Monday, December 30, 2013

i'm the worst!

i should be posting this big introspective year in review type of post as we go into the final day of 2013, but i'm too busy and too tired! maybe i'll do that on the 1st. just wanted to let you know i was able to meet both goals for tops! i lost after christmas, therefore getting an elf charm. AND i lost 2.75, exactly what i needed to hit 80 pounds so i'll get that charm next week. I AM STOKED! i lost an perfect average of 10lb per month every month of tops.

not a bad way to end the year.

night, loves.

Saturday, December 28, 2013


i'm waiting for my brother to get to my house to go see a movie, and i was killing time by reading my blogs from the past month. i have learned a couple of things.

1. i need to write even when i feel ashamed and unhappy. that's just as real a part of this process as the success, and people can learn as much (or more) from my failures than my successes, including me.

2. despite my roller coaster and the guilt and bad feelings, i declare the holidays a success.

having written about all of the crap i ate at christmas parties, thanksgiving leftovers, cookie trays, entertaining at my house, christmas eve and day.... i can see that i really indulged in holiday food. but i'm going to make a bold statement here: i don't think i OVER indulged. some would say ANYTHING off the plan is a failure. but here i sit today, december 28th, and i weigh slightly less than i weighed when i woke up thanksgiving morning (166.4 today vs. 166.6 that day). i ate cookies, chips, breads, caramel corn, stuffing, chowder, martinis, creme brulee. cheesy potatoes, candy, clandestine thanksgiving leftovers.... too many things to count. and i ALSO worked my butt off each week to try to reverse the consequences of those decisions. and so here i sit 3 days after christmas, and i weigh less than when the madness began. i didn't make all good decisions, but i didn't make all terrible ones either. for the first time i didn't fall victim to "while i'm being bad, i will be VERY bad."

of course i wish i had lost 10 pounds this month instead of staying the same. but i also got to enjoy the extravagance of the season with my friends and family with no harm done. and now january looms ahead, and i can double down and go at this with the gusto i had pre-thanksgiving. hopefully being at or very close to my 100 pound goal by st. patrick's day. if not by then, then by april 22nd, my one-year anniversary of starting this new lifestyle. i have NEVER lasted a year on a diet before.

thank you for sticking by me and supporting me when i needed it. it has truly taken a village to make this morbidly obese girl only "overweight" in 2013. thank you.

Friday, December 27, 2013


today was a good day. i feel like my old self again. my pre-thanksgiving self. my full-of-willpower self. i've been semi-fat fasting, predominantly with HWC (heavy whipping cream) in coffee. the past two nights i have had some salad with bacon, cheese, almond slivers and dressing. sorry, but this girl needs something to chew! today someone brought two AMAZING looking pizzas to my office. one was a buffalo chicken pizza with blue cheese, celery, cheddar and buffalo sauce. the other was loaded baked potato with potatoes, chives, bacon, cheddar, sour cream and ranch. if i had a good streak going of good behavior and losses, this would have been a "three bite rule" occasion. but after christmas, i don't deserve one bite, let alone three. so it bothered me, but it didn't crush me. after work i went to the gym and it felt good. i used to need my ipad or kindle to distract me while i ran so i didn't dwell on the time left. but now i can run and listen to music and just be content in my own head. at one point there were guys on either side of me and all three of us were running, and it felt pretty cool. i didn't feel like the fat girl at the gym, i just felt like one of the people working out at the gym with everyone else. 

i'm back to 166.4. i was 165.8 after tops on monday, so i'm sooooo close to being back to my weigh-in weight. then i just need to lose a bit more by monday night to get that elf charm and finish 2013 with a loss at every single weigh-in. 

my weekend of solitude is starting to fill up a bit. tomorrow evening my girlfriends want to get together. initially we discussed going to someone's house for snacks and beers. "snacks" are my downfall. when we're all around a table laughing and grazing, it's so hard for me. i suggested going out. i can be just as happy with my girls and just drink diet soda. but on sunday i'm going to hang out with a friend i haven't seen over a year, so i really can't be like "come to my house and we won't eat." there's a great asian fusion place around the corner, so i am thinking we can go there and i can have the seared tuna which should be next to nothing, along with some pieces of sashimi. i just looked at the menu and started to get sad about all of the delicious sushi i can't have, so let's talk about that another time. 

tomorrow morning i have band practice, then i want to go to the gym. if i can work out for the next three days, i should have no problem on monday. in fact, maybe if i work out saturday and sunday, i can skip my pre-tops workout of shame!

have a great weekend! 

