Thursday, December 8, 2011

23 minutes, 2 seconds

today's treat at work was more cookies. the box had the "nutrition" information on it. in this case it should have been called the "lack of nutrition" information. 190 calories in ONE cookie. when i ran on the treadmill later, i kept an eye on the time and the calories burned. it took me 23 minutes and 2 seconds to burn 190 calories. as you are faced with choices about food, ask yourself, "is this cookie worth 23 minutes on the treadmill?" some things are so delicious that the answer might be yes. today, that was not the case.

however, i wasn't perfect. between work and the gym i went to a christmas party at the red cross where i'm on the board of directors. they had a really nice appetizer buffet, and i caved a bit. i had 2 crackers with a smidge of 2 types of dip on, a cube of swiss and a cube of cheddar, one slice of trail bologna, one meatball, one tiny bbq wiener, and one boneless chicken wing. it sounds like a lot when i type it out. and it was probably more than the 190 calorie cookie. but it lasted longer and tasted better. i passed up all of the cookies (even the orange drop cookies, oh my gosh), egg rolls, other flavors of wings, and various other nom noms.

followed that up with 30 minutes on the treadmill, then half of a zumba class. my friend who lives 70 minutes away was in town, so we met at subway for dinner, and i left zumba early. at subway i had a salad with all of the veggies, no meat, no cheese, no croutons, no dressing. ummm...yum? not so much.

someone on the reboot fb page mentioned today that she has the "nice" problem of her clothes all being too big. i have been lamenting this issue myself the past few days. i have some really nice new clothes, but it's not a "wardrobe." i feel like i wear the same outfits all of the time. part of the problem is vanity--i have clothes that fit, but they're baggy enough that they add weight. i have 12-15 pairs of jeans and i really only like wearing one of them--the old navy pair i bought that time before they fit. and for as long as i can remember, my winter wardrobe was jeans and hoodies. i LOVE hoodies, i have 20 at least. but now that i feel better about myself, i don't want to dress that way for work. the hoodies are mostly hanging untouched this winter. i'm VERY sad that i bought a goodyear blimp hoodie over the summer in a 2x that is now just unreasonably big. i look like i weigh 250 when i wear it. sadness.

ok, i need to pay closer attention to the stupid browns game now, so....abrupt ending.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

on the second day of christmas my true love gave to me...

five creamsticks, seven doughnuts, a nutty thing and a twisty thing. i'm telling you people, 'tis the season for a food extravaganza in my face every single day. and as you can see, doughnuts were only the beginning of the problems. there were brownies, amish chocolate chip cookies, and christmas cookies. of course i didn't eat any of it, but i would have loved to tear up one of those pink creamsticks and a chocolate iced doughnut.

instead i had lunch with a friend and had a salad of romaine lettuce with cucumber, tomato, red onion, and carrots. i had a little feta cheese on it and greek dressing, with a side of hummus.

tonight i made gingerbread houses (sort of) and decorated gingerbread men with my family. i wouldn't have eaten the cookie parts anyway, but i would have gladly gobbled some of the candy decorations. i was careful not to even lick icing from my fingers though.

my day started with a boost of power to help me through all of this: i was down another 2 pounds. that's 5 pounds in 2 days. so now i weigh a pound less than i did on thanksgiving. i'm only 7 pounds away from my next small goal, and i think it would kick ass to LOSE weight this month. there are some tough obstacles coming up, but i'll just do the best i can. i'm really happy tonight knowing that my thanksgiving binge debt has already been paid, and i'm on my way back down.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


what has two thumbs and didn't touch a single cookie on this tray at work today? THIS GIRL! before you pat me on the back, i have to admit something. this group brings us a giant cookie tray every year, and every year we marvel at how much they suck at cookie baking. i do not know how a group of people can suck the flavor out of so many types of cookies, yet make them look so good, year after year. so when a co-worker confirmed that they were just as terrible this year as every other year, it made my day easier. i guess the victory comes in the fact that in years past, i would stand by the tray taking one bite of cookie after cookie, looking for one that tasted LEAST picking the hershey kisses off of the shitty peanut butter blossoms before i threw the scraps into the trash.

the real victory came when i didn't eat any of the white chocolate chip cheesecake brownies that evil betty crocker lady jessica brought in today. THOSE i know are ridiculously amazing. luckily everyone else knows too, and they disappeared quickly.

i did eat a single serving package of tuna today. i am starting to experiment with adding certain foods, combining certain foods. i read various websites that suggested combining fruit with protein for people with insulin resistance, which i exhibit all signs of. i never intended to be completely vegetarian, but i will severely limit my animal protein, focusing mostly on small amounts of fish and some lean white meats occasionally.

anyway, i mixed some kimchi (korean spicy marinated cabbage) in with the tuna, along with some spicy die for. i had a pear with it, and i felt great after that meal. totally full and content, and a few hours later i kicked ass at the gym with that as my fuel.

i didn't run before zumba, which made me MUCH more productive in zumba. so instead of yoga, i hit the treadmill after class and went back to week 1 of couch-to-5k, only i am doing it at 6mph this time. my goal is to run a 10 minute mile on saturday, january 7th. if i follow the c25k schedule and manage to get through each week with no repeats, that is the day the program will first call for 10+ minutes of running. in fact, it will be a 20 minute run. so if i reach my goal, i'll run 2 miles that day in those 20 minutes. we will see.

anyway, i worked up a sweat, burned off some calories. and speaking of burning things off... when i weighed myself today i was down 3.2 pounds from yesterday. ONE day of eating right, exercising hard, drinking my tea and drinking lots of water---and i dropped almost all that i had reported gaining in last night's blog. whew. and today i saw a friend of my sister's i hadn't seen in a long time. the first thing she said was "wow, you look great!" she commented a couple of times. so that was nice.

i guess those are all of the boring details of my day. right now i need to focus on clearing a few shows from my DVR box so i can THROW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW OF TIME WARNER CABLE by week's end. it refuses to record any showing of the young and the restless--either on CBS or the soap network--and i simply can't live in these conditions. plus tonight it screwed me out of "new girl," and the recording log says "deleted to make room for a new recording." YOU'RE ONLY 3% FULL, DVR A-HOLE! sorry, little rant there. carry on.

Monday, December 5, 2011

so boring.

i feel like i've run out of things to tell you. now that i'm not on all juice, it's kind of can i benefit these readers? i guess i'll just keep telling you about my food and exercise and if you care, great. if you don't, you don't.

today i finally weighed myself for the first time since thanksgiving. not good. up 4 pounds in 2 weeks. yikes. so today i was very serious with my eating. no meat, no dairy. just a couple of pita chips, otherwise no wheat. i need to get back to all natural, or MORE natural, whole foods. i had edamame, organic pea soup, a couple of pita chips, hummus, and cucumber. i wanted to go to my nephews' basketball game tonight, but instead i went to a zumba class at the hospital and worked up a sweat. i think at this point my goal is to finish the year at least at the weight i was on thanksgiving morning. i can play with these 4 pounds, but if i can go into 2012 without them, then i won't have gained any weight over the holidays--technically. then january begins the quest to drop another 30 pounds. i think i'll start the new year with a week or two of just juice. it would be impossible for the rest of this month--too much going on. but 2012 is going to be the year i finally fix this problem once and for all.

thanks for listening.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

sorry, sorry, sorry!

i have been such a slacker! i was just tired this past week. i THOUGHT about blogging, but i felt like i didn't have anything exciting enough to report. but then my mom yelled at me tonight for not writing, so here you be.

my eating was up and down all week. i did ok monday-friday for the most part, until friday night. i met friends at a bar/restaurant and had 2 big great lakes christmas ales (if you don't have this in your region, i am sorry for your loss). i also had a salad with chicken and blue cheese on it, delish. and a cup of french onion soup--cheese and everything. saturday, same deal--i ate what i wanted, and what i wanted was crap.

me and kristy finished another one together
today i met a friend for breakfast at bob evans where i had 2 slices of wheat toast with peanut butter, and yogurt with blueberries and bananas. because....i had a 5k at 1:00pm. i was more nervous about this one than the last. my training didn't go well this week, and my eating was SO crappy yesterday. plus i just have never fully recovered from that cold i just gets a little better or a little worse. and yesterday and today my throat was hurting, i was sniffling. but somehow i pulled out some stamina from somewhere, and i finished the race in 39:18--my personal record. i've always wanted to do one in less than 40 minutes. my first mile was 11:25, a total record for me. my time today is a full 3minute improvement over my time in this race a year ago. and 5 minutes better than last year's turkey trot time. if i can make myself keep up with my running, i should be able to improve a lot more in a lot less time. it's just SO boring to run when there's not a race coming up, so i need to find out who is having one, and when.

the thing about 5k's is that it's hard to find out the info i really need to know. basically--is this the kind of 5k that is friendly to slow runners, or is it a runner's race? after doing several 5k's last year that had 200-500 participants, including lots of walkers, joggers, etc...i showed up for one in the middle of summer that had about 35 people. there were 32 elite runners. 2 normal runners. and me, who had slacked hard on training. i panicked. in the first mile i was the very last person, WAY behind the second to last person, with the ambulance slowly following beside me making sure i didn't die. let's just say that that race ended (early) in tears. it was the most humiliating moment of my life.

so anyway...i don't want to show up for some random race in some random town and find out that it's 35 awesomes, and ME. i also don't want to show up for said random race in said random town and find out it's a race filled with hills. i wish the race websites would list as standard info the previous year's number of participants, and the level of intensity of the course. how hard could it be to come up with a standard rating system for this?

i guess the thing is that "real" runners don't care. they'll do hills, they'll run a thousand miles per hour. but i think races with super challenging courses leave out a segment of people who could really enjoy the sport if they weren't so intimidated. we're all beginners at some point.

so tomorrow it's back to the grind with my food. i feel like i'm in limbo--not going entirely crazy, but not being diligent either. this is a slippery slope that i know all too well. i'd really like to drop another 5-9 pounds this month. we shall see.  

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

sometimes you wanna go....

lately i've felt like the gym is like "cheers." somehow all of the front desk people know my name now. and that's kind of cool, because it means i'm there THAT often. and when i started zumba tonight, i realized that i have "zumba friends" now. there are 2 girls in my somewhat age group and somewhat weight group, and i like seeing them, and i like working out near them.

my knee hurts. this concerns me. i don't know if it's from the 5k, from the hard/fast intervals last night, or both. but it made zumba a little touchy, and i know i need to rest it--yet i need to get some training in before the 5k on sunday. stress.

food. well i had mentioned at work how sad i was not to have any turkey for a sandwich after thanksgiving this year, and today a co-worker brought me a turkey sandwich. i thought about it ALL day. i had a small salad for lunch with some hummus, and that's all. so after zumba i came home and ate the turkey sandwich with a little mayo and lettuce on it. so good. then i was still hungry so i had some iceberg lettuce with a lite balsamic dressing and sunflower seeds on it. the funny thing is that for the rest of the evening i felt like i had really "pigged out." but when i read last night's blog again before starting this entry, i realized what pigging out really means.

tis' the season, and work will be one battle after another from now until christmas. i'll win some and lose some. today we received 15 cups of hand-dipped ice cream in various scrumptious flavors. this client does this every 4-6 weeks or so. in my past life it was nothing for me to hoard 3 cups for myself in one day.  so i guess considering my restraint in that area, i should let go of the turkey sandwich guilt and just go to bed.

Monday, November 28, 2011


well that's me there on the right, crossing the finish line with my friends heather and kristy. my 41 minute time blew away my 44:10 from last year, which was my goal. i am running another 5k on sunday, and my hope is to finish at or before 39:59. i really want to see ANY number below 40. tonight i ran 60 second intervals at the gym at 6mph (10 minute mile if you're mathematically challenged like me). my new goal for the new year will be to run a 10 minute mile--even if that's not my pace for an entire 5k. just ONE mile at 10 minutes would really make me happy!

soooo....about thanksgiving. i did great with my eating---from the time i posted my last entry on tuesday night until...oh....about 7:00pm on wednesday. that's when i ate pizza and drank beer while baking a huge guinness chocolate cake with my brother. and since the cake didn't exactly come out of the pan as planned, there were lots of spare cake crumbles that SOMEONE had to eat. you don't just throw away guinness chocolate cake crumbles! who's with me? anyone? anyone?

the next morning i ran the 5k. i truly felt great. there was no point during the race when i wanted to die, which is a major improvement from the other 5k's i've done. last year i only made it a mile before i walked, and this year i made it quite a bit farther. also, as i crossed the finish line last year i was trying to hold in puke. this year, i felt like a million sweaty bucks. run. believe.

so i did what any fitness buff would do and went home and had a piece of the chocolate cake. what??

our thanksgiving meal was at 2:30pm. it's a long story, but it was pretty much a disaster. i have to say that as far as thanksgiving meals go, i didn't do TOO poorly. instead of turkey i had this: roasted butternut squash stuffed with mushrooms, rice pilaf and goat cheese. i barely ate any potatoes or stuffing, mostly because they weren't that good. and no dessert, mostly because the service was so horrible that we gave up after being there for 3 hours and went home before dessert was served.

but then i went to my friend betsy's house and ate 3/4 of a plate of regular thanskgiving foods later that evening. however, i still didn't eat dessert, if that counts for anything.

on friday i met friends for lunch and i had scallops, brown rice, clear soup and 4 pieces of sushi. later i had a pumpkin ice cream cone. then i left ohio for michigan, to see ohio state play michigan on saturday.

that's when i gave up.

we ate combos in the car (my favorite travel snack), along with several of these treats my friend had spent the day making with her family. later in our hotel i had 2 beers along with half a quesadilla and chips & queso. on our way to the stadium in the morning we stopped at burger king where i had tater tots and an egg/cheese/bacon burrito. at the game i had kettle corn, peanuts, and hot apple cider. following the game we went to TGI fridays where i had a chicken, shrimp and cheese skillet, french onion soup and vanilla bean cheesecake. heehaw.

on sunday i figured i might as well throw myself a grand finale. i had some more cake for breakfast. for lunch i had a big mac and fries with a peppermint mocha. then i went to a movie where i had a small popcorn (with butter of course) and later that night, three pieces of french toast.

have you passed out yet? i can't even believe it myself, now that i can see it in print. but i have shared my triumphs, so i figured i owed you honesty regarding my 5 days of complete and total gluttony. but today i had absolutely no problem getting back on my reboot plan. juice, soybeans, hummus, black bean dip, and i burned 300 calories on the treadmill. i don't even WANT to eat junk anymore. yesterday i felt like complete and total garbage. i told my mom if she sliced me open, toxic green sludge would come out of me. that's how the inside of my body felt. not fun.

so i'm going to take the week to work out, eat right, then get on the scale....hopefully it will be back to where it was before i crashed and burned. i'm not too worried about it. i had a good time, i didn't stress, and now i'm back to the program. my jeans still fit this morning, so i figure the damage is minimal. onward and upward.

if you fell off the wagon too, that's ok. just please get back on it with me. you've worked too hard to blow it now at the end of the year. set a new goal and let's go after it together. let me know how you're doing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


i have nothing to say! today was a normal day. some trail bologna and cheese showed up at work around 4:00 with some turkey cut out cookies, and i did eat 2 bites of cheese. otherwise, uneventful. after work i went to zumba and yoga. i got a YMCA gym bag for finishing the training for the 5k on thursday, which was awesome.

when i got home i was STARVING. i had some hummus on fiber crisps. when i ran out of crisps, i started spreading it on iceberg lettuce with sunflower seeds and rolling it up like a little eggroll. then i had a pear. before coming to my bedroom i did have a small slice of my grandpa's homemade bread. i'm chalking it up to carb loading for the race on thursday. heh. it's funny how i feel like i totally pigged out when i got home from the gym. but now reading what i doesn't sound so bad. considering there are cupcakes, reese's cups, cheese and trail and other delicacies in the kitchen!

good luck dieters....thursday doesn't have to be a reason to get sidetracked permanently. if you eat, enjoy it! but then we all have to get back with it! pinky swear.

