so what happened was....

a few hours after my blog on sunday, my phone rang. tops leader. i KNEW what she was going to say! TOPS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER! i was ecstatic! another week to lose my 2lb and i could eat dinner! i immediately stripped off my clothes and jumped on the scale. guess WHAT. i was down 2.2 pounds. lowest. weight. ever. i'd done it! so joy turned to sorrow, as i have to wait another week to get this recorded at tops, and we all know what can happen in a week!

so i had a salad and a salmon patty, kept it simple. since tops was cancelled, i no longer had a reason not to attend a pampered chef party i'd been invited to monday evening. she said they were demonstrating a potato soup, and that sounded safe enough. i can pass up soup. so i had a small salad at my mom's after work, then went to the party at 7. ok kiley... SOUP? you failed to mention the carrot cake, reese's bars, oreo truffles, buckeye truffles, buffalo dip, and orange drop cookies. so.... "i can't get this anytime i want it" rule went into effect, but three bite rule went OUT THE DOOR. unless you consider each truffle one bite. three of those, half of a cookie, half of a piece of cake, a small bowl of soup (at that point, may as well sample it), some buffalo dip and two reese's bars later, i rolled myself out of there. at home i continued my binge with some old pringles cheese sticks i found in the back of the cupboard. i am a foodaholic, no joke. i can never contain it anymore. i could have come home and not touched another thing, but i just HAD to pile on. i can't explain it. it's not fun or satisfying. it feels ugly and rebellious when it's happening.

the good news is that i got right back with it today, no thoughts of cheating again. and by the grace of God, i didn't gain anything. but my ankle... still jacked up. not terrible but not perfect. when i walk it hurts just enough to know it hurts. and i've noticed that my left foot faces forward when i walk, but my right, the painful one, is pointing out to the side. somehow that's how i'm compensating. sigh. GET BETTER, FOOT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU!

i've kept busy all evening talking with friends on facebook about some upcoming adventures, so i haven't thought about binging. i had some cheese after work and never even revisited the idea of a genuine meal.

therefore - emotional eating journal - nothing to report today. but last night i ate because i got drunk on the idea of "what do these things taste like?" and wanting to fit in and enjoy myself. then i ate because i was mad at myself for eating. i think it's a "you stupid pig, if you're going to be a piggy, be a whole hog and really punish yourself!" type thing. ugh.

so on that note... piggy ziggy, out.

slow fast.

happy sunday, readers! i was just looking at the past few blogs, and i owe you an apology for my failure to proofread. yowza.

well, tomorrow is tops. i am down about 2lb from last week, but still need to get 2lb more to have any shot at keeping my 80lb charm. with the foot situation, i'm not sure it will be possible. i had planned to go to hot yoga today, but with the horrible road conditions from the weekend snowstorm, i opted out. and it's a good thing, because i read on facebook that so many showed up they had to turn a lot away. but there goes my 60 minutes of sweating.

my foot was doing so much better as of thursday. i was to the point where i was really thinking i'd have to go to the doctor, but i woke up thursday and i could walk! it felt great thursday and most of friday. but then i was trying to do too much and it got sore again. yesterday i caught up on laundry and cleaning, and by last night i was wrapped up again with ice and elevation. boo and hiss.

so my only remaining option... fasting. you guys, today is going SOOOOO SLOWLY. why would they ever call it a fast when time stands still while you're doing it? on a workday i can go all day without eating, not even on purpose, and i'm unfazed. but on a cold, snowy weekend at home? i want to be eating every single second. like, i'm talking about finding waterproof food so i can continue eating while i'm in the shower, then hooking up an IV drip for when i'm sleeping. am i hungry? no. but i'm not full, either. and i want that feeling of a full, warm belly of comfort foods like hearty soups and hot chocolate and some cupcakes. yes, cupcakes. argh.

