Monday, October 31, 2011

does running late count as exercise?

that was the quote on the marker board at the YMCA this morning, which was appropriate, because i was there almost 3 hours later than planned. but better late than never, right?

today i did w4d1 of c25k. today's routine was run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds. run 5 minutes, walk 2 minutes. repeat. i KILLED those 5 minute runs. i took my kindle today and enlarged the font so i was able to read while jogging. i think that helped to distract me. next week there's a straight 20 minute run. ack!

came home and weighed myself....success! the scale finally moved down, and the dressing baby is gone! 1.8 pounds gone this morning, leaving me with only 2.3 to lose before friday. piece of cake.

or...piece of CHEESECAKE? accckkkk! i got to work feeling strong, confident, happy and full of willpower. then jessica, AKA evil betty crocker devilwoman, showed up with white chocolate chip cheesecakes. no one could shut up about how amazing they were, and i wanted to bash them all in the face. finally i took one small bite, and it WAS delish. in my previous life, i would have had at least 3 of these badboys today. but i was satisfied by my taste.

i stuck to juice the rest of the day, other than a little bit of hummus when i got home from the theater tonight. i saw "spamalot" which was very funny and a nice distraction from being hungry.

so tomorrow....i should go to the gym in the morning because i have band practice in the evening. however, i got my hair highlighted today, and she straightened my hair. as soon as it gets wet it will be curly again. i REALLY want to get a day's use out of the straightness. sooooo....i'll probably skip the gym in the morning and hope to be home from practice in time to still get into the Y before closing time.

and that's the news from panda nation today. time for some magic tea, then hopefully sweet dreams. i hope everyone stayed strong today with the oodles of candy and treats lurking about!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

trick or treat, smell my feet!

do you guys get annoyed when i post pictures of things we're NOT supposed to have?

anyway, hi! let me just say that i'm glad i don't have kids coming home with bags of candy this weekend! but this giant bucket of goodness is in my kitchen ready to pass out tomorrow night. i stood next to it while i made my tea tonight, and i wasn't even slightly tempted. which made me think about how pre-reboot, i would have grabbed one of each candy bar and taken it back to my room to eat in bed while watching tv. i'm ashamed by how little thought i gave to the things i put into my mouth before.

in anticipation of halloween being difficult, i gave my mom several bags of smarties and asked her to pass those out this year. i knew i would never be tempted by smarties! she said, "we can't just hand out smarties, our house will be toilet papered!" i claimed that no one cares what kind of candy you give out, but tonight i found this online poll naming smarties the lamest of all halloween candies, so i guess it's good that she added the other stuff. as long as i keep not eating it, everything will be ok.

zumba was a lot of fun today. several people dressed up, so i didn't feel out of place in my panda costume. we got apples and cereal bars as treats, and she did a zumba cd giveaway. there was a lot of energy in the room, and i worked at 100% of my ability. the difference between what i can do on sunday afternoon vs. saturday morning is remarkable. i'll just never be a morning person.

tomorrow i'm going back to my mean green juice. i needed a break because it was impossible to get down after a month or so. but this week is the final push before i leave for NYC with the band friday morning, and i am so determined to leave ohio 30 pounds lighter than i was at our last gig on labor day. i had been at only 3.5 pounds left to goal on friday morning. but after "the dressing incident" i now have to take off 5 pounds in 5 days. crapola.

i know it's not like i FAILED if i "only" lost 28 pounds...but i set this goal and i want to make it happen. if that means two trips to the Y every day this week, then so be it. if it means shaving my head and cutting off my fingernails, then that's what i'll do. ok, that was a lie.

i saw a post on the facebook page today that really grabbed my attention:

Day 8. Nine pounds. I woke up this morning with a feeling I couldn't immediately identify. It's something pretty foreign to me. I have spent my adult life (I'll bet like most of you) on one diet or another. I am a diet expert. It's the results part that have eluded me. I can stick to a diet like nobody's business, but that's hard to justify when the weight loss just doesn't come. Today I realized I'm feeling........hope.

i could have written this post myself. for only the second time in my life that i can remember, i feel like i might really succeed at getting to a healthy weight. and the other time i felt that kind of hope i was on the complete opposite path, on the atkins diet. this time i feel like i've got a healthier plan, and that gives me even MORE hope. 

and now i've got to get some sleep. the Y opens in 5 hours and 15 minutes, so the crazies will probably start lining up in about an hour. i'm smiling as i visualize myself breaking up the fitness friends again tomorrow morning!

Saturday, October 29, 2011


7:20am came too soon. i did NOT want to get out of bed for zumba and yoga. i never do, but today was worse. i tried to come up with excuses not to go, but at 7:40 i knew i had to work off last night's foodfest, so i went to the Y. normally once i'm there i'm fine and happy. today, not so much. i never really woke up. i pretty much half-assed zumba until the last 3 songs. i fell asleep during meditation in yoga. i heard her say "melt into your mat" and then "sit up when you're ready" and missed the 10 minutes between those statements. turns out that a common side effect of being pregnant with a food baby is sudden onset coma.

i came home and went back to bed. i spent the whole time shivering. no matter what i did, i couldn't get warm. for a little while i thought maybe i was getting sick. finally i went and dug out another blanket and i felt better.

got on the scale before and after my nap, and it was the same both times. up 1.5 pounds from yesterday morning. the tea had already done its job, so i couldn't tell myself it was THAT. could i have truly gained 1.5 pounds of fat from what i ate last night after 2 workouts and only about 150 other calories during the day? probably not, but it's still disheartening to see it on the scale. if i had the decision to make over again, i don't think i'd be able to change it though. i am powerless against that particular entree.

so tonight i had made plans to eat with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, PF changs. this was the compromise from his original suggestion of a pizza/pasta place. instead of reverting back to my old mentality of "well i have already screwed up this weekend, might as well live it up," i prepared myself. before i left i got on their website and reviewed the nutrition information for their menu. i entered all of the "diet friendly" entrees into my phone along with their calorie counts and servings per entree.

we had vegetarian lettuce wraps, which were 97% as delicious as the real deal. YUM, and totally worth the 320 calories, although for the life of me i can't figure out how there are 320 calories in that. for my meal, i had the steamed buddah's feast--baked tofu and mixed vegetables including asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, mushrooms and others - -55 calories, 0 fat. i skipped the rice and had sides of spinach stir fried with garlic (i ate half, for 25 calories and 1.5g fat) and sichuan asparagus -- asparagus wok fired with sichuan preserves, onion, chili flakes and garlic (i had half for 50 calories and 3g fat). not only did i leave there with my belly absolutely stuffed for only 420 calories...but my standard-american-diet eating friend tried all of my selections, loved them, and took home the leftovers that i didn't want to contend with.

if PF chang's wasn't 45 minutes away, i would eat that asparagus several times a week. and i have to hand it to this restaurant. they offer many of their selections in vegetarian variations, and they also have an extensive gluten free menu, which even includes a dessert. plus their regular desserts come in "minis," ranging from 180-220 calories. i had such a good time in such a nice restaurant, and i didn't have to feel left out or deprived. success.

i didn't have dessert at the restaurant, but i had whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top of my evening: i saw my stupid ex boyfriend, and he is a lot fatter and i am a lot skinner than the last time i saw his idiot face.

tomorrow zumba is at 4pm, so i should have no problem waking up for that. plus we get to wear costumes (i'm going to be a panda, duh), and we're doing the "thriller" dance AND we get healthy treats. FUN!

Friday, October 28, 2011

black friday

my day began at 4am when i woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. finally i decided i'd go to the YMCA when they opened at 5:30. i arrived at 5:25 to find the fitness crazies lined up at the door like black friday shoppers. when they got the signal from the front desk they rushed to beat the side door line to the keycard entry into the fitness center. 

i grabbed one of my favorite treadmills next to another lady. a few minutes later another woman took the one to my left. the women gave each other a look and shrug of the shoulders. obviously i was an outsider, an unforeseen divide between these workout buddies. they made a big show of talking to each other around me. 

i did my 5k training program, and it went well. this week i walk for 5 minutes, run for 90 seconds, walk for 90 seconds, run for 3 minutes, walk for 2 minutes, then repeat the run/walk intervals, finishing with a 5 minute cool down. 

came home and weighed myself. the scale was the same as yesterday. went back to bed for 2 hours. weighed myself. the scale was down 1.2 pounds. crazy. 

i spent the day thinking about the meal i was going to have tonight. i was 50/50 looking forward to it and dreading the idea of eating something that i knew would damage me. i kept my calorie intake at a minimum all day, then went back to the Y after work for a repeat performance of this morning's training session. it went even better, which made me feel good. 

then i came home and stuffed myself like a macy's balloon. i had a little bit of mashed potatoes and gravy, a smaller bit of cole slaw, and 14.6 pounds of dressing. i couldn't stop. i felt my pants get tight but it just tasted so fricking good! i broke a cookie in half, broke it in half again, and ate that bite. that was the point when i swear i felt my stomach rip apart.

i've spent the rest of the night carrying a food baby around in my stomach. i'm bloated and dying of thirst. i probably took in more sodium tonight than i have in the last 7 weeks combined. in one way it was worth it. i enjoyed it so much, and i felt like i worked hard to earn it with my 2 workouts. but feeling like i feel right now...i don't miss this. i truly feel like i've gained back all 27 pounds in one meal. i want it out of me. 

so...i let my zija "cleansing" tea steep for 30 minutes instead of 10, hoping it will grant me that wish in the morning.'s hoping my wish won't come true right in the middle of zumba. embare. i'd better take a spot near the door. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

blood battle

my top four fears are spiders, ghosts, tornadoes and aliens. after that comes needles. i tried to face my fear by getting a small tattoo several years ago. i hated the way it felt and now i hate the way it looks. experiment failed. so today there was a blood battle (blood drive competition) leading into a rivalry football game tomorrow night. each year i try so hard to psyche myself up to do it. every year i fail. i mean, my mom still has to go with me when i need blood drawn, if that tells you anything.

this story doesn't have a feel-good ending where i overcome the odds. i decided not to do it. a big part of that was that i've just felt a little run down the past couple of days, and i really needed to be able to get through my workout tonight. but when i was making a list of pros and cons, one of the pros was, "it might make me weigh a few ounces less." and THAT is how you know you're a scale addict, folks!

speaking of addictions, i got an iphone today around 4pm. went to zumba at 6 with every intention of doing c25k after. but i couldn't wait to get back to my phone and practically ran out of zumba when it ended. technically it wasn't c25k day anyway since i did it yesterday. but i'm trying to take fewer resting days than scheduled so i can finish the whole plan before the turkey trot.

since i worked out, and since i've been feeling a little weak, i had a meal after the gym--a vegan bean "burrito" i found in the organic section at giant eagle, and some rice with peach mango salsa. tomorrow night, i'll just tell you now, i'm having white bread, chicken, eggs and i'm not sure what else is in there. my mom's dressing (you may call it stuffing) is the highlight of thanksgiving. this year however, circumstances dictate that we have to go out for our meal. so my mom made it for tomorrow night's pre-game party at our house, and i'm going to have some. there are some things that you just can't fight. i'm still winning the war against the mcrib, but this's bigger than me. it is pre-made and in the fridge right now, and frankly i'm shocked that i'm not upstairs secretly baking a dish to eat tonight. THAT can be my victory. i honestly don't even care if i gain a pound. totally worth it.

oh..and please remind me that i said that when i'm crying on saturday because i gained a pound.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

life before 6am

today i did something i've never done in my life: i went to the gym before 6am.

i had to wake up early to help a friend get to work, so i figured i might as well make up for not being able to go to the gym last night. in my mind, i'd waltz right into the gym at 5:45 and have the run of the house. all of the finest freshly washed towels, pick of the best treadmills, peace and quiet.

holy hell, was i sadly mistaken.

that place is more of a madhouse at 5:45am than at 5:45pm. not only did i not have my pick of the BEST treadmills, i was relegated to the very WORST treadmill. the one that shocks you if your hands are sweaty when you check your heart rate. the one with not enough display options, so it switches back and forth, always lingering on the one you don't want to see at that moment. the one in the back row, too far to read the closed caption on the tv's. think steerage on the titanic, folks. but i powered through in my meager conditions and felt good about doing it before the break of dawn.

my plan was for that to be "last night's" workout, then to do another one after work today. heh. turns out four hours of sleep is not a motivator for a repeat appearance at the gym. i came home and blessed my family with my grumpiness instead! lucky them!

today i had a power struggle in my brain. it was the final day for our local farmer's market. they make these really amazing wood fired pizzas out of fresh, local ingredients. as far as pizza goes, these are as healthy as they come. but it is still flour, it's still some cheese, it's still a good 800 calories for the pie. BUT it was my final chance to have one until MAY! i fought with myself all day about it. in the end i decided i just could not bear to see the scale possibly go up instead of down tomorrow after the stellar week i've had. also my birthday is next week and i had previously requested my favorite meal: homemade meatloaf, mac and cheese, and pumpkin roll for dessert. but today i emailed my mom and called that off too. i just can't thwart momentum like this. i'm going to enjoy a special food treat on friday this week, so i have to sacrifice in some other areas.

so speaking of the scales.... i forgot to weigh last wednesday, so this is a 6 day total: 5.4 pounds! WOOT! that's an entire fat log in one week!  if i can lose 3.7 before next friday, i'll have met my 30 pound goal between labor day and the new york trip with the band. 9 days...that's less than half a pound a day. body don't fail me now!

now if just ONE person who doesn't have any idea i've been dieting would notice my weight loss, i'd feel like i'm really accomplishing something. i know i'm a fatass, but damn. 26.3 pounds and not one random comment? hmph.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

i'd like to thank the academy....

i have felt so good all week. it started with that shopping trip and has continued each day as the scale has been moving at a rapid pace. i am proud of myself, but there is no way i could do this without a cast of thousands. i realize that by trying to remember everyone to thank, i risk leaving someone out. but i'm going to try not to do that.