Monday, November 21, 2011

run. believe.

a week ago i was in a bad place. it was the morning after my pizza and cupcake binge. i felt so humiliated, defeated. then a package arrived from my friend katelyn. when i got to work i carefully removed all of the beautiful wrapping, and inside i found this amazing handmade necklace with medallions that say "run. believe." katelyn is who inspired me to try C25K in the first place a year ago. she believes in me. and this birthday gift came on the PERFECT day. i was going to wear it that night when i ran, but i was in the midst of my cold, so i didn't run. i decided instead to save it for the 5k on thanksgiving day.

as you know, i've been training hard, but i've felt like i started too late to be very impressive in the 5k. then last night i failed when i tried to run. i ended up at old navy instead of accomplishing anything worthwhile at the gym. but tonight....tonight was different.

the first 10 minutes were awful. then somehow i got it in my head that i only had 10 more minutes to go to 25. then at some point i realized i actually had 15. argh. but i made it through 10. then 20. then 30. and i kept going, and i kept going. when i hit 2.75 miles i thought "just make it to 3 miles. prove you can do it." and when i got to 3, i kept going to 3.10. i ran for 39 minutes without any walking....3.1 miles. a 5k. and within 5 minutes after finishing, my heart rate was in a good place, i didn't feel pukey, nothing on my body hurt--and it still doesn't.

katelyn believed in me, and it renewed my belief in myself. and tonight i used that belief to run and run and keep on running. a week ago sally told me she thought i could run the whole 5k and i said NO WAY. i told her i could only barely run 2 miles, there was no way i could add a mile in a week. i'm sorry, sally!

i still doubt i can run the entire 5k on thursday. only because i have been training indoors on a treadmill with no incline, and there's a decent hill on the 5k route, and i also won't be able to really monitor my speed. but i know i can run for a lot longer than i could last year at this time.

so now i'm pumped. bring it on, turkey trot! i'll be wearing my necklace, i'll be running, and i'll be believing.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


i stand before you a broken girl. broken, but not defeated.

it began on friday at the slumber party. i didn't eat too much food, but what i did eat was bad. i had some buffalo chicken dip, crackers, tortilla chips, celery (yay!) and a slice of pumpkin roll. i did pass on the beer and wine, however.

saturday we had thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family at an amish restaurant. it was family style chicken, roast beef, potatoes, noodles, stuffing and so on. instead of that i made a salad at the salad bar. i had 2 bites of my peanut butter pie and took the rest home. still not terrible, right?

well the band played that evening and the bar bought us pizza from the same place that i wrote about last sunday. i had 3 pieces. small, but still. then they started bringing us free alcohol by the truckload. i had 2 bottles of yuengling light and 2 shots of something that had orange juice and grenadine in it. then i topped that off with a 24oz bud light. as we loaded the truck after the show, the leftover pizza appeared and i had another piece. at this point i was officially out of control. the band went to denny's and i didn't even THINK about making a good choice. i had the pumpkin pancake slam - 2 pumpkin pancakes with whipped pumpkin topping, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 pieces of wheat toast with butter. i ate it all except half of the pancakes and a bit of hashbrowns. you're probably thinking this is the end of the evening but no....around 4am i got the rest of my peanut butter pie from the kitchen and ate that too.


i stayed in bed until 2pm today. i have been spending my nights coughing my head off, thus not really sleeping. i finally got up and showered to clear my lungs a bit, then i went to the gym. i felt groggy, out of it. i started my run and it was bad from the start. every single minute felt excruciating. and for some reason it was 100,000 degrees in the Y and i was sweating like i was in a sauna. i kept telling myself to keep going, but after only about 20 minutes of jogging, i gave up.

after the gym i went to spend my old navy cash, then i picked up some of that vegetarian chili i'd had monday. i ate that with some fiber crackers and hummus, and i had a pear. so i'm somewhat back on track today, but i don't even want to think about the calories i inhaled yesterday. add to that today's spoiled run, my endless coughing fits, and the 5k is in 4 days... i'm a little stressed.

the good news is that i don't feel out of control anymore. i'm ready to eat healthy again, i'm not thinking about things i should eat while i'm going crazy. but we all know how many days it takes to pay for a day of bad choices.

i have to have my old hard drive transferred to the computer i'm using now if i don't write tomorrow night, it's not because i'm at an all you can eat lard buffet---i'm just without a laptop.

tomorrow is a new week, a new day. i HAVE to be perfect until thursday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

hummus in muh tummus

i have stayed up way too late considering the fact that i have to wake up at 6am. i am so swamped at work that i really need to be there about 3 hours early tomorrow. so this will be a quick one.

morning - got on the scale and was down a pound. score. that makes 32.3 pounds lost since september 7th.

afternoon - i had lunch with a friend at the coffee shop. i got the "hummus plate" which is hummus, pita bread, cucumbers, onions and sprouts. i ordered it minus bread, onions and i was left with a bowl of hummus and the big dumb dummy in the kitchen didn't see fit to give me extra cucumber since i went without everything else. so i put most of the hummus on my side salad that i ordered with no bread, no cheese, dressing on the side. the no bread part on both items made me sad. but it was good otherwise.

evening - this week is supposed to be a day of running 5 minutes, walking 3, running 8, walking 3, running 5....then a day of running two 10 minute intervals, then a day of running for 25 minutes. well i don't have time to eff around, so i just went for 25 minutes and i made it. on sunday i will try to run for 30. tuesday i'll go for 35. thursday is the 5k and i'll try to run the whole thing, but running on the road will be harder than the treadmill, plus wind, cold, a hill... i'm just trying to be realistic and not set a goal for myself that i can't achieve. it won't bother me to not run it all, that hasn't been my intent.

i was worthless in zumba after running. i was the floppy fish again. and now that i'm old, i can't spin in circles without feeling sick. so i do the floppy fish when everyone else is spinning around.

later evening -  i went to the grocery store where i loaded up on hummus and black bean dip that they specially ordered for me. 35 calories! i also dropped an $8 sampler of hummus and got green cilantro hummus all over my hands and various fixtures in the store. keepin' it classy!

even later evening - relaxed in a hot bath filled with pink water and bubbles that smelled like candy, and now i'm tardy for sleeping time.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


well i came here to say, "i don't feel like writing tonight, i'm going to be a slacker." i'm so tired. i barely slept last night. probably a combination of late evening cardio, a late dinner and then the remnants of my cold...combined with the fact that i have the most uncomfortable bed in the history of beds. including, but not limited to, fred flintstone's bed made of a slab of limestone. fact.

but now that i'm here, i might as well catch up.

i had made plans to take a friend out for a birthday dinner tonight. i had to offer up "your choice" and the choice was a place called danny boy's pizza. well i got a look at their menu and panicked. they have chicago style pizza. buffalo chicken nachos. mac and cheese pizza. sandwiches. ribs. pastas. on and on...this is one of those menus where you can't possibly decide what to get because it's all unique and delicious. i made up my mind that i would settle for a stupid salad (and not have it served on cheesy baked bread for an extra $2.00). well then i was saved by fate: danny boy's came off the table and i found myself at a pub instead. i got the soup/salad combo which was a small side salad, no cheese, balsamic vinaigrette on the side, and a huge bowl of vegetarian chili. oh my, was this chili amazing. a meat eater would NEVER know it wasn't real meat. it looked and tasted so real that i kept inspecting it just to be sure i hadn't been duped. it was unreal. my meal was "bottomless" but i was too embarrassed to ask for another bowl even though i would have loved one. i celebrated my dinner victory by treating myself to a tall skinny peppermint mocha at starbucks--only 100 calories, fyi.

last night was a raging success at the Y. it was my first 20 minute run in c25k, and i was nervous. but when my 20 minutes were up, i ran an extra minute just to prove that i could. after that i didn't feel like dying, and i went to zumba. followed that with yoga. expected to lose about 27lb this morning, but the scale didn't move. boo, hiss. although i don't think i've had a chance to tell you---after my sunday binge, i skipped the scale on monday. got on it tuesday expecting a 3-5 pound increase. instead it was down 6/10ths of a pound from friday. still in the 180's. whew!

so i'm having a pretty good week and hope to maintain that through the weekend despite some special events. my band is playing, and they are feeding us pizza from the same place that inspired the sunday binge. argh! i might eat one slice, we will see. but no more than that, if i eat any at all! my girlfriends are having a slumber party friday night that will include lots of snacks and beers. ack.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

boo hiss

My laptop has a serious illness. I'm not into typing a whole entry with my phone, so I'll catch up with y'all tomorrow. Today was a great day! Other than the impending expense of a new laptop.

Monday, November 14, 2011

eat me.

i woke up this morning after a full two hours of sleep. my binge made me feel so gross i was awake almost all night, so i had plenty of time to pep talk myself. i didn't get on the scale. i know it's up, and i'm not prepared to see how much. i need time to bring it down before i face the facts.

before i left for work i took the half pizza +1 slice that was left over, wrote "EAT ME" on the box, and took it to work with me. by noon the vultures had demolished the remaining evidence of my sins. i'm glad it's out of my life now.

i stuck to juice all day, which was fine with my unhappy tummy after the abuse i heaped upon it yesterday. after work i went to a zumba class i hadn't been to before. it was fine, except the jumping and whatnot didn't help my sensitive stomach, and i had to make a run for the bathroom mid-salsa. oh well, another half pound of damage gone. heh.

after class i picked up some essentials at the grocery store. my meal for the day looked far different from last night's meal. this is mango peach salsa, kashi whole grain pita crisps, kalamata olive hummus, unsalted roasted sunflower seeds and red grapes. it tasted good, didn't hurt my belly and didn't make me cry.

tomorrow i will get back to my running program. my original plan was to go do that after zumba, but the continuing gastrointestinal consequences of "THE BINGE" made me reconsider. so i'll hit that before zumba tomorrow, then i'll fully be back on track.

i want to thank the kickass rebooters for their awesome words of encouragement after last night's confession. ya'll made me feel human. i'm back, and ready to put last night behind me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

wrong way on a one way track

if i could set this entry to music, it would be "runaway train" by soul asylum. that's what i have been all weekend, and i finally crashed tonight. this blog entry is the hardest i've had to write since right after my first new york trip. i am ashamed.

it started with my cold. i woke up saturday for zumba feeling like total crap. i could barely talk, my head hurt, my chest was congested. i went back to bed and slept until noon. i spent the rest of the day trying to decide if i could or should go to the gym. i probably could have made it, but i let my cold be my excuse. that night i took my nephew to see a show at the performing arts center and the whole time i thought about taking him to applebee's after the show where we'd get giant chocolate chip cookie ice cream sundaes. i kept thinking "he doesn't know i'm on a diet, he won't know i'm doing wrong." after the show he asked if we could go to dairy queen instead. divine intervention. we went through the drive thru and he got ice cream, i got nothing.

as the night got later, i started to feel worse again. coughing, sneezing, icky. around midnight i made a can of healthy choice chicken noodle soup. not a TERRIBLE choice, but not the best. i had spent the day grazing on things i wouldn't normally eat, like a lean cuisine beans and rice entree and some graham crackers. processed crap. i didn't have any "good food" in the house, and didn't feel like going to the store. around 1am i drank my tea and went to sleep promising myself today would be a better day.

but i spent most of the night coughing, tossing, turning. i slept until noon again and woke up feeling sick, tired, bored, empty and deprived. i could feel the wheels coming off of my diet. i made up my mind that i WOULD go to zumba at 4, even if i didn't feel well. i ate some natural peanut butter on sprouted grain bread to get some energy. then an hour later i had another can of soup and 2 graham crackers. the runaway train was picking up speed.

around 3:30 the devil on my shoulder started speaking more forcefully. he told me i deserved a break. that i was sick and should let myself be lazy. that i'm not on a deadline, that gaining a couple of pounds wouldn't be a big deal in the long run, that i can take them off easily with hard work this week. 4pm zumba time came and went, and i was in my bed watching shallow hal on comedy central. my parents left for the night and i felt like i could really get away with something, because i wouldn't have my mom here to say, "are you sure you want to do this?" the devil took over. i went upstairs and my brother had made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. he told me i wasn't allowed to have one, so i waited for him to leave the room before i stuffed two into my mouth. full steam ahead.

i asked him what he wanted for dinner. i offered to pay for whatever we decided on if he would go get it, already knowing what i wanted. 35 minutes later the train crashed into this:

penso's pizza. my favorite. i can't tell you the last time i had it. august, september. but i can tell you the last time i thought about it: every single day since i started my reboot.

i had three pieces. they were hot, ooey, gooey and delicious. every bite was topped with cheese, olives, onions, mushrooms and guilt. that's right, i couldn't just get lost in the decadence, i felt like i was stabbing myself in the eye with every bite, yet i kept going. and then when my brother went into his room, i aimed the train for a cliff...straight toward the freezer....

for the cupcakes that have been in there waiting for me since september 17th. that's when we had the birthday party for my mom where i went without cupcakes, but froze some for "after" my reboot. i have said no to cupcakes MANY, MANY times since then. but tonight i said yes, yes, yes! literally, i said yes three times. i had a chocolate one, a strawberry one and a carrot one. that's right, i had three cupcakes after three pieces of pizza.

i was miserable. physically and emotionally. i went to hide in my bedroom. my brother came to check on me awhile later and found me guilty and miserable, wanting to die. he told me to stick my finger down my throat and get over it. so...i stuck my finger down my throat, but i'm not over it. what the hell is wrong with me? eat like a pig then put on "a very special episode" of an 80's TV show about bulimia in my bathroom? good lord.

so i think that i have learned a lesson. at least i hope i have. i drank my tea, i packed my gym bag, and i'm ready to get back to my real life tomorrow. i don't care how sick i may be, i WILL be on a treadmill tomorrow. and i think there's a zumba class at the hospital in the evening i can attend, too. i'm so upset with myself. nothing i ate today made me feel better--it in fact made me feel so much worse. it didn't entertain me. it didn't feel like a reward. it felt like i was punishing myself for succeeding. "oh, you're in the 180's now? well i'll fix that! kablam! you're 195 again overnight!"

what is wrong with me??? an asshole.

Friday, November 11, 2011

tropical storm amy

well if a cold is a hurricane, what i have is a tropical storm. inconvenient, uncomfortable, but not full blown evacuation type stuff. i started an IV of zinc, water and vitamin c to help combat it. ok, not really an IV, just a lot of the aforementioned items. i feel worse in the evenings (now) and mornings (zumba starts in 7 hours 54 minutes), so i'm not sure what the weekend will hold.

today was super busy at work and i didn't get to eat lunch until 4:00. i went to the hospital cafeteria across the street from my office and got some vegetable soup and a small salad. i met a friend for dinner at a coffee shop and had a "hummus pizza." it's hummus on a pita with sprouts, onions, tomatoes, black olives and feta. i also had a side salad, but couldn't finish it all. it's funny how little it takes to make me feel stuffed anymore. but i felt guilty eating the pita and croutons...i try not to eat anything but sprouted grain bread, or whole grains at least. although we did discuss how the last time we met for dinner several months ago, it was at red lobster and included cheddar biscuits, all sorts of bad for you dinner choices, and dessert.

hopefully the bread won't be a scale setback, because i fell into a new decade this morning by losing a pound. i need to be able to exercise this weekend to keep that momentum going. tomorrow is supposed to be my first 20 minute run, so i'm off to bed now, which will hopefully downgrade tropical storm amy to cloudy with a chance of showers.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

good news, bad news

i'll start with the bad news first: i think i'm getting sick. i did week 5 day 2 of c25k, then went to zumba. before class started i sneezed and thought, "uh oh." suddenly i felt SO tired. i was good for nothing in zumba after that. i went through the motions but i felt like a fish flopping around out of water. i met a friend after class and my throat started to hurt a little. more in the way of "i've been screaming my head off at a ballgame" than a "sore" feeling, but still not right. now i just feel tired and cruddy. super. i had been hoping all of the juice, veggies, exercise, etc would make me immune. i haven't been sick a day since feburary 4th.

i hope this is not sickness, because i can not lose a single day of training for the turkey trot. it is in exactly 2 weeks. as of today i can run for 16 minutes, but that's not even going to get me through half of the 5k. i know i will have to walk some, as i did last year. i just want to have the same or better time as last year. i will say that when i ran tonight i felt really good. my heart rate stayed in a reasonable place, and dropped quickly when i stopped running. i feel really physically fit from a cardio standpoint. but i know i can't jog 3 miles or anywhere near 3 miles. i wish i had started training a few weeks earlier.

so anyway, the good news. if you're a facebook rebooter, you already know because i couldn't contain myself this morning. on october 22nd i bought jeans at old navy in size 16. i could button and zip them, but they muffin topped me too much to actually wear. i hung them up where i could see them every day. today, not even 3 weeks later, i decided to try them on to see how close i was. they were perfect. buttoned, zipped, no muffin top, totally comfortable all day. when i walked into work wearing my new clothes, a co-worker said, "wow, you look like you belong on the cover of a magazine." i asked if the magazine was hustler. he said no, more like an avon catalog. hmm. odd choice, but i'll take it.

