Thursday, October 27, 2011

blood battle

my top four fears are spiders, ghosts, tornadoes and aliens. after that comes needles. i tried to face my fear by getting a small tattoo several years ago. i hated the way it felt and now i hate the way it looks. experiment failed. so today there was a blood battle (blood drive competition) leading into a rivalry football game tomorrow night. each year i try so hard to psyche myself up to do it. every year i fail. i mean, my mom still has to go with me when i need blood drawn, if that tells you anything.

this story doesn't have a feel-good ending where i overcome the odds. i decided not to do it. a big part of that was that i've just felt a little run down the past couple of days, and i really needed to be able to get through my workout tonight. but when i was making a list of pros and cons, one of the pros was, "it might make me weigh a few ounces less." and THAT is how you know you're a scale addict, folks!

speaking of addictions, i got an iphone today around 4pm. went to zumba at 6 with every intention of doing c25k after. but i couldn't wait to get back to my phone and practically ran out of zumba when it ended. technically it wasn't c25k day anyway since i did it yesterday. but i'm trying to take fewer resting days than scheduled so i can finish the whole plan before the turkey trot.

since i worked out, and since i've been feeling a little weak, i had a meal after the gym--a vegan bean "burrito" i found in the organic section at giant eagle, and some rice with peach mango salsa. tomorrow night, i'll just tell you now, i'm having white bread, chicken, eggs and i'm not sure what else is in there. my mom's dressing (you may call it stuffing) is the highlight of thanksgiving. this year however, circumstances dictate that we have to go out for our meal. so my mom made it for tomorrow night's pre-game party at our house, and i'm going to have some. there are some things that you just can't fight. i'm still winning the war against the mcrib, but this dressing...it's bigger than me. it is pre-made and in the fridge right now, and frankly i'm shocked that i'm not upstairs secretly baking a dish to eat tonight. THAT can be my victory. i honestly don't even care if i gain a pound. totally worth it.

oh..and please remind me that i said that when i'm crying on saturday because i gained a pound.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

life before 6am

today i did something i've never done in my life: i went to the gym before 6am.

i had to wake up early to help a friend get to work, so i figured i might as well make up for not being able to go to the gym last night. in my mind, i'd waltz right into the gym at 5:45 and have the run of the house. all of the finest freshly washed towels, pick of the best treadmills, peace and quiet.

holy hell, was i sadly mistaken.

that place is more of a madhouse at 5:45am than at 5:45pm. not only did i not have my pick of the BEST treadmills, i was relegated to the very WORST treadmill. the one that shocks you if your hands are sweaty when you check your heart rate. the one with not enough display options, so it switches back and forth, always lingering on the one you don't want to see at that moment. the one in the back row, too far to read the closed caption on the tv's. think steerage on the titanic, folks. but i powered through in my meager conditions and felt good about doing it before the break of dawn.

my plan was for that to be "last night's" workout, then to do another one after work today. heh. turns out four hours of sleep is not a motivator for a repeat appearance at the gym. i came home and blessed my family with my grumpiness instead! lucky them!

today i had a power struggle in my brain. it was the final day for our local farmer's market. they make these really amazing wood fired pizzas out of fresh, local ingredients. as far as pizza goes, these are as healthy as they come. but it is still flour, it's still some cheese, it's still a good 800 calories for the pie. BUT it was my final chance to have one until MAY! i fought with myself all day about it. in the end i decided i just could not bear to see the scale possibly go up instead of down tomorrow after the stellar week i've had. also my birthday is next week and i had previously requested my favorite meal: homemade meatloaf, mac and cheese, and pumpkin roll for dessert. but today i emailed my mom and called that off too. i just can't thwart momentum like this. i'm going to enjoy a special food treat on friday this week, so i have to sacrifice in some other areas.

so speaking of the scales.... i forgot to weigh last wednesday, so this is a 6 day total: 5.4 pounds! WOOT! that's an entire fat log in one week!  if i can lose 3.7 before next friday, i'll have met my 30 pound goal between labor day and the new york trip with the band. 9 days...that's less than half a pound a day. body don't fail me now!

now if just ONE person who doesn't have any idea i've been dieting would notice my weight loss, i'd feel like i'm really accomplishing something. i know i'm a fatass, but damn. 26.3 pounds and not one random comment? hmph.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

i'd like to thank the academy....

i have felt so good all week. it started with that shopping trip and has continued each day as the scale has been moving at a rapid pace. i am proud of myself, but there is no way i could do this without a cast of thousands. i realize that by trying to remember everyone to thank, i risk leaving someone out. but i'm going to try not to do that.

katelyn stroh - when you started couch to 5k last year it inspired me to try it too, and i was able to achieve my dream of running a 5k. while i have spent the year gaining and losing weight, doing that 5k made me believe i was capable of anything, and now i'm training all over again. you inspire me.

debbie hanchette - you have talked to me several times over the years about raw foods and juice. the evening we had dinner on your deck with melons, smoothies and guacamole, i realized that i could be stuffed full and never involve an unhealthy food. then as i started this, you were my biggest cheerleader. you gave me advice, and sent money with me to NYC to enjoy a vegan meal. you emailed me encouragement at my lowest and praise at my highest. i want you to be proud of me. you're one of the best people i've ever known.

veronica crawford and jodi mathews - i saw you writing to each other on facebook about fat, sick and nearly dead and decided to check it out.

mom - you have been great at supporting me without making me mad. ;-) when i was ready to quit after NYC your email kept me going. you were even pretty nice about the times when everything in the house was sticky with juice. your emails make me happy, and i totally need you on my side.

sally warner - another one of my biggest cheerleaders. sally has been helping me with my health and fitness since we first met in the spring. she teaches my zumba and yoga classes, and she's a great friend. sally, thank you for all of the encouragement and praise. thank you for dean! thank you for encouraging me to push past what i believe my limits to be. not wanting to let you down has been a motivator in times when i was ok with letting myself down. i can't say enough good about you OR the YMCA. that place is so much more than a gym. it's a family there.

michael alisiano - i work with michael, and in april he started an optifast liquid diet and has lost over 80 pounds. seeing the incredible shrinking man every day was amazing. then when i saw fat, sick and nearly dead and asked myself if i could be ok on just juice, i thought of michael. he seemed happy and well adjusted on his liquid diet, and his life was changing before my eyes. michael (mikey), if you hadn't done what you did, i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing. see you at zumba.

ONE - the band i work for got booked in NYC november 4th, and we made a pact to lose weight between labor day and november 4th. another source of inspiration.

the rebooters on facebook - wow. you guys have become such good friends. i spend WAY too much time each day reading and posting, and you all have helped me so much. the stories are inspiring. even when one of you stumbles it reminds me that we're human and that it's ok to stumble as long as you get back up. without you i'd be less inclined to keep doing this. you've made me feel like a leader, and i want to help keep us ALL motivated.

my blog readers - i can see the daily stats. 100 people a day, 200 people a day. netherlands, australia, united kingdom, russia, america. i have come to feel a sense of obligation to you. if i quit it might mean hundreds of others around the world will have less hope. and then the people YOU'RE inspiring will have less hope, and so on. knowing i'll have to confess my sins to all of you makes me less inclined to commit them.

if you're reading this then you're helping me, and i'm thankful for you. tomorrow morning is official weigh-in day. here's hoping for a number that keeps me a safe distance from mcrib for another day!

Monday, October 24, 2011

and it's not because i think my car is sweet....

well i've become one of those people. the type that park out at the end of the parking lot far away from everyone else. it's not because i'm protective of my car. rather it's because i've been abducted by aliens who probed my brain and sent me back to earth as the kind of girl who chooses to walk farther than necessary to burn off a few extra calories.

today i planned to go to the Y after work to do my 5k training. but throughout the day i lost motivation. i had trouble sleeping last night, only getting about 4 hours. i felt a little shaky and ick all day. i tried everything i could think of to talk myself out of going to the gym at the end of the day. but the next thing i knew, i was jogging on a treadmill.

tomorrow night i have band practice, which is normally one of my favorite places in the world to be. but this week i'm really annoyed that i have to miss zumba and yoga to be there.

what has happened to me? the balance of power has shifted. the fat used to control me, but now i am controlling the fat. i'm telling it where to go. remember the fat logs? i am less than a pound from having lost FIVE of them now.