katelyn stroh - when you started couch to 5k last year it inspired me to try it too, and i was able to achieve my dream of running a 5k. while i have spent the year gaining and losing weight, doing that 5k made me believe i was capable of anything, and now i'm training all over again. you inspire me.

debbie hanchette - you have talked to me several times over the years about raw foods and juice. the evening we had dinner on your deck with melons, smoothies and guacamole, i realized that i could be stuffed full and never involve an unhealthy food. then as i started this, you were my biggest cheerleader. you gave me advice, and sent money with me to NYC to enjoy a vegan meal. you emailed me encouragement at my lowest and praise at my highest. i want you to be proud of me. you're one of the best people i've ever known.

veronica crawford and jodi mathews - i saw you writing to each other on facebook about fat, sick and nearly dead and decided to check it out.

mom - you have been great at supporting me without making me mad. ;-) when i was ready to quit after NYC your email kept me going. you were even pretty nice about the times when everything in the house was sticky with juice. your emails make me happy, and i totally need you on my side.

sally warner - another one of my biggest cheerleaders. sally has been helping me with my health and fitness since we first met in the spring. she teaches my zumba and yoga classes, and she's a great friend. sally, thank you for all of the encouragement and praise. thank you for dean! thank you for encouraging me to push past what i believe my limits to be. not wanting to let you down has been a motivator in times when i was ok with letting myself down. i can't say enough good about you OR the YMCA. that place is so much more than a gym. it's a family there.

michael alisiano - i work with michael, and in april he started an optifast liquid diet and has lost over 80 pounds. seeing the incredible shrinking man every day was amazing. then when i saw fat, sick and nearly dead and asked myself if i could be ok on just juice, i thought of michael. he seemed happy and well adjusted on his liquid diet, and his life was changing before my eyes. michael (mikey), if you hadn't done what you did, i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing. see you at zumba.

ONE - the band i work for got booked in NYC november 4th, and we made a pact to lose weight between labor day and november 4th. another source of inspiration.

the rebooters on facebook - wow. you guys have become such good friends. i spend WAY too much time each day reading and posting, and you all have helped me so much. the stories are inspiring. even when one of you stumbles it reminds me that we're human and that it's ok to stumble as long as you get back up. without you i'd be less inclined to keep doing this. you've made me feel like a leader, and i want to help keep us ALL motivated.

my blog readers - i can see the daily stats. 100 people a day, 200 people a day. netherlands, australia, united kingdom, russia, america. i have come to feel a sense of obligation to you. if i quit it might mean hundreds of others around the world will have less hope. and then the people YOU'RE inspiring will have less hope, and so on. knowing i'll have to confess my sins to all of you makes me less inclined to commit them.

if you're reading this then you're helping me, and i'm thankful for you. tomorrow morning is official weigh-in day. here's hoping for a number that keeps me a safe distance from mcrib for another day!

Monday, October 24, 2011

and it's not because i think my car is sweet....

well i've become one of those people. the type that park out at the end of the parking lot far away from everyone else. it's not because i'm protective of my car. rather it's because i've been abducted by aliens who probed my brain and sent me back to earth as the kind of girl who chooses to walk farther than necessary to burn off a few extra calories.

today i planned to go to the Y after work to do my 5k training. but throughout the day i lost motivation. i had trouble sleeping last night, only getting about 4 hours. i felt a little shaky and ick all day. i tried everything i could think of to talk myself out of going to the gym at the end of the day. but the next thing i knew, i was jogging on a treadmill.

tomorrow night i have band practice, which is normally one of my favorite places in the world to be. but this week i'm really annoyed that i have to miss zumba and yoga to be there.

what has happened to me? the balance of power has shifted. the fat used to control me, but now i am controlling the fat. i'm telling it where to go. remember the fat logs? i am less than a pound from having lost FIVE of them now.

my intent has been to go all-juice for the next 10 days. but for a variety of reasons, i haven't made that happen. i've been drinking organic juice (lakewood) and eating healthy foods. tonight i made the best dinner. kashi tlc pita crisps (click here for a $1.00 coupon), my new healthy snack addiction. then peach mango salsa, cucumber, and ah-maz-ing guacamole that i made. it's incredible how good something like this tastes, and what a treat it seems to be, compared with the way i used to eat. let's be honest, if i wasn't rebooting, odds are 10:10 that i would have had a mcrib, fries, pumpkin pie and peppermint mocha for my dinner tonight-- 1420 calories.

i have really been overwhelmed by the comments i've received from people this week telling me that i've inspired them. i'll touch on that a bit more tomorrow. tonight i just want to stress again that if i can do this, you can do this. i'm not even doing 100% juice anymore, and i'm still seeing great results. so if you ARE still fasting, you'll see even better results even faster. however you are reaching your goals, the important thing is to stay in control, and not to let losing a battle keep you from winning the war.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

this one's for scratch (and anyone on a budget)

a reader posted this comment on yesterday's blog entry: I immediately began seeing results and was so motivated. Then the reality of the cost of this made me stop. I found it to be very expensive! Would you mind sharing any tips on keeping the costs reasonable? 

i think i spent nearly $100 in my first few days of juicing, plus the cost of the juicer itself. i was really worried about how i would afford to keep doing this. but i learned and adapted along the way.

1. i bought too much produce starting out. i thought i would want to be uber-creative and have 3-4 different juices every day to keep things interesting. eventually i learned that i was fine with the same juice all day every day for a few days in a row. so much of what i bought the first week went bad before i could juice it because the produced netted more juice than i expected, and i dank less than i expected. when you stick to one or two recipes at a time, you tend not to over-buy.

2. watch for sales. i will go to 2 and sometimes 3 different stores to get what i need, depending on what i plan to drink. if aldi has a sale on lemons and carrots, i go there, and then hit giant eagle for kale and cucumbers. check the sale ads on sunday and then determine what you can juice that week for the lowest cost.

3. freeze it. if you get a great deal on something, make extra juice and freeze it for later. sure it's ideal if you can drink it right away. but the reboot nutritionist said it's fine to freeze it for up to a month. this can be a time saver, too. make a huge batch over the weekend and you don't have to touch your juicer again for a week!

4. i have a great farmer's market in my town. unfortunately, this will be the final week for that. i was also blessed to have many friends with gardens who gave me lots of overstock. i also read somewhere about someone who talks to the produce managers at her local stores, and they will sell her boxes of produce that are not fit for the shelves anymore. she juices them right away and freezes the juice--and gets a HUGE box of produce for $5.

5. i cheat. i have purchased a LOT of bottled juice at my local health food store. in place of "mean green," i drank bottles of lakewood juice's "lean green." i purchase a case at a time (6 bottles) to get a 10% discount, which makes them about $4 a bottle. a bottle plus some edamame or an apple, seeds and nuts will get me through my day, and i can't make a batch of mean green for $4. i also love the r.w. knudsen low sodium very veggie juice. i gently warm it in the microwave and eat it with a spoon like tomato soup. i could never make a juice this good, this easily for $4-$5. buying these bottled juices made my life so much easier. but be careful...i am so sick of "lean green" right now that i can't even force it down. use these to supplement, not as 100% of your juice.

6. i eat. if you've been following along at home, you know that i juiced for 18 days, then went to new york and ate the big apple. and the big thai meal. and the big cupcake. after that i never completely went back to long periods of juice only. but i have learned how to use healthy foods to supplement what i do with juice. except for the 2 weekends when i have completely let myself go, i have lost weight every single week on this modified plan. eating some simple raw foods like edamame, hummus or unsalted roasted sunflower seeds helps to fill me up, meaning i need less juice. sometimes i'll chop up an entire head of iceberg lettuce or a whole bag of baby spinach and mix it with a little bit of olive oil, then drench with red wine vinegar and top with the sunflower seeds. this is a huge meal that contains under 150 calories and costs under $2 to make.

7. i keep in mind what i used to spend on food. it was nothing for me to pick up a fast food lunch 5 days a week. subway cost $8 for a sandwich, sun chips and drink. wendy's was nearly $7 for the salad i loved. taco bell was $5 for the big beefy box. so that was $25-$40 a week just for lunch. not to mention snacks from the machine at work, a mid-afternoon run to mcdonald's for a $3 frappe or mocha. then the weekend would hit and i'd routinely be at dinner with friends, easily spending $30 on a meal, drinks and tip. i really think that on this plan i am probably saving money compared to the way i used to eat.

8. making other sacrifices to afford this diet will save me money in the long run. consider this paragraph from The annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man, according to George Washington University researchers. Being overweight, meanwhile, costs $524 for women and $432 for men. Driving up the price-tag are employee sick days, lost productivity, short-term disability, emergency room care, and even the need for extra gasoline. One reason the costs are higher for a woman? Past research suggests larger women earn less than skinnier women, while men's wages don't vary based on their weight, the study authors say. The report also averages in the economic value of lost life, since obesity can lead to earlier death—which brings the annual costs up further to $8,365 for women and $6,518 for men. 

did you hear that, ladies? our fatness is reflected in our wages! fat dudes can still get good jobs and hot chicks if they are smart and have decent personalities (or decent bank accounts). but fat chicks, no matter how smart or personable, just have a tougher time getting ahead. 

9. juice in-season. different fruits and vegetables fluctuate in cost depending on your geographic location. find out what's nearby and in season, then plan your juices around that quarterly. when i started juicing i could get cantaloupes bigger than my head for $1.50. now if i can find them at all they are small, hard, and $3-$4.

10. i don't have another tip, but who could leave a list at only 9 items? i guess i'd just say to try making a list of the things you spend money on, and see where you can cut back for awhile. if you smoke, now is a great time to quit and use that money for your health. if you buy coffee every day, pick up a box of herbal tea and drink that instead. as for me, i make my warm lemon water my morning beverage. if you drink alcohol, cut that out while juicing for obvious reasons. manis? pedis? unplanned shopping trips? top of the line shampoos and perfumes? food, clothes and shelter for your kids? ok, you can't skimp on that stuff. but just keep in mind that your life is worth splurging on.

i have read that the cost of juicing runs most people an average of $14 per day. that amounts to $840 in 60 days. i'd say i'm doing it for closer to $10 a day. which would be a lot of extra expense if i was still buying all of those lunches and frappes. but for me, it has not really been a hardship. if you can't afford the cost, try doing all juice just 3 days a week, and eating as healthy as possible the other days. this should still give you results.

if anyone has any other tips or questions, please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at good luck, scratch. hope this helps!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

i've crossed the line

last night i visited with a friend i hadn't seen in a few weeks. she kept saying, "i can't believe how much less of you there is!" i know i'm smaller, but i still don't feel like it's that noticeable. but she said, "you have crossed the line now. you used to be an overweight girl who was pretty. now you're a pretty girl with a few pounds to lose." ok, if by a few she means 40-50...but still, today i saw what she meant.

first of all, that picture you see is of size 16 old navy jeans, on my person, buttoned and zipped. do you know how long it's been since i bought a pair of size 16's? long enough that i don't even have them anymore. i gave up on ever being that size again. plus when i WAS that size, it was such a brief time that i probably only had 2 pairs of jeans anyway. now in the interest of full disclosure, these 16's definitely muffin-top me, and i won't be wearing them in public anytime soon. they are my new "inspiration" jeans, since all of my old inspiration jeans fit again. plus they were on sale for $17 and i figured i should snag them now before they're $30 again.

as i shopped today, i felt different. when i'd see my reflection in a store window or in the fitting room mirror, i didn't want to cry. instead of seeing how far i have to go, i could see how far i have come. when i was looking through the racks of clothes, i didn't feel like people were looking at me thinking, "do they even sell her size here? she must be shopping for a gift for someone else." i even tried on a coat at old navy that was too big, and they didn't have the next size down so i couldn't get it. really can't tell you the last time i couldn't buy something because they didn't have it one size SMALLER.

i took this picture of me in the fitting room. like i said, the jeans are the highway to muffin top city. but other than that, i don't hate the body in this picture. this girl looks kinda normal. and i can see the potential here when another 25 pounds come off. that will be life changing stuff...and bank account depleting stuff, because i don't know how i'll be able to stop myself from buying every single cute thing that fits me.

today is the reason why i didn't eat the 6 day old pizza. and it's the reason why i got out of bed this morning at 7:30 and worked out at the gym for 90 minutes. i actually had some pizza last night. brand new, hot, delicious pizza. 2 small pieces. and after i got home from the gym this morning, i weighed less than i did yesterday. that is how you eat pizza...occasionally and in a small helping. then you exercise it away. emotionally i am HAPPY that i had that pizza last night. but imagine how i would have felt if i'd finished that box of gross leftover pizza just because i was sad and bored.

so this is me on september 5th, two days before i started my reboot. this was the day i ate a milkshake, mexican for lunch, japanese for dinner and a blizzard to top it off. i remember thinking i looked really pretty that day. then i saw this picture on facebook and almost cried. now i'm so thankful this picture is there because i have something to remind me of why i'm doing this.

i had every intention of writing a blog last night, but got too sleepy. the subject was going to be how i found out "mcrib is BACK" at mcdonald's and how they have peppermint mochas and pumpkin pies are 2 for $1, and how hard this would make my life. but today....i don't care. if i want a mcrib, i'll have one, not three. not with fries and a shake. but i probably won't have one because it can't possibly taste as good as it felt to come home with a pair of size 16 jeans today. look out, 14's...i'm coming for you next.

now if i could only find a store with an iphone 4s in stock, this would be the best day ever.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

STEP#5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

this leftover pizza (not mine) is in the refrigerator, and it's all i can think about. what the hell is my problem? it's SIX days old. it can't even be good anymore! but there's a little demon in my brain saying, "go eat it all, eat it in the darkness while everyone is sleeping and it will be our secret. say you threw it away and they will never know." i swear i need an AA type sponsor, i'm a fricking addict. so this blog post is my step #5, admitting to God, to myself and to my blog readers that i am a big fat idiot. i want this nasty, dried up, grease-laden pizza in my belly. and i want to wash it down with ice cream and doritos. and then to be entirely honest, i want to stick my finger down my throat and throw it all up, because i want to eat it but i don't want it to count. sigh.

but i won't do any of that. i just had a few pistachios to shut my stomach up. i had some tomato juice today and some carrot juice. some soybeans and some black beans. a few pita chips, an apple. it's a mixed bag for me right now. i really want to do a week of all juice, but it just got so....gross. and it's a LOT of work to make juice, as most of you know. but my original reason for starting this, the trip to NYC, is only 2 weeks away. if i could juice for a straight week i could probably drop another 7 pounds. but...ugh.

many asked if i had any effects today from last night's pepper disaster. my face and eyes were fine. i opened up new contacts, because i was afraid the pepper would never come off of the ones i had in last night, and i wasn't about to find out the hard way. although based on what i've read tonight, saline would have taken care of it because salt is one of the few things that the oil can bond to. live and learn. i do think i suffered what amounts to a chemical burn on my thumb. whenever i touched something warm today, it felt like it had been burned on a hot stove. when i took a hot bath tonight (sore muscles from last night's training session), it KILLED. at least i hope it's from the pepper because webMD says it could be anything from thyroid disease to rabies. wonderful.

i do have to say that even though i'm still about 40-50 pounds from my ultimate goal, i am happy with my progress. tonight i told my mom that since january 2010 i have lost 60 pounds. unfortunately it has been the same 20 pounds 3 different times. this time i HAVE to keep going instead of gaining it back and starting over. this weekend an old friend i haven't seen in almost a year is coming to town and wants to get together. while i wish i was going to be a surprise knockout and a size 8, i'm glad i know that i weigh 7 pounds less than the last time i saw him. hopefully the next time i'll be that size 8. so hear you me, demon. six day old leftover pizza is not the way to get into tiny pants. let's just go to sleep instead.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

it looked like a good, big, healthy snack

just 10 minutes ago i was in the midst of a terrible trauma, people! let's back up about 30 minutes. i was really hungry, and i hadn't eaten/drank much today considering the way i worked out. a zumba friend had given me some lovely peppers, and i had some nice organic roasted red pepper hummus. i sliced up one of the "hot" peppers too and took a bite. wasn't bad at all.

but as i ate, my lips started to burn. not so much i couldn't stand it, but enough to feel "plump." i switched to the carrots and grapes and left the rest of the peppers behind.

then i reached for a makeup cleansing cloth from my gym bag, and that's when the trouble began. either the pepper oil was on my hands and went through the cloth, or i smeared it from my lips up onto the rest of my face. suddenly my eyes were on FIRE, along with the rest of my face. i blindly made my way to the bathroom where i decided i needed to pull out my contacts. mistake # 3. the pain was so intense it honestly crossed my mind that i might end up blind. i grabbed a cool washcloth and that didn't help much. with eyes closed i found a handful of cotton balls and made my way into the kitchen where without opening my eyes i managed to pour some milk into a cup. then i soaked the cotton balls in it and applied to my face and eyes. this cooled me enough to be able to open my eyes and then clean off my milky face. when i got back to the bathroom i found out that i had succeeded in removing my contacts which were stuck to the floor, and that i appeared to have just had a chemical peel. as i write this i have a cooling masque on my face.

i'm sure you'll understand that after suffering that much, i totally deserved one bite of delicious peanut butter ice cream. you know, just to cool off my mouth. heh.

to make things worse, this was the second bodily harm i suffered today! as mentioned, i had an appointment with a personal trainer tonight. i now officially know that i would not survive a day on the biggest loser ranch. he definitely pushed me, but he didn't scream obscenities at me a'la jillian michaels. parts of my body hurt that i didn't even know existed. my entire shirt was soaked except for the lovely outline of my sports bra. hot. while i don't think i could ever work that hard again, i also want to hire this guy to put me through the wringer every week. it's that love/hate pleasure/pain thing you get from a great workout.

when i got home from that, i actually weighed a pound less than i did this morning. which puts me back in milestone territory. as i mentioned last night, friday had been a big day. i finally hit my first goal, then soared back past it over the weekend. i've now lost 5.1 of the 5.5 pounds i gained over the weekend. whew. off to the races.

the title of tonight's blog was said in the voice of the rock biter from one of my favorite movies of all time, the never ending story. such a sad scene. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


well i've been MIA for a few days. originally just because it was such a busy weekend. but last night i just couldn't bring myself to face all of you.

on friday morning i hit that major milestone. the scale was in a place i've wanted it to be in for a LONG time. it lasted about 12 hours.

i was so busy on friday i didn't have much time to eat. well, any time. i didn't eat or drink anything all day. i had to help set up a fundraiser after work, so on the way i ran through wendy's drive thru and got a side salad with low-calorie dressing. but a few hours later i found myself at a little party with my girlfriends. cheese and trail bologna (a local delicacy), spinach quiches, chicken salad on croissants, bite sized pumpkin pies, salt and vinegar chips...should i go on? i ate like a PIG. i mean there was CHEESE, people.

the next morning i went back to the event i was working at. i started out with a banana for breakfast. well then i spotted these treats that i love...a hershey kiss melted on a pretzel with an m&m on top. i had about 7 of them. after that, the diet was OFF. i had to take a group of people to dinner at an italian restaurant, and i had cheese sticks, bread, a salad, a meatball and gnocchi. on sunday i had beans, rice and a taco at a mexican restaurant, and an egg white and cheese on flatbread from subway. argh. monday morning the scale was up 5.5 pounds. now i know i ate a lot of crap, but i didn't eat enough calories to come out to 5.5 pounds! today i had dropped 2 of those. but that still leaves me 3.5 pounds over the weight i was on friday morning.

so i worked out hard tonight. i did run/walk intervals on the treadmill, i went to zumba and yoga, then i did weights and crunches. tomorrow night i have an appointment with a personal trainer, a gift from my good friend sally at the YMCA. i did eat some food today. i am not sure when or if i can get back to strict juice. i just need a minute to evaluate everything. today i ate edamame, cucumber, green pepper, pistachios, hummus and black bean dip. keeping it low-cal, low-fat and meat free. i will make some juice this week and use that too, but i just don't see me going 18 days without food again. we will see.

i'm sorry, i feel like a terrible influence on those of you who were looking to me for inspiration during a juice fast. i have failed over and over again. but that doesn't mean you have to. if anything, learn the lesson from me that once you "slip up" it becomes all too easy to do it over and over again. and as much as i enjoyed the food i ate over the weekend, if you had asked me if it was worth 5.5 pounds, i would have said hell no.

tomorrow is another day. sigh.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

sleepy panda

the reason i called this blog "pandamonium" is because my best friend and i call each other "panda," and i am obsessed with these most adorable creatures on earth. i'd give anything to hold a baby panda or hug a grown up panda! so anyway...i am a sleepy panda tonight, thus, this will be brief.

i am going to weigh myself in the morning because i am THISCLOSE to my first major milestone. 3/10ths of a pound will put me there. i worked out hard tonight. i did w1d2 (week 1 day 2) of c25k (couch to 5k, and this is the last time i will explain those abbreviations), then i went to zumba, then i did weights, kettlebells, and crunches on the balance ball. by the time i got home after 8 i was in no mood for juicing. so i threw some baby spinach on a plate, drizzled some extra virgin olive oil on top, then gave it a bath in red wine vinegar. i topped it off with unsalted roasted sunflower seeds and proceeded to scarf like a little piggy.

tomorrow begins the weekend of challenges. if the scale is good to me in the morning it will really help me get through it! i hope my fellow juicers had a good day. keep doing it...and if you feel like you have to eat, that doesn't mean you have to eat a pizza. i will grab a meal like tonight's, an apple, some carrots. you'll be amazed at what a treat those things are when you're 30+ days into this thing. if you have a serious craving, tell yourself you can have it tomorrow if you still want it. and then tomorrow, tell yourself the same thing. before you know it, you'll be to the end of your fast.

ok, it is bedtime for little pandas. sweet dreams.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

what do you want to talk about tonight?

for once, i'm kind of at a loss for words. today was uneventful. i struggled once again. my juice is just not going down easily. i need new juice, and it's my fault for not making it happen. i'm being a lazy juicer/produce buyer. i laid around all evening and ended up eating an apple whole. i also stopped at the farmer's market after work and had a nibble on their super special harvest meal, prepared by local chefs. they had butternut curry soup! holy cow. i'd had plans to make butternut soup tonight anyway. i should have taken its picture for the blog, but i was in too big of a hurry to hog it down after only having one small cup of juice all day. i need to get my act together, people.

this morning was my weigh-in. i only lost 2 pounds this week. but if you've been following along at home, you know all of the crap i ate. melt on friday, pizza and beer on saturday. i had the farmer's market pizza last wednesday. a pistachio binge on monday. so i'm pretty happy with 2 pounds. i'm SO close to my first big goal. hopefully tomorrow or the next day. the last time i weighed what i weigh now was july, 2010.

oh, i can talk about the upcoming weekend. i am a board member for a scholarship pageant, which is saturday. friday night is set-up and then the board goes to my favorite local italian restaurant. i am skipping that and going to my friend's house instead. saturday though....they bring in awesome doughnuts and pastries for breakfast. plus on my way there i'm picking up a dozen cupcakes from THE cupcake place i mentioned on my mom's birthday. for lunch, wendy's sends a bunch of free food over. then it's my actual job to take all of the judges back to the favorite italian place for another free meal. then after the pageant, everyone goes to applebees. plus backstage is filled with cookies and candy all weekend. on sunday i am going to hang out with a friend, and i'm pretty sure food is supposed to be involved. i can dodge a lot of this. the thing is, i won't WANT to. does anyone else have a weird hangup when the food is free? i was never super privileged, but i never starved as a child either. however, for some reason i have the hardest time passing up a free meal. would it cross my mind ever to go through wendy's drive thru right now? not a chance. but when they bring in the free burgers and fries, i will really feel like i'm missing out. what is the deal? it's like a $4.00 meal. i have 10x that much money just in CHANGE in my car. it's not like i need to hoard free food.

i did arrange to go late to the event on saturday morning so i can go to zumba first. and on sunday i told my friend i have to be home by 4 for zumba. so i'm committed to the exercise, but having to say "no" to SIX different "special occasions" in ONE weekend is going to be tough. i could use all the support i can get.

just gotta keep thinking about how things will be if i can drop another 20 pounds. we're talking whole new wardrobe. squeal!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

me + c25k = together again

from a juice/exercise standpoint, today was good. this morning i thought back on all of the crap i managed to sneak into my mouth this past week, and realized today was my final chance to make the scale move AT ALL when i weigh-in tomorrow. not so much as one soybean went into my mouth today. it was all juice and water.

i have two secret weapons that i will reveal to you now. you've earned it by sticking with my blog this long. 1) the first thing i drink every morning is a cup of warm water with a generous squeeze of lemon juice in it. i get about 3 days out of one lemon if that helps you with the size of the squirt. lemons can do all sorts of amazing things in our bodies, but this day-starting beverage will get your digestive system going, which will kick your metabolism into gear. it's also a great warm beverage if you are trying to kick a coffee habit. i have come to look forward to it very much. 2) my second secret weapon stems from the last thing i tried to lose weight: zija. odds are good you've heard of it, and i won't get into what it is, does, costs, etc. but one component of the zija system is a detoxifying tea that you drink before bed, then in the morning you go to the potty. i used to sell zija and still have my distributorship, so i decided to try adding this tea to my juice diet. it works SO well. 3-4 nights a week i have a cup and always see a great loss the next morning. i can order it for anyone who is interested, but i would guess that your local health food store would have a comparable product.

so today i started my day with the warm lemon water, then i had some green juice through the day, along with about 2 liters of water. i hated my green juice today, i really did. one of the hardest parts of this diet is finding a juice you like, then not getting burned out on it. 3 weeks ago i loved this juice, now i can barely stand the sight, taste or smell of it. time to switch things up a bit. tonight i made a recipe i saw on the reboot facebook page. someone posted that they juiced butternut squash, sweet potato, green onions, and red bell peppers; added garlic, tumeric, and paprika; gently warmed and served as soup. she said it was good enough to serve to non-juicers. hmmm. it was decent enough that i was able to eat a big bowl of it tonight. but i don't think anyone would be interested that didn't HAVE to eat it. i would like to get her exact recipe, because i was just guessing on amounts. i felt like it was overly starchy and more sweet than savory, which i didn't expect.

i also worked out tonight, biggest loser last-chance-workout style. for many years, my goal was to run a 5k. last august i started the couch-to-5k program that starts you out running for 60 seconds at a time and progresses you to 30 minutes of running in 9 weeks. i ran my first 5k on thanksgiving day 2010. i did 3 more after that, then quit running over the summer. i wasn't sure i would get back together with running this fall. but tonight i went to the Y an hour before zumba and started back at the beginning of C25K, and it went beautifully. i was sweating like a beast, but i felt great. i think i can be ready in time for the turkey trot. even if i am not at the point of running 3 miles, i'll be able to do a run/walk combo. after that i went through my weight and kettlebell exercises. then i went to zumba where i crashed. i wanted to work HARD and i just could not make my body do it. i have never been that incapable before. sometimes i am lazy and don't work hard, but tonight i was giving it everything i had, and my body was barely responding. i was starting to wonder if i should go buy a gatorade or something, because i felt awful. but after zumba i went to yoga, which is a great way to relax, and after that i was fine. 

so i'm hoping that my day of juice, water and exercise will push the scale just a little tomorrow, after a tragic week of shoving crap into my mouth. i had the chance to reach a big milestone this week, and i blew it. but if i can get close tomorrow, then it should only take another day or two to get there.

of COURSE another hard weekend is coming up with special occasions. i have come to realize that my whole life seems to be a special occasion. but more on that later.

if you are interested in the couch-to-5k program, start here: couch to 5k website

Monday, October 10, 2011

i've been published

hello, and i apologize for my silence. it was a crazy hectic weekend, and i just needed a break from thinking! but while i've been gone, something cool has happened. i have become a staff member for delicious voices magazine. editor benjamin micah asked me to write my reboot story and to provide regular updates. so starting with this missive, my blog posts will be copied to the delicious voices website as well as posted here. you can find my introductory post by clicking here.

the news of my post going live couldn't have come at a better time. i learned of it as i was laying in my bed, contemplating going to the store for hummus and pita chips. today has been rough. it's not hard to figure out why...i've been away from juice again. on friday i went to "melt." i did good by one set of standards, terrible by another. all day i told myself "get a salad." then i got there and saw and smelled the food. it's truly my favorite restaurant in the world, and it's 90 minutes from home. so it's not like i get there weekly. so i ordered my favorite sandwich. BUT...i only ate half of it, and i sent the other half home with my friend as to not be tempted on saturday. i didn't get fries, but oh how i wanted them! i did take about 3 bites of pumpkin cheesecake, too. oh, and i had a cocktail--the drunken pumpkin. of everything i consumed, i regret that the most. it tasted good, but it didn't do much for me. i would have been content with water.

on saturday i bought 12 gourmet cupcakes and didn't eat any of them. i bought food at bob evans and delivered it to a friend. i stood strong. then i went out with a friend from cleveland and ended up with 3 beers, 2 (small) slices of pizza and 5 pieces of fried broccoli in my belly. IDIOT. none of it was amazing, none of it was worthwhile. i loathed myself for it.

on sunday i decided to ease back into juice by eating vegan. i had some chickpeas in curry sauce, some carrots, and lettuce in olive oil and red wine vinegar. so all in all, my total food consumption for the entire 3 days probably was less than i used to eat in one day. but after juicing, this was a major deviation from the plan, and one i'm not proud of--especially saturday. i did go to zumba saturday morning and sunday afternoon. but this morning i was still up 8/10 of a pound from friday.

so as it will always be after straying, today was a rough day. first of all i didn't enjoy my juice, pure carrot juice. i should have mixed it with some oranges. then i came home to the scent of barbecue ribs slow roasting in the crock pot and i swear i felt my heart break. i had every intention of going to walk or work out, but ended up hiding in my room, napping and feeling sad. i "pigged out" on some pistachios, then felt sad some more. then i started hardcore fantasizing about me and a container of hummus and bag of garlic pita chips...

and that's when benjamin posted my story on delicious voices, and i read what i wrote when i was on a juice and weight loss high last week, and it renewed my faith in myself. a friend on the reboot fb page has survived not one, but TWO canadian thanksgiving dinners in the past 2 days, and she hasn't caved. i have willpower like that inside of me, i just need to dig it back out and stop making excuses.

tomorrow is a new day, and it WILL be an all juice day. i have zumba and yoga in the evening, so i have a chance to work off some of these mistakes. i have to remember i'm on a journey, not in a race. there will be times when i deviate, but it doesn't have to mean the trip is over. now i'm not only responsible to myself, but also to the people i'm hoping to inspire through this blog, on facebook and now via delicious voices. thanks to benjamin for the opportunity. it's one more weapon in my arsenal against failure.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

melt happens.

sorry folks, i had to show you what i'm up against tomorrow. remember my blog when i said "sometimes melt happens?" well melt is happening tomorrow night. my friend's boyfriend owns this incredible establishment (oft featured on the food channel), and tomorrow night is the grand opening of their third location. it was an invitation i couldn't refuse. i love sunny and matt, i love melt, and i happened to need an impressive destination tomorrow evening anyway. so...melt it is. now, i won't be eating the westside monte cristo pictured above, with its honey ham, smoked turkey, swiss and american cheese...battered and fried, sprinkled with powdered sugar and served with mixed berry preserves. (OMG!!!) i may opt for a salad....but more than likely i'll have a "kindergarten" sandwich. you pick your own cheese and toppings, and i can keep it vegetarian. they also have vegan options, so maybe i'll experiment. i'll let you know. i'm not even gonna lie though...they have pumpkin sprice bread pudding this month and i'm pretty sure it's gonna be in my belly by this time tomorrow.

so enough about tomorrow, how was my day today? fantastic. the scale didn't move, which was good considering the pizza and grilled squash from the farmer's market. perfect. i busted my ass at zumba tonight. i'm not sure what has gotten into me, but i've found a level of energy this week i haven't had in a long time. right now every piece of clothing i own is clean AND put away. my clothes for tomorrow are laid out, and i even have my gym bag packed already... for saturday.  i've been waking up every morning before my alarm goes off. not that i'm extra motivated to get OUT of bed when i'm all warm and comfy and not at work. but this morning i thought to myself, "i can't wait to see what i'm going to wear today!" it's like having a whole new wardrobe now that some things fit comfortably again.

i measured myself this morning. later i was measured again at the Y, but i don't remember those numbers. based on my own measurements, i have lost 8 inches (over 7 measurements) since september 22nd. a total of 20.5 inches since starting on september 7th. i have just now arrived back to the point i was at in may 2010. since then i have lost and gained the same 15-20 pounds over and over again. this time i have to keep going, or i might as well give up forever. ha, kind of funny to say that just below the confession that i'm going to eat a meal tomorrow. but trust me, i'll make up for it with exercise. i have 3 more zumba sessions and 2 yogas classes between the meal and the next weigh-in.

oh! exciting news. i wrote an article about my juicing experience for an online magazine called "delicious voices." they posted on the reboot facebook page that they were looking for someone, and i talked to the editor and now it's a done deal.

i guess that's all i really have to say tonight. i am really excited for the upcoming weekend, there are a lot of fun activities planned. if i don't write until sunday night, forgive me.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

four fat logs

hello, loyal readers! if you'll take a look at yesterday's entry, you'll see a photo of a 5 pound "fat log." i have now lost about 4 of those on the reboot juice fast. this morning's weigh-in was jaw-dropping. 6.6 pounds! in one week! and i ate food at the tailgate party on saturday! i don't understand how it happened, but i'm happy for it. that means i lost the 4 i wanted to lose each week, plus the 1.8 i gained in NYC, plus almost another whole pound. this makes me feel MUCH better about the NY trip. it really only cost me 3 pounds instead of 6.

i want to sincerely thank everyone who encouraged me when i got back from that trip, and i was ready to give up. in those first days of last week, i kept going for those people more than for myself. my heart wasn't in it, but i didn't want to let anyone down. now i feel unstoppable. remind me to read this entry the next time i'm upset and ready to quit!

tonight on my way to a meeting i saw a paraglider soaring over a field near the highway. it reminded me of a goal i have had since college: i want to go skydiving. but there is a weight restriction on that activity, and i have never in my adult life qualified. i'm not that far away now. if i make it in time this fall, i will go. if not, i will be there the first possible day this spring. what a great way to say goodbye to the old me, when that day comes.

