Monday, March 30, 2015

here i go again on my own.

if you've done battle with fat for your entire life, this story won't shock you.

i last wrote almost exactly a year ago. i was at my lowest adult weight. i was a running machine. i was about to accept an award for losing more weight in ohio than anyone else in tops. i had just won a contest to run a half marathon at disney world in november. i was 20 pounds away from losing 100 pounds. 20 pounds from my goal. twenty. pounds.

have you ever found out that what you thought was the best thing to ever happen to you was actually the worst thing to ever happen to you?

that tops award and that disney contest ruined my life.

wait. strike that.

i ruined my own life. the award and the contest were the catalysts.

when word got out about what i had accomplished, i got lost in my own shuffle. so many people wanted a piece of me. questions about running, advice about eating, please come speak at our meeting, i need you to write blogs every week, i need you to go meet this corporate sponsor, make sure you don't gain 5 pounds or you won't qualify for the award.

the pressure was immense. i suffocated in it.

and when i feel trapped, i sabotage myself. i rebel. i turn to food like a junkie runs to heroin.

so an hour after that award was in my hands in may, we left and went to the melting pot for chocolate fondue.

and i haven't stopped eating since.

for many reasons, the least of which is length, i can't go into the entire disney story. but it was not a fairytale by any means. it was exhausting, demanding, disappointing, and i was left to my own devices by my trainer. months went by without check-ins. and i was in self-sabotage mode, so i wasn't doing my long runs. i wasn't eating right. i was gaining, gaining, gaining. i stopped going to tops. i was too ashamed to get on the scale again. everyone had been so inspired by me and i was failing right in front of them.

long story short, disney came, and i was disastrously under-trained. somehow i completed the 5k and the half marathon. but not without pain, tears, falling behind the course-required time, and not without injury. i could barely walk for more than a week after the half marathon. i destroyed my knees, ankles and feet. i had no business finishing it, but determination carried me through the miles in the cold rain. that was november 8th. on thanksgiving i "ran" a turkey trot, 10 minutes slower than my best 5k time that i'd hit in june.

through the holidays i ate.

into 2015 i ate. not because things tasted good or because i was hungry, but because i was angry. i was angry about the entire disney experience. i was angry that i had gained so much weight. i was embarrassed to run into people i hadn't seen in awhile. because to the casual acquaintance, i was fat…then i was thin…then in the blink of an eye i was fat again. it all happened that fast.

and today, about a year after my last blog, i am as fat as i have ever been. i can't bare to get on the scale for the official number. but based on my clothes and the way i look and feel, i weigh as much--if not more--than i did before i started my diet 2 years ago. i spent 13 months losing 80 pounds, and i spent 10 months gaining it all back. all of it.

none of my clothes fit. i'm back in my "professional lady yoga pants," and thankfully it's been a cold spring, because i don't know what i'm going to wear when i can't wear hoodies anymore in the next few weeks. all of my fatass underwear are back in my drawer, and the victoria's secret undies are put away, along with my cute bras, swimsuits and dresses. i had planned a ski trip with my friends in february, and you wouldn't believe how hard it was to find plus size ski pants. the cute second-hand spyder coat i found last year didn't come close to zipping this year. i had to buy everything new. i felt like a fool out there, no one else my size was on the slopes. in november i was asked to co-host election night results on TV, and i turned it down because i couldn't stand the idea of what i'd look like and what people would say.

it's funny (funny sad, not funny ha-ha), when i run into someone who read about my successful weight loss story, but who hasn't seen me… they say "you look great!" and i know they are thinking "i thought she lost a bunch of weight??" i'm horrified when i see people who saw me even 6 months ago. i see their eyes look me up and down, and i can hear their thoughts. and they say, "you look great" because they are confused.

i hate myself right now. i'm at rock bottom. the only thing worse than being fat is having a short taste of not being fat and then blowing it. even if i had lost only a quarter pound per week for the last year, i would be at my goal now instead of back at the starting line. i went to the gym tonight and these feet that carried me through two half marathons last year can barely run for 60 seconds now. my muscles are dead. my fat flops up and down when i run, and i feel like everyone in the gym can see and hear me lumbering along, gasping for air, and they're thinking "look at that fat girl trying to run." they would never imagine i ran two half marathons last year. i took the 13.1 magnet off of my car because i felt like people were thinking "that must not be her car. there's no way that girl did a half marathon."

in my mind, i'm still the girl who was at the starting line of the half marathon last april weighing 161. in her size large shirt and only one chin. the girl who thought she was still so hideous, but now all photographic evidence to the contrary. i forget that i'm fat again. obese. morbidly obese. that this can't be undone in one marathon session at the gym like the weeks when i would gain a pound and then work to get it off before weigh-in. i have at least a year of work ahead of me. not just on my body, but on my brain. because there is clearly something wrong with me that makes me defeat myself. i don't know anyone else capable of doing what i've done in the past two years… losing weight that way OR gaining it back.  all of it. i didn't gain 10 pounds and panic. or 20. or 50. you'd think at some point along the way i would have woken up. but i just kept getting iced coffees and bagels and tacos and milkshakes. oreos and pop tarts and curly fries and burgers. pizzas and pizzas and pizzas. oh, the pizzas i've known this past year. sometimes i'd get an extra large on friday night so it would last all weekend. i called it "grocery shopping." then there's the beer. the wine. the margaritas. food gave me a little thrill. i would sneak it. if you only knew what i spent on half-price valentine chocolates on february 15th. there's still some left, because there was so much to begin with.

i know that if i'm ever going to have a happy day again, this has to stop right now. a lot of sadness is ahead for me this year. sickness in my family, a situation with a beloved pet, an ended relationship. the ONLY thing i can control is what goes into my mouth, and if i exercise. it's time to stop killing myself and time to start living again. for the past 10 months, i've been dead inside. time to wake up. i miss my tops friends. i miss my running friends. i miss a back that didn't ache and i miss having clothes to wear. there are items in my closet with tags still on them… i outgrew them before i even got to wear them. i miss not worrying when someone was taking my picture or if it would end up on Facebook. i miss WANTING my picture to be on Facebook. i miss feeling strong. i miss feeling pretty. i miss feeling like i have a chance in this life to meet someone who wants to love me. i miss the girl i knew for such a short time. i need to find her again before it's too late. i cannot live this way, i can't survive life feeling like i feel now.

so here i go again…. day 1, complete.

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