Tuesday, March 31, 2015

it's all relative.

i woke up this morning with an already-improved attitude. i can't really put into words how much self-loathing i've carried these past several months. so even one day of doing the right thing made me feel stronger, more organized, and in control. my life has literally been a free-for-all with food at the epicenter. each day was kind of a dark, yet exciting world of opportunities for things to eat. would i stop for a milkshake? have some fries? try a new sandwich? get a fancy coffee? now i wake up and know exactly what i'll have, when i'll have it, and how many calories and carbs it will be. there is a lot of peace in that, which i had forgotten.

i got to work this morning, and this basket was the first thing i encountered. a listener of the radio station brings one each year, and it is filled from bottom to top with all of the best candies. no smarties or necco wafers in this basket, no sir. thankfully i still had my "new diet" resolve, so it wasn't too tempting.  i bet if i go back a year i'll find a picture of last year's basket. it seems like i'm always on a diet in april when it shows up.

later in the day, we also had muffins and pizza! sometimes i swear the universe is just working against me.

but i did have one really positive bit of news today. i was certain that i had gained not only the weight i'd lost, but about 10 pounds more. the way i look, the way i feel, the way my clothes fit… but since i felt more in control today, i had the courage to face the scale. i was 11 pounds less than my highest weight in 2013. so in my mind, it was a 20 pound "head start" on where i assumed i was. that was refreshing. that's two months of weight loss i won't have to endure.

a few friends were on my mind who have shared their similar struggles with me through the years. we all have at least 100 pounds to lose. so i've put a group together for the four of us, and we're going to tackle this together.  it will take at least a year, maybe even two. but i resolve to stay together and see each other through to the end, until we've lost a collective 400 pounds. we're going to put up $5 a week with the money going to the biggest loser each month. i am really excited about it, and i think they are too. this simply cannot be done alone. we need supportive people who understand…who challenge us and celebrate us. healthy competition is important as well.

i went back to the gym tonight. what a difference a day makes. i realized the treadmill i had last night had to have been calibrated incorrectly. last night when i tried to do my 5-minute warmup walk at 3mph, i was dying. my legs were on fire, and i had to bump it down to 2.5mph. even at my heaviest, i never struggled with 3mph before. i was so discouraged. i couldn't finish all of my runs, and i couldn't do them anywhere near a pace i could be proud of. but tonight i did all 8 runs with the appropriate amount of ease/struggle, and i know now that the treadmill on the end is not to be messed with. i followed up the cardio with a circuit of weights. and i don't know what is so hard for people to understand regarding the giant sign saying that area is for CIRCUITS ONLY. but ding-dongs are always popping in to use one machine, and always the one i need next.

came home and made my dinner - atkins shrimp pasta primavera and a salad. very satisfying and good. i have to hand it to atkins - their frozen meals are much higher in quality and taste than lean cuisines. i can't even deal with lean cuisine chicken. but atkins uses really quality cuts of meat. and i didn't have one shrimp vein in my meal tonight. you know those are poop chutes, right?

i may have a long road ahead, and today may only be day 2, but i feel like the progress i've made in the past 48 hours is incredible. my mind and body feel so much more at peace. i have hope again. i think i'll even find happiness again. just a few days ago, that seemed impossible. but now i'm in a place where "only" gaining back 70 pounds is a victory. when it comes to weight loss, it's all relative.

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