the other good news was that i weighed myself for the first time since monday morning--meaning the first time since my birthday meal at bravo. i was down 2 pounds. that means i lost the pound i gained in new york, plus one. whew. tomorrow, with a little luck, i will fall into a new "decade" on the scale. i REALLY want to lose 5 pounds before the turkey trot, to weigh 25 pounds less than i did last thanksgiving. that alone should help me have a faster time.

ok, i'm rambling. time for tea, then bed early. really hoping to wake up feeling normal.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

i wanna rock and roll all night

sorry i was MIA last night. i went to zumba at 6, then decided to skip yoga so i could do c25k on the treadmill instead. i had left my ipod in the car, and when i went out to get it, my friend called and invited me to the ace frehley concert in cleveland at 10. it's a 90 minute drive, so i bailed on c25k, ran home and showered, then hit the road to rock. by the time i got home, i wasn't feeling very bloggy.

not really feeling very bloggy tonight either, and there isn't much to tell. the birthday dinner didn't throw me off the path. i did week 5 day 1 of c25k tonight and it was pretty great. this is going so much better than it did the first time i used the program, a year ago. but last year i trained entirely outside, and this time i'm on a treadmill. i hope that doesn't complicate things on race day.

eating has been fine. i haven't weighed since monday for various reasons. i will tomorrow morning. hoping it's below my monday weight and not still above following the birthday meal.

and that folks is all i have to say. i wish you well, it's bedtime for little girls!

Monday, November 7, 2011

they say it's my birthday, na na na na na na na-na.

well my mom is cute. when i came upstairs this morning, the kitchen was decorated for me. she's the best.

i started the day on the scale...not TOO bad after the NYC weekend. it was up one pound from friday. i can live with that. i still don't think it's fair, and i maintain that i didn't consume 3000 excess calories, but whatever.

one of my besties wanted to take me to the japanese restaurant for lunch. instead of sushi i had edamame and seaweed salad, in an attempt to conserve calories for whatever would come later in the day. i have been stressing about my birthday food for quite awhile. normally my mom will make me something i love, like meatloaf and homemade mac and cheese. i had also asked for a pumpkin roll. but along the way i told her to forget it, i didn't want to blow my diet over a birthday. we made plans to do SOMETHING tonight, but i just couldn't decide what i wanted to do. i was so determined that i shouldn't eat anything heavy.

then i got to work and opened my email. all of the corporate lists i've signed up for were on the ball. 200 bonus speedy points at the gas station....$3 extra care bucks at CVS...a dollar off a combo at wendy's (seriously wendy's? not even a free frosty? you cheap bastards!). but the best deal of all was an entire free meal from bravo cucina itlaliana. it's a favorite of mine, and it's in the city where we had planned to do some shopping anyway. so i leaned toward that for awhile. then i thought if i was going to blow it, maybe i should take advantage of endless shrimp (i call it shrimtoberfest) at red lobster. i went back and forth all day...and side to side too, since i had 3 options:

1. red lobster
2. bravo
3. veggies and water

finally at the end of the day i got on and checked out the nutrition info. i added up the calories of everything i intended to eat, and it came out to nearly 3,000. argh. bravo didn't list calories, but i was sure i could do better there. so that's where we ended up. AFTER a super fun trip to old navy where i bought cute clothes in respectable sizes that i think look pretty good. all at 30% off, suckas!

anyway, at bravo i did not order a salad with my meal, because the creamy parmesan dressing sounded dangerous. i only had one piece of bread dipped in olive oil, and for my entree i picked the rosemary grilled shrimp. it's jumbo shrimp marinated in rosemary and garlic, served on orzo and grain sautee, with spinach, artichoke, basil, kalamata olives, garbanzo beans, tomato and feta, with a spicy caper vinaigrette.  it was so delicious, and i enjoyed every bite. i just now fired off an email to corporate thanking them for the nice meal/experience, but expressing my displeasure in the fact that they don't provide their nutrition information online.

since i'd had what i felt was a sensible meal, i decided to share a dessert with my mom and brother. we decided on the sampler of tiramisu, chocolate chip bread pudding with vanilla bean gelato on top, and chocolate lava cake, also topped with gelato. it was three tiny, perfect portions for sharing. i had about 2 bites of each item and cherished them. i had taken a picture of my meal for my blog readers, and said in the interest of full disclosure, i owed you a picture of the dessert, too.

so it was a pretty, pretty, pretty good birthday. my mom really took good care of me, and my brother even bought me a kickass water bottle for the gym that has a filter right in it so i can stop buying bottled water and killing the environment. i'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow. i drank my tea tonight, and i'll go to the gym for a couple of hours after work tomorrow. on wednesday i'll see what the residual damage is and go from there. i celebrated this birthday 29 pounds lighter than i was just 2 months ago. if i gained a couple back, so be it. i enjoyed it. i'll take them off, and then 10 more...and keep on truckin'.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

these streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you

well folks, i'm back. and not much worse for the wear, probably.

i started out friday morning on the scale. i fell just about half a pound short of my 30 pound goal, but i was pretty happy with that. i worked hard for those 29.5 pounds, and i felt good when i left home. good enough that 5 minutes into the trip when the bass player pulled out a dozen pumpkin cookies, i wasn't even tempted. the good thing about traveling with 4 boys is that the entire dozen was demolished 90 minutes into the trip.

the drive to new york went pretty well. i had my well-stocked lunchbox, and i snacked on grapes in the morning while they ate cookies. we stopped at mcdonald's for lunch. i ate my hummus and guac on pita chips and cucumbers. later in the car i had more hummus on celery. the trip went quickly. we sang, watched movies, fought about politics, the usual. this is rick, the guitar player, practicing in the car.

once we got into NY things got dicey. chris' GPS was not kind to us and took us the most asinine route possible...RIGHT through midtown manhattan. the boys were not pleased, but i was secretly pumped to get ride through the concrete jungle. personally i don't feel like the traffic was that bad considering it was a friday at 5pm. and then once we got on the other side of the city, i got to see the sun setting as the backdrop to the skyline, and it made my heart sing. 

when we got to the venue, they wanted to feed us. i was starving by this point. i maybe could have made a slightly better selection by getting a salad, but i didn't do too poorly. the burgers looked amazing, but i had a crispy flatbread topped with olive oil, sea salt, goat cheese (my fave), grilled mushrooms and asparagus. i ate every bite. and i had one of chris' sweet potato fries. no dessert.

the show itself was pretty kickass. but since we had been up since 5am, we were more than ready to get back to the hotel and crash. i almost ended up having to make a terrible pizza decision, but the last delivery was at 2am and we had missed the deadline. i finished my guac in my room and went to bed. the hotel and my room were both pretty sweet. the advantage of being the only girl with the band is that i always get my own room.

we got up about 5 hours later, showered and prepared to hit the road. our hotel was on the beach, so first we went outside to take a few photos.
it was such a gorgeous (although cold) morning. there were even about a dozen surfers in the water.

and birds playing in the sand...
this was our hotel, it was called the allegria. where bottled water is $8 and there are no vending machines. but room service will bring you a cheeseburger for $18.

and here are my dysfunctional family, otherwise known as ONE. they were hungry (so was i) after the beach photos, so we landed at an IHOP. the pumpkin pancakes were calling my name, but i opted for the "fit and fresh" veggie egg substitute omelet with a fruit cup instead.

several hours later we were starving again and someone asked to stop at taco bell.
i rolled my eyes. chris said, "you won't eat there, will you?" he's the same kind soul who felt badly about eating the triple beef boat in front of me last week. i said i wouldn't, but not to let that stop them. so then we passed a chinese buffet and their eyes lit up. i agreed that i would make this my "special meal." they wanted to buy me a meal for my birthday. so i wasn't "good" there. but i've done more damage at a chinese buffet in the past. i had hot and sour soup, then a plate of various small bites of other things. i crammed about 6 cheese wontons down my throat, then finished up with a small bowl of chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

the rest of the drive home was uneventful. i was entertained for hours by the setting sun and beautiful sky. we didn't stop again after the buffet, so there were no more decisions to make. when i got home i had about 3 bites of buffalo dip my sister had made, and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. my final treats before getting back with the program. today i took it easy on food, training my tummy to shrink back to where it was. i went to zumba, then followed that with 30 minutes of c25k walk/run intervals. my fitness level has improved from last week. the first day i did my week 4 program my heart rate was at 178 after my 5 minute run. today it was only 164. getting better all the time.

tomorrow is my birthday, and i desperately want to use it as an excuse to eat many, many delicious things. but i am going to try my best not to let it derail my progress. i'll be very interested to see what the scale says tomorrow after my weekend. if it's bad news it will make behaving much, much harder.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

happy goal eve

well folks, tomorrow is the big day. i'll wake up, get on the scale, then get ready to leave for NYC at 8am. this trip is the whole reason i decided to start a diet. and fat, sick and nearly dead is the reason why i picked this particular plan.

this morning the scale was still on the same number as monday. seeing the same number 4 days in a row is tough.

yesterday i posted the same pics you saw here on my facebook page and said, "what i wouldn't give for someone to bring an apple into this joint just once." so my friend brian brought me these two beauties.

tonight was my "last chance workout" at the Y. my friend sally is a fitness instructor, so she started my day with a text telling me she was going to be my jillian michaels tonight. she kept me working hard in zumba, then she sent me into the gym to get some more cardio. her daughter worked out next to me, and sally stood in front of me like jillian telling me to run, to sweat, to push harder, to get these two pounds off of the scale tomorrow morning. i was tired, but it was great.

i came home and started to get organized for the trip. i decided to pack some food to take on the road tomorrow so i won't be forced to eat at whatever fast food places the guys decide to stop at. in my lunchbox i have grapes, cucumber, celery, kalamata olive hummus and homemade guacamole. i'm also taking a banana, my apples, dried edamame and pita chips. that should be enough to see me through the 8 hour drive, and then some.

so i won't be writing a missive tomorrow night, i'll be rockin' out NYC style. but sunday night i'll let you know if i met my 30 pound goal, and how i did in NYC. hopefully better than last time, from a nutrition standpoint. NO cupcakes!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


it started with cookies. 
every wednesday we have this horrid staff meeting that steals souls with its pointlessness and absurdity. today my boss attempted to make it nicer with gigantic, soft, chewy, chocolate chip cookies from the amish bakery. i was slightly concerned, but after the meeting i had my warm lemon water, then pounded 16oz of green juice. that filled up my belly and i thought, "i've totally got this." the cookies looked good, but i was satisfied by smelling and looking at them. but then the real trouble started.

with a cream cheese layer on top. 
with brownies crumbled on top of that. 
that's right folks. brownies topped with brownies.

these were courtesy of the same girl who brought in the white chocolate chip cheesecakes on monday. you may remember her as evil betty crocker devil woman.

that's when things started to fall apart in my head. this morning the scale stayed on the same number it has been on since monday morning. if i had been on a weight loss high, i think i would have been ok. but i was on a plateau low. it's pretty clear now that i will not hit 30 pounds by friday morning, and i'm pretty disappointed. i'm not pish-poshing the 27.7, but i just REALLY wanted to hit that 30 pound mark.

so i decided the only thing i could do was get out of the building. i invited a friend to lunch at subway. i figured i deserved to eat a meal after walking away from the baked goodness, and i knew i could have a big salad with red wine vinegar at subway for barely any calories. so i had a really nice, fun lunch, and came back to work feeling pretty good about things. i figured by that time they would have demolished the baked goods.

but they hadn't, for they had been distracted from the brownies and

pizza and chicken strips. along with dipping sauces of every flavor. and as i put it on the reboot facebook page, "i am a slut for condiments." it's not unusual for me to find tiny bottles of ketchup, mustard and mayo in my christmas stocking. so chicken strips alone would have been one thing. but chicken strips with buffalo sauce, honey mustard, bbq sauce, garlic sauce, cheese sauce and pizza sauce? oh HELL no! and i'm not a fan of pizza meats, but of course this happened to be a garden veggie works pizza. sigh.

after consulting the papa john's website, i found out i could have one chicken strip for 65 calories and 2.5g of fat. and so i had one. and then i had a 1" x 1" bite of brownie. it was divine.

and then i felt better.

in situations like this, i like to think about what i would have done if i wasn't rebooting. i would have started the day with a giant chocolate chip cookie. 206 calories. then the brownies would have shown up, and i probably would have had 3 during the day. 470 calories. then i would have had at least 4 chicken strips (260 calories) dipped in honey mustard (75) and buffalo (30) and 2 slices of pizza. 560 calories.

i would have consumed 1,601 calories at work today. then i wouldn't have gone to the gym, i would have come home for dinner. and guess what my family had by day's end, i probably would have had around 3,000 calories and no exercise.

instead i had juice, a large salad with tons of veggies, a chicken strip and a bite of brownie, an apple, fresh homemade guacamole, peach mango salsa, kalamata olive hummus, cucumber slices and whole grain pita chips...for around a thousand calories. and that was after an hour long turbo kick class followed by 5k training that left my shirt completely soaking wet.

so while i felt like i failed on the scale this morning, and i felt like i failed by having such intense cravings, and i felt like i failed when i took a chicken strip and a brownie bite....i still succeeded. and if i haven't lost 30 pounds by friday, i will have lost it by next friday. then it's on to the next goal.

a big, special, amazing thank you to the rebooters who talked me off of my ledge today. tony reminded me that if i attacked the food counter in the style of cookie monster, i would have to write "i can't believe i..." on my blog tonight. i know i couldn't have walked away from it without those people on my side.

tomorrow i want to work out about 6 times, but i'll settle for 2. i have a lot of (healthy) food in my belly right now, so there's a chance the scale will be ugly in the morning. that means friday morning is my final hope. then it's off to NYC....

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

beef boats

well if i have one regret from today it's that i didn't take a picture of the item that inspired the title of this post.

my day was stressful. work was hectic and several people pissed me off today (outside of work). i was so busy i didn't have much time for nourishment. i had lemon water at 10, green juice at noon and some edamame around 3:30. then i headed to band practice.

it was a long practice, and the guys decided to make a food run in the middle. and where do they go? to a place called "schnabs burgers." the biggest, most delicious looking burgers you've ever seen, fries, shakes, the works. it smelled like heaven, especially since my soybeans and juice had happened so much earlier in the day.

the guys are all low-carb dieters. and it was "triple tuesday," so for the price of a double, they all got triple cheeseburgers without buns. they came in these cardboard containers, piled with toppings like grilled mushrooms and onions, pickles, tomato, etc. then they poured on ketchup, mustard, mayo....soon there were three enormous beef boats in front of me. all at the same time i was envious, appalled, amused, weak, strong, sad, ambivalent... one guy was truly feeling bad, saying how sorry he was to eat this in front of me. the other guy gave me the raised eyebrow when i said i'm mostly sticking to vegan, raw when possible. the third, well he's cute...i said i'm eating vegan, and he said, "well do you want just like one bite of my burgers?" i explained that i had a very specific labor day - new york city goal and that i'm THISCLOSE to hitting it, so no caving tonight. but i'll tell you what. those beef boats sure did look delicious and repulsive!

the worst thing about the dinner break, however, was that it made me get home 30 minutes too late to be able to go to the Y. i felt guilty all day for choosing my hair over the gym. it didn't even end up looking that good. lesson learned. when i got home at 9:45 i was famished. i had some garlic hummus, a large pear, some pistachios and some tea. i felt like i could eat 10 pounds of food if it was in front of me, but i feel better now.

i am nervous about the weekend ahead. it includes a trip to new york, a fundraiser and then my birthday. danger, danger, danger. but that's all the more reason why i can't take any rides on beef boats before the weekend. basically 56 hours stand between me and my self-imposed 30 pound deadline. the scale didn't budge today, which means i still have 2.3 pounds to lose. it doesn't look good, folks. right now i'm remembering things like my last trip to NY, pageant weekend with the italian meal, the dressing baby, all the days i hit snooze instead of going to the gym. just a few different decisions would easily have me at 30 pounds right now.

i guess i need to stop obsessing about the 30, and start obsessing about the 40 i still need to lose.