but the fast must go on. i have had some coffee with HWC, and i had 2 slices of deli roasted chicken breast. trying to just keep drinking water. tomorrow night i'm having cupcakes. i've been looking at this recipe all week long, dying to try it: http://www.ruled.me/raspberry-cheesecake-cupcakes/

so after tops tomorrow, keto friendly cupcakes are SO happening. and i'm going to eat about 4 of them, because by then i'll have earned 800 calories worth of cupcakes! they look small. :-)

so, emotional eating journal: i haven't felt emotional, just bored. maybe a little deprived. but i think i've overcome it for the most part. on friday night i did have a bowl of sugar free ice cream that i didn't need, but i still kept under 2000 calories for the day. more than i like to have, but still reasonable. i had 2 of those pork chops with the bacon and cheese, some salad, cheese, other stuff. but still nothing emotionally motivated.

my happiness today is that i'm wearing this awesome vintage t-shirt i found from the 80's that says "just say no" on it. it's a medium, and it fits like a glove, in a good way. i've always loved retro t-shirts, but they were always baggy monstrosities, and this looks cute, i think.

i've been asked to consider a half marathon in april. not to run it all, but run-walk intervals. the course is open longer than most, for 4 hours. so that would be plenty of time to go at a slow interval pace. it would be the matter of building up the endurance to do that for between 3 and 4 hours. i can't even imagine. but i REALLY want to do this. let's see how the old foot feels tomorrow.

i'm rambling now, but almost forgot to mention this. i had a little reunion with some elementary school friends on thursday. my 3rd grade teacher told me that i had inspired her, and she'd started weight watchers that day. i jut can't say how humbling it is to hear that other people are looking at me as an example and inspiration. it really keeps me going. it's a crazy feeling to be an example of how people want to be instead of an example of how they fear ending up. who do you want to be an example for?

krrrazy in the kitchen!

you need to keep in mind that i'm traditionally hopeless in the kitchen, ESPECIALLY when it comes to cooking meat. i am terrified of poisoning myself and my friends with undercooked meat. i've always said if i can't make it in the microwave, it's not happened. well keto has caused me to step outside of my comfort zone, and i am getting far better at cooking. tonight i had dinner at bob evans with some friends after work, but i had a package of bacon in the fridge with a "best by" date of 1/28 on it, along with pork chops and salmon i'd put in to thaw on monday. i knew i needed to use 'em or lose 'em. so i quickly got to work, and an hour later i had prepared salmon patties, a pound of bacon, and bacon cheddar pork chops. plus washed all of the dishes! i tasted the pork chops, so if i am not puking at this time tomorrow, we'll know they are safe. tasted the bacon... twice. and the salmon looks pretty good to me. i eat raw salmon at the japanese restaurant, so that doesn't worry me too much. i'm sure it's baked though.

so now i have lunches and dinners ready to go for the next several days. i'm going out again tomorrow after work, but now when i'm home and in "binge mode" this weekend, i'll have all of this delicious stuff just ready to heat up. pretty excited.

i got a little closer to my gallon goal with water today, but fell short again. if you add in my 24oz diet coke and coffee i'm closer, but probably shouldn't count those. i got a 33oz water bottle and need to drink almost 4 of them to make it.

i think i'm going to try hot yoga on sunday. i'm dog sitting that day so i hate to leave him because i loooooooves him, but i don't want to wait another week. sunday is "community" day where the $13 class is only $6 and the money goes to charity. the day before tops seems like the right time to sweat for an hour in a 90 degree room.

emotional eating journal: another day with no emotional eating that i can think of. i used IF through the day. i got a bit hungry about an hour before dinner so i had 1/4 of a protein bar. i researched the bob evans nutrition ahead of time and ordered exactly what i'd planned. i even had a few bites of vanilla ice cream without guilt. 11 carbs in a serving, and i had 1/4 of a serving. it was a nice treat. i tasted my food as it came out of the oven, but again, nothing to do with emotions. i was even kind of sad this morning and hunger didn't cross my mind. i remember a day not that long ago when i got really disappointed and my first thought was numbing it with an arby's roast beef sandwich or a subway footlong - bread and all.

