from San Diego to LA, visiting taco and margarita bars on the shore, ultimately ending up at Disneyland with a Dole Whip and churro in hand. Thankfully I had in-flight internet and my friend Laurie made me PROMISE I'd call the valet to pick me up and take me to the hospital.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6rUO4sQJi2LcFKq12vNPJXZVHaw8BdO1yk9PcdEOHwS69QSGKtV7PQsNdDbVgJ1bSaPOcD2J2sBi9db2xyWq8zALA5UB-VqdeJO52TySXkcMXaQA_whzbHkTRvkTr5L9A4VMD3P5gUU/s1600/IMG_2358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6rUO4sQJi2LcFKq12vNPJXZVHaw8BdO1yk9PcdEOHwS69QSGKtV7PQsNdDbVgJ1bSaPOcD2J2sBi9db2xyWq8zALA5UB-VqdeJO52TySXkcMXaQA_whzbHkTRvkTr5L9A4VMD3P5gUU/s200/IMG_2358.jpg" width="200" /></a>When I landed I already had a text from my valet, Juan. He picked me up curbside and drove me 20 minutes across the border into Tijuana. It was shocking to see there was NOTHING to do to cross the border. You can get in with no questions asked.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Zhf8Rk3mASw4Wu-2rtMydNnczUXcZ9Vq3ToMRFCcRlRdMIgzQ-ot2xmusiSZn3N2iODlZyaWouao5DuWWMkC8kS3pJpHy6aI3RbBESChtYjlrljx6F3q-QkaHM0u6y2hLqN6zH373gI/s1600/IMG_2391.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Zhf8Rk3mASw4Wu-2rtMydNnczUXcZ9Vq3ToMRFCcRlRdMIgzQ-ot2xmusiSZn3N2iODlZyaWouao5DuWWMkC8kS3pJpHy6aI3RbBESChtYjlrljx6F3q-QkaHM0u6y2hLqN6zH373gI/s200/IMG_2391.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Hospital BC is just another 5 miles or so, inside a gate, overlooking the city. It was a beautiful entryway, which made me feel so good right away. Sunshine and scenery! I started filling out paperwork right away, and then everything happened SO FAST. They drew my blood and took xrays of my guts. Then I went to my room where I got changed into my gown and compression stockings. At that point I met the surgeon, anesthesiologist, cardiologist, surgical nurse, and who knows who else...it was a blur. My test results came back clear so it was off to surgery. <br />
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Now, anyone who knows me, which is none of you, knows that I've spent my entire life avoiding needles at any cost. HUGE needlephobe. It was truly remarkable how skilled these pokers were. I didn't feel the bloodwork needle at all. The IV of course didn't feel GREAT going in, but it was not bad at all. And just about the time I started to get super nervous and was ready to say "I think I'm going to go get those beach tacos..." I was OUT. <br />
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I woke up 14 seconds later in recovery, feeling surprisingly decent. I slept in my room for about an hour and then they wanted me to get up and walk. I won't lie, I was feeling nauseous at this point, and full of air. They fill your abdomen with gas to provide room for the surgery, and that gas has to go somewhere...up into your body, which hurts. The gas pain actually hurts worse than the incisions or anything inside. Walking helps more than anything, so all night long I alternated between small dry heaves into a cup and walking the halls, with a little sleep. They managed my pain very well and they were super compassionate. More than anything I wanted a drink - because it was nothing-by-mouth from midnight the previous night until the morning after surgery. I could only chew ice chips and spit it back out. I met some nice people in the hallways - other patients, and the mom of a patient. I have remained in touch with all of them and expect to be friends for a long time! <br />
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The staff was the absolute greatest, and the facility just as good - BETTER - than anything I've seen in America. Every 8 hours we had a new valet to help us with anything we needed, and the valets translated for the non-English speaking nurses. They took care of me so well, I could cry thinking about it. Since I'm single I do EVERYTHING for myself, and even though I didn't feel well, I felt truly pampered, like a spa vacation.<br />
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24 hours after surgery my mind was blown by how much better I felt. I spent the day walking and hanging out with my new friends, watching TV and talking to my mom online, who was home freaking out for no good reason. I was FINE! I took a shower, did a swallow test, then got a tray of <br />
jello and broth, juice and coffee. I slept very well that night and was dismissed the next morning. They took us to a beautiful hotel, called Real Inn Tijuana. We checked in and had an hour to rest, then <br />
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we went on an all-day tour of Tijuana. We had lunch in an awesome historic restaurant where Caesar salad was invented. We of course could only have broth, but the French Onion broth was like manna from Heaven! Just eating out on a patio in the sunshine and tasting something real was so amazing. We did some shopping, then went to the ocean. It was really sobering because the border wall runs right down the beach into the water. Kids were standing against it gazing into San Diego. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimMElLQYmoSYjMgujr4JSjoJzhFDYHoyluT5FxqoWG9vw5akHAKf3z3Y92LbAssacicGPxWGiLaeCYEV4fxbUzQM1sWu3S2BLCscJWT0wdFGXkWdOEibEIWGjt6CtcClTlwxfgdPmCdUE/s1600/IMG_2455.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimMElLQYmoSYjMgujr4JSjoJzhFDYHoyluT5FxqoWG9vw5akHAKf3z3Y92LbAssacicGPxWGiLaeCYEV4fxbUzQM1sWu3S2BLCscJWT0wdFGXkWdOEibEIWGjt6CtcClTlwxfgdPmCdUE/s200/IMG_2455.jpg" width="200" /></a>Then we visited another beach that was more of a party atmosphere. Lots
of restaurants and people hanging out, followed by a secluded private
beach...manned by a guy in a pop-up tent in a recliner who charged $2 to
drive in. It was gorgeous! And right next to a 20th Century Fox movie
studio with a giant pirate ship outside! We looked at art, and stopped
at a pharmacy to pick up all of our medications. Including the worst
part of the entire experience - BLOOD THINNER INJECTIONS.That's right...needlephobe me had to give myself injections for a week after surgery! I was absolutely panicked. But the doctor came to the hotel that night to check on me and she showed me how to do it. I wasn't reassured too much, but I was happy for the lesson. We were able to call room service and ask for a bariatric meal, and they brought me a tray of broth, apple juice and a popsicle. Plus the hospital had sent sports drinks and bouillon cubes.<br />
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The next morning the valet was waiting for me in the lobby and we made the 90 minute trip across the border. That's right...no questions coming in....90 minutes going out. It was like a street party the whole way. People selling tacos, churros, toys, magazines. Imagine how many people sit in that every day to cross into America to go to work! <br />
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The flight home wasn't too bad. My backpack was a little heavier than I should have been carrying I think. I found some soup on my layover and drank the broth on the plane. I'd booked first class to have more room to move around, which was money well spent. When I got home I drove myself home and faced my first injection. It wasn't great, I pretty much stabbed myself and bled. My nurse brother talked me through it the next day..."STRAIGHT IN, STRAIGHT OUT." I got used to it.<br />
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I spent the next day in bed, which was a Wednesday. on Thursday I picked up my dog, and by Monday I was back to work. It's truly unbelievable how easy recovery was, starting the day after surgery. Even the night of surgery, I would say I felt about the same or slightly better as having a stomach flu. Since then I've had no complications. My incisions are healing very well, and I've gone through all of the stages of eating and I have very few stages left before I can eat anything I can tolerate. I've had seared ahi tuna this week, sugar free ice cream, some soft veggies, protein chips.<br />
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And I threw away my swimsuit. I found it the other day and figured by the time I need one again, that one won't fit. I'll never be in a bikini with this cellulite and the inevitable loose skin, but I won't be in that grandma swimdress again, either. I've lost 40 pounds in less than 2 months. I've had a couple of stalls - I went 9 days without losing anything in October. Then I lost 7 pounds the next week. Screw you, period!<br />
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I blame everything weird on my gallbladder. Like if I eat too fast around other people and I feel sick. Or if I don't eat "enough." Plus I do say I'm dieting which helps. But for the most part I've been able to eat in restaurants without anyone seeming to notice me being weird. Well, 2 weeks post-op I went out with a group and I attempted to eat hummus and soup. Way too much of both. I felt like I was going to DIE and I had a complete panic attack. And we were seated at a weird table where I couldn't really easily get out to go to the restroom so I was really having a breakdown and trying to hide it. But once I got some fresh air and walked from the restaurant to the theater, I felt much better. That's the only time I've pushed my pouch too far.<br />
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If you are reading this and thinking about bariatric surgery but your insurance doesn't cover it, or you don't want to jump through all of those hoops, then I highly recommend Hospital BC in Tijuana. For under $5,000 you'll have a top-rated, certified medical team and a built-in vacation with followup care that goes on long after you come home. I have zero regrets, except for not doing this 5 years ago. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-70510982289884498312019-09-25T10:45:00.002-07:002019-09-25T10:45:26.394-07:00I lack enthusiasm Sad but true: The most exciting part of my workday is normally deciding what to have for lunch. My days severely lack entertainment now, and my enthusiasm is non-existent. I feel like I'm just living from one beverage to the next, desperate for something that tastes like something. It's not even hunger, it's pure boredom. The pleasure center of my brain is definitely located in my mouth.<br />
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Pretty much everyone says the first 3 days are the worst then it gets a lot better. FAKE NEWS. The first 3 days were a breeze. Yesterday was a little worse, and today is a giant turd. I wandered through the food aisle of the drug store thinking that some magical liquid I hadn't previously considered might jump out at me. Whopper-in-a-Cup? If I mix peanut butter and frosting together with some Snickers coffee creamer is that considered a smoothie?<br />
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Only 9 more full days of this before surgery day. Things don't improve after that as far as taste and texture go. But at least I'll feel like crap and won't want to eat, so there's that. Of course, I started my period yesterday so that's probably why I feel like a monster now. <br />
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I woke up around 6am, and my first thought was "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Like, is this real life? I'm really flying to fucking Mexico in a week to have someone I've never met carve out 80% of my stomach? I'm going to eat dime-size bites and 1/4 cup portions for the rest of my life? How did I let this happen? But I know if I bail on the surgery, I'll run face first into a pizza and that will be that. I've tried, succeeded, and failed SO many times since the age of 8....nothing is different this time. It has to be this way.<br />
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I'm down 9 pounds today. <br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-89102656936115576412019-09-24T14:01:00.000-07:002019-09-24T14:01:01.361-07:00I'm Souper, Thanks for Asking Well last night was a breeze. I had a big mug of pureed cream of celery soup. When you eat a cup of soup with a tiny spoon it takes FOREVER. So you magically feel full. I ate outside with the dog by a fire, with my favorite playlist of songs. It made the meal a nice experience despite the lack of actual food. <br /><br />Today I'm down 8 pounds. Not bad for 3 days! I did break my own rule and engage in some political banter on Facebook last night, and I can only blame the lack of food for that one because I NEVER do that. It wasn't even over the top, but the guy on the other end of it decided we aren't friends anymore. I'm a little bummed about that, but not binge on Reese's bummed. There's probably no chance of the world going back to the way it was before, right? Where people could just talk about important issues without drawing deep lines in the sand?<br />
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I've spent the day thinking about what flavor of soup I'll have tonight. The soup is getting me through because it feels like real food. I have a feeling I'll be a soup expert by the time I get to stage 3 soft foods post-op.<br />
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Boring blog, but it's all I've got. Go hug a friend and tell them love is stronger than politics. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-81762887086228488132019-09-23T14:11:00.000-07:002019-09-23T14:11:06.981-07:00The Great Gallbladder Bamboozle Well, here I am again. Fatter than ever. I think I ended up losing around 35 pounds last year. I went back to Hawaii in July and never got back on my diet when I returned. I shot up to my new highest weight ever... 255 pounds. I did finally go to a real doctor, and amazingly, my tests were pretty good. Glucose was perfect. Cholesterol not too far off the mark. Had a normal EKG. Blood pressure is still a bit high but not enough to go on meds. So I finally made a decision I've wrestled with for many years. <br /><br />Back in 2014 when I kicked B and took names on my diet, it all started with a conversation with a friend who was talking about gastric bypass surgery. I said I had to find out one last time if I could do this on my own before resorting to that. And I did! I started my diet and didn't stop til I'd lost 90 pounds. It took me exactly 2 years to lose 90 pounds and to regain 102 pounds. I realized I CAN lose weight on my own, but I can NOT keep it off. I HAVE to be on a diet at all times. If I'm eating more than 800-900 calories a day, I'm not losing weight. I see know-it-alls on Reddit all the time telling fat people that it's "simple science, calories in vs calories out." Well I'm here to tell you that I can eat 1200 well-balanced calories, exercise, and not lose weight. And at 255 pounds, I should drop weight like crazy at 1200 calories, even without exercise.<br />
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SO....I've decided to get gastric sleeve surgery. And in classic ME fashion, I'm not doing it the regular way. You know, like talking to a doctor, going through a year of psychological and medical testing, getting insurance approval. BOR-ING. No, I'm going to Mexico, alone, and getting sleeved for $4900 with exactly one month's time between my initial phone consult and surgery day. <br />
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I would never do this without some reassurance that this place and this surgeon are not back alley psychos. I have two great friends who have already been sleeved at this place, and the clinic and surgeon have the same accreditation as the top US bariatric facilities. The surgeon is a designated "master surgeon" for number of surgeries performed without complications. So I feel like I'm in good hands. As for being alone...my top two worries are just being really emotional when I wake up in pain. And, you know, dying...alone...in Tijuana. <br /><br />I don't feel comfortable telling anyone where I'm going and what I'm doing. There's enough stigma with gastric surgery, and then add the idea of going to Mexico to have it done. I'm going through quite enough mentally at the moment without getting outside opinions on my poor decision-making skills. My mom knows, even though I didn't want to tell her. She didn't take it well, and I wish I had stuck with the OG plan of telling her when I got home. A couple of friends know. But everyone else thinks I'm having my gallbladder out. I had to come up with some logical reason of why I'm on a 14-day liquid diet for pre-op. I just don't need my co-workers to have this information. I work with a couple of real b-holes. <br /><br />So the saga continues....I'm on day 3 of all liquids. Day one was depressing. Day two I pooped in my pants. And today, I feel ok. I can do this. I mean this blog all started with weeks of only drinking juice and I survived that. At least this time I can have soup and smoothies. If I had to drink mean green juice for 14 days I'd cancel the whole thing and use the money to go to Thailand to feed baby elephants. <br /><br />But for now, I'm the baby elephant, and I'm going to see this crazy idea through. It's going to be really hard, and also really exciting. And if you're willing to go on another journey with me, I'll tell you everything you never wanted to know about Mexican gastric sleeve surgery from start to finish. <br /><br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-59394776476198450072018-04-08T16:14:00.001-07:002018-04-08T16:14:25.727-07:00Fat, Fat, Wind pants, Fat.Back in the 90's a friend was describing the guys at his college. "They're all like frat, frat, wind pants, frat." Which lead to me and my friend Sarah describing ourselves as "fat, fat, wind pants, fat." And today I'm here to tell you that I am full-blown wind pants fat again.<br />
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I mean what else would I have been doing over the past 3 years? If I'd spent it getting skinny I'd have been here acting all authoritative and inspiring, giving everyone homework assignments to motivate you to be as happy and fit as ME ME ME! But instead I've been eating my weight in Reese's Cups monthly, making a charitable contribution to not one but TWO gyms that I never visit, letting the basement treadmill belt crumble from non-use, and so on.<br />
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Despite a few short-term successful efforts to lose a few pounds, I soared up to my highest-ever weight before I stepped on the scale on January 2nd, 2018. All 90-ish pounds I lost in 2013-14 came back, and they brought 12 new friends. And they were accompanied by stage II hypertension, back and joint pain, and some other unpleasant symptoms of fatness I'm unwilling to disclose. Even my super emergency fat clothes didn't fit anymore. The once roomy 2X's gave way for new 3X's. For the first time in my life, I honestly was afraid I was going to die.<br />
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I experienced the joy of vertigo in late 2017 which lead me to Statcare…my first doctor's visit in several years. They told me my BP was 164 over 100 and that I should see my regular doctor about it. Buttttt….I didn't have a regular doctor. And I was really embarrassed to walk into one this fat and with my brain ready to blow up at any moment. Day and night I worried about having a stroke or a heart attack. I knew I had to get it under control or see a doctor soon. But fall became winter, which became Christmas…and THAT seemed like a dumb time to save my life. There were cookies to be eaten, for crap's sake. But by January, I was ready.<br />
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On the morning of the 2nd I weighed myself, and that evening I had my BP tested. 163/98. Early Stage II on top, late Stage I on the bottom. Yep, I was a time bomb. I'd talked myself into thinking maybe it was just high at Statcare from stress and fear, not the 120 extra pounds I was carrying and the cheeseburger/fries habit I'd developed for brunch each day.<br />
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I went back to the only plan I've ever had long-term success with - low carb. I hate to call it Atkins or Keto because it's not necessarily either of those things, by-the-book. I try to stay around 20 net carbs a day, and I try to keep my fat high, my protein moderate, and my calories under 1200. I'm not like the Atkins people who can eat 3000 calories of beefy cheesy bacon bake….and I'm not a keto person who can drink buttery coffee and track incremental percentages and macros all day. I have to keep my calories low, and those calories have to be low-carb. Yes, I'm so fat, fat, wind pants, fat that I have to be on two diets at the same time.<br />
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But, it works. It's working. I've barely incorporated exercise yet. I WANT to run again but when I tried in February it killed my shins and ankles. I've gone to a couple of zumba and water aerobics classes. I bought a Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD, my 90's go-to workout that now feels unbearably long after the era of HIIT 20-minute boot camp workouts. But I'm not even exercising twice a week most weeks, other than walking the dog a mile every day.<br />
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Anyway, I'm down 32 pounds since January 2nd. My BP has dropped to 142/81. That's early stage I on the top, early pre-hypertension on the bottom. Not too far from normal-ish ranges. I'm ready to find a doctor and go get everything checked out. Maybe ask if I should be on a med for awhile or if it's ok to keep trying to do this myself. I don't feel like a bomb is ready to go off in my head anymore, which is reassuring. But I'd probably benefit from a real medical opinion and some bloodwork.<br />
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But man, I'm 40…this is the age where people start getting bad news. I know bad things happen whether you find out about them or not. But holy mammograms, I'm terrified to go. I know it's the wrong attitude, I'm working on it.<br />
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I went on a two week vacation to Hawaii and gained 8 pounds. I got right back on my plan when I got home and I lost 12 pounds in two weeks. Over Easter I gave myself a 3-day vacation from my diet, and I gained SEVEN pounds (THREE DAYS!), but I took off 9 pounds in the week after. I don't remember any point in my past when I was so easily persuaded back onto my diet after a break. Part of my motivation is Healthy Wager. It's a website where you can bet on yourself to lose weight. In fairness, they are essentially betting that you will lose, but they put a positive spin on it. You throw money into a wager every month and they figure out a payout based on how much you pledge to lose in a certain amount of time. If you fail, they keep everything. If you succeed, you win big. I have $1400 on the line, and the weigh-out day is the day before I leave for Cancun. So if I can peel off another 50 pounds by November, my trip will be paid for, courtesy of my fat. If I don't…I'm out $300.<br />
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Along the way you can do little group challenges. I just completed a 3-month, 6% weightless challenge and won $66. It seriously motivated me, so I just turned that money back over for a new challenge.<br />
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I haven't gone back to TOPS. I was too embarrassed to go back so fat, even though I know they understand more than anyone. But I also feel like it might be discouraging for them to see it. I don't want anyone to think "why lose all of this weight, everyone just gains it all back eventually." I've heard they aren't as motivated as a group anymore, anyway.<br />
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Plus since I last wrote, I was promoted to the top of my company, and it's not so easy for me to leave work early on Mondays to get to meetings. And I have a big, sweet, fluffy dog who I'd rather spend my evenings with. So I think the Healthy Wager thing has become my TOPS. Let's face it, I was in it for the prizes more than anything anyway.<br />
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I realize I'm writing this blog into the air. The few who followed have long faded-away, and I'm not brave enough to post a link for people who actually know me in real life. But last night I found this old blog and read some posts, and it reminded me how much it helped me to vent my frustrations and rejoice over my successes. So this is for me, my therapy. But if you have stumbled into it and you get some small amount of support or enjoyment from it…then I'm happy you're here.<br />
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Hopefully I'll keep this train rolling right back toward the world of normal clothes and fitting onto roller coasters and not having my thighs make a swishy sound when I walk in my Spanx.<br />
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Welcome back.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-71479813950079026842015-04-01T19:02:00.001-07:002015-04-01T19:02:41.321-07:00diets are like tiresyou know how if you spend $100 on a concert ticket you're pumped, but if you have to buy a new tire you're all "$100?!?! what a ripoff! it's no fun!"<br />
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so tonight i went to giant eagle because on sunday i bought only enough diet supplies for a few days. i wanted to know i was going to really do this before i invested. i barely had anything in my cart. some lettuce. broccoli. geek yogurt dip. laundry supplies. atkins shakes, bars and a few frozen meals. $100. i'm all "say whaaaaaat?! scan that italian-style pasta bake again, smalls!" but just a week ago it was nothing to get a large caramel mocha and egg mcmuffin in the morning ($7.50), subway for lunch, ($7), and chipotle for dinner ($9.75). that comes out to $121.25 for a week of food. but for some reason i'm all pissypants over an atkins meal costing $3.99. the meals i've eaten this week have broken down to about $12 a day. it's still expensive - $360 a month for food for one person is a lot. i could cut down on that by making more myself and not relying on the convenience foods. but i'm still saving money compared to my binge eating.<br />
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nobody has ever said dieting is cheap. i honestly don't know how a person COULD diet affordably. there are not many healthy foods that are cheap, unless you grow your own garden. but even then you have to account for sweat equity. it's unfortunate that our country can serve a box filled with two tacos, a burrito, a bag of doritos and a soda for $5.00, but a drive-thru salad and bottled water will set you back $8.00.<br />
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it's also sad that diets are an "industry." it doesn't cost more to make a protein bar than a granola bar. but people will pay more for one than the other.<br />
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anyway, i got some good, healthy food, and i am happy with what i'm eating. but damn, i wish it was cheaper.<br />
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i didn't go to the gym tonight. had a tough day at work, and the dogs were just so happy to see me. i couldn't bring myself to leave again. i took each dog on his/her own walk, so that's something.<br />
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weighed myself again this morning, down 2 pounds from yesterday. the first week of a diet is too awesome.<br />
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kind of unfocused tonight, but that's been my whole day. day 3, complete.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-51640849951130271572015-03-31T18:32:00.001-07:002015-03-31T18:32:49.460-07:00it's all relative. i woke up this morning with an already-improved attitude. i can't really put into words how much self-loathing i've carried these past several months. so even one day of doing the right thing made me feel stronger, more organized, and in control. my life has literally been a free-for-all with food at the epicenter. each day was kind of a dark, yet exciting world of opportunities for things to eat. would i stop for a milkshake? have some fries? try a new sandwich? get a fancy coffee? now i wake up and know exactly what i'll have, when i'll have it, and how many calories and carbs it will be. there is a lot of peace in that, which i had forgotten.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-rJa8pfpOpN5I41ztLw9FyXa_B-zsTC64ipbKPzlDhiFrETBNKzRWhFANr4DrG0dxKm80Mi0zAcnXuNItQLmy1RObvnybrWDLJ0WB9C6YjofF_2d418aZYaZXlCczq6Q2-OH-0nvOeg/s1600/IMG_3175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-rJa8pfpOpN5I41ztLw9FyXa_B-zsTC64ipbKPzlDhiFrETBNKzRWhFANr4DrG0dxKm80Mi0zAcnXuNItQLmy1RObvnybrWDLJ0WB9C6YjofF_2d418aZYaZXlCczq6Q2-OH-0nvOeg/s1600/IMG_3175.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45-53SegIfOonYrEiR1H4xu2EcWhVkAJhktb7NsWS28O5mwWlrL0TwEjXdcYJBrGMUuVhEPQw09YFccvLvh-IzL1c96HFSVOJkVUOlNYLQ-XQL0DI-j8dqs6WK90tp3ptiuA-V620kCA/s1600/IMG_3173.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45-53SegIfOonYrEiR1H4xu2EcWhVkAJhktb7NsWS28O5mwWlrL0TwEjXdcYJBrGMUuVhEPQw09YFccvLvh-IzL1c96HFSVOJkVUOlNYLQ-XQL0DI-j8dqs6WK90tp3ptiuA-V620kCA/s1600/IMG_3173.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>i got to work this morning, and this basket was the first thing i encountered. a listener of the radio station brings one each year, and it is filled from bottom to top with all of the best candies. no smarties or necco wafers in this basket, no sir. thankfully i still had my "new diet" resolve, so it wasn't too tempting. i bet if i go back a year i'll find a picture of last year's basket. it seems like i'm always on a diet in april when it shows up.<br />
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later in the day, we also had muffins and pizza! sometimes i swear the universe is just working against me.<br />
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but i did have one really positive bit of news today. i was certain that i had gained not only the weight i'd lost, but about 10 pounds more. the way i look, the way i feel, the way my clothes fit… but since i felt more in control today, i had the courage to face the scale. i was 11 pounds less than my highest weight in 2013. so in my mind, it was a 20 pound "head start" on where i assumed i was. that was refreshing. that's two months of weight loss i won't have to endure.<br />
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a few friends were on my mind who have shared their similar struggles with me through the years. we all have at least 100 pounds to lose. so i've put a group together for the four of us, and we're going to tackle this together. it will take at least a year, maybe even two. but i resolve to stay together and see each other through to the end, until we've lost a collective 400 pounds. we're going to put up $5 a week with the money going to the biggest loser each month. i am really excited about it, and i think they are too. this simply cannot be done alone. we need supportive people who understand…who challenge us and celebrate us. healthy competition is important as well.<br />
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i went back to the gym tonight. what a difference a day makes. i realized the treadmill i had last night had to have been calibrated incorrectly. last night when i tried to do my 5-minute warmup walk at 3mph, i was dying. my legs were on fire, and i had to bump it down to 2.5mph. even at my heaviest, i never struggled with 3mph before. i was so discouraged. i couldn't finish all of my runs, and i couldn't do them anywhere near a pace i could be proud of. but tonight i did all 8 runs with the appropriate amount of ease/struggle, and i know now that the treadmill on the end is not to be messed with. i followed up the cardio with a circuit of weights. and i don't know what is so hard for people to understand regarding the giant sign saying that area is for CIRCUITS ONLY. but ding-dongs are always popping in to use one machine, and always the one i need next.<br />
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came home and made my dinner - atkins shrimp pasta primavera and a salad. very satisfying and good. i have to hand it to atkins - their frozen meals are much higher in quality and taste than lean cuisines. i can't even deal with lean cuisine chicken. but atkins uses really quality cuts of meat. and i didn't have one shrimp vein in my meal tonight. you know those are poop chutes, right?<br />
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i may have a long road ahead, and today may only be day 2, but i feel like the progress i've made in the past 48 hours is incredible. my mind and body feel so much more at peace. i have hope again. i think i'll even find happiness again. just a few days ago, that seemed impossible. but now i'm in a place where "only" gaining back 70 pounds is a victory. when it comes to weight loss, it's all relative.<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-16158896300230603152015-03-30T19:25:00.001-07:002015-03-30T19:25:17.863-07:00here i go again on my own. if you've done battle with fat for your entire life, this story won't shock you.<br />
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i last wrote almost exactly a year ago. i was at my lowest adult weight. i was a running machine. i was about to accept an award for losing more weight in ohio than anyone else in tops. i had just won a contest to run a half marathon at disney world in november. i was 20 pounds away from losing 100 pounds. 20 pounds from my goal. twenty. pounds.<br />
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have you ever found out that what you thought was the best thing to ever happen to you was actually the worst thing to ever happen to you?<br />
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that tops award and that disney contest ruined my life.<br />
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wait. strike that.<br />
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i ruined my <i>own</i> life. the award and the contest were the catalysts.<br />
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when word got out about what i had accomplished, i got lost in my own shuffle. so many people wanted a piece of me. questions about running, advice about eating, please come speak at our meeting, i need you to write blogs every week, i need you to go meet this corporate sponsor, make sure you don't gain 5 pounds or you won't qualify for the award.<br />
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the pressure was immense. i suffocated in it.<br />
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and when i feel trapped, i sabotage myself. i rebel. i turn to food like a junkie runs to heroin.<br />
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so an hour after that award was in my hands in may, we left and went to the melting pot for chocolate fondue.<br />
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and i haven't stopped eating since.<br />
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for many reasons, the least of which is length, i can't go into the entire disney story. but it was not a fairytale by any means. it was exhausting, demanding, disappointing, and i was left to my own devices by my trainer. months went by without check-ins. and i was in self-sabotage mode, so i wasn't doing my long runs. i wasn't eating right. i was gaining, gaining, gaining. i stopped going to tops. i was too ashamed to get on the scale again. everyone had been so inspired by me and i was failing right in front of them.<br />
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long story short, disney came, and i was disastrously under-trained. somehow i completed the 5k and the half marathon. but not without pain, tears, falling behind the course-required time, and not without injury. i could barely walk for more than a week after the half marathon. i destroyed my knees, ankles and feet. i had no business finishing it, but determination carried me through the miles in the cold rain. that was november 8th. on thanksgiving i "ran" a turkey trot, 10 minutes slower than my best 5k time that i'd hit in june.<br />
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through the holidays i ate.<br />
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into 2015 i ate. not because things tasted good or because i was hungry, but because i was angry. i was angry about the entire disney experience. i was angry that i had gained so much weight. i was embarrassed to run into people i hadn't seen in awhile. because to the casual acquaintance, i was fat…then i was thin…then in the blink of an eye i was fat again. it all happened that fast.<br />
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and today, about a year after my last blog, i am as fat as i have ever been. i can't bare to get on the scale for the official number. but based on my clothes and the way i look and feel, i weigh as much--if not more--than i did before i started my diet 2 years ago. i spent 13 months losing 80 pounds, and i spent 10 months gaining it all back. all of it.<br />
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none of my clothes fit. i'm back in my "professional lady yoga pants," and thankfully it's been a cold spring, because i don't know what i'm going to wear when i can't wear hoodies anymore in the next few weeks. all of my fatass underwear are back in my drawer, and the victoria's secret undies are put away, along with my cute bras, swimsuits and dresses. i had planned a ski trip with my friends in february, and you wouldn't believe how hard it was to find plus size ski pants. the cute second-hand spyder coat i found last year didn't come close to zipping this year. i had to buy everything new. i felt like a fool out there, no one else my size was on the slopes. in november i was asked to co-host election night results on TV, and i turned it down because i couldn't stand the idea of what i'd look like and what people would say.<br />
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it's funny (funny sad, not funny ha-ha), when i run into someone who read about my successful weight loss story, but who hasn't seen me… they say "you look great!" and i know they are thinking "i thought she lost a bunch of weight??" i'm horrified when i see people who saw me even 6 months ago. i see their eyes look me up and down, and i can hear their thoughts. and they say, "you look great" because they are confused.<br />
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i hate myself right now. i'm at rock bottom. the only thing worse than being fat is having a short taste of not being fat and then blowing it. even if i had lost only a quarter pound per week for the last year, i would be at my goal now instead of back at the starting line. i went to the gym tonight and these feet that carried me through two half marathons last year can barely run for 60 seconds now. my muscles are dead. my fat flops up and down when i run, and i feel like everyone in the gym can see and hear me lumbering along, gasping for air, and they're thinking "look at that fat girl trying to run." they would never imagine i ran two half marathons last year. i took the 13.1 magnet off of my car because i felt like people were thinking "that must not be her car. there's no way that girl did a half marathon."<br />
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in my mind, i'm still the girl who was at the starting line of the half marathon last april weighing 161. in her size large shirt and only one chin. the girl who thought she was still so hideous, but now all photographic evidence to the contrary. i forget that i'm fat again. obese. morbidly obese. that this can't be undone in one marathon session at the gym like the weeks when i would gain a pound and then work to get it off before weigh-in. i have at least a year of work ahead of me. not just on my body, but on my brain. because there is clearly something wrong with me that makes me defeat myself. i don't know anyone else capable of doing what i've done in the past two years… losing weight that way OR gaining it back. all of it. i didn't gain 10 pounds and panic. or 20. or 50. you'd think at some point along the way i would have woken up. but i just kept getting iced coffees and bagels and tacos and milkshakes. oreos and pop tarts and curly fries and burgers. pizzas and pizzas and pizzas. oh, the pizzas i've known this past year. sometimes i'd get an extra large on friday night so it would last all weekend. i called it "grocery shopping." then there's the beer. the wine. the margaritas. food gave me a little thrill. i would sneak it. if you only knew what i spent on half-price valentine chocolates on february 15th. there's still some left, because there was so much to begin with.<br />
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i know that if i'm ever going to have a happy day again, this has to stop right now. a lot of sadness is ahead for me this year. sickness in my family, a situation with a beloved pet, an ended relationship. the ONLY thing i can control is what goes into my mouth, and if i exercise. it's time to stop killing myself and time to start living again. for the past 10 months, i've been dead inside. time to wake up. i miss my tops friends. i miss my running friends. i miss a back that didn't ache and i miss having clothes to wear. there are items in my closet with tags still on them… i outgrew them before i even got to wear them. i miss not worrying when someone was taking my picture or if it would end up on Facebook. i miss WANTING my picture to be on Facebook. i miss feeling strong. i miss feeling pretty. i miss feeling like i have a chance in this life to meet someone who wants to love me. i miss the girl i knew for such a short time. i need to find her again before it's too late. i cannot live this way, i can't survive life feeling like i feel now.<br />
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so here i go again…. day 1, complete.<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-84546350374332791172014-03-12T12:01:00.002-07:002014-03-12T12:01:24.102-07:00still thinking….i'm still not sure how to incorporate this blog into my new life as a spokesperson. i don't think i can even suffer through reading every one of my old posts. but i don't want to start linking to this blog on FB without a major review. so for the moment i'm thinking i will just keep this blog between you (my long-time and loyal readers) and me. and when i write a guest blog for the website where i won the contest, i'll post a link here.<br />
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it's been an insane week. not a lot of people knew what i've been up to for these past 11 months, and now everyone knows. i became a bit of an overnight celebrity in my hometown. a lot of people are now asking me for tips or advice, and i've been stressed out trying to help everyone. my training begins on monday. part of my prize is a training program that consists of short runs on tuesdays and thursdays, long runs on saturdays, and cross training on MWF. i get sundays off, hooray! i'll train for and run a 10k, then i'll get a 2 week break, and then i'll start a 28 week half marathon training. on november 8th i'll run a 5k at disney world at 7am, then a half marathon that night at 10pm. because i. am. crazy.<br />
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i'm nervous but excited, and i know i can do this. it's all just very overwhelming at the moment. i'm looking forward to a month or two from now when it has become the norm instead of this thing that's still out ahead of me.<br />
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my weight loss is still the same. lose some, gain some. lose it, gain it. still sitting around 162. i just cannot get myself into the 150's. it's all mental.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-55939404579807367522014-03-06T12:27:00.002-08:002014-03-06T12:27:19.663-08:00THANK YOU!!you probably think i've been off the wagon again, but for once, my silence is for a positive reason.<br />
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i want to thank you for your eyes-tightly-closed wishes that i asked for on the last post, because they WORKED! on monday i found out i won a trip to walt disney world to run a half marathon on my birthday in november. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?<br />
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it has been a whirlwind week, one i can't wait to tell you about. but because of all that's happened, i've been too busy to write. i'm too busy now, too, but i didn't want to leave you hanging.<br />
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i just wanted you to know that things are going to change around here a bit. i'm not sure how just yet, but i need to promote my journey on my blog so my sponsors can get proper credit. but i've never written this blog to be widely public, so i either need to go through and delete some things, or start a whole new blog, OR i will secretly write posts just for you guys here, and i'll write publicly stuff on another page that i will link you to. we will see.<br />
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this sounds dumb, but this week has felt like becoming a celebrity overnight. strangers recognize me on the street. i've had to sign my life over to my coach and sponsors for the next 9 months. i even found out today that i have to be very careful about what i do or do not post on my personal facebook as i represent these companies for the rest of the year. so i know there are things i've bared to you in this blog that wouldn't fly. cases of "the fuck-it's" come to mind....<br />
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so thank you for sticking with me, for your support, and for following me wherever i may be about to land in the blogger world. all 3 of you. ;-)<br />
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you can catch up on the hubub by visiting www.desperatelyseekingslender.com to see my essay and everything i've won.<br />
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thanks, everyone. i love you dearly! Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-71580934547093953852014-02-27T20:38:00.001-08:002014-02-27T20:38:55.783-08:00a good night for a bad run.well, the gym was a bust tonight. but i'm just happy i got myself there. i didn't leave my house until 7:41, and i was trying to find an excuse not to go for 2 hours prior. two nights ago i pushed myself to run for 12 minutes, which was just barely over a mile. considering my lack of training, i'll take that time for now. tuesday night i followed that with 2 minutes of walking, then 5 minute run intervals til i was over 2.5 miles. the idea was to come back tonight and do 3.1. cha right.<br />
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i'm going to attribute it to today being day 4 of my fat fast. i have had almost no carbs and very little protein since monday. 44 total carbs in 4 days. plus only 1000 calories per day. so i probably just don't have what i need in me to have a hardcore workout at this point. tomorrow will be the final day of the fat fast. to celebrate, i made low carb cheesecake cupcakes when i got home tonight. i could basically eat 10 of them as my food for the day. unfortunately they didn't turn out as well as the first time i made them. i had to use a different sweetener, and that's all i can come up with as a reason. even the consistency of the batter was far different. more like a pudding than a pancake batter consistency. odd.<br />
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so anyway, i only made it 1.65 miles tonight. i used everything i had running the 12 minute mile. i walked for 2 and then tried to run again but only lasted 2 minutes. my ankle was hurting and my body was telling me no. so i moved over to the circuit and used the 10 weight machines. i should have done two rounds, but i was spent.<br />
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the great part of the day was speaking to my grandma's TOPS group. i didn't plan what i was going to say, just went in and started talking. somehow it all came out of my mouth logically and semi-concisely. i hope i didn't confuse them or give them false hope. i didn't really want to get into what type of diet i'm on too much, fearful that they'd only hear "i eat cream, ranch, bacon and mayo" and start adding that to their grains and starches. but of course that was their main question, so i was honest and said it's very scientific, and very "all or nothing." but for ME, i need a plan that is very black and white. for the most part, you either absolutely can or absolutely cannot eat any given food item on a low-carb diet. MOST foods aren't "semi-low carb."<br />
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since i try to stick to the 20 or less per day idea, i basically think of myself as having $20 in my pocket each morning to spend on my food for the day. each carb is a dollar. so i ask myself, "is this low carb tortilla worth six of my 20 dollars?<br />
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the fat fast was very easy monday-wednesday. today i struggled a bit. i saw pictures of food everywhere, and i wanted it all. tomorrow the nursing home that makes the amazing cookies is bringing lunch to the radio station. that may be very hard. i'll try to get out of there during that time maybe.<br />
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on saturday i'll reintroduce more carbs and protein again to give me some strength for sunday's race. as of now, i have two more pounds to lose by monday in order to have a loss at tops. but i would REALLY like to lose 3.2, because then i'll officially be in the 150's. i need that so badly.<br />
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last night i mentioned that i'm making a big decision. obviously it's a half marathon, and there's a lot more to it than that, but this is already long so i will save the story for another blog. but if you could just close your eyes real tight and cross your fingers and your toes and wish as hard as you can for my wish to come true, i could really use the good vibes. i'm hoping and praying for something HUGE to happen on monday. but if it doesn't, i have a plan B.<br />
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i'll leave you with the collage i took to show the tops group of my start, finish, and a couple of in-betweens where i was feeling good about fitting into my clothes better. i wanted to fit into that flowered dress SO badly. i'd gotten it as a gift from my mom and barely fit into it one time, then outgrew it. so pic 1 is trying it on to see how far i had to go. disaster. but not too long after that i tried again and it fit perfectly! sadly, it just as quickly got too big!<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-66536580073730641142014-02-26T19:31:00.000-08:002014-02-26T19:31:11.835-08:00BIG decisionswell, day 3 of the fat fast is almost in the books with zero difficulty. i found philadelphia spinach artichoke cream cheese today, which was incredible. i ate that twice, had two helpings of the salmon flavor, some laughing cow... seriously totally and completely not hungry.<br />
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and better than that... down 2.8lb on the scale today from yesterday! it's working!<br />
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i'm seriously so tired i can't get into a long blog, but i have been really contemplating a huge decision tonight. it's a 13.1 mile decision, if that's any indication. i'm excited and terrified, and need to decide by tuesday.<br />
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anyway, no time to be clever or motivational tonight. i will write tomorrow, because i'm speaking to another tops group after work about my weight loss and i'll want to fill you in on how it goes. i guess i should wear something cute tomorrow instead of my usual jeans and hoodie. ugh. gotta go figure THAT out i guess.<br />
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goodnight!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-66538515786525040532014-02-25T19:35:00.002-08:002014-02-25T19:35:18.152-08:00i'm ok!!just a quickie to let you know i'm here, and i'm ok. as planned, i ate everything...and i mean EVERYTHING over the weekend with my mom. we had 5 of the most decadent meals of my life, and a constant supply of chocolates in our hotel room, all rounded out by plenty of wine. i couldn't even deal with knowing what i weighed when i got home. but i started a fat fast right away, and i'm just wrapping up day 2 of that, and i feel great. i did weigh this morning and i was up about 4 pounds. that seems fair based on what i did. i actually started eating on thursday at lunchtime, so we're looking at about a pound per day of cheating. but i've stuck to the fat fast perfectly yesterday and today, and i spent 2 hours in the gym last night and again tonight. i felt pretty amazing tonight, even though prior to the workout i felt a bit shaky. i ran so much better tonight than i have since december. all in all, things are good. i feel strong again, i feel my resolve creeping back as march gets closer. first 5k of 2014 is sunday. i won't make any PR's, but i will finish it. i went almost 3 miles tonight with no problem, which restored my confidence.<br />
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i really want to show you a better version of myself than i have since thanksgiving. you've been on the roller coaster with me, and i'm really trying to make it stop now. i've had my fun, it's time to get myself into a cute swimsuit in june!<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-54884170000285606742014-02-18T19:49:00.001-08:002014-02-18T19:49:16.444-08:00we can work it out.hey you! yeah you. thanks for showing up tonight.<br />
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today sucked. but it will sound good on paper: i got to stay home from work because of bad weather. but i spent the day feeling guilty and wondering if everyone was talking about me. i live 35 minutes from my job an often have a far different weather and road situation here than they have there. so while it looks clear to them, i'm saying "i can't get off of my street, and they're thinking, "yeah right." then i spent 90 minutes trying to clear the very wet, heavy snow from my driveway and enough out of the road to be able to back out in the morning. then i just had a few small disappointments here and there that got me down.<br />
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so... what's a girl to do with all of this frustration? work it out. i hit the gym around 8:00 and stayed for 2 hours. i did 40 minutes on the treadmill, then i did the weigh machines in the 30-minute circuit, repeating most of them twice. then i tried a few new machines i hadn't been on before. i actually wouldn't have minded staying longer, but when i saw it was 10 i wanted to get home so i can go to bed.<br />
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had to fight off some hunger today. drank a lot of coffee and ate almond butter for breakfast. i had a big lunch that was delish, i called it an omelet pizza. before the gym i had 2 atkins bars. i know i need to start flipping my meals so i eat bigger meals earlier in the day, and taper off at night. it's hard though because i'm at home tonight to cook AND i like eating a nicer meal at night after work. but it makes sense to eat more calorie dense meals earlier in the day.<br />
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so my mom and i are taking that trip this weekend, and we have 7 restaurants we want to try! it's cleveland restaurant week, and some of the best places are having these awesome specials on special menus they've put together. so my plan is to work hard until friday and get a deficit going, then splurge over the weekend, hopefully breaking even. i have looked forward to this trip for a year, and it's unfortunate that it's happening when i'm just getting back on track from my struggles. but i want to just enjoy it. i will try to make the best decisions i can. but there WILL be desserts. our hotel has a gym...<br />
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heading to bed now before i stick a lot more almond butter in my mouth. i could really polish off the jar right about now after that workout!<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-43383881258938483182014-02-17T18:50:00.002-08:002014-02-17T18:55:29.200-08:00SERIOUSLY WINNING.today was a total win! well, in diet news. i didn't sleep, late for work, stuck in traffic, blah blah. BUT. i was down to 163 this morning! that was 3lb from yesterday morning! so i went to the gym before tops where i had a pretty successful run with very little pain in my foot and ankle... and i lost .15 at tops. ok, .15 is next to nothing, but THEY don't know i'd shot up to 168 or higher during the week! so from my last weigh-in, almost nothing. from my m&m and ice cream and cookie binge on thursday.... i dropped around 6 pounds. whew! saved!<br />
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i'm even more thrilled about my foot. i kept it wrapped today, took an aleve this morning and it felt good. i wore different shoes today, maybe that helped. but right now it's not wrapped or iced or elevated or anything and it feels fine. of course i'm sitting down, but last night at this time it was still thumping.<br />
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i don't have much else to report, but wanted to share this blog with you from the TOPS "head honcho," barb cady. i found this to be very relevant to myself, and thought it could help you as well.<br />
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<a href="http://www.tops.org/TOPS/Home/TOPS/BarbsBlogHome.aspx?iUniformKey=f4c9abc6-48b5-4b4b-a4ec-c1767e04577a">http://www.tops.org/TOPS/Home/TOPS/BarbsBlogHome.aspx?iUniformKey=f4c9abc6-48b5-4b4b-a4ec-c1767e04577a</a><br />
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<em style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: normal; margin: 0px;">i particularly love this quote from the blog:</span><strong style="font-style: normal; margin: 0px;"> “If you start today to do the right thing, you are already a success even if it doesn’t show yet.” </strong></em><br />
<em style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><strong style="font-style: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></strong></em>
<em style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: normal; margin: 0px;">isn't that the thing that gets so many of us down? feeling like we have to accomplish SO MUCH before we're "successful?" when in reality, we're successful for simply starting down the path! it may not be physically apparent for awhile, but in your mind, you feel like a new person when you know you've really gotten ahold of your willpower, organizational skills, workouts, debt, whatever obstacle you've been intimidated to tackle. so tomorrow, be a success by making one really good choice when you're at a crossroads. don't buy that thing you know you shouldn't spend money on. or get out of bed to work out before work (talking to myself here), or say no thank you to the bagels at work. if you get the chance, comment and let me know what decision you make that makes you a success tomorrow. good luck! </span></em><br />
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<em style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: normal; margin: 0px;">edit - i don't know how i ended up with the above text highlighted, but i don't have the patience to figure out how to fix it right now. sorry!</span></em>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-81786928749242535882014-02-16T19:47:00.002-08:002014-02-16T19:47:24.091-08:00winning.ok errrybody. i think i'm back on track. are you rolling your eyes and sighing, saying "we've heard THAT about 100 times since thanksgiving?" but i swear i mean it this time. i feel like the old me again. today has been another perfect diet day, and i even went back to the gym, finally. i wrapped my foot and ankle tightly and got on the treadmill. i know i should have eased into it on an elliptical or even just walking on the treadmill, but i was dying to run. so i did a couch to 5k which was six :90 runs with 2 minute walks in between. prior to my injury i'd been doing these at 6mph, training to do a 30-minute 5k. today i did interval 1 at 5.2mph. it hurt but i kept going. i did the rest of them at 5.6, or a 10:42 mile. i could live with that. i have to say my body, other than my ankle, felt amazing running again. i had this idea that i'd be back to square one after a month off. but my respiratory response was fantastic. if not for the pain in my foot, i could have done that for a long time i think. i wasn't dying at the end of the 90 second runs, but i was working up a sweat. then i did the 30 minute circuit weights. i just felt so ALIVE being back in the gym. after the circuit i got back on the treadmill for 5 minutes at an 11 incline to boost my heart again before i went home.<br />
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by the time i got to the parking lot i was limping pretty badly. driving hurt, pressing the gas pedal down. i thought for sure it was broken. but i got home, took an aleve, elevated it, kept it wrapped and iced it. and when i walked on it an hour later, no pain.<br />
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not sure what the future holds for me regarding a 5k, but i am hopeful that with proper care, i can run through the pain and somehow get better. i have this crazy idea that when it gets warm again it will feel better. like maybe it's the cold getting to it.<br />
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as for my weight... i finally braved the scale this morning. it was 166. so i bet i was up around 168 or 169 by friday morning, and back to 166 by today. i couldn't face it before today. after my workout i was 164.6. i really doubt i can get back to 162 before tops tomorrow, but i will sure give it a shot.<br />
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for the first time in a long time, i feel like a winner again. it's been a really, really rough (and wasted) almost 3 months. but i weighed 166.6 on thanksgiving day... so even though it's been a roller coaster, i'm still breaking even post-holiday. it's time to stop breaking even and start breaking THROUGH. with any luck, i will be in the 150's by the time i write next sunday's blog. although i have a big weekend away with my mom friday-sunday, so that's going to be a major factor in my week. sigh. always something, right?Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-34529938379242018802014-02-15T17:50:00.001-08:002014-02-15T18:09:31.019-08:00wakeup call.well, it's been awhile since my last entry, and you know what that means: failure. and not just sort of, i mean BIG failure this time. i gave up for six straight days. it began last saturday at lunchtime. i was having a girls' day with my niece for her birthday. we went to lunch, and i got a wrap. i could have had a salad, but i didn't feel like it. no willpower. after our manicures, i took her for froyo, and i could have at least had plain, sugar free yogurt. instead i mixed about 5 flavors and topped it with butterfingers, oreos and heath bars. that night i drank 2 glasses of wine and had some cheese, nuts and pomegranate. bad, but not INSANE, right?<br />
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sunday i got on the scale and i was up to 166.8. i could not believe it. i'd been at 161 on friday. i had what i thought was a good diet day on friday - i even ate at red lobster and didn't have any cheddar biscuits, as much as i'd wanted them. but in two days, i'd shot up 5 pounds and i was crushed. i knew i couldn't go to tops on monday, so on sunday, i did more damage. i was in a class all day and the instructor brought no bake cookies. i had four. then we went to dinner where i had a sandwich, on bread, and fries. monday night i got a large oreo blizzard, supposedly my final treat before getting my act together. tuesday i had a "wine and art" class after work where i had 3 glasses of wine and plenty of heavy appetizers. thanks to the wine giving me a case of the fuck-its, i stopped at giant eagle on my way home, and this is what i got:<br />
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1 bag cadbury mini eggs<br />
1 cadbury creme egg<br />
1 red velvet cake chocolate bar<br />
1 single serve hagen daz chocolate peanut butter<br />
1 single serve hagen daz tiramisu gelato<br />
1 single serve hagen daz salted caramel gelato<br />
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i'm pretty sure the checkout girl thought i was going home to smoke 10 bowls of weed, but i was high on being out of control. i ate the cadburys and all 3 "single serve" ice creams. they weren't pints, mind you - they were those tiny ones with the plastic spoon in the lid. but still. i hated the red velvet bar, luckily. so my "snack" was only around ONE-THOUSAND calories.<br />
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on wednesday i tried to get back on track. i had my atkins bar and coffee for breakfast, egg whites and veggies for lunch. and then the local nursing home which makes the MOST AMAZING iced cutout cookies brought a tray to my office around 3:30. by 5:00 i'd had 4 or 5 cookies.<br />
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thursday. full-fledged fuck-its in effect.<br />
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candy for lunch. ice cream and cookies for dinner. a brownie batter stuffed donut on my way home. and i had 3 more donuts in the bag to eat on friday. i was in full-blown freakout mode. i was angry and miserable and sad and just... blah. i immediately felt as fat as i was last april, overnight. i didn't feel good in my clothes, i felt like people could see on my face what i had eaten that day. i was ashamed and couldn't stop. i kept telling myself "you are an addict, and you are in serious trouble." </div>
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so i got home thursday and grabbed a few days' worth of mail out of the box and began sorting through it. i had a letter from... an organization i am familiar with. and here's where i have to become cryptic, because i am not supposed to share the information with anyone until april. but i can tell you that it had to do with my weight loss and it's a BIG deal. and it stipulates that i cannot gain any weight between now and then. ummm pretty sure i packed on about 10 pounds between saturday and thursday. so the contents of that letter fully kicked me in the ass, inspired me, reminded me of all of my hard work and of my duty to inspire others. i can't let myself and so many others down over some cookies and m&m's. </div>
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so i gave away those donuts, and i have had perfect dieting ever since i read the letter. i am back on track. i haven't weighed myself yet to find out what damage i did, i'm too nervous. maybe i'll look in the morning. i will probably have a gain at TOPS, but what's done is done. i have almost 2 months to lose a little more weight before i share my success with a large group, hopefully inspiring countless others to do what i've done. and i will probably share this story that i've just shared with you, about how i was spiraling out of control, practically undoing in one week's time what took me 9 months to achieve. </div>
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i am an addict. there is a monster inside of me that comes out and takes control, and i wish i could figure out what causes it and how to push it back down when it happens. there won't always be a big-deal letter waiting for me in my mailbox. if anyone has any advice to share about how they overcome those out-of-control moments, i would love to hear your ideas. because i'm motivated now. but when easter rolls around, the nursing home will send more cookies. and i need to figure out what i'm gonna do about it. </div>
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-72197563052730124762014-02-05T17:48:00.003-08:002014-02-05T17:48:35.665-08:00snow day successwell snowpocalypse happened, and i wasn't able to go to work today. awesome, right? YEAH! but i was so worried about being home all day and not snacking the hours away. i just really set my mind to it, and i got through it! i spent a lot of time outside shoving the snowblower around, and came in a sweaty mess, so i'm calling that exercise. i ate exciting things like broccoli instead of jamming salty pork rinds slathered in hot sauce and sour cream in my face. and now i'm definitely wanting to snack, as i always do at night, but i'm fighting it. i had a low-carb cheesecake. now i just need to stay out of the peanuts!<br />
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i am down to 161.6 today. getting so close to the 150's! i'm dying for it! i'm not going to hit my st. patrick's day 100lb goal after screwing around in december and january like i did, but i do have a chance of hitting it by my one-year dietaversary on april 22nd. i need to lose 1.7lb per week to make it. back in the heyday of this diet, that would have been a breeze. now, 1.7 is a huge loss.<br />
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still having problems with my ankle. it doesn't hurt enough to not walk on it, but it hurts still, every day. especially when i get up in the morning or if i've been sitting for awhile. i haven't run in almost a month now, and 5k season is less than a month away. it's time to figure this out. march 2nd is the first race! i was supposed to be doing 10 minute miles by then!<br />
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emotional eating journal: no emotions today. i had a very happy day and that made it easy to not think about food.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-11264690545683151642014-02-04T18:03:00.002-08:002014-02-04T18:03:13.613-08:00you know that's right.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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no reason for the title other than i suddenly love that phrase.<br />
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so it's all cold and doom is looming about as we brace for yet another snowmageddon. you know how i feel on nights like this... sitting at home, watching tv under the blankies... i want to EAT MUH FACE OFF! not in a bath salts zombie kind of way, but in a "put everything from the kitchen on a plate and bring. it. herrre." kind of way.<br />
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i started thinking about this 100% dark chocolate bar i bought a couple of months ago. i knew it would be terrible when i got it, but i tasted it just in case. yeah, straight dogshit. i threw it in the freezer figuring i'd find something to do with it later. tonight was the night!<br />
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with no particular plan in mind, i put a chunk in a bowl with about a teaspoon of butter and tablespoon of heavy cream and put it in the microwave. when it got pretty melty i added some splenda and some almond butter and threw it back in. when it came back out it was grainy and still tasted like a turd. i added some vanilla and more splenda. poop city. added some sweet and low drops and some s'mores sugar free syrup. weird consistency. added more heavy cream... ok now it looks like milk chocolate. taste.. close to edible. dumped in some swerve SF powdered sugar and some more almond butter and a little xylitol. suddenly it was pretty good! now what to do with it? i had about half a cup worth of chocolate sauce. i had these lids laying in a drawer, so i spooned the mixture into the centers of 3 lids, sprinkled slivered almonds on top and a smidge of almond butter, and tossed them into the freezer. went back for one 20 minutes later and HOLY MOLY! EUREKA! it's amazing. of course i have no clue how many calories or carbs or fat ended up in these since i was just mixing and pouring and a pinch of this and that. but all in all, they have to be pretty low in carbs. and thankfully there are only 3 total because i will for sure be eating all 3 tonight. and i don't see me making them again soon, because what a pain. but if you want to give it a shot yourself, the chocolate is called dogoba organic 100% baking chocolate. 2 net carbs per serving. http://www.dagobachocolate.com/products/bars/#unsweetened-baking<br />
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the best part is i added the xylitol last right before freezing, so the "sugar" crystals didn't melt and they are crunchy in the chocolate. amaze.<br />
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emotional eating journal - i did well all day until after work. then it wasn't emotional eating but just bored eating. i did ok though. i had a few slices of deli chicken breast with mustard, a few almonds and peanuts. a few pork rinds. then this mess up above happened. probably going to land around 1200 calories for the day. had salmon for lunch, atkins bar for breakfast. not a bad day. i just need it to be spring so i can be out doing things in the evenings and not sitting around craving snacks.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-7602736720571328342014-02-03T17:40:00.000-08:002014-02-03T17:40:19.673-08:00sucky symbolism.sorry it has been a few days. i'm still in rollercoaster mode with good days and bad days. i did well tuesday and wednesday. thursday i went to dinner for my niece's birthday, and i had 2 pieces of pizza, a cheese stick and a little bit of cake. then on my way home i got peanut butter covered pretzels at the gas station. i ate about 6 and then took them out to my car so they'd be away from me, and i gave them to my coworkers who are human garbage disposals on friday. i went skiing for 5 hours friday night and burned off some calories, so i was sweet by saturday. UNTIL i went to dinner with friends. my chicken came out with erroneous bbq sauce on it, and i hate causing a scene so i just ate it. and i had a glass of merlot which gave me a case of the screw-its. we all kept chatting, and the next thing i knew i'd also downed 2 beers. i stopped at the grocery store on the way home and ended up with a pint of ben and jerry's and some cadbury mini eggs, a treat i'd been DYING for. polished off the eggs, then went to work on the ice cream. about 1/4 through the pint i got ahold of myself and went and washed the rest down the sink. so blah, blah, blah, tonight was tops and i ended up with a 2 week loss of 4.75 pounds. yay, biggest loser of the night, yay, back to 80.5 pounds lost. but wait... they went by our weigh-in from 2 weeks ago for awards night, so THAT number was up 4.5 pounds, and i had to return 5 of my per-pound pins. turns out you don't lose charms, so that's good. but i was so sad having to give back 5, when i typically get between 5-10 to add instead. i should have been careful what i wished for with last week's weigh-in being cancelled. i'd worked so hard to get that gain off, and i still got screwed. so even though it was purely symbolic, as that weight is off and not on, it was a huge downer.<br />
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but.. i'm starting out february down almost 5 pounds, so that's good. i'm still sitting at my lowest weight ever, 162 pounds. i know if i work hard i can be at 159.8 soon, which would feel amazing. remember the night i put up my christmas tree AND hit 169? that was the week before thanksgiving! i can't believe it's taken me 2+ months to lose less than 10lb. stupid holidays and stupid rollercoaster aftermath. but... still heading the right way, so i need to focus on the positive here. i need all of the positive thoughts i can get as i work to lose this 2.5 pounds to go into the 150's.<br />
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one bit of awesome sauce - i went to target on friday and zipped and button a pair of size 10 skinny jeans! they were curvy cut and they were tight, but they clearly said "SIZE 10," so that's really something for this girl who began in a 24. it has been a pretty cool week for realizing the many benefits of being smaller, like fitting into most things instead of not fitting into most things. my friend offered to let me borrow her ski pants. now, i've never been able to borrow other people's clothes. i didn't know anyone my size! but she dropped them off, and they fit! then i went to "play it again sports" which is a sporting goods and apparel secondhand store. they had a sweeeeeeeeeet spyder ski jacket for $35, size medium. tried it on for giggles - it fit perfectly. if anything, slightly on the big side. the last time i went skiing, i could barely fasten my boots around my calves even on the last notch. friday night they snapped shut on the 3rd notch. and hauling myself around the flat areas with my arms using my poles wasn't nearly the stress it once was. i felt like an actual athlete out there.<br />
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so when you consider the pampered chef party... the birthday party... the wine and ice cream night... a superbowl party last night... and the fact that i can't run, so my exercise is limited to ab and arm stuff on my ball and then skiing (the boots immobilize your feet and ankles, so that felt great actually), it's pretty awesome that i weighed in at -4.75.<br />
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emotional eating journal: today wasn't emotional. i'm about to go have some chicken and maybe a spoonful of almond butter because i know i need the calories. otherwise i'd just go to bed. this past week was a total emotional eating week, mostly eating to beat myself up more for eating. how dumb.<br />
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i hope you guys are feeling positive. don't give up! you can stray if you need to, but don't give up. balance it out. there are 7 days in a week, so try to have 4 good for 3 bad if that's the way it has to go. just come out on top. love ya's!<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-15971683902811446732014-01-28T18:53:00.001-08:002014-01-28T18:53:19.857-08:00so what happened was.... a few hours after my blog on sunday, my phone rang. tops leader. i KNEW what she was going to say! TOPS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER! i was ecstatic! another week to lose my 2lb and i could eat dinner! i immediately stripped off my clothes and jumped on the scale. guess WHAT. i was down 2.2 pounds. lowest. weight. ever. i'd done it! so joy turned to sorrow, as i have to wait another week to get this recorded at tops, and we all know what can happen in a week!<br />