Monday, October 31, 2011

does running late count as exercise?

that was the quote on the marker board at the YMCA this morning, which was appropriate, because i was there almost 3 hours later than planned. but better late than never, right?

today i did w4d1 of c25k. today's routine was run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds. run 5 minutes, walk 2 minutes. repeat. i KILLED those 5 minute runs. i took my kindle today and enlarged the font so i was able to read while jogging. i think that helped to distract me. next week there's a straight 20 minute run. ack!

came home and weighed myself....success! the scale finally moved down, and the dressing baby is gone! 1.8 pounds gone this morning, leaving me with only 2.3 to lose before friday. piece of cake.

or...piece of CHEESECAKE? accckkkk! i got to work feeling strong, confident, happy and full of willpower. then jessica, AKA evil betty crocker devilwoman, showed up with white chocolate chip cheesecakes. no one could shut up about how amazing they were, and i wanted to bash them all in the face. finally i took one small bite, and it WAS delish. in my previous life, i would have had at least 3 of these badboys today. but i was satisfied by my taste.

i stuck to juice the rest of the day, other than a little bit of hummus when i got home from the theater tonight. i saw "spamalot" which was very funny and a nice distraction from being hungry.

so tomorrow....i should go to the gym in the morning because i have band practice in the evening. however, i got my hair highlighted today, and she straightened my hair. as soon as it gets wet it will be curly again. i REALLY want to get a day's use out of the straightness. sooooo....i'll probably skip the gym in the morning and hope to be home from practice in time to still get into the Y before closing time.

and that's the news from panda nation today. time for some magic tea, then hopefully sweet dreams. i hope everyone stayed strong today with the oodles of candy and treats lurking about!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

trick or treat, smell my feet!

do you guys get annoyed when i post pictures of things we're NOT supposed to have?

anyway, hi! let me just say that i'm glad i don't have kids coming home with bags of candy this weekend! but this giant bucket of goodness is in my kitchen ready to pass out tomorrow night. i stood next to it while i made my tea tonight, and i wasn't even slightly tempted. which made me think about how pre-reboot, i would have grabbed one of each candy bar and taken it back to my room to eat in bed while watching tv. i'm ashamed by how little thought i gave to the things i put into my mouth before.

in anticipation of halloween being difficult, i gave my mom several bags of smarties and asked her to pass those out this year. i knew i would never be tempted by smarties! she said, "we can't just hand out smarties, our house will be toilet papered!" i claimed that no one cares what kind of candy you give out, but tonight i found this online poll naming smarties the lamest of all halloween candies, so i guess it's good that she added the other stuff. as long as i keep not eating it, everything will be ok.

zumba was a lot of fun today. several people dressed up, so i didn't feel out of place in my panda costume. we got apples and cereal bars as treats, and she did a zumba cd giveaway. there was a lot of energy in the room, and i worked at 100% of my ability. the difference between what i can do on sunday afternoon vs. saturday morning is remarkable. i'll just never be a morning person.

tomorrow i'm going back to my mean green juice. i needed a break because it was impossible to get down after a month or so. but this week is the final push before i leave for NYC with the band friday morning, and i am so determined to leave ohio 30 pounds lighter than i was at our last gig on labor day. i had been at only 3.5 pounds left to goal on friday morning. but after "the dressing incident" i now have to take off 5 pounds in 5 days. crapola.

i know it's not like i FAILED if i "only" lost 28 pounds...but i set this goal and i want to make it happen. if that means two trips to the Y every day this week, then so be it. if it means shaving my head and cutting off my fingernails, then that's what i'll do. ok, that was a lie.

i saw a post on the facebook page today that really grabbed my attention:

Day 8. Nine pounds. I woke up this morning with a feeling I couldn't immediately identify. It's something pretty foreign to me. I have spent my adult life (I'll bet like most of you) on one diet or another. I am a diet expert. It's the results part that have eluded me. I can stick to a diet like nobody's business, but that's hard to justify when the weight loss just doesn't come. Today I realized I'm feeling........hope.

i could have written this post myself. for only the second time in my life that i can remember, i feel like i might really succeed at getting to a healthy weight. and the other time i felt that kind of hope i was on the complete opposite path, on the atkins diet. this time i feel like i've got a healthier plan, and that gives me even MORE hope. 

and now i've got to get some sleep. the Y opens in 5 hours and 15 minutes, so the crazies will probably start lining up in about an hour. i'm smiling as i visualize myself breaking up the fitness friends again tomorrow morning!

Saturday, October 29, 2011


7:20am came too soon. i did NOT want to get out of bed for zumba and yoga. i never do, but today was worse. i tried to come up with excuses not to go, but at 7:40 i knew i had to work off last night's foodfest, so i went to the Y. normally once i'm there i'm fine and happy. today, not so much. i never really woke up. i pretty much half-assed zumba until the last 3 songs. i fell asleep during meditation in yoga. i heard her say "melt into your mat" and then "sit up when you're ready" and missed the 10 minutes between those statements. turns out that a common side effect of being pregnant with a food baby is sudden onset coma.

i came home and went back to bed. i spent the whole time shivering. no matter what i did, i couldn't get warm. for a little while i thought maybe i was getting sick. finally i went and dug out another blanket and i felt better.

got on the scale before and after my nap, and it was the same both times. up 1.5 pounds from yesterday morning. the tea had already done its job, so i couldn't tell myself it was THAT. could i have truly gained 1.5 pounds of fat from what i ate last night after 2 workouts and only about 150 other calories during the day? probably not, but it's still disheartening to see it on the scale. if i had the decision to make over again, i don't think i'd be able to change it though. i am powerless against that particular entree.

so tonight i had made plans to eat with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, PF changs. this was the compromise from his original suggestion of a pizza/pasta place. instead of reverting back to my old mentality of "well i have already screwed up this weekend, might as well live it up," i prepared myself. before i left i got on their website and reviewed the nutrition information for their menu. i entered all of the "diet friendly" entrees into my phone along with their calorie counts and servings per entree.

we had vegetarian lettuce wraps, which were 97% as delicious as the real deal. YUM, and totally worth the 320 calories, although for the life of me i can't figure out how there are 320 calories in that. for my meal, i had the steamed buddah's feast--baked tofu and mixed vegetables including asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, mushrooms and others - -55 calories, 0 fat. i skipped the rice and had sides of spinach stir fried with garlic (i ate half, for 25 calories and 1.5g fat) and sichuan asparagus -- asparagus wok fired with sichuan preserves, onion, chili flakes and garlic (i had half for 50 calories and 3g fat). not only did i leave there with my belly absolutely stuffed for only 420 calories...but my standard-american-diet eating friend tried all of my selections, loved them, and took home the leftovers that i didn't want to contend with.

if PF chang's wasn't 45 minutes away, i would eat that asparagus several times a week. and i have to hand it to this restaurant. they offer many of their selections in vegetarian variations, and they also have an extensive gluten free menu, which even includes a dessert. plus their regular desserts come in "minis," ranging from 180-220 calories. i had such a good time in such a nice restaurant, and i didn't have to feel left out or deprived. success.

i didn't have dessert at the restaurant, but i had whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top of my evening: i saw my stupid ex boyfriend, and he is a lot fatter and i am a lot skinner than the last time i saw his idiot face.

tomorrow zumba is at 4pm, so i should have no problem waking up for that. plus we get to wear costumes (i'm going to be a panda, duh), and we're doing the "thriller" dance AND we get healthy treats. FUN!

