i'm the worst!

i should be posting this big introspective year in review type of post as we go into the final day of 2013, but i'm too busy and too tired! maybe i'll do that on the 1st. just wanted to let you know i was able to meet both goals for tops! i lost after christmas, therefore getting an elf charm. AND i lost 2.75, exactly what i needed to hit 80 pounds so i'll get that charm next week. I AM STOKED! i lost an perfect average of 10lb per month every month of tops.

not a bad way to end the year.

night, loves.

woah!

i'm waiting for my brother to get to my house to go see a movie, and i was killing time by reading my blogs from the past month. i have learned a couple of things.

1. i need to write even when i feel ashamed and unhappy. that's just as real a part of this process as the success, and people can learn as much (or more) from my failures than my successes, including me.

2. despite my roller coaster and the guilt and bad feelings, i declare the holidays a success.

having written about all of the crap i ate at christmas parties, thanksgiving leftovers, cookie trays, entertaining at my house, christmas eve and day.... i can see that i really indulged in holiday food. but i'm going to make a bold statement here: i don't think i OVER indulged. some would say ANYTHING off the plan is a failure. but here i sit today, december 28th, and i weigh slightly less than i weighed when i woke up thanksgiving morning (166.4 today vs. 166.6 that day). i ate cookies, chips, breads, caramel corn, stuffing, chowder, martinis, creme brulee. cheesy potatoes, candy, clandestine thanksgiving leftovers.... too many things to count. and i ALSO worked my butt off each week to try to reverse the consequences of those decisions. and so here i sit 3 days after christmas, and i weigh less than when the madness began. i didn't make all good decisions, but i didn't make all terrible ones either. for the first time i didn't fall victim to "while i'm being bad, i will be VERY bad."

of course i wish i had lost 10 pounds this month instead of staying the same. but i also got to enjoy the extravagance of the season with my friends and family with no harm done. and now january looms ahead, and i can double down and go at this with the gusto i had pre-thanksgiving. hopefully being at or very close to my 100 pound goal by st. patrick's day. if not by then, then by april 22nd, my one-year anniversary of starting this new lifestyle. i have NEVER lasted a year on a diet before.

thank you for sticking by me and supporting me when i needed it. it has truly taken a village to make this morbidly obese girl only "overweight" in 2013. thank you.

momentum.

today was a good day. i feel like my old self again. my pre-thanksgiving self. my full-of-willpower self. i've been semi-fat fasting, predominantly with HWC (heavy whipping cream) in coffee. the past two nights i have had some salad with bacon, cheese, almond slivers and dressing. sorry, but this girl needs something to chew! today someone brought two AMAZING looking pizzas to my office. one was a buffalo chicken pizza with blue cheese, celery, cheddar and buffalo sauce. the other was loaded baked potato with potatoes, chives, bacon, cheddar, sour cream and ranch. if i had a good streak going of good behavior and losses, this would have been a "three bite rule" occasion. but after christmas, i don't deserve one bite, let alone three. so it bothered me, but it didn't crush me. after work i went to the gym and it felt good. i used to need my ipad or kindle to distract me while i ran so i didn't dwell on the time left. but now i can run and listen to music and just be content in my own head. at one point there were guys on either side of me and all three of us were running, and it felt pretty cool. i didn't feel like the fat girl at the gym, i just felt like one of the people working out at the gym with everyone else. 

i'm back to 166.4. i was 165.8 after tops on monday, so i'm sooooo close to being back to my weigh-in weight. then i just need to lose a bit more by monday night to get that elf charm and finish 2013 with a loss at every single weigh-in. 

my weekend of solitude is starting to fill up a bit. tomorrow evening my girlfriends want to get together. initially we discussed going to someone's house for snacks and beers. "snacks" are my downfall. when we're all around a table laughing and grazing, it's so hard for me. i suggested going out. i can be just as happy with my girls and just drink diet soda. but on sunday i'm going to hang out with a friend i haven't seen over a year, so i really can't be like "come to my house and we won't eat." there's a great asian fusion place around the corner, so i am thinking we can go there and i can have the seared tuna which should be next to nothing, along with some pieces of sashimi. i just looked at the menu and started to get sad about all of the delicious sushi i can't have, so let's talk about that another time. 

tomorrow morning i have band practice, then i want to go to the gym. if i can work out for the next three days, i should have no problem on monday. in fact, maybe if i work out saturday and sunday, i can skip my pre-tops workout of shame!

have a great weekend! 

wild ride.

well the past four weeks have been a roller coaster. everything was great until the saturday after thanksgiving, and then that whole leftovers thing happened. it's odd to be at a weight i'm willing to discuss on the internet, but here we go. on thanksgiving morning i was 166.6. i had fasted the previous day due to being too busy, so that admittedly was a bit of a "false positive." i think i went up a pound or so, but then on saturday, got into the leftovers. since then i have been back up as high as 170.2 and as low as 165.8. those same 5 pounds... up, down, up, down. last monday i was sick, so i missed tops. this week i woke up on monday at 168.8. i thought there was NO WAY to get down to my previous tops weight of 166.75, so i was set for my first gain. but in a last-ditch effort, i fasted all day, only having heavy whipping cream in my coffee, and i worked out for an hour before weigh-in in a heavy hoodie. got to tops... weighed in at 166! the streak continues.

i did well on tuesday. on wednesday at noon we were dismissed from work, and i went to my parents'

for christmas. i was determined to eat well that day. there's no tradition on christmas eve i couldn't work with. but my mom had these salted peanut butter bars in her fridge, and then came home with a giant tray of treats, and i decided "i'm going to be off my diet from noon on the 24th til midnight on the 25th," and i was! i had some chips and half a bun with my dinner burger, along with a christmas ale. probably ate 5 cookies prior to that. on christmas morning, i dove into this monkey bread. i drank orange juice. at lunch i had cheesy potatoes, baked corn, ham on a bun, another cookie and a piece of ice cream cake. later i ate my three lindor truffles, some chicken salad on a croissant, and some party mix. then the clock struck midnight and i hit reset.

right now i'm hungry, but not miserable. i feel in control. a friend came over to fix something for me and i sent with him a huge tray of cookies i'd been trying to take to my neighbor for 3 days, and a bag filled with party mix, opened boxes of crackers and an opened bag of chocolate covered pretzels. my entertaining is over, thus no excuse to have those in the house. oh, and i dumped in a bowl of mini PB cups. i don't have any social plans over the next few days, so i am going to do some IF (intermittent fasting) and i need to get to the gym. should have gone today, no excuse not to have... but one thing at a time.

getting through today will be the real test of where my head is at. i did look at those cookies once and think "just one more day won't hurt." but i don't want to be in the gym on monday an hour before tops trying to sweat out 3 pounds. i want to be a person who can eat anything she wants a few times a year and get right back on the plan. i failed to prove that to myself on thanksgiving, so christmas is my chance. i can not let that plate of leftovers become "the cookie" from 2011. but everyone SHOULD be able to have a few days a year... particularly thanksgiving, christmas and their birthday... where they can eat whatever they want without guilt and despair. if i can lose 2.75 by monday, i will get my 80 pound charm at january's first meeting. if i lose anything at all, i get a special elf charm for losing after thanksgiving. i didn't weigh today, so i don't yet know how much damage i did. i'll let you know tomorrow what i'm up against. whatever it may be, if i can buckle down, i know i can overcome it by monday.

i hope you had a wonderful and merry christmas. if you went off of your plan, that's ok. just get back on with me now, ok? how nice would it be to start the new year with a week of clean eating already behind you? then you can focus on another resolution.

i'm ok!

just so busy and lazy about writing. but i'm back on track! i'll catch you up soon.

the struggle.

i'm in bad shape, folks. i'll have a good day, or part of a good day, and then i'll do something dumb. and i know it when i'm doing it. it's that weird self-sabotage mode i've been in before. i haven't been able to get back on track steadily since thanksgiving. it wasn't even thanksgiving day that did me in, it was that plate of leftovers 2 days later. that was my first big clandestine "sneak" food, and it got in my head. today i was fine all day, and then i went to my christmas dinner with the band and i got a burger and another guy got a fish sandwich, and we cut each in half and swapped. i didn't take anything off of the bun or scrape off breading. what in the world? actually i was really good yesterday too. so i could have 2 good days behind me now, but instead i'm starting over again tomorrow. i didn't even go to tops tonight. i had time to weigh-in before the party but i couldn't face the gain. i'm up 2 pounds from last week.

the downfall has been cookies. on friday all i ate was cookies, all day. i was fine until i got back to work and we had been delivered a spread that you'd have to see to believe. i'm too tired to upload the pic, but i will try tomorrow. it started with "i'll just have one buckeye," and ended with me bringing home a big platter of them "for my friends to eat saturday" and then i ate them all friday evening and all day saturday. finally tonight i dumped the rest in the trash.

i'm so scared i won't get ahold of myself. anyone who hasn't been in this position would say "just do it. stop eating crap. do what you've done for the past 8 months, dummy." but i feel like this is happening TO me as much as i'm making the decisions. i feel powerless when i look at these treats.

this saturday is the final 5k until march i believe. that scares me too. with nothing to train for, my motivation to get to the gym gets buried under the snow and ice and 5pm sunset.

so if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom for me, i need it now. it's going to be too late soon.

recovery.

i'm back! i kind of feel like going to bed instead of writing this, but i owe you one after sticking by me during my bad week. after diligent attention to every morsel i consumed friday, saturday, sunday and today... i had a 2lb loss at tops! HOW is this possible? i don't know. i had that great 5k on saturday, and i ran again on sunday. but somehow i managed to get back to last monday's weight, and drop 2 more. one thing i can say about keto... if you do cheat, you balloon up overnight. BUT you can take it off quickly if you get right back with it. if you're like me, cheating is a dangerous and slippery slope, so i don't recommend going off plan too often. but if you do, do not let yourself get into that mindset of "well while i'm 'off the wagon,' i will just have this peppermint mocha and a pizza and some french fries."

anyway, you don't even know what i DID last week. it started tuesday when i went to dinner with friends. i got there early and was two martinis to the wind when they arrived. i proceeded to soak up the vodka with 2 huge pieces of grilled garlic bread and a bowl of clam chowder loaded with potatoes. in the car on the way home i had half of a dark chocolate bar and a handful of chex mix.

so this is what i mean when i said not to let one slip turn into what i so eloquently call "the fuck its." i could have recovered from that night in a day or two. but i was having a small christmas dinner at my house wednesday, which is why chocolate and chex mix were in my car. i'd been to the store for little treats to set around the house in my cute snowman bowls. ever the entertainer, i didn't want to force my keto-ness on anyone else. so i had fancy party crackers, white chocolate peppermint covered pretzels, party mix (OBVIOUSLY with garlic ryes, my fave), and then had various cheese, nuts and the dark chocolates. i served a chicken salad and stuffed mushroom caps for dinner. so as you can see, plenty of options for my own lifestyle, but did i stick to it? hell no. OH, i nearly forgot the caramel corn mixed with some pieces that are covered in chocolate. and the fudge wafer rolls to go with the coffee (editor's note: you can throw one helluva fancy party on a shoestring budget by shopping at aldi). anyway, i helped myself to a few fancy party snacks. not a TON, but a few more than necessary. still, thursday could have been the turnaround day. but what did i do on thursday? i went to a christmas open house after work where they had plenty of cheese and trail bologna, and had some of that along with pumpernickel bread and dip, crackers, and some snickers dip on pretzels. then i came home with a very, VERY serious case of the F-its, and had a giant bowl of party mix and caramel/chocolate popcorn for dinner. and when that was gone, i went back and got some more. and finally my stomach hurt badly enough for me to feel sufficiently like i'd gone past the point of no return. i was certain i weighed 250 pounds all over again.

friday morning i faced the scale. four pounds. so began the diligence that i practiced through the weekend. i had dinner out with my mom friday and had salmon and salad. saturday i skipped all post-5k snacks and hot chocolate. that night i went to a christmas dinner at the mexican restaurant where i passed on chips and salsa, and had a chicken breast with cheese and mushrooms and some sour cream. sunday i declined breakfast out with my parents after church in favor of some tuna and lots of mayo. i went for a run in frigid temps, in the dark, on the snowy icy trail... and that's when i felt like i got myself back. i could hear the crunch of snow under my feet and see my breath almost freezing in the air. the park is filled with christmas lights, so cars were driving by slowly looking at them behind me. i imagined the occupants saying, "wow, that's dedication to run in the snow and ice on a cold night like this." this, a day after running my fastest 5k ever at 36:48. i'm inching ever-closer to that very elusive 30 minute mark. but there was a time when i ran a 46 minute 5k, so i'm really starting to believe anything is possible.

i agonized all day today about yet another christmas party, this time at bravo italian cuisine. first of all, they don't have nutrition info on their website, which i think is a crock of poopies. so based on the info i had in the descriptions, it seemed that my only real choice was half of a roasted chicken that comes with broccoli and sweet potatoes. i subbed more broccoli for the potatoes and ended up loving my meal. at the end, everyone was getting dessert. which was funny, because it was the TOPS group. but they had this little 3-dessert sampler tray, and it had creme brûlée, a fudge brownie sundae and lava cake in it. three of us split the tray, and i had the creme brûlée, which amounted to about 2 large bites. it's made mostly of egg yolks and heavy cream, so as far as desserts go, probably not TOO bad. shouldn't have had it at all, but hey... i lost two pounds this week. heh.

preview: tomorrow night, christmas dinner with grandparents. wednesday night, birthday/going away celebration for my friend who is moving to washington state. thursday, my uncle's retirement party. friday, work christmas party. saturday, 5k that wraps up with cookies and hot chocolate. sunday, nephew's birthday celebration and a second work party. monday, christmas party with the band.

in summary: I CAN NOT WAIT FOR DECEMBER TO BE OVER!

fighting back.

just wanted to give a quick update. i had a rough week. i made bad decisions on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. i felt terrible about myself. but on friday i got back on track, and today i'm down 2 of the 4 pounds i managed to put on. i ran my best 5k time ever this morning in cleveland at an awesome race. and i still have sunday and monday to get below last week's tops weight. won't be easy, but i'm going to try.

exhausted, and frustrated with the ohio state game. so i'll write a full blog sunday or monday. just wanted to say hey... i'm here.

no blog tonight.

because i have been bad.

i made poor choices, and now i'm pouting.

back tomorrow.

winner winner turkey dinner

well since we've last visited with each other, a lot of things happened.

remember when i said my saving grace this thanksgiving would be not living with my parents where the leftovers are stored? yeah, well i didn't account for spending the night there saturday night. i'd asked my mom to please put the dressing and sweet potato casserole in the freezer before i arrived, but she failed to follow through and i failed to have willpower. i ate two helpings of each before bed saturday night. sunday i ran a 5k, and it went poorly. my time was typical of my recent 5k's, but i struggled the entire time. after the race i had a bite of a hot dog and three christmas cookies from the food they offered.

let me rewind: i lost 3 pounds between monday and thursday morning. you know what i ate on thanksgiving. then i was up about 1.5 pounds on friday. i didn't eat all day until dinner when i had french onion soup without the bread and a chef salad. came home and went a bit crazy with some 13g carb chips. on saturday i was still only up 1.5. didn't eat all day until i went to red lobster that evening where i had a caesar salad without croutons, NO biscuits, shrimp scampi and green beans. BOR-ING. then i went spazz on the leftovers that night. then the cookies on sunday, and that's all i had sunday. so... bad for me. but overall, really not INSANE.

but i was up another 2.5 this morning, meaning i'd lost 3 and gained 4 for the week. and tonight was tops! normally we get a dollar for losing after a holiday, but i had made a suggestion of getting special charms if we lose after thanksgiving and christmas, and i was in charge of buying them. so i KNEW how super cute they were. i really wanted one. so.... i didn't eat today, then i piled on the heavy clothes and went to the gym before tops where i ran my ass off for 40 minutes.

the verdict? '

HOORAY! i was down 1.25lb! and there was more good news. i got that 10 week award i'd stressed about so much 2 weeks ago. and i got biggest loser for november! and i won another contest. so by the end of the night, i had a huge pile of cash and prizes! i was such a happy girl.

after the meeting they talked to me about if i am going to change my goal weight. i'm only 25lb away now. i said i might want to lose another 20 and they freaked out. trust me, that would be well within my height/weight guidelines. if you could see me without clothes on, you'd see that i clearly have more than 25 pounds left to lose. i don't intend to lose 100 pounds and quit and still be overweight! no way!

the other thing i did today was sign up for a warrior dash. lord help me. it's not until august, so that could either motivate me or backfire entirely. plenty of time to train, plenty of time to fall off the wagon. i can't even believe i still don't trust myself more than this.

but speaking of races, look what happened! me and my BFF landed on the front page of today's paper running in yesterday's race!

i don't think i've ever had a candid shot in the paper before, so that was pretty cool. i had so many layers on i looked a little more puffy than i'd prefer, but omg, i can't imagine what that would have looked like 75 pounds ago! and the other great thing at the race was that my name was drawn for a door prize. i'd really been hoping to win a hoodie, hoodies are my FAVORITE! i got called when there was only one left, and it was size medium. i was disappointed. but i held it up and thought maybe it would fit soon. i got home and found out it fits NOW! i also found pajama's i liked at target friday, and they had an XL and a medium, but no L. i took the XL and the medium to the fitting room...and the medium was the winner! i also tried on a pair of their size 12 skinny jeans and i almost bought them because they fit pretty darn well. but i'd just bought 2 size 14s two days prior. but i know it won't be long at all until i really need 12's! then next top will be 10. i cannot WAIT to put a size 10 on my body and button and zip it right up!

everyone has been a little quiet lately, so i hope you're all just enjoying the holiday season and not finding too many tempting treats in your mouths. i know i haven't been the best example with some of my choices, but i've worked hard to pay off every bad food choice with exercise, and that is working out great.

it's past my bedtime, so i'll check in tomorrow. i have some size medium pj's to go slip into. :-)

so much thanks!

happy thanksgiving! reading back over last night... what a mess! my mind was really not focused, sorry.

so after sitting overnight, the snickerdoodle bars got even better. family members who have no additional interest in sugar free or low carb ate multiples. before my dad had finished the first one he said, "bring me another one." we put whipped cream on them which was the cat's meow. 5 out of 5 stars, definitely make these.

yesterday i did some major shopping. i've always loved how jeans look tucked into boots, but there was never enough room in boots for me and my jeans. i have only ever owned bootcut, which even when i did manage to stuff them into jeans, ballooned out of the top like hammer pants. finally i'm to the point where i felt like maybe i was ready to venture into the skinny jeans section. the first thing i found out is that i'm truly a 14 now. i thought maybe maurice's just practiced generous sizing assignments. so at old navy i hauled about 15 pairs of jeans into the fitting room. because there are 3 cuts, multiple lengths, various colors and of course sizes to choose from. everything i liked i grabbed in a 14 and a 16. not being an optimist, i put the 16's on first: way too big! the 14's are great in most places but roomy in others, so i tried the 12's and got them buttoned, but they muffin topped me. i didn't love any of them though, so i went to target where i found 2 in size 14 that i loved. do you have any idea how nice it is to walk up to the jeans shelf and look for a size that's readily available? or to be at old navy and try on an XL coat and realize i only needed an L? you know how you'll see a girl stuffed into way-too-small clothes, and you know that she's the last to realize that she's gained too much weight to wear those anymore? i get that now, because i'm that way in the other direction. i still reach for the XL or the 16 or the 18. i still don't think to put a belt on to hold my pants up. my uncle is in charge of the 5k i'm running sunday and today he told me i should try on a couple of shirts. i laughed when he handed me a large and a medium. i held up the medium and said, "this is way too small." but damned if it didn't fit. it NEVER would have occurred to me that i might be a medium!

you know who doesn't think i'm a medium? nike. they don't even really agree with large. another thing i shopped for yesterday was warmer running attire. i found a nike hoodie i loved, but it only went up to L. no problem right? it's tiiight. i don't think it looks bad, but it's a tight squeeze. the race was ok. it was

17 degrees and very hard to breathe. some parts of me that i'd stuffed with hand warmers got way too hot, and other parts were so cold that that it hurt. it was hard to get a deep breath, and there were so many walkers that it was constant dodge 'em. i am very glad i did it, but i was disappointed with my time, and my expectations had been built up way too high regarding how awesome this particular race was. but starting the day at a 400 calorie deficit was great.

i didn't struggle too much with food, thankfully. i had two-bite helpings of the things i like and normal portions of the things i love. i did go back for seconds on stuffing and sweet potatoes. and i had one tiny bite of peanut butter pie. but i didn't even care about the other stuff like more pie, cookies, rolls, potatoes, noodles, beer, wine, dessert cheeseballs, and so on. i thought i'd either

cave and go batshit crazy on food, or that i'd use willpower but be sad and bitter about it. thankfully i was neither. i really can't remember a thanksgiving in the past where you could still see plate on my plate after i'd been through the food line.

later i stopped by my best friend's house as they were ending their festivities. i hadn't seen her grandpa in awhile, so i gave him a hug and asked how he was doing. i felt like he responded a little less warmly than usual. a few minutes later my friend's mom said that her dad hadn't recognized me when i came in, and he thought some girl he didn't know was hugging him! i had my hair pulled back and glasses on which i'm sure added to the mystery, but still. that was pretty cool.

so that brings you up to date on my life. scared to get on the scale tomorrow. as you can see, i didn't eat much compared to what most people ate today, but i ate a TON more carbs than i would ever normally eat. honestly, in hindsight, the pie probably wouldn't have been any worse for me than the snickerdoodle bars after the other carbs, but at least i was mentally still working at it i guess. maybe i won't weigh myself until after i do some damage control tomorrow.

i'm sorry this is so long. i don't know if i would read all of this crap if it was from someone i didn't know. so if you got this far, a very special thank you for giving enough craps to read about what i'm wearing, eating and thinking about. i truly hope your day was storybook perfect like mine was. now go make yourself some 1.6 carb snickerdoodle cake bars and enjoy.

gobble gobble

well, i'm going to try not to gobble too much tomorrow, but it might be hard. i've worked myself down to a 3 pound loss since tops on monday, so if i indulge a bit, i have a few pounds to work with and several days to get myself back on track.

sorry i've been MIA. i've been dog sitting, and he has been getting all of my attention at night.

i did some baking tonight. i wanted to take something low-carb to thanksgiving tomorrow, not only formyