foodstravaganza!

it started with cookies. 
every wednesday we have this horrid staff meeting that steals souls with its pointlessness and absurdity. today my boss attempted to make it nicer with gigantic, soft, chewy, chocolate chip cookies from the amish bakery. i was slightly concerned, but after the meeting i had my warm lemon water, then pounded 16oz of green juice. that filled up my belly and i thought, "i've totally got this." the cookies looked good, but i was satisfied by smelling and looking at them. but then the real trouble started.

brownies. 

with a cream cheese layer on top. 

with brownies crumbled on top of that. 

that's right folks. brownies topped with brownies.

these were courtesy of the same girl who brought in the white chocolate chip cheesecakes on monday. you may remember her as evil betty crocker devil woman.

that's when things started to fall apart in my head. this morning the scale stayed on the same number it has been on since monday morning. if i had been on a weight loss high, i think i would have been ok. but i was on a plateau low. it's pretty clear now that i will not hit 30 pounds by friday morning, and i'm pretty disappointed. i'm not pish-poshing the 27.7, but i just REALLY wanted to hit that 30 pound mark.

so i decided the only thing i could do was get out of the building. i invited a friend to lunch at subway. i figured i deserved to eat a meal after walking away from the baked goodness, and i knew i could have a big salad with red wine vinegar at subway for barely any calories. so i had a really nice, fun lunch, and came back to work feeling pretty good about things. i figured by that time they would have demolished the baked goods.

but they hadn't, for they had been distracted from the brownies and cookies....by....

pizza and chicken strips. along with dipping sauces of every flavor. and as i put it on the reboot facebook page, "i am a slut for condiments." it's not unusual for me to find tiny bottles of ketchup, mustard and mayo in my christmas stocking. so chicken strips alone would have been one thing. but chicken strips with buffalo sauce, honey mustard, bbq sauce, garlic sauce, cheese sauce and pizza sauce? oh HELL no! and i'm not a fan of pizza meats, but of course this happened to be a garden veggie works pizza. sigh.

after consulting the papa john's website, i found out i could have one chicken strip for 65 calories and 2.5g of fat. and so i had one. and then i had a 1" x 1" bite of brownie. it was divine.

and then i felt better.

in situations like this, i like to think about what i would have done if i wasn't rebooting. i would have started the day with a giant chocolate chip cookie. 206 calories. then the brownies would have shown up, and i probably would have had 3 during the day. 470 calories. then i would have had at least 4 chicken strips (260 calories) dipped in honey mustard (75) and buffalo (30) and 2 slices of pizza. 560 calories.

i would have consumed 1,601 calories at work today. then i wouldn't have gone to the gym, i would have come home for dinner. and guess what my family had tonight....pizza. by day's end, i probably would have had around 3,000 calories and no exercise.

instead i had juice, a large salad with tons of veggies, a chicken strip and a bite of brownie, an apple, fresh homemade guacamole, peach mango salsa, kalamata olive hummus, cucumber slices and whole grain pita chips...for around a thousand calories. and that was after an hour long turbo kick class followed by 5k training that left my shirt completely soaking wet.

so while i felt like i failed on the scale this morning, and i felt like i failed by having such intense cravings, and i felt like i failed when i took a chicken strip and a brownie bite....i still succeeded. and if i haven't lost 30 pounds by friday, i will have lost it by next friday. then it's on to the next goal.

a big, special, amazing thank you to the rebooters who talked me off of my ledge today. tony reminded me that if i attacked the food counter in the style of cookie monster, i would have to write "i can't believe i..." on my blog tonight. i know i couldn't have walked away from it without those people on my side.

tomorrow i want to work out about 6 times, but i'll settle for 2. i have a lot of (healthy) food in my belly right now, so there's a chance the scale will be ugly in the morning. that means friday morning is my final hope. then it's off to NYC....

trick or treat, smell my feet!

do you guys get annoyed when i post pictures of things we're NOT supposed to have?

anyway, hi! let me just say that i'm glad i don't have kids coming home with bags of candy this weekend! but this giant bucket of goodness is in my kitchen ready to pass out tomorrow night. i stood next to it while i made my tea tonight, and i wasn't even slightly tempted. which made me think about how pre-reboot, i would have grabbed one of each candy bar and taken it back to my room to eat in bed while watching tv. i'm ashamed by how little thought i gave to the things i put into my mouth before.

in anticipation of halloween being difficult, i gave my mom several bags of smarties and asked her to pass those out this year. i knew i would never be tempted by smarties! she said, "we can't just hand out smarties, our house will be toilet papered!" i claimed that no one cares what kind of candy you give out, but tonight i found this online poll naming smarties the lamest of all halloween candies, so i guess it's good that she added the other stuff. as long as i keep not eating it, everything will be ok.

zumba was a lot of fun today. several people dressed up, so i didn't feel out of place in my panda costume. we got apples and cereal bars as treats, and she did a zumba cd giveaway. there was a lot of energy in the room, and i worked at 100% of my ability. the difference between what i can do on sunday afternoon vs. saturday morning is remarkable. i'll just never be a morning person.

tomorrow i'm going back to my mean green juice. i needed a break because it was impossible to get down after a month or so. but this week is the final push before i leave for NYC with the band friday morning, and i am so determined to leave ohio 30 pounds lighter than i was at our last gig on labor day. i had been at only 3.5 pounds left to goal on friday morning. but after "the dressing incident" i now have to take off 5 pounds in 5 days. crapola.

i know it's not like i FAILED if i "only" lost 28 pounds...but i set this goal and i want to make it happen. if that means two trips to the Y every day this week, then so be it. if it means shaving my head and cutting off my fingernails, then that's what i'll do. ok, that was a lie.

i saw a post on the facebook page today that really grabbed my attention:

Day 8. Nine pounds. I woke up this morning with a feeling I couldn't immediately identify. It's something pretty foreign to me. I have spent my adult life (I'll bet like most of you) on one diet or another. I am a diet expert. It's the results part that have eluded me. I can stick to a diet like nobody's business, but that's hard to justify when the weight loss just doesn't come. Today I realized I'm feeling........hope.

i could have written this post myself. for only the second time in my life that i can remember, i feel like i might really succeed at getting to a healthy weight. and the other time i felt that kind of hope i was on the complete opposite path, on the atkins diet. this time i feel like i've got a healthier plan, and that gives me even MORE hope. 

and now i've got to get some sleep. the Y opens in 5 hours and 15 minutes, so the crazies will probably start lining up in about an hour. i'm smiling as i visualize myself breaking up the fitness friends again tomorrow morning!

blood battle

my top four fears are spiders, ghosts, tornadoes and aliens. after that comes needles. i tried to face my fear by getting a small tattoo several years ago. i hated the way it felt and now i hate the way it looks. experiment failed. so today there was a blood battle (blood drive competition) leading into a rivalry football game tomorrow night. each year i try so hard to psyche myself up to do it. every year i fail. i mean, my mom still has to go with me when i need blood drawn, if that tells you anything.

this story doesn't have a feel-good ending where i overcome the odds. i decided not to do it. a big part of that was that i've just felt a little run down the past couple of days, and i really needed to be able to get through my workout tonight. but when i was making a list of pros and cons, one of the pros was, "it might make me weigh a few ounces less." and THAT is how you know you're a scale addict, folks!

speaking of addictions, i got an iphone today around 4pm. went to zumba at 6 with every intention of doing c25k after. but i couldn't wait to get back to my phone and practically ran out of zumba when it ended. technically it wasn't c25k day anyway since i did it yesterday. but i'm trying to take fewer resting days than scheduled so i can finish the whole plan before the turkey trot.

since i worked out, and since i've been feeling a little weak, i had a meal after the gym--a vegan bean "burrito" i found in the organic section at giant eagle, and some rice with peach mango salsa. tomorrow night, i'll just tell you now, i'm having white bread, chicken, eggs and i'm not sure what else is in there. my mom's dressing (you may call it stuffing) is the highlight of thanksgiving. this year however, circumstances dictate that we have to go out for our meal. so my mom made it for tomorrow night's pre-game party at our house, and i'm going to have some. there are some things that you just can't fight. i'm still winning the war against the mcrib, but this dressing...it's bigger than me. it is pre-made and in the fridge right now, and frankly i'm shocked that i'm not upstairs secretly baking a dish to eat tonight. THAT can be my victory. i honestly don't even care if i gain a pound. totally worth it.

oh..and please remind me that i said that when i'm crying on saturday because i gained a pound.

life before 6am

today i did something i've never done in my life: i went to the gym before 6am.

i had to wake up early to help a friend get to work, so i figured i might as well make up for not being able to go to the gym last night. in my mind, i'd waltz right into the gym at 5:45 and have the run of the house. all of the finest freshly washed towels, pick of the best treadmills, peace and quiet.

holy hell, was i sadly mistaken.

that place is more of a madhouse at 5:45am than at 5:45pm. not only did i not have my pick of the BEST treadmills, i was relegated to the very WORST treadmill. the one that shocks you if your hands are sweaty when you check your heart rate. the one with not enough display options, so it switches back and forth, always lingering on the one you don't want to see at that moment. the one in the back row, too far to read the closed caption on the tv's. think steerage on the titanic, folks. but i powered through in my meager conditions and felt good about doing it before the break of dawn.

my plan was for that to be "last night's" workout, then to do another one after work today. heh. turns out four hours of sleep is not a motivator for a repeat appearance at the gym. i came home and blessed my family with my grumpiness instead! lucky them!

today i had a power struggle in my brain. it was the final day for our local farmer's market. they make these really amazing wood fired pizzas out of fresh, local ingredients. as far as pizza goes, these are as healthy as they come. but it is still flour, it's still some cheese, it's still a good 800 calories for the pie. BUT it was my final chance to have one until MAY! i fought with myself all day about it. in the end i decided i just could not bear to see the scale possibly go up instead of down tomorrow after the stellar week i've had. also my birthday is next week and i had previously requested my favorite meal: homemade meatloaf, mac and cheese, and pumpkin roll for dessert. but today i emailed my mom and called that off too. i just can't thwart momentum like this. i'm going to enjoy a special food treat on friday this week, so i have to sacrifice in some other areas.

so speaking of the scales.... i forgot to weigh last wednesday, so this is a 6 day total: 5.4 pounds! WOOT! that's an entire fat log in one week!  if i can lose 3.7 before next friday, i'll have met my 30 pound goal between labor day and the new york trip with the band. 9 days...that's less than half a pound a day. body don't fail me now!

now if just ONE person who doesn't have any idea i've been dieting would notice my weight loss, i'd feel like i'm really accomplishing something. i know i'm a fatass, but damn. 26.3 pounds and not one random comment? hmph.

and it's not because i think my car is sweet....

well i've become one of those people. the type that park out at the end of the parking lot far away from everyone else. it's not because i'm protective of my car. rather it's because i've been abducted by aliens who probed my brain and sent me back to earth as the kind of girl who chooses to walk farther than necessary to burn off a few extra calories.

today i planned to go to the Y after work to do my 5k training. but throughout the day i lost motivation. i had trouble sleeping last night, only getting about 4 hours. i felt a little shaky and ick all day. i tried everything i could think of to talk myself out of going to the gym at the end of the day. but the next thing i knew, i was jogging on a treadmill.

tomorrow night i have band practice, which is normally one of my favorite places in the world to be. but this week i'm really annoyed that i have to miss zumba and yoga to be there.

what has happened to me? the balance of power has shifted. the fat used to control me, but now i am controlling the fat. i'm telling it where to go. remember the fat logs? i am less than a pound from having lost FIVE of them now.

my intent has been to go all-juice for the next 10 days. but for a variety of reasons, i haven't made that happen. i've been drinking organic juice (lakewood) and eating healthy foods. tonight i made the best dinner. kashi tlc pita crisps (click here for a $1.00 coupon), my new healthy snack addiction. then peach mango salsa, cucumber, and ah-maz-ing guacamole that i made. it's incredible how good something like this tastes, and what a treat it seems to be, compared with the way i used to eat. let's be honest, if i wasn't rebooting, odds are 10:10 that i would have had a mcrib, fries, pumpkin pie and peppermint mocha for my dinner tonight-- 1420 calories.

i have really been overwhelmed by the comments i've received from people this week telling me that i've inspired them. i'll touch on that a bit more tomorrow. tonight i just want to stress again that if i can do this, you can do this. i'm not even doing 100% juice anymore, and i'm still seeing great results. so if you ARE still fasting, you'll see even better results even faster. however you are reaching your goals, the important thing is to stay in control, and not to let losing a battle keep you from winning the war.

this one's for scratch (and anyone on a budget)

a reader posted this comment on yesterday's blog entry: I immediately began seeing results and was so motivated. Then the reality of the cost of this made me stop. I found it to be very expensive! Would you mind sharing any tips on keeping the costs reasonable? 

i think i spent nearly $100 in my first few days of juicing, plus the cost of the juicer itself. i was really worried about how i would afford to keep doing this. but i learned and adapted along the way.

1. i bought too much produce starting out. i thought i would want to be uber-creative and have 3-4 different juices every day to keep things interesting. eventually i learned that i was fine with the same juice all day every day for a few days in a row. so much of what i bought the first week went bad before i could juice it because the produced netted more juice than i expected, and i dank less than i expected. when you stick to one or two recipes at a time, you tend not to over-buy.

2. watch for sales. i will go to 2 and sometimes 3 different stores to get what i need, depending on what i plan to drink. if aldi has a sale on lemons and carrots, i go there, and then hit giant eagle for kale and cucumbers. check the sale ads on sunday and then determine what you can juice that week for the lowest cost.

3. freeze it. if you get a great deal on something, make extra juice and freeze it for later. sure it's ideal if you can drink it right away. but the reboot nutritionist said it's fine to freeze it for up to a month. this can be a time saver, too. make a huge batch over the weekend and you don't have to touch your juicer again for a week!

4. i have a great farmer's market in my town. unfortunately, this will be the final week for that. i was also blessed to have many friends with gardens who gave me lots of overstock. i also read somewhere about someone who talks to the produce managers at her local stores, and they will sell her boxes of produce that are not fit for the shelves anymore. she juices them right away and freezes the juice--and gets a HUGE box of produce for $5.

5. i cheat. i have purchased a LOT of bottled juice at my local health food store. in place of "mean green," i drank bottles of lakewood juice's "lean green." i purchase a case at a time (6 bottles) to get a 10% discount, which makes them about $4 a bottle. a bottle plus some edamame or an apple, seeds and nuts will get me through my day, and i can't make a batch of mean green for $4. i also love the r.w. knudsen low sodium very veggie juice. i gently warm it in the microwave and eat it with a spoon like tomato soup. i could never make a juice this good, this easily for $4-$5. buying these bottled juices made my life so much easier. but be careful...i am so sick of "lean green" right now that i can't even force it down. use these to supplement, not as 100% of your juice.

6. i eat. if you've been following along at home, you know that i juiced for 18 days, then went to new york and ate the big apple. and the big thai meal. and the big cupcake. after that i never completely went back to long periods of juice only. but i have learned how to use healthy foods to supplement what i do with juice. except for the 2 weekends when i have completely let myself go, i have lost weight every single week on this modified plan. eating some simple raw foods like edamame, hummus or unsalted roasted sunflower seeds helps to fill me up, meaning i need less juice. sometimes i'll chop up an entire head of iceberg lettuce or a whole bag of baby spinach and mix it with a little bit of olive oil, then drench with red wine vinegar and top with the sunflower seeds. this is a huge meal that contains under 150 calories and costs under $2 to make.

7. i keep in mind what i used to spend on food. it was nothing for me to pick up a fast food lunch 5 days a week. subway cost $8 for a sandwich, sun chips and drink. wendy's was nearly $7 for the salad i loved. taco bell was $5 for the big beefy box. so that was $25-$40 a week just for lunch. not to mention snacks from the machine at work, a mid-afternoon run to mcdonald's for a $3 frappe or mocha. then the weekend would hit and i'd routinely be at dinner with friends, easily spending $30 on a meal, drinks and tip. i really think that on this plan i am probably saving money compared to the way i used to eat.

8. making other sacrifices to afford this diet will save me money in the long run. consider this paragraph from usnews.com: The annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man, according to George Washington University researchers. Being overweight, meanwhile, costs $524 for women and $432 for men. Driving up the price-tag are employee sick days, lost productivity, short-term disability, emergency room care, and even the need for extra gasoline. One reason the costs are higher for a woman? Past research suggests larger women earn less than skinnier women, while men's wages don't vary based on their weight, the study authors say. The report also averages in the economic value of lost life, since obesity can lead to earlier death—which brings the annual costs up further to $8,365 for women and $6,518 for men. 

did you hear that, ladies? our fatness is reflected in our wages! fat dudes can still get good jobs and hot chicks if they are smart and have decent personalities (or decent bank accounts). but fat chicks, no matter how smart or personable, just have a tougher time getting ahead. 


9. juice in-season. different fruits and vegetables fluctuate in cost depending on your geographic location. find out what's nearby and in season, then plan your juices around that quarterly. when i started juicing i could get cantaloupes bigger than my head for $1.50. now if i can find them at all they are small, hard, and $3-$4.

10. i don't have another tip, but who could leave a list at only 9 items? i guess i'd just say to try making a list of the things you spend money on, and see where you can cut back for awhile. if you smoke, now is a great time to quit and use that money for your health. if you buy coffee every day, pick up a box of herbal tea and drink that instead. as for me, i make my warm lemon water my morning beverage. if you drink alcohol, cut that out while juicing for obvious reasons. manis? pedis? unplanned shopping trips? top of the line shampoos and perfumes? food, clothes and shelter for your kids? ok, you can't skimp on that stuff. but just keep in mind that your life is worth splurging on.

i have read that the cost of juicing runs most people an average of $14 per day. that amounts to $840 in 60 days. i'd say i'm doing it for closer to $10 a day. which would be a lot of extra expense if i was still buying all of those lunches and frappes. but for me, it has not really been a hardship. if you can't afford the cost, try doing all juice just 3 days a week, and eating as healthy as possible the other days. this should still give you results.

if anyone has any other tips or questions, please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at cheeserbeezer@gmail.com. good luck, scratch. hope this helps!

i've crossed the line

last night i visited with a friend i hadn't seen in a few weeks. she kept saying, "i can't believe how much less of you there is!" i know i'm smaller, but i still don't feel like it's that noticeable. but she said, "you have crossed the line now. you used to be an overweight girl who was pretty. now you're a pretty girl with a few pounds to lose." ok, if by a few she means 40-50...but still, today i saw what she meant.

first of all, that picture you see is of size 16 old navy jeans, on my person, buttoned and zipped. do you know how long it's been since i bought a pair of size 16's? long enough that i don't even have them anymore. i gave up on ever being that size again. plus when i WAS that size, it was such a brief time that i probably only had 2 pairs of jeans anyway. now in the interest of full disclosure, these 16's definitely muffin-top me, and i won't be wearing them in public anytime soon. they are my new "inspiration" jeans, since all of my old inspiration jeans fit again. plus they were on sale for $17 and i figured i should snag them now before they're $30 again.

as i shopped today, i felt different. when i'd see my reflection in a store window or in the fitting room mirror, i didn't want to cry. instead of seeing how far i have to go, i could see how far i have come. when i was looking through the racks of clothes, i didn't feel like people were looking at me thinking, "do they even sell her size here? she must be shopping for a gift for someone else." i even tried on a coat at old navy that was too big, and they didn't have the next size down so i couldn't get it. really can't tell you the last time i couldn't buy something because they didn't have it one size SMALLER.

i took this picture of me in the fitting room. like i said, the jeans are the highway to muffin top city. but other than that, i don't hate the body in this picture. this girl looks kinda normal. and i can see the potential here when another 25 pounds come off. that will be life changing stuff...and bank account depleting stuff, because i don't know how i'll be able to stop myself from buying every single cute thing that fits me.

today is the reason why i didn't eat the 6 day old pizza. and it's the reason why i got out of bed this morning at 7:30 and worked out at the gym for 90 minutes. i actually had some pizza last night. brand new, hot, delicious pizza. 2 small pieces. and after i got home from the gym this morning, i weighed less than i did yesterday. that is how you eat pizza...occasionally and in a small helping. then you exercise it away. emotionally i am HAPPY that i had that pizza last night. but imagine how i would have felt if i'd finished that box of gross leftover pizza just because i was sad and bored.

so this is me on september 5th, two days before i started my reboot. this was the day i ate a milkshake, mexican for lunch, japanese for dinner and a blizzard to top it off. i remember thinking i looked really pretty that day. then i saw this picture on facebook and almost cried. now i'm so thankful this picture is there because i have something to remind me of why i'm doing this.

i had every intention of writing a blog last night, but got too sleepy. the subject was going to be how i found out "mcrib is BACK" at mcdonald's and how they have peppermint mochas and pumpkin pies are 2 for $1, and how hard this would make my life. but today....i don't care. if i want a mcrib, i'll have one, not three. not with fries and a shake. but i probably won't have one because it can't possibly taste as good as it felt to come home with a pair of size 16 jeans today. look out, 14's...i'm coming for you next.

now if i could only find a store with an iphone 4s in stock, this would be the best day ever.

STEP#5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

this leftover pizza (not mine) is in the refrigerator, and it's all i can think about. what the hell is my problem? it's SIX days old. it can't even be good anymore! but there's a little demon in my brain saying, "go eat it...eat it all, eat it in the darkness while everyone is sleeping and it will be our secret. say you threw it away and they will never know." i swear i need an AA type sponsor, i'm a fricking addict. so this blog post is my step #5, admitting to God, to myself and to my blog readers that i am a big fat idiot. i want this nasty, dried up, grease-laden pizza in my belly. and i want to wash it down with ice cream and doritos. and then to be entirely honest, i want to stick my finger down my throat and throw it all up, because i want to eat it but i don't want it to count. sigh.

but i won't do any of that. i just had a few pistachios to shut my stomach up. i had some tomato juice today and some carrot juice. some soybeans and some black beans. a few pita chips, an apple. it's a mixed bag for me right now. i really want to do a week of all juice, but it just got so....gross. and it's a LOT of work to make juice, as most of you know. but my original reason for starting this, the trip to NYC, is only 2 weeks away. if i could juice for a straight week i could probably drop another 7 pounds. but...ugh.

many asked if i had any effects today from last night's pepper disaster. my face and eyes were fine. i opened up new contacts, because i was afraid the pepper would never come off of the ones i had in last night, and i wasn't about to find out the hard way. although based on what i've read tonight, saline would have taken care of it because salt is one of the few things that the oil can bond to. live and learn. i do think i suffered what amounts to a chemical burn on my thumb. whenever i touched something warm today, it felt like it had been burned on a hot stove. when i took a hot bath tonight (sore muscles from last night's training session), it KILLED. at least i hope it's from the pepper because webMD says it could be anything from thyroid disease to rabies. wonderful.

i do have to say that even though i'm still about 40-50 pounds from my ultimate goal, i am happy with my progress. tonight i told my mom that since january 2010 i have lost 60 pounds. unfortunately it has been the same 20 pounds 3 different times. this time i HAVE to keep going instead of gaining it back and starting over. this weekend an old friend i haven't seen in almost a year is coming to town and wants to get together. while i wish i was going to be a surprise knockout and a size 8, i'm glad i know that i weigh 7 pounds less than the last time i saw him. hopefully the next time i'll be that size 8. so hear you me, demon. six day old leftover pizza is not the way to get into tiny pants. let's just go to sleep instead.

it looked like a good, big, healthy snack

just 10 minutes ago i was in the midst of a terrible trauma, people! let's back up about 30 minutes. i was really hungry, and i hadn't eaten/drank much today considering the way i worked out. a zumba friend had given me some lovely peppers, and i had some nice organic roasted red pepper hummus. i sliced up one of the "hot" peppers too and took a bite. wasn't bad at all.

but as i ate, my lips started to burn. not so much i couldn't stand it, but enough to feel "plump." i switched to the carrots and grapes and left the rest of the peppers behind.

then i reached for a makeup cleansing cloth from my gym bag, and that's when the trouble began. either the pepper oil was on my hands and went through the cloth, or i smeared it from my lips up onto the rest of my face. suddenly my eyes were on FIRE, along with the rest of my face. i blindly made my way to the bathroom where i decided i needed to pull out my contacts. mistake # 3. the pain was so intense it honestly crossed my mind that i might end up blind. i grabbed a cool washcloth and that didn't help much. with eyes closed i found a handful of cotton balls and made my way into the kitchen where without opening my eyes i managed to pour some milk into a cup. then i soaked the cotton balls in it and applied to my face and eyes. this cooled me enough to be able to open my eyes and then clean off my milky face. when i got back to the bathroom i found out that i had succeeded in removing my contacts which were stuck to the floor, and that i appeared to have just had a chemical peel. as i write this i have a cooling masque on my face.

i'm sure you'll understand that after suffering that much, i totally deserved one bite of delicious peanut butter ice cream. you know, just to cool off my mouth. heh.

to make things worse, this was the second bodily harm i suffered today! as mentioned, i had an appointment with a personal trainer tonight. i now officially know that i would not survive a day on the biggest loser ranch. he definitely pushed me, but he didn't scream obscenities at me a'la jillian michaels. parts of my body hurt that i didn't even know existed. my entire shirt was soaked except for the lovely outline of my sports bra. hot. while i don't think i could ever work that hard again, i also want to hire this guy to put me through the wringer every week. it's that love/hate pleasure/pain thing you get from a great workout.

when i got home from that, i actually weighed a pound less than i did this morning. which puts me back in milestone territory. as i mentioned last night, friday had been a big day. i finally hit my first goal, then soared back past it over the weekend. i've now lost 5.1 of the 5.5 pounds i gained over the weekend. whew. off to the races.

the title of tonight's blog was said in the voice of the rock biter from one of my favorite movies of all time, the never ending story. such a sad scene. 

what do you want to talk about tonight?

for once, i'm kind of at a loss for words. today was uneventful. i struggled once again. my juice is just not going down easily. i need new juice, and it's my fault for not making it happen. i'm being a lazy juicer/produce buyer. i laid around all evening and ended up eating an apple whole. i also stopped at the farmer's market after work and had a nibble on their super special harvest meal, prepared by local chefs. they had butternut curry soup! holy cow. i'd had plans to make butternut soup tonight anyway. i should have taken its picture for the blog, but i was in too big of a hurry to hog it down after only having one small cup of juice all day. i need to get my act together, people.

this morning was my weigh-in. i only lost 2 pounds this week. but if you've been following along at home, you know all of the crap i ate. melt on friday, pizza and beer on saturday. i had the farmer's market pizza last wednesday. a pistachio binge on monday. so i'm pretty happy with 2 pounds. i'm SO close to my first big goal. hopefully tomorrow or the next day. the last time i weighed what i weigh now was july, 2010.

oh, i can talk about the upcoming weekend. i am a board member for a scholarship pageant, which is saturday. friday night is set-up and then the board goes to my favorite local italian restaurant. i am skipping that and going to my friend's house instead. saturday though....they bring in awesome doughnuts and pastries for breakfast. plus on my way there i'm picking up a dozen cupcakes from THE cupcake place i mentioned on my mom's birthday. for lunch, wendy's sends a bunch of free food over. then it's my actual job to take all of the judges back to the favorite italian place for another free meal. then after the pageant, everyone goes to applebees. plus backstage is filled with cookies and candy all weekend. on sunday i am going to hang out with a friend, and i'm pretty sure food is supposed to be involved. i can dodge a lot of this. the thing is, i won't WANT to. does anyone else have a weird hangup when the food is free? i was never super privileged, but i never starved as a child either. however, for some reason i have the hardest time passing up a free meal. would it cross my mind ever to go through wendy's drive thru right now? not a chance. but when they bring in the free burgers and fries, i will really feel like i'm missing out. what is the deal? it's like a $4.00 meal. i have 10x that much money just in CHANGE in my car. it's not like i need to hoard free food.

i did arrange to go late to the event on saturday morning so i can go to zumba first. and on sunday i told my friend i have to be home by 4 for zumba. so i'm committed to the exercise, but having to say "no" to SIX different "special occasions" in ONE weekend is going to be tough. i could use all the support i can get.

just gotta keep thinking about how things will be if i can drop another 20 pounds. we're talking whole new wardrobe. squeal!

me + c25k = together again

from a juice/exercise standpoint, today was good. this morning i thought back on all of the crap i managed to sneak into my mouth this past week, and realized today was my final chance to make the scale move AT ALL when i weigh-in tomorrow. not so much as one soybean went into my mouth today. it was all juice and water.

i have two secret weapons that i will reveal to you now. you've earned it by sticking with my blog this long. 1) the first thing i drink every morning is a cup of warm water with a generous squeeze of lemon juice in it. i get about 3 days out of one lemon if that helps you with the size of the squirt. lemons can do all sorts of amazing things in our bodies, but this day-starting beverage will get your digestive system going, which will kick your metabolism into gear. it's also a great warm beverage if you are trying to kick a coffee habit. i have come to look forward to it very much. 2) my second secret weapon stems from the last thing i tried to lose weight: zija. odds are good you've heard of it, and i won't get into what it is, does, costs, etc. but one component of the zija system is a detoxifying tea that you drink before bed, then in the morning you go to the potty. i used to sell zija and still have my distributorship, so i decided to try adding this tea to my juice diet. it works SO well. 3-4 nights a week i have a cup and always see a great loss the next morning. i can order it for anyone who is interested, but i would guess that your local health food store would have a comparable product.

so today i started my day with the warm lemon water, then i had some green juice through the day, along with about 2 liters of water. i hated my green juice today, i really did. one of the hardest parts of this diet is finding a juice you like, then not getting burned out on it. 3 weeks ago i loved this juice, now i can barely stand the sight, taste or smell of it. time to switch things up a bit. tonight i made a recipe i saw on the reboot facebook page. someone posted that they juiced butternut squash, sweet potato, green onions, and red bell peppers; added garlic, tumeric, and paprika; gently warmed and served as soup. she said it was good enough to serve to non-juicers. hmmm. it was decent enough that i was able to eat a big bowl of it tonight. but i don't think anyone would be interested that didn't HAVE to eat it. i would like to get her exact recipe, because i was just guessing on amounts. i felt like it was overly starchy and more sweet than savory, which i didn't expect.

i also worked out tonight, biggest loser last-chance-workout style. for many years, my goal was to run a 5k. last august i started the couch-to-5k program that starts you out running for 60 seconds at a time and progresses you to 30 minutes of running in 9 weeks. i ran my first 5k on thanksgiving day 2010. i did 3 more after that, then quit running over the summer. i wasn't sure i would get back together with running this fall. but tonight i went to the Y an hour before zumba and started back at the beginning of C25K, and it went beautifully. i was sweating like a beast, but i felt great. i think i can be ready in time for the turkey trot. even if i am not at the point of running 3 miles, i'll be able to do a run/walk combo. after that i went through my weight and kettlebell exercises. then i went to zumba where i crashed. i wanted to work HARD and i just could not make my body do it. i have never been that incapable before. sometimes i am lazy and don't work hard, but tonight i was giving it everything i had, and my body was barely responding. i was starting to wonder if i should go buy a gatorade or something, because i felt awful. but after zumba i went to yoga, which is a great way to relax, and after that i was fine. 

so i'm hoping that my day of juice, water and exercise will push the scale just a little tomorrow, after a tragic week of shoving crap into my mouth. i had the chance to reach a big milestone this week, and i blew it. but if i can get close tomorrow, then it should only take another day or two to get there.

of COURSE another hard weekend is coming up with special occasions. i have come to realize that my whole life seems to be a special occasion. but more on that later.

if you are interested in the couch-to-5k program, start here: couch to 5k website

i've been published

hello, and i apologize for my silence. it was a crazy hectic weekend, and i just needed a break from thinking! but while i've been gone, something cool has happened. i have become a staff member for delicious voices magazine. editor benjamin micah asked me to write my reboot story and to provide regular updates. so starting with this missive, my blog posts will be copied to the delicious voices website as well as posted here. you can find my introductory post by clicking here.

the news of my post going live couldn't have come at a better time. i learned of it as i was laying in my bed, contemplating going to the store for hummus and pita chips. today has been rough. it's not hard to figure out why...i've been away from juice again. on friday i went to "melt." i did good by one set of standards, terrible by another. all day i told myself "get a salad." then i got there and saw and smelled the food. it's truly my favorite restaurant in the world, and it's 90 minutes from home. so it's not like i get there weekly. so i ordered my favorite sandwich. BUT...i only ate half of it, and i sent the other half home with my friend as to not be tempted on saturday. i didn't get fries, but oh how i wanted them! i did take about 3 bites of pumpkin cheesecake, too. oh, and i had a cocktail--the drunken pumpkin. of everything i consumed, i regret that the most. it tasted good, but it didn't do much for me. i would have been content with water.

on saturday i bought 12 gourmet cupcakes and didn't eat any of them. i bought food at bob evans and delivered it to a friend. i stood strong. then i went out with a friend from cleveland and ended up with 3 beers, 2 (small) slices of pizza and 5 pieces of fried broccoli in my belly. IDIOT. none of it was amazing, none of it was worthwhile. i loathed myself for it.

on sunday i decided to ease back into juice by eating vegan. i had some chickpeas in curry sauce, some carrots, and lettuce in olive oil and red wine vinegar. so all in all, my total food consumption for the entire 3 days probably was less than i used to eat in one day. but after juicing, this was a major deviation from the plan, and one i'm not proud of--especially saturday. i did go to zumba saturday morning and sunday afternoon. but this morning i was still up 8/10 of a pound from friday.

so as it will always be after straying, today was a rough day. first of all i didn't enjoy my juice, pure carrot juice. i should have mixed it with some oranges. then i came home to the scent of barbecue ribs slow roasting in the crock pot and i swear i felt my heart break. i had every intention of going to walk or work out, but ended up hiding in my room, napping and feeling sad. i "pigged out" on some pistachios, then felt sad some more. then i started hardcore fantasizing about me and a container of hummus and bag of garlic pita chips...

and that's when benjamin posted my story on delicious voices, and i read what i wrote when i was on a juice and weight loss high last week, and it renewed my faith in myself. a friend on the reboot fb page has survived not one, but TWO canadian thanksgiving dinners in the past 2 days, and she hasn't caved. i have willpower like that inside of me, i just need to dig it back out and stop making excuses.

tomorrow is a new day, and it WILL be an all juice day. i have zumba and yoga in the evening, so i have a chance to work off some of these mistakes. i have to remember i'm on a journey, not in a race. there will be times when i deviate, but it doesn't have to mean the trip is over. now i'm not only responsible to myself, but also to the people i'm hoping to inspire through this blog, on facebook and now via delicious voices. thanks to benjamin for the opportunity. it's one more weapon in my arsenal against failure.

41 days left

ok, today felt like a deep breath. i am mostly recovered from my psychosis. i had some good pep talks from my mom and some friends. i didn't feel angry or starved today. i didn't have any edamame, but i did eat a few lima beans at my friend's house, and some iceberg lettuce with red wine vinegar and garlic on it. i'm ok with these things. they keep me feeling full, give me some protein and fiber, and they're healthy. or at least not detrimental. for the most part i just had juice and water today.

but tomorrow starts another weekend of difficulty. there's another pre-game meal at my house. i'm also invited to my friend's house before the game where they are having pumpkin cake and who knows what else. after the game i'm going to an alumni party (it's homecoming) where my ticket price includes food and beer. then saturday i'm going to the ohio state football game which includes 4 hours of tailgating. sigh. if my friend EVEN suggests stopping at skyline chili on the way home i'm dead meat.

i feel like i've been nothing but negative this week, so i'll touch on some good things. when i was walking in NYC i noticed that my arms weren't brushing against any rolls of fat above my waist. i used to have this "back bacon" that i wasn't really fully aware of until it was gone. i kept thinking, "something feels different," and i finally realized my arms were freely clearing the sides of my body. this morning i took my brand new jeans out of the dryer and put them right on without having to do any squats to stretch them. and they are in what (for me) is a respectable size. i.e. not the largest size on the shelf at old navy. when i got out of my car at the gym, i felt like my workout shorts were weird. i realized they were hanging lower than normal and needed the drawstring tightened. oh, and also, i found this picture of baby pandas snuggling each other. and while that has nothing to do with juice or weight loss, it definitely made my day better!

so thanks for sticking by me while i've gone through this tough week. i promise not to give up on me if you don't give up on me. good luck this weekend to all of my fellow juicers/rebooters.

46 days left

***WARNING - this blog entry contains explicit food references! Rated NSFHJ - not suitable for hungry juicers***

pictured to the left is the meal i am going to eat in new york city this weekend. instead of stressing about "will i or won't i eat," i have made the decision to eat a meal. i found a raw vegan restaurant called quintessence. according to the many reviews i mentally binged on last night, the mexican platter is the best thing going:

Our incredibly delicious enchilada - golden flax and corn tortilla filled with "refried beans", "cheese", tomato and lettuce drenched with mole sauce and finished with a dollop of "sour crème" paired with our new amazing tostada. Served with Guajillo chili sauce and garlic scallion wild rice.

ok, so they don't get any points from me for comma placement, but i will happily try this meal. by saturday i will be on day 18 of the fast, almost 33% finished, and i feel like i can have a meal without blowing the whole thing. but i am keeping it raw and vegan as to not confuse my body too much. i'm so excited to try something like this.

i should note that before writing this blog, i was checking out this link to the top 10 new foods at fairs.  i am intrigued by deep fried butter on a stick and buffalo chicken wrapped in a pancake deep fried on a stick. i do admit to loving any foods that are served on sticks! this is why i'll be steering clear of my county's fair this week.

today i was hungry. i drank juice ALL DAY. there was almost never a moment when i didn't have juice in front of me. i don't know what my problem was. after zumba and yoga i warmed up a bowl of "very veggie" and ate it like tomato soup. my dad said, "are you eating food?" i said i was eating warm juice, and he scrunched up his face and said, "that's not healthy, you need some food." finally my dad weighs in! i said, "being fat isn't healthy," and he didn't say anything else.

today i decided that i'm married to this "arrangement" for the whole 60 days. i'm committing to it like a spouse. while i may have a wandering eye, i will not cheat on it. except we have a special agreement regarding the vegan meal this weekend. it's kind of like that list of "five celebrities you have no chance with so you can sleep with them if you're asked" that some couples have. i might need to put melt bar and grilled on that list too, because it's my favorite place in the world to eat, and my friend's boyfriend owns it so sometimes "melt happens." the good news is they have vegan options....even though i really want the grilled cheese sandwich with lasagna on it and some pumpkin pecan bread pudding. melt's menu is hardcore food porn. for example, that entire sandwich in the picture has been deep fried. luckily for my non-pissed-in favorite jeans, it doesn't come on a stick.