Friday, October 28, 2011

black friday

my day began at 4am when i woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. finally i decided i'd go to the YMCA when they opened at 5:30. i arrived at 5:25 to find the fitness crazies lined up at the door like black friday shoppers. when they got the signal from the front desk they rushed to beat the side door line to the keycard entry into the fitness center. 

i grabbed one of my favorite treadmills next to another lady. a few minutes later another woman took the one to my left. the women gave each other a look and shrug of the shoulders. obviously i was an outsider, an unforeseen divide between these workout buddies. they made a big show of talking to each other around me. 

i did my 5k training program, and it went well. this week i walk for 5 minutes, run for 90 seconds, walk for 90 seconds, run for 3 minutes, walk for 2 minutes, then repeat the run/walk intervals, finishing with a 5 minute cool down. 

came home and weighed myself. the scale was the same as yesterday. went back to bed for 2 hours. weighed myself. the scale was down 1.2 pounds. crazy. 

i spent the day thinking about the meal i was going to have tonight. i was 50/50 looking forward to it and dreading the idea of eating something that i knew would damage me. i kept my calorie intake at a minimum all day, then went back to the Y after work for a repeat performance of this morning's training session. it went even better, which made me feel good. 

then i came home and stuffed myself like a macy's balloon. i had a little bit of mashed potatoes and gravy, a smaller bit of cole slaw, and 14.6 pounds of dressing. i couldn't stop. i felt my pants get tight but it just tasted so fricking good! i broke a cookie in half, broke it in half again, and ate that bite. that was the point when i swear i felt my stomach rip apart.

i've spent the rest of the night carrying a food baby around in my stomach. i'm bloated and dying of thirst. i probably took in more sodium tonight than i have in the last 7 weeks combined. in one way it was worth it. i enjoyed it so much, and i felt like i worked hard to earn it with my 2 workouts. but feeling like i feel right now...i don't miss this. i truly feel like i've gained back all 27 pounds in one meal. i want it out of me. 

so...i let my zija "cleansing" tea steep for 30 minutes instead of 10, hoping it will grant me that wish in the morning.'s hoping my wish won't come true right in the middle of zumba. embare. i'd better take a spot near the door. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

blood battle

my top four fears are spiders, ghosts, tornadoes and aliens. after that comes needles. i tried to face my fear by getting a small tattoo several years ago. i hated the way it felt and now i hate the way it looks. experiment failed. so today there was a blood battle (blood drive competition) leading into a rivalry football game tomorrow night. each year i try so hard to psyche myself up to do it. every year i fail. i mean, my mom still has to go with me when i need blood drawn, if that tells you anything.

this story doesn't have a feel-good ending where i overcome the odds. i decided not to do it. a big part of that was that i've just felt a little run down the past couple of days, and i really needed to be able to get through my workout tonight. but when i was making a list of pros and cons, one of the pros was, "it might make me weigh a few ounces less." and THAT is how you know you're a scale addict, folks!

speaking of addictions, i got an iphone today around 4pm. went to zumba at 6 with every intention of doing c25k after. but i couldn't wait to get back to my phone and practically ran out of zumba when it ended. technically it wasn't c25k day anyway since i did it yesterday. but i'm trying to take fewer resting days than scheduled so i can finish the whole plan before the turkey trot.

since i worked out, and since i've been feeling a little weak, i had a meal after the gym--a vegan bean "burrito" i found in the organic section at giant eagle, and some rice with peach mango salsa. tomorrow night, i'll just tell you now, i'm having white bread, chicken, eggs and i'm not sure what else is in there. my mom's dressing (you may call it stuffing) is the highlight of thanksgiving. this year however, circumstances dictate that we have to go out for our meal. so my mom made it for tomorrow night's pre-game party at our house, and i'm going to have some. there are some things that you just can't fight. i'm still winning the war against the mcrib, but this's bigger than me. it is pre-made and in the fridge right now, and frankly i'm shocked that i'm not upstairs secretly baking a dish to eat tonight. THAT can be my victory. i honestly don't even care if i gain a pound. totally worth it.

oh..and please remind me that i said that when i'm crying on saturday because i gained a pound.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

life before 6am

today i did something i've never done in my life: i went to the gym before 6am.

i had to wake up early to help a friend get to work, so i figured i might as well make up for not being able to go to the gym last night. in my mind, i'd waltz right into the gym at 5:45 and have the run of the house. all of the finest freshly washed towels, pick of the best treadmills, peace and quiet.

holy hell, was i sadly mistaken.

that place is more of a madhouse at 5:45am than at 5:45pm. not only did i not have my pick of the BEST treadmills, i was relegated to the very WORST treadmill. the one that shocks you if your hands are sweaty when you check your heart rate. the one with not enough display options, so it switches back and forth, always lingering on the one you don't want to see at that moment. the one in the back row, too far to read the closed caption on the tv's. think steerage on the titanic, folks. but i powered through in my meager conditions and felt good about doing it before the break of dawn.

my plan was for that to be "last night's" workout, then to do another one after work today. heh. turns out four hours of sleep is not a motivator for a repeat appearance at the gym. i came home and blessed my family with my grumpiness instead! lucky them!

today i had a power struggle in my brain. it was the final day for our local farmer's market. they make these really amazing wood fired pizzas out of fresh, local ingredients. as far as pizza goes, these are as healthy as they come. but it is still flour, it's still some cheese, it's still a good 800 calories for the pie. BUT it was my final chance to have one until MAY! i fought with myself all day about it. in the end i decided i just could not bear to see the scale possibly go up instead of down tomorrow after the stellar week i've had. also my birthday is next week and i had previously requested my favorite meal: homemade meatloaf, mac and cheese, and pumpkin roll for dessert. but today i emailed my mom and called that off too. i just can't thwart momentum like this. i'm going to enjoy a special food treat on friday this week, so i have to sacrifice in some other areas.

so speaking of the scales.... i forgot to weigh last wednesday, so this is a 6 day total: 5.4 pounds! WOOT! that's an entire fat log in one week!  if i can lose 3.7 before next friday, i'll have met my 30 pound goal between labor day and the new york trip with the band. 9 days...that's less than half a pound a day. body don't fail me now!

now if just ONE person who doesn't have any idea i've been dieting would notice my weight loss, i'd feel like i'm really accomplishing something. i know i'm a fatass, but damn. 26.3 pounds and not one random comment? hmph.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

i'd like to thank the academy....

i have felt so good all week. it started with that shopping trip and has continued each day as the scale has been moving at a rapid pace. i am proud of myself, but there is no way i could do this without a cast of thousands. i realize that by trying to remember everyone to thank, i risk leaving someone out. but i'm going to try not to do that.

katelyn stroh - when you started couch to 5k last year it inspired me to try it too, and i was able to achieve my dream of running a 5k. while i have spent the year gaining and losing weight, doing that 5k made me believe i was capable of anything, and now i'm training all over again. you inspire me.

debbie hanchette - you have talked to me several times over the years about raw foods and juice. the evening we had dinner on your deck with melons, smoothies and guacamole, i realized that i could be stuffed full and never involve an unhealthy food. then as i started this, you were my biggest cheerleader. you gave me advice, and sent money with me to NYC to enjoy a vegan meal. you emailed me encouragement at my lowest and praise at my highest. i want you to be proud of me. you're one of the best people i've ever known.

veronica crawford and jodi mathews - i saw you writing to each other on facebook about fat, sick and nearly dead and decided to check it out.

mom - you have been great at supporting me without making me mad. ;-) when i was ready to quit after NYC your email kept me going. you were even pretty nice about the times when everything in the house was sticky with juice. your emails make me happy, and i totally need you on my side.

sally warner - another one of my biggest cheerleaders. sally has been helping me with my health and fitness since we first met in the spring. she teaches my zumba and yoga classes, and she's a great friend. sally, thank you for all of the encouragement and praise. thank you for dean! thank you for encouraging me to push past what i believe my limits to be. not wanting to let you down has been a motivator in times when i was ok with letting myself down. i can't say enough good about you OR the YMCA. that place is so much more than a gym. it's a family there.

michael alisiano - i work with michael, and in april he started an optifast liquid diet and has lost over 80 pounds. seeing the incredible shrinking man every day was amazing. then when i saw fat, sick and nearly dead and asked myself if i could be ok on just juice, i thought of michael. he seemed happy and well adjusted on his liquid diet, and his life was changing before my eyes. michael (mikey), if you hadn't done what you did, i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing. see you at zumba.

ONE - the band i work for got booked in NYC november 4th, and we made a pact to lose weight between labor day and november 4th. another source of inspiration.

the rebooters on facebook - wow. you guys have become such good friends. i spend WAY too much time each day reading and posting, and you all have helped me so much. the stories are inspiring. even when one of you stumbles it reminds me that we're human and that it's ok to stumble as long as you get back up. without you i'd be less inclined to keep doing this. you've made me feel like a leader, and i want to help keep us ALL motivated.

my blog readers - i can see the daily stats. 100 people a day, 200 people a day. netherlands, australia, united kingdom, russia, america. i have come to feel a sense of obligation to you. if i quit it might mean hundreds of others around the world will have less hope. and then the people YOU'RE inspiring will have less hope, and so on. knowing i'll have to confess my sins to all of you makes me less inclined to commit them.

if you're reading this then you're helping me, and i'm thankful for you. tomorrow morning is official weigh-in day. here's hoping for a number that keeps me a safe distance from mcrib for another day!