i forgot to weigh myself today, so kind of looking forward to tomorrow morning to see if i've dropped any since monday. OH! my foot feels so much better today! i think i can try working out on friday. pretty excited! it will have been a whole week!

working toward goals.

i was shooting for a gallon of water today. i fell short, but i really tried, and i am happy with that. there were at least 2 bottles i drank purely because i was trying to reach the gallon. so tomorrow i'll try to get even closer.

i saved up all day so i could eat dinner. didn't make the best choice, but could have been worse i guess. i had two dirty martinis with 3 blue cheese stuffed olives in each. that's a lot of calories but not carbs. i should really do 2 alcohol-free weeks, however. then the server proposed reuben soup. what is this? well, it's heaven in a bowl. probably the best soup i've ever had. it's a creamy soup with flavors of garlic and onions, filed with tender brisket and sauerkraut, then topped with rye croutons and melted swiss, like french onion soup. i ordered mine without the croutons, but after i got home looked up soup recipes and found out they all have flour in them. so it wasn't innocent, but not HORRIBLE. i also had a grilled chicken salad with blue cheese, tomatoes and slivered almonds with ranch, but i ate less than half and i ordered the lunch size to begin with.

i didn't really eat emotionally today. i should not have ordered the soup, maybe the martinis made me do that. but truly it was an instance of something being so good, it was worth it. and i think with a coconut flour substitution and some xanthan gum, i may be able to make a low carb version at home.

i really want some of my leftover salad now but should go to bed happy to have been pretty successful and non-emotional today.

my foot is still busted, no improvement. thinking of trying hot yoga on sunday.

emotional eating journal.

hello blogees! it's been a week of emotional ups and downs on my diet, but for the most part i behaved. i had some moments of binging, but on keto-approved items like pork rinds (i know) and atkins bars. but i still need to get complete control of my emotions and particularly my boredom. i'm never hungry when i'm busy. but if i'm at home on the couch, i want to be snacking on this or that. i had a bowl of breyer's sugar free ice cream last night (about 3 servings' worth i bet) with peanuts and whipped cream, SF torani drizzled over the whole mess. THEN i had 2 SF reeses minis and a whitman's caramel. unnecessary.

but somehow, miraculously, i was down 2.5lb at tops tonight. far from my lofty 6lb goal, but for the entire week the scale wasn't budging, so i am pretty happy that today was the day.

the bad news is i've injured my foot or ankle, it's kind of a tossup about which is hurt. but it's hard to work, it hurts a lot, and i'm in an air cast. i don't know what this will mean for my running training, but i know i'm on rest for a few days and then elliptical instead of treadmill. i'm pretty sad about it, and scared.

we're supposed to keep an emotional eating journal every day this month for tops, and i am making this blog my journal. today i was in a good mood and untempted. i never eat before tops, so that wasn't hard. then after tops i rewarded myself with chipotle. it wasn't a bad decision regarding calories or carbs, but i had sort of told myself earlier in the day that i'd just concentrate on protein and fat this week and try not to eat many other carbs. but i had sour cream, cheese, guac...

tomorrow i am meeting a friend after work for martinis. we know those have the potential to get me into trouble with food. i am going to try to stick to just one. haha, right?

i just had a spoonful of almond butter for my "snack" and i feel pretty good, pretty in control. it feels good. now what am i going to do about exercise.... sigh.

proudy mcprouderton

i'm a bit too tired and lazy to say much tonight, but wanted you to know i'm still doing well. had another really good day. i didn't work out because my ankle is really giving me trouble, but more because i stayed in my hometown after work to go to my nephews' basketball game and dinner, and by the time i got back to home base, the gym was closed. i'll be there in the morning running #megsmiles. google that for info. sad story.

there is great news - the friend i mentioned the other day who had asked for some advice - she's already down four pounds doing keto and couch to 5k. i'm so proud! we just had lunch on TUESDAY! three days, four pounds, lots of happiness.

as for me, i'm only down a pound. i know it will start really moving again, but i have worked pretty hard this week so i am a little disappointed that i won't be going to tops with a 6lb loss. maybe next week! i need to get my whole gain off by the 24th weigh-in or i'll lose my 80lb charm. yikes!

that said, i really, REALLY, REALLY want to go get a big spoonful of almond butter right now!

binge. purge. binge.