my intent has been to go all-juice for the next 10 days. but for a variety of reasons, i haven't made that happen. i've been drinking organic juice (lakewood) and eating healthy foods. tonight i made the best dinner. kashi tlc pita crisps (click here for a $1.00 coupon), my new healthy snack addiction. then peach mango salsa, cucumber, and ah-maz-ing guacamole that i made. it's incredible how good something like this tastes, and what a treat it seems to be, compared with the way i used to eat. let's be honest, if i wasn't rebooting, odds are 10:10 that i would have had a mcrib, fries, pumpkin pie and peppermint mocha for my dinner tonight-- 1420 calories.

i have really been overwhelmed by the comments i've received from people this week telling me that i've inspired them. i'll touch on that a bit more tomorrow. tonight i just want to stress again that if i can do this, you can do this. i'm not even doing 100% juice anymore, and i'm still seeing great results. so if you ARE still fasting, you'll see even better results even faster. however you are reaching your goals, the important thing is to stay in control, and not to let losing a battle keep you from winning the war.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

this one's for scratch (and anyone on a budget)

a reader posted this comment on yesterday's blog entry: I immediately began seeing results and was so motivated. Then the reality of the cost of this made me stop. I found it to be very expensive! Would you mind sharing any tips on keeping the costs reasonable? 

i think i spent nearly $100 in my first few days of juicing, plus the cost of the juicer itself. i was really worried about how i would afford to keep doing this. but i learned and adapted along the way.

1. i bought too much produce starting out. i thought i would want to be uber-creative and have 3-4 different juices every day to keep things interesting. eventually i learned that i was fine with the same juice all day every day for a few days in a row. so much of what i bought the first week went bad before i could juice it because the produced netted more juice than i expected, and i dank less than i expected. when you stick to one or two recipes at a time, you tend not to over-buy.

2. watch for sales. i will go to 2 and sometimes 3 different stores to get what i need, depending on what i plan to drink. if aldi has a sale on lemons and carrots, i go there, and then hit giant eagle for kale and cucumbers. check the sale ads on sunday and then determine what you can juice that week for the lowest cost.

3. freeze it. if you get a great deal on something, make extra juice and freeze it for later. sure it's ideal if you can drink it right away. but the reboot nutritionist said it's fine to freeze it for up to a month. this can be a time saver, too. make a huge batch over the weekend and you don't have to touch your juicer again for a week!

4. i have a great farmer's market in my town. unfortunately, this will be the final week for that. i was also blessed to have many friends with gardens who gave me lots of overstock. i also read somewhere about someone who talks to the produce managers at her local stores, and they will sell her boxes of produce that are not fit for the shelves anymore. she juices them right away and freezes the juice--and gets a HUGE box of produce for $5.

5. i cheat. i have purchased a LOT of bottled juice at my local health food store. in place of "mean green," i drank bottles of lakewood juice's "lean green." i purchase a case at a time (6 bottles) to get a 10% discount, which makes them about $4 a bottle. a bottle plus some edamame or an apple, seeds and nuts will get me through my day, and i can't make a batch of mean green for $4. i also love the r.w. knudsen low sodium very veggie juice. i gently warm it in the microwave and eat it with a spoon like tomato soup. i could never make a juice this good, this easily for $4-$5. buying these bottled juices made my life so much easier. but be careful...i am so sick of "lean green" right now that i can't even force it down. use these to supplement, not as 100% of your juice.

6. i eat. if you've been following along at home, you know that i juiced for 18 days, then went to new york and ate the big apple. and the big thai meal. and the big cupcake. after that i never completely went back to long periods of juice only. but i have learned how to use healthy foods to supplement what i do with juice. except for the 2 weekends when i have completely let myself go, i have lost weight every single week on this modified plan. eating some simple raw foods like edamame, hummus or unsalted roasted sunflower seeds helps to fill me up, meaning i need less juice. sometimes i'll chop up an entire head of iceberg lettuce or a whole bag of baby spinach and mix it with a little bit of olive oil, then drench with red wine vinegar and top with the sunflower seeds. this is a huge meal that contains under 150 calories and costs under $2 to make.

7. i keep in mind what i used to spend on food. it was nothing for me to pick up a fast food lunch 5 days a week. subway cost $8 for a sandwich, sun chips and drink. wendy's was nearly $7 for the salad i loved. taco bell was $5 for the big beefy box. so that was $25-$40 a week just for lunch. not to mention snacks from the machine at work, a mid-afternoon run to mcdonald's for a $3 frappe or mocha. then the weekend would hit and i'd routinely be at dinner with friends, easily spending $30 on a meal, drinks and tip. i really think that on this plan i am probably saving money compared to the way i used to eat.

8. making other sacrifices to afford this diet will save me money in the long run. consider this paragraph from usnews.com: The annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man, according to George Washington University researchers. Being overweight, meanwhile, costs $524 for women and $432 for men. Driving up the price-tag are employee sick days, lost productivity, short-term disability, emergency room care, and even the need for extra gasoline. One reason the costs are higher for a woman? Past research suggests larger women earn less than skinnier women, while men's wages don't vary based on their weight, the study authors say. The report also averages in the economic value of lost life, since obesity can lead to earlier death—which brings the annual costs up further to $8,365 for women and $6,518 for men. 

did you hear that, ladies? our fatness is reflected in our wages! fat dudes can still get good jobs and hot chicks if they are smart and have decent personalities (or decent bank accounts). but fat chicks, no matter how smart or personable, just have a tougher time getting ahead. 


9. juice in-season. different fruits and vegetables fluctuate in cost depending on your geographic location. find out what's nearby and in season, then plan your juices around that quarterly. when i started juicing i could get cantaloupes bigger than my head for $1.50. now if i can find them at all they are small, hard, and $3-$4.

10. i don't have another tip, but who could leave a list at only 9 items? i guess i'd just say to try making a list of the things you spend money on, and see where you can cut back for awhile. if you smoke, now is a great time to quit and use that money for your health. if you buy coffee every day, pick up a box of herbal tea and drink that instead. as for me, i make my warm lemon water my morning beverage. if you drink alcohol, cut that out while juicing for obvious reasons. manis? pedis? unplanned shopping trips? top of the line shampoos and perfumes? food, clothes and shelter for your kids? ok, you can't skimp on that stuff. but just keep in mind that your life is worth splurging on.

i have read that the cost of juicing runs most people an average of $14 per day. that amounts to $840 in 60 days. i'd say i'm doing it for closer to $10 a day. which would be a lot of extra expense if i was still buying all of those lunches and frappes. but for me, it has not really been a hardship. if you can't afford the cost, try doing all juice just 3 days a week, and eating as healthy as possible the other days. this should still give you results.

if anyone has any other tips or questions, please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at cheeserbeezer@gmail.com. good luck, scratch. hope this helps!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

i've crossed the line

last night i visited with a friend i hadn't seen in a few weeks. she kept saying, "i can't believe how much less of you there is!" i know i'm smaller, but i still don't feel like it's that noticeable. but she said, "you have crossed the line now. you used to be an overweight girl who was pretty. now you're a pretty girl with a few pounds to lose." ok, if by a few she means 40-50...but still, today i saw what she meant.

first of all, that picture you see is of size 16 old navy jeans, on my person, buttoned and zipped. do you know how long it's been since i bought a pair of size 16's? long enough that i don't even have them anymore. i gave up on ever being that size again. plus when i WAS that size, it was such a brief time that i probably only had 2 pairs of jeans anyway. now in the interest of full disclosure, these 16's definitely muffin-top me, and i won't be wearing them in public anytime soon. they are my new "inspiration" jeans, since all of my old inspiration jeans fit again. plus they were on sale for $17 and i figured i should snag them now before they're $30 again.

as i shopped today, i felt different. when i'd see my reflection in a store window or in the fitting room mirror, i didn't want to cry. instead of seeing how far i have to go, i could see how far i have come. when i was looking through the racks of clothes, i didn't feel like people were looking at me thinking, "do they even sell her size here? she must be shopping for a gift for someone else." i even tried on a coat at old navy that was too big, and they didn't have the next size down so i couldn't get it. really can't tell you the last time i couldn't buy something because they didn't have it one size SMALLER.

i took this picture of me in the fitting room. like i said, the jeans are the highway to muffin top city. but other than that, i don't hate the body in this picture. this girl looks kinda normal. and i can see the potential here when another 25 pounds come off. that will be life changing stuff...and bank account depleting stuff, because i don't know how i'll be able to stop myself from buying every single cute thing that fits me.

today is the reason why i didn't eat the 6 day old pizza. and it's the reason why i got out of bed this morning at 7:30 and worked out at the gym for 90 minutes. i actually had some pizza last night. brand new, hot, delicious pizza. 2 small pieces. and after i got home from the gym this morning, i weighed less than i did yesterday. that is how you eat pizza...occasionally and in a small helping. then you exercise it away. emotionally i am HAPPY that i had that pizza last night. but imagine how i would have felt if i'd finished that box of gross leftover pizza just because i was sad and bored.

so this is me on september 5th, two days before i started my reboot. this was the day i ate a milkshake, mexican for lunch, japanese for dinner and a blizzard to top it off. i remember thinking i looked really pretty that day. then i saw this picture on facebook and almost cried. now i'm so thankful this picture is there because i have something to remind me of why i'm doing this.

i had every intention of writing a blog last night, but got too sleepy. the subject was going to be how i found out "mcrib is BACK" at mcdonald's and how they have peppermint mochas and pumpkin pies are 2 for $1, and how hard this would make my life. but today....i don't care. if i want a mcrib, i'll have one, not three. not with fries and a shake. but i probably won't have one because it can't possibly taste as good as it felt to come home with a pair of size 16 jeans today. look out, 14's...i'm coming for you next.

now if i could only find a store with an iphone 4s in stock, this would be the best day ever.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

STEP#5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

this leftover pizza (not mine) is in the refrigerator, and it's all i can think about. what the hell is my problem? it's SIX days old. it can't even be good anymore! but there's a little demon in my brain saying, "go eat it...eat it all, eat it in the darkness while everyone is sleeping and it will be our secret. say you threw it away and they will never know." i swear i need an AA type sponsor, i'm a fricking addict. so this blog post is my step #5, admitting to God, to myself and to my blog readers that i am a big fat idiot. i want this nasty, dried up, grease-laden pizza in my belly. and i want to wash it down with ice cream and doritos. and then to be entirely honest, i want to stick my finger down my throat and throw it all up, because i want to eat it but i don't want it to count. sigh.

but i won't do any of that. i just had a few pistachios to shut my stomach up. i had some tomato juice today and some carrot juice. some soybeans and some black beans. a few pita chips, an apple. it's a mixed bag for me right now. i really want to do a week of all juice, but it just got so....gross. and it's a LOT of work to make juice, as most of you know. but my original reason for starting this, the trip to NYC, is only 2 weeks away. if i could juice for a straight week i could probably drop another 7 pounds. but...ugh.

many asked if i had any effects today from last night's pepper disaster. my face and eyes were fine. i opened up new contacts, because i was afraid the pepper would never come off of the ones i had in last night, and i wasn't about to find out the hard way. although based on what i've read tonight, saline would have taken care of it because salt is one of the few things that the oil can bond to. live and learn. i do think i suffered what amounts to a chemical burn on my thumb. whenever i touched something warm today, it felt like it had been burned on a hot stove. when i took a hot bath tonight (sore muscles from last night's training session), it KILLED. at least i hope it's from the pepper because webMD says it could be anything from thyroid disease to rabies. wonderful.

i do have to say that even though i'm still about 40-50 pounds from my ultimate goal, i am happy with my progress. tonight i told my mom that since january 2010 i have lost 60 pounds. unfortunately it has been the same 20 pounds 3 different times. this time i HAVE to keep going instead of gaining it back and starting over. this weekend an old friend i haven't seen in almost a year is coming to town and wants to get together. while i wish i was going to be a surprise knockout and a size 8, i'm glad i know that i weigh 7 pounds less than the last time i saw him. hopefully the next time i'll be that size 8. so hear you me, demon. six day old leftover pizza is not the way to get into tiny pants. let's just go to sleep instead.