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so i had a salad and a salmon patty, kept it simple. since tops was cancelled, i no longer had a reason not to attend a pampered chef party i'd been invited to monday evening. she said they were demonstrating a potato soup, and that sounded safe enough. i can pass up soup. so i had a small salad at my mom's after work, then went to the party at 7. ok kiley... SOUP? you failed to mention the carrot cake, reese's bars, oreo truffles, buckeye truffles, buffalo dip, and orange drop cookies. so.... "i can't get this anytime i want it" rule went into effect, but three bite rule went OUT THE DOOR. unless you consider each truffle one bite. three of those, half of a cookie, half of a piece of cake, a small bowl of soup (at that point, may as well sample it), some buffalo dip and two reese's bars later, i rolled myself out of there. at home i continued my binge with some old pringles cheese sticks i found in the back of the cupboard. i am a foodaholic, no joke. i can never contain it anymore. i could have come home and not touched another thing, but i just HAD to pile on. i can't explain it. it's not fun or satisfying. it feels ugly and rebellious when it's happening.<br />
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the good news is that i got right back with it today, no thoughts of cheating again. and by the grace of God, i didn't gain anything. but my ankle... still jacked up. not terrible but not perfect. when i walk it hurts just enough to know it hurts. and i've noticed that my left foot faces forward when i walk, but my right, the painful one, is pointing out to the side. somehow that's how i'm compensating. sigh. GET BETTER, FOOT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU!<br />
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i've kept busy all evening talking with friends on facebook about some upcoming adventures, so i haven't thought about binging. i had some cheese after work and never even revisited the idea of a genuine meal.<br />
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therefore - emotional eating journal - nothing to report today. but last night i ate because i got drunk on the idea of "what do these things taste like?" and wanting to fit in and enjoy myself. then i ate because i was mad at myself for eating. i think it's a "you stupid pig, if you're going to be a piggy, be a whole hog and really punish yourself!" type thing. ugh.<br />
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so on that note... piggy ziggy, out.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-8784691609196141882014-01-26T13:37:00.001-08:002014-01-26T13:37:59.680-08:00slow fast.happy sunday, readers! i was just looking at the past few blogs, and i owe you an apology for my failure to proofread. yowza.<br />
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well, tomorrow is tops. i am down about 2lb from last week, but still need to get 2lb more to have any shot at keeping my 80lb charm. with the foot situation, i'm not sure it will be possible. i had planned to go to hot yoga today, but with the horrible road conditions from the weekend snowstorm, i opted out. and it's a good thing, because i read on facebook that so many showed up they had to turn a lot away. but there goes my 60 minutes of sweating.<br />
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my foot was doing so much better as of thursday. i was to the point where i was really thinking i'd have to go to the doctor, but i woke up thursday and i could walk! it felt great thursday and most of friday. but then i was trying to do too much and it got sore again. yesterday i caught up on laundry and cleaning, and by last night i was wrapped up again with ice and elevation. boo and hiss.<br />
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so my only remaining option... fasting. you guys, today is going SOOOOO SLOWLY. why would they ever call it a fast when time stands still while you're doing it? on a workday i can go all day without eating, not even on purpose, and i'm unfazed. but on a cold, snowy weekend at home? i want to be eating every single second. like, i'm talking about finding waterproof food so i can continue eating while i'm in the shower, then hooking up an IV drip for when i'm sleeping. am i hungry? no. but i'm not full, either. and i want that feeling of a full, warm belly of comfort foods like hearty soups and hot chocolate and some cupcakes. yes, cupcakes. argh.<br />
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but the fast must go on. i have had some coffee with HWC, and i had 2 slices of deli roasted chicken breast. trying to just keep drinking water. tomorrow night i'm having cupcakes. i've been looking at this recipe all week long, dying to try it: http://www.ruled.me/raspberry-cheesecake-cupcakes/<br />
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so after tops tomorrow, keto friendly cupcakes are SO happening. and i'm going to eat about 4 of them, because by then i'll have earned 800 calories worth of cupcakes! they look small. :-)<br />
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so, emotional eating journal: i haven't felt emotional, just bored. maybe a little deprived. but i think i've overcome it for the most part. on friday night i did have a bowl of sugar free ice cream that i didn't need, but i still kept under 2000 calories for the day. more than i like to have, but still reasonable. i had 2 of those pork chops with the bacon and cheese, some salad, cheese, other stuff. but still nothing emotionally motivated.<br />
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my happiness today is that i'm wearing this awesome vintage t-shirt i found from the 80's that says "just say no" on it. it's a medium, and it fits like a glove, in a good way. i've always loved retro t-shirts, but they were always baggy monstrosities, and this looks cute, i think.<br />
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i've been asked to consider a half marathon in april. not to run it all, but run-walk intervals. the course is open longer than most, for 4 hours. so that would be plenty of time to go at a slow interval pace. it would be the matter of building up the endurance to do that for between 3 and 4 hours. i can't even imagine. but i REALLY want to do this. let's see how the old foot feels tomorrow.<br />
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i'm rambling now, but almost forgot to mention this. i had a little reunion with some elementary school friends on thursday. my 3rd grade teacher told me that i had inspired her, and she'd started weight watchers that day. i jut can't say how humbling it is to hear that other people are looking at me as an example and inspiration. it really keeps me going. it's a crazy feeling to be an example of how people want to be instead of an example of how they fear ending up. who do you want to be an example for?<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7290490544763015942.post-59920189881052595152014-01-22T18:53:00.001-08:002014-01-22T18:53:10.629-08:00krrrazy in the kitchen!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV0F0dQvUBRwm56DCp5YJb5hOw9aqCFM6rXISdx4Z1rj8Dzz2czB4ISCw_ju305HI501V7Y7p-k2joP8F3lgb2Zwod-F6JwswPN1CN9kSMLYFPMhQhKb4EtpvphJ7dMAeunLAHnR-qqrQ/s1600/get-attachment.aspx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV0F0dQvUBRwm56DCp5YJb5hOw9aqCFM6rXISdx4Z1rj8Dzz2czB4ISCw_ju305HI501V7Y7p-k2joP8F3lgb2Zwod-F6JwswPN1CN9kSMLYFPMhQhKb4EtpvphJ7dMAeunLAHnR-qqrQ/s1600/get-attachment.aspx.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
you need to keep in mind that i'm traditionally hopeless in the kitchen, ESPECIALLY when it comes to cooking meat. i am terrified of poisoning myself and my friends with undercooked meat. i've always said if i can't make it in the microwave, it's not happened. well keto has caused me to step outside of my comfort zone, and i am getting far better at cooking. tonight i had dinner at bob evans with some friends after work, but i had a package of bacon in the fridge with a "best by" date of 1/28 on it, along with pork chops and salmon i'd put in to thaw on monday. i knew i needed to use 'em or lose 'em. so i quickly got to work, and an hour later i had prepared salmon patties, a pound of bacon, and bacon cheddar pork chops. plus washed all of the dishes! i tasted the pork chops, so if i am not puking at this time tomorrow, we'll know they are safe. tasted the bacon... twice. and the salmon looks pretty good to me. i eat raw salmon at the japanese restaurant, so that doesn't worry me too much. i'm sure it's baked though.<br />
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so now i have lunches and dinners ready to go for the next several days. i'm going out again tomorrow after work, but now when i'm home and in "binge mode" this weekend, i'll have all of this delicious stuff just ready to heat up. pretty excited.<br />
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i got a little closer to my gallon goal with water today, but fell short again. if you add in my 24oz diet coke and coffee i'm closer, but probably shouldn't count those. i got a 33oz water bottle and need to drink almost 4 of them to make it.<br />
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i think i'm going to try hot yoga on sunday. i'm dog sitting that day so i hate to leave him because i loooooooves him, but i don't want to wait another week. sunday is "community" day where the $13 class is only $6 and the money goes to charity. the day before tops seems like the right time to sweat for an hour in a 90 degree room.<br />
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emotional eating journal: another day with no emotional eating that i can think of. i used IF through the day. i got a bit hungry about an hour before dinner so i had 1/4 of a protein bar. i researched the bob evans nutrition ahead of time and ordered exactly what i'd planned. i even had a few bites of vanilla ice cream without guilt. 11 carbs in a serving, and i had 1/4 of a serving. it was a nice treat. i tasted my food as it came out of the oven, but again, nothing to do with emotions. i was even kind of sad this morning and hunger didn't cross my mind. i remember a day not that long ago when i got really disappointed and my first thought was numbing it with an arby's roast beef sandwich or a subway footlong - bread and all.<br />
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i forgot to weigh myself today, so kind of looking forward to tomorrow morning to see if i've dropped any since monday. OH! my foot feels so much better today! i think i can try working out on friday. pretty excited! it will have been a whole week!<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16533254288284333103noreply@blogger.com2