WHAT is my problem today? i'm a bottomless pit, that's what. i had coffee and atkins bar for breakfast, check. i had egg beaters with sour cream, cheese and hot sauce, and 3pc bacon for lucy, check. but then i got home from work certain that i was about to pass out from starvation. i'd had tons of water today, so that wasn't it. i started picking and just kept going back to the kitchen for more, more, more. at the end of the day i'd taken in 1600 calories. not bad, but i'd like to keep that lower as i get back into my diet after my big gain. and my net carbs were only 16, so it's not like i was a huge pig, but i know my body and i know i won't lose anything. i didn't work out because my calf was hurting so much all day. i came home and iced it for awhile. i HAVE to work out tomorrow. maybe twice, even. i was so determined to lose 6lb before tops monday, and i don't think i've lost anything. it's frustrating when you've done so well, then lose control to such a degree, because your body does NOT pick up where it left off. so do yourself a favor, and don't cheat. just keep sucking it up, because the price you will pay isn't worth it. if only i could remember this when my tummy starts telling me that we're about to starve to death.

oh, the title of this blog! one of my treats was whitman's sugar free chocolate. which i love. but does not love me. so i've been in the bathroom, ohhhhhh, about 8 times tonight. but i keep going back for more snacks (not more chocolate, mind you) so it has been a binge/purge kind of night.

whitman's chocolate.... slash laxative. slash, delicious.

day two - still winning.

another successful day is in the books. i had an atkins bar and coffee for breakfast, and i even took the time to measure out my heavy cream for my coffee. lunch was a chicken breast which had some italian dressing on it - not thrilled with that, but i'll deal - , green beans and some salad. and for dinner, this monstrosity. low carb tortilla with buffalo dip as sauce, grilled chicken, cheddar, bacon, ranch, hot sauce and some grated parm. probably a BIT indulgent for day 2, but i ran OUTSIDE after work, so i felt ok about it. i didn't have any other snacks or treats today.

i got to have lunch with a really amazing friend i haven't been able to spend time with in many years. we became friends in 1st grade, bounced in and out of each other's lives through elementary school, lost touch in high school and recently reconnected when she moved back to the area. she was looking for inspiration in her journey toward a happier, healthier version of her wonderful self. and i was reminded that nothing motivates me more than motivating others. not skinny jeans or compliments or VS underpants... but having someone else say, "i want to do what you're doing, help me" just lights me up and reminds me that i am to be an example. in fact, that's part of the tops pledge that we recite each week:

"i am an intelligent person. i will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. every time i tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego or dull my senses, i will remember that my excess poundage is there for all the world to see, and i am to be an example of what tops can do as i take off pounds sensibly." 

the funny thing about the pledge is that it changed sometime during the years i was away from tops. it used to read "that my excess poundage is there for all the world to see how foolish i have been." i guess in the day and age of political correctness, we couldn't handle calling ourselves foolish. but we are oh so foolish at times, are we not? i made 100 foolish choices in the past 2 weeks, easily. so today i made at least 4 good choices, and canceled a few out. i'll knock out a few more tomorrow.

back to basics.

i'm so sorry i've been MIA. when i'm not doing well, i am not motivated to write. which is against everything i've learned and preached about. i'm very sorry. i had good days and bad days. a week ago i was up about 3 pounds. i had every opportunity to get ahold of myself, but then tops was cancelled due to weather, so i kept right on eating crap, and at tonight's weigh-in i had my first gain since i joined tops on april 22, 2013 and brace yourselves, it was a big one.

6.75 pounds.

that's right, i'm back up to 170. can you believe it? i can't, and i was here for every bite that got me there. although by the end of the evening, i was back into the 160's because i went to the gym twice tonight. i know a few pounds will come off very easily, it's water. the rest is cake and cookies and bread and a few fries. some japanese noodles. and overall, nothing very delicious. i didn't have a moment where i thought "THIS is worth it." it was just picking at this and that until i'd picked at everything available to me. how did this happen?

that is a multi-part answer.

culprit #1 - the holidays. i don't need to explain that. the first time all year i was faced with temptation after temptation, and almost all of it consisting of those "this is only available this time of year," like my mom's stuffing, or pumpkin creme brulee. i have said before that my willpower is unfortunately finite. so i indulged here and there. but as you know, i made it through my birthday, thanksgiving and christmas without gains at tops. but something else was happening in the background...

culprit #2 - getting too creative. i found that superbly awesome website, ruled.me, along with its facebook page counterpart. i started seeing all of these fabulous recipes and became a culinary phenom. i was making low carb pizza crusts out of cheese and eggs and almond flour. i made low carb spice cakes and frosting... and ate the whole thing. i made TWO batches of frosting - one for the cake and one to eat with a spoon. "hey, it's low carb!" yeah, but it's NOT low calorie or low fat. and those things DO have an impact, especially if you're not working out hard. which leads me to....

culprit #3 - end of 5k season. once my last race was over on december 21st, i lost some motivation to run. "i have plenty of time til the next race." i have been going to the gym here and there, but with nowhere near the regularity i was during race season. but i have committed to a 4.5 mile leg of a half-marathon relay team, so i need to keep training. i just really hate the gym. but i have to go there because...

culprit #4 - winter. it's so dark and cold and miserable. the christmas lights are gone and there's mud and snow and rain and cold and darkness and general gloom. when i get out of work, i want to be home on my couch. when i got out of work and it was 70 and sunny, i wanted to be in the park running.

culprit #5 - pressure. i have been working so hard to lose every week that i have created a terrible cycle. it seems like there was always some event or party going on during the week, and i would gain a couple of pounds. then i'd spend sunday and monday half starving, working out before tops in my heavy clothing to sweat out enough to get my loss - and i would get it. but then i'd come home and have a regular meal and be up a pound the next day, then spend the rest of the week repeating the cycle. so i had decided that for my first weigh-in of the year, i would let myself take a gain. i had some "regular" food over the weekend before last week's tops meeting. i ate a burger and fries at michael symon's b-spot, washed down with a vanilla bean bacon milkshake. had a few other treats. then they cancelled that meeting. my first thought was "i have a week to get this off," but then i kept putting it off and putting it off... baked that spice cake... next thing you know, 6 pounds. i am VERY capable of gaining 3lb per week indefinitely, which is how i got so fat after "the cookie" in 2011. it never levels off.

so i went tonight and took my gain. and they were horrified. imagine seeing me lose every single week for 35 weigh-in's, and then i show up with nearly a 7 pound gain. they were unhappy. i tried to act cool about it but i felt awful. especially when i realized tonight was our 6 month awards night, and i received biggest 6 month loser. i got a bank full of everyone's gain fines from the past 6 months, $10, a charm, a ribbon, a rose and a certificate, and i felt like a fraud accepting it tonight. i also got my 80 pound charm, but i need to lose 6.75 pounds all over again for it to be legit again.

so.... that's my motivation. i want to go to tops next week with all 6.75 off of me. it is going to take a LOT of work. and no more "making this out of that" as far as low carb recipes go. i lost this weight eating things like eggs, a few pieces of bacon, salads, chicken and fish. the basics. i went to the gym before AND after tops, then came home and had the meal i posted at the top. i feel good about it. i think the demons are out of my system now. my mom said if i lose 20lb by april, she will buy me any swimsuit i want. in my mind, that's 26.75 pounds, because the offer was made before we knew how much i'd gained.

so... here i am. girl who lost weight after her birthday. girl who lost weight after thanksgiving. girl who lost weight after christmas. and girl who gained a baby's worth of weight after new year's. oh well, it is what it is, right? all that matters is how i react to this. so far, so good. but it's only been one day. i'll check back in tomorrow.