Thursday, December 26, 2013

wild ride.

well the past four weeks have been a roller coaster. everything was great until the saturday after thanksgiving, and then that whole leftovers thing happened. it's odd to be at a weight i'm willing to discuss on the internet, but here we go. on thanksgiving morning i was 166.6. i had fasted the previous day due to being too busy, so that admittedly was a bit of a "false positive." i think i went up a pound or so, but then on saturday, got into the leftovers. since then i have been back up as high as 170.2 and as low as 165.8. those same 5 pounds... up, down, up, down. last monday i was sick, so i missed tops. this week i woke up on monday at 168.8. i thought there was NO WAY to get down to my previous tops weight of 166.75, so i was set for my first gain. but in a last-ditch effort, i fasted all day, only having heavy whipping cream in my coffee, and i worked out for an hour before weigh-in in a heavy hoodie. got to tops... weighed in at 166! the streak continues.

i did well on tuesday. on wednesday at noon we were dismissed from work, and i went to my parents'
for christmas. i was determined to eat well that day. there's no tradition on christmas eve i couldn't work with. but my mom had these salted peanut butter bars in her fridge, and then came home with a giant tray of treats, and i decided "i'm going to be off my diet from noon on the 24th til midnight on the 25th," and i was! i had some chips and half a bun with my dinner burger, along with a christmas ale. probably ate 5 cookies prior to that. on christmas morning, i dove into this monkey bread. i drank orange juice. at lunch i had cheesy potatoes, baked corn, ham on a bun, another cookie and a piece of ice cream cake. later i ate my three lindor truffles, some chicken salad on a croissant, and some party mix. then the clock struck midnight and i hit reset.

right now i'm hungry, but not miserable. i feel in control. a friend came over to fix something for me and i sent with him a huge tray of cookies i'd been trying to take to my neighbor for 3 days, and a bag filled with party mix, opened boxes of crackers and an opened bag of chocolate covered pretzels. my entertaining is over, thus no excuse to have those in the house. oh, and i dumped in a bowl of mini PB cups. i don't have any social plans over the next few days, so i am going to do some IF (intermittent fasting) and i need to get to the gym. should have gone today, no excuse not to have... but one thing at a time.

getting through today will be the real test of where my head is at. i did look at those cookies once and think "just one more day won't hurt." but i don't want to be in the gym on monday an hour before tops trying to sweat out 3 pounds. i want to be a person who can eat anything she wants a few times a year and get right back on the plan. i failed to prove that to myself on thanksgiving, so christmas is my chance. i can not let that plate of leftovers become "the cookie" from 2011. but everyone SHOULD be able to have a few days a year... particularly thanksgiving, christmas and their birthday... where they can eat whatever they want without guilt and despair. if i can lose 2.75 by monday, i will get my 80 pound charm at january's first meeting. if i lose anything at all, i get a special elf charm for losing after thanksgiving. i didn't weigh today, so i don't yet know how much damage i did. i'll let you know tomorrow what i'm up against. whatever it may be, if i can buckle down, i know i can overcome it by monday.

i hope you had a wonderful and merry christmas. if you went off of your plan, that's ok. just get back on with me now, ok? how nice would it be to start the new year with a week of clean eating already behind you? then you can focus on another resolution.

Friday, December 20, 2013

i'm ok!

just so busy and lazy about writing. but i'm back on track! i'll catch you up soon.

Monday, December 16, 2013

the struggle.

i'm in bad shape, folks. i'll have a good day, or part of a good day, and then i'll do something dumb. and i know it when i'm doing it. it's that weird self-sabotage mode i've been in before. i haven't been able to get back on track steadily since thanksgiving. it wasn't even thanksgiving day that did me in, it was that plate of leftovers 2 days later. that was my first big clandestine "sneak" food, and it got in my head. today i was fine all day, and then i went to my christmas dinner with the band and i got a burger and another guy got a fish sandwich, and we cut each in half and swapped. i didn't take anything off of the bun or scrape off breading. what in the world? actually i was really good yesterday too. so i could have 2 good days behind me now, but instead i'm starting over again tomorrow. i didn't even go to tops tonight. i had time to weigh-in before the party but i couldn't face the gain. i'm up 2 pounds from last week.

the downfall has been cookies. on friday all i ate was cookies, all day. i was fine until i got back to work and we had been delivered a spread that you'd have to see to believe. i'm too tired to upload the pic, but i will try tomorrow. it started with "i'll just have one buckeye," and ended with me bringing home a big platter of them "for my friends to eat saturday" and then i ate them all friday evening and all day saturday. finally tonight i dumped the rest in the trash.

i'm so scared i won't get ahold of myself. anyone who hasn't been in this position would say "just do it. stop eating crap. do what you've done for the past 8 months, dummy." but i feel like this is happening TO me as much as i'm making the decisions. i feel powerless when i look at these treats.

this saturday is the final 5k until march i believe. that scares me too. with nothing to train for, my motivation to get to the gym gets buried under the snow and ice and 5pm sunset.

so if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom for me, i need it now. it's going to be too late soon.

Monday, December 9, 2013


i'm back! i kind of feel like going to bed instead of writing this, but i owe you one after sticking by me during my bad week. after diligent attention to every morsel i consumed friday, saturday, sunday and today... i had a 2lb loss at tops! HOW is this possible? i don't know. i had that great 5k on saturday, and i ran again on sunday. but somehow i managed to get back to last monday's weight, and drop 2 more. one thing i can say about keto... if you do cheat, you balloon up overnight. BUT you can take it off quickly if you get right back with it. if you're like me, cheating is a dangerous and slippery slope, so i don't recommend going off plan too often. but if you do, do not let yourself get into that mindset of "well while i'm 'off the wagon,' i will just have this peppermint mocha and a pizza and some french fries."

anyway, you don't even know what i DID last week. it started tuesday when i went to dinner with friends. i got there early and was two martinis to the wind when they arrived. i proceeded to soak up the vodka with 2 huge pieces of grilled garlic bread and a bowl of clam chowder loaded with potatoes. in the car on the way home i had half of a dark chocolate bar and a handful of chex mix.

so this is what i mean when i said not to let one slip turn into what i so eloquently call "the fuck its." i could have recovered from that night in a day or two. but i was having a small christmas dinner at my house wednesday, which is why chocolate and chex mix were in my car. i'd been to the store for little treats to set around the house in my cute snowman bowls. ever the entertainer, i didn't want to force my keto-ness on anyone else. so i had fancy party crackers, white chocolate peppermint covered pretzels, party mix (OBVIOUSLY with garlic ryes, my fave), and then had various cheese, nuts and the dark chocolates. i served a chicken salad and stuffed mushroom caps for dinner. so as you can see, plenty of options for my own lifestyle, but did i stick to it? hell no. OH, i nearly forgot the caramel corn mixed with some pieces that are covered in chocolate. and the fudge wafer rolls to go with the coffee (editor's note: you can throw one helluva fancy party on a shoestring budget by shopping at aldi). anyway, i helped myself to a few fancy party snacks. not a TON, but a few more than necessary. still, thursday could have been the turnaround day. but what did i do on thursday? i went to a christmas open house after work where they had plenty of cheese and trail bologna, and had some of that along with pumpernickel bread and dip, crackers, and some snickers dip on pretzels. then i came home with a very, VERY serious case of the F-its, and had a giant bowl of party mix and caramel/chocolate popcorn for dinner. and when that was gone, i went back and got some more. and finally my stomach hurt badly enough for me to feel sufficiently like i'd gone past the point of no return. i was certain i weighed 250 pounds all over again.

friday morning i faced the scale. four pounds. so began the diligence that i practiced through the weekend. i had dinner out with my mom friday and had salmon and salad. saturday i skipped all post-5k snacks and hot chocolate. that night i went to a christmas dinner at the mexican restaurant where i passed on chips and salsa, and had a chicken breast with cheese and mushrooms and some sour cream. sunday i declined breakfast out with my parents after church in favor of some tuna and lots of mayo. i went for a run in frigid temps, in the dark, on the snowy icy trail... and that's when i felt like i got myself back. i could hear the crunch of snow under my feet and see my breath almost freezing in the air. the park is filled with christmas lights, so cars were driving by slowly looking at them behind me. i imagined the occupants saying, "wow, that's dedication to run in the snow and ice on a cold night like this." this, a day after running my fastest 5k ever at 36:48. i'm inching ever-closer to that very elusive 30 minute mark. but there was a time when i ran a 46 minute 5k, so i'm really starting to believe anything is possible.

i agonized all day today about yet another christmas party, this time at bravo italian cuisine. first of all, they don't have nutrition info on their website, which i think is a crock of poopies. so based on the info i had in the descriptions, it seemed that my only real choice was half of a roasted chicken that comes with broccoli and sweet potatoes. i subbed more broccoli for the potatoes and ended up loving my meal. at the end, everyone was getting dessert. which was funny, because it was the TOPS group. but they had this little 3-dessert sampler tray, and it had creme brûlée, a fudge brownie sundae and lava cake in it. three of us split the tray, and i had the creme brûlée, which amounted to about 2 large bites. it's made mostly of egg yolks and heavy cream, so as far as desserts go, probably not TOO bad. shouldn't have had it at all, but hey... i lost two pounds this week. heh.

preview: tomorrow night, christmas dinner with grandparents. wednesday night, birthday/going away celebration for my friend who is moving to washington state. thursday, my uncle's retirement party. friday, work christmas party. saturday, 5k that wraps up with cookies and hot chocolate. sunday, nephew's birthday celebration and a second work party. monday, christmas party with the band.