i did eat a little bit of food today. my morning was super hectic and by 11 i still hadn't had my "day starting" lemon juice in warm water, let alone a real juice. by 5pm i'd barely managed to consume any calories. i went to the farmer's market to get some produce for the weekend and ordered some food from the grill. they use all organic, fresh ingredients from local market vendors. YUM. i had some grilled squash with fresh salsa to dip it in, and some wood fired margarita pizza with beautiful mozzarella, olive oil and basil. i felt a little bit guilty about the pizza, but it wasn't your run of the mill domino's type. this pizza was made in front of my eyes with locally produced foods from the people at the market. it was a wonderful treat, and even if i gained a whole pound, i'm good with that.

tomorrow is zumba, and i'm excited! and friday contains something that's both great and terrible, but i will tell you about that tomorrow. i alluded to it in a past post with an ooey gooey photo...

also, i want to thank samantha for telling me today that this blog inspired her yesterday. knowing that helps ME stay on track. thank you, and to those of you reading all over the world, thank you for sharing in my journey. i'll leave you with the geographical breakdown of this week's readers. it made my heart feel warm.

United States
United Kingdom
one final thing: heartfelt sympathy for the family of steve jobs tonight. this technological genius changed the world i grew up in, for the better.  

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

some unknown number of days left

ok. i don't know how many days are left now. some say i shouldn't have added on days when i went to NYC. and this was originally set to end when i go back to NYC the first weekend in november with the band i work for. if that's the target, i have 30 days left. but the longer i do this, the more i know i'm going to have days where i just eat. special occasions, that type of thing. i will do my best to keep it healthy, moderate, infrequent. but it's how i operate. also i don't see me just throwing juice out the window at "the end." there is no end. i want this to be a part of my life forever now. so i'm going to drop the countdown and just "go with it."

so. about today. IT ROCKED. first of all, i couldn't help myself, and i got on the scale a day early. but i'm not telling you until after tomorrow's official wednesday weigh-in. let's just say it made me go "woot-woot!" then, i dressed for work in "real" clothes. i didn't rock my usual hoodie, jeans and kicks. today was dress pants, nice shirt, heels, matching jewelry, and painted nails. my boss said i looked "striking." i felt so good all day. for the first time in a long time i didn't wear a "fat sucker" under my clothes. i didn't muffin-top out of my pants.

since it's zumba day, i treated myself to edamame for lunch. i like having the protein and sodium boost before a workout. i read on the facebook page that one of our friends had a seizure during her juice fast because she was drinking too much water and not taking in enough sodium, so i salted up my soybeans generously. and i don't know if it was the edamame, my good day, or both, but i rocked it pretty hard at zumba and yoga. i felt like i had more energy, more flexibility. and when i did forward bend and downward dog in yoga, my top belly (i have two) didn't push "the girls" up into my face to suffocate me like usual. trust me boys, that's not as much fun as it may seem.

when i got home i was putting some laundry away, and i came across a dress i forgot i had. i tried it on early in the summer and it didn't quite fit, but i really liked it. several months later i saw it was 80% off and even though it still didn't fit, i bought it for $9 just in case i ever lost weight. so tonight i tried it on and it fit! it actually looks pretty great, and i'm going to wear it out this weekend. saturday night a friend from cleveland is coming to town, and she's a total fashionista. i always feel like such a frumpy mcfrumperton around her. well now in this dress, i'll still feel like a large marge (she weighs about 110) but not a frumpster!

it's amazing how in the past few days i have really started to notice so many changes in my body. it's like i crossed some line and now things are moving around and changing. this picture is a person holding 5 pounds of body fat. i have lost more than 3 of those fat logs. and i want to lose about 10 more of them.

this afternoon a friend texted me that she was miserable because her husband bought her some sexy undergarments, and she couldn't get them up over her hips. she said she was "overflowing out of her pajama jeans like a toilet the morning after wing night." i truly felt her pain. i have had SO many more days like hers than days like my own. i hope i can inspire her. i also know that when a close friend succeeds at something you're struggling with, it can cause resentment. i wouldn't blame her if she felt a bit of that, so i have to try to encourage without flaunting.

i know a lot of people reading this are just starting on their juice fasts. all i can say is to hang in there. if you can get through that first week, and then the frustrations, some hunger, some sadness, all sorts of feelings....then you will eventually get to a place where the way you feel is so worth the difficult path you've chosen. keep doing it. i wanted to quit too and some close friends and family said DON'T QUIT. and that was just a week ago. look at the difference between this week and last week for me. you can get here too. but you won't get anywhere if you give up. don't quit.

Monday, October 3, 2011

37 days left

today was a good day. drank my juice, did my job, felt pretty great. after work i had $10 in kohl's cash to spend, so i went shopping. i bet i tried on 20 different things. for the first time in awhile, i didn't want to lay down and die in the fitting room. not everything fit, but none of it was too far off. i could see my very near future in these clothes, and it really got me excited. i desperately want to walk into ANY store and know that their clothes will fit.

i know that if i get to a certain size, i'm going to buy WAY too many clothes. i'm still in that mindset of "if it fits, buy it." my style will go from hoodies to couture overnight! it's not been a case of me having no sense of style, it's been the problem of finding stylish clothes in biggie girl sizes. the clothing world assumes we just want elastic waistbands and jersey cotton. booooo. i am pretty, pretty, pretty excited to buy something from express, because i've never in my life had the opportunity. for all i know, that store doesn't even exist anymore.

for now, these are still future dreams. but based on how i look, feel and what i've seen on the scale, if i can keep juicing a majority of the time, i'll be there shortly into the new year.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

38 days left

wow, it's really incredible for me to see a number in the 30's for days left! and a couple of rebooters have told me i should view my NYC eating as a slip up and not to add those extra days onto the end. using that math, i'm at 34 days left. i'm sure i will have other treats here and there, so i'm not sure WHEN i will stop juicing. i may decide to go through november juicing during the weeks and eating on the weekends. i'm not thinking that far ahead yet.

anyway....i didn't write last night because i was exhausted after a long day in columbus for the ohio state game. i had a blast. and i DID eat some food at the tailgate party. but today i have spent the day resting and cleansing, re-setting my body for the upcoming week of juice. i am ok with this. i had fun, i enjoyed the day without feeling sad, deprived, hungry, etc. but unlike NY, i didn't use it as some excuse to go "hog wild" while i was off the wagon. when i got home last night i didn't eat anything in the kitchen like oreos, cupcakes, cheese, etc. my mind is in a great place still.

that picture up there makes me happy. i don't look as enormous in it as i have in some other pictures taken just a month ago. i even allowed this to be tagged on facebook, and normally i keep facebook to face ONLY.

if you are a rebooter, there is a facebook group that you should join. the reboot forums are such a mess with the broken links to older posts and whatnot. this is a true community where you can see all of the posts and interact with other rebooters. it's a very inspirational group of people!

time for sleeping. i hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!