Saturday, December 7, 2013

fighting back.

just wanted to give a quick update. i had a rough week. i made bad decisions on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. i felt terrible about myself. but on friday i got back on track, and today i'm down 2 of the 4 pounds i managed to put on. i ran my best 5k time ever this morning in cleveland at an awesome race. and i still have sunday and monday to get below last week's tops weight. won't be easy, but i'm going to try.

exhausted, and frustrated with the ohio state game. so i'll write a full blog sunday or monday. just wanted to say hey... i'm here.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

no blog tonight.

because i have been bad.

i made poor choices, and now i'm pouting.

back tomorrow.

Monday, December 2, 2013

winner winner turkey dinner

well since we've last visited with each other, a lot of things happened.

remember when i said my saving grace this thanksgiving would be not living with my parents where the leftovers are stored? yeah, well i didn't account for spending the night there saturday night. i'd asked my mom to please put the dressing and sweet potato casserole in the freezer before i arrived, but she failed to follow through and i failed to have willpower. i ate two helpings of each before bed saturday night. sunday i ran a 5k, and it went poorly. my time was typical of my recent 5k's, but i struggled the entire time. after the race i had a bite of a hot dog and three christmas cookies from the food they offered.

let me rewind: i lost 3 pounds between monday and thursday morning. you know what i ate on thanksgiving. then i was up about 1.5 pounds on friday. i didn't eat all day until dinner when i had french onion soup without the bread and a chef salad. came home and went a bit crazy with some 13g carb chips. on saturday i was still only up 1.5. didn't eat all day until i went to red lobster that evening where i had a caesar salad without croutons, NO biscuits, shrimp scampi and green beans. BOR-ING. then i went spazz on the leftovers that night. then the cookies on sunday, and that's all i had sunday. so... bad for me. but overall, really not INSANE.

but i was up another 2.5 this morning, meaning i'd lost 3 and gained 4 for the week. and tonight was tops! normally we get a dollar for losing after a holiday, but i had made a suggestion of getting special charms if we lose after thanksgiving and christmas, and i was in charge of buying them. so i KNEW how super cute they were. i really wanted one. so.... i didn't eat today, then i piled on the heavy clothes and went to the gym before tops where i ran my ass off for 40 minutes.

the verdict? '

HOORAY! i was down 1.25lb! and there was more good news. i got that 10 week award i'd stressed about so much 2 weeks ago. and i got biggest loser for november! and i won another contest. so by the end of the night, i had a huge pile of cash and prizes! i was such a happy girl.

after the meeting they talked to me about if i am going to change my goal weight. i'm only 25lb away now. i said i might want to lose another 20 and they freaked out. trust me, that would be well within my height/weight guidelines. if you could see me without clothes on, you'd see that i clearly have more than 25 pounds left to lose. i don't intend to lose 100 pounds and quit and still be overweight! no way!

the other thing i did today was sign up for a warrior dash. lord help me. it's not until august, so that could either motivate me or backfire entirely. plenty of time to train, plenty of time to fall off the wagon. i can't even believe i still don't trust myself more than this.

but speaking of races, look what happened! me and my BFF landed on the front page of today's paper running in yesterday's race!

i don't think i've ever had a candid shot in the paper before, so that was pretty cool. i had so many layers on i looked a little more puffy than i'd prefer, but omg, i can't imagine what that would have looked like 75 pounds ago! and the other great thing at the race was that my name was drawn for a door prize. i'd really been hoping to win a hoodie, hoodies are my FAVORITE! i got called when there was only one left, and it was size medium. i was disappointed. but i held it up and thought maybe it would fit soon. i got home and found out it fits NOW! i also found pajama's i liked at target friday, and they had an XL and a medium, but no L. i took the XL and the medium to the fitting room...and the medium was the winner! i also tried on a pair of their size 12 skinny jeans and i almost bought them because they fit pretty darn well. but i'd just bought 2 size 14s two days prior. but i know it won't be long at all until i really need 12's! then next top will be 10. i cannot WAIT to put a size 10 on my body and button and zip it right up!

everyone has been a little quiet lately, so i hope you're all just enjoying the holiday season and not finding too many tempting treats in your mouths. i know i haven't been the best example with some of my choices, but i've worked hard to pay off every bad food choice with exercise, and that is working out great.

it's past my bedtime, so i'll check in tomorrow. i have some size medium pj's to go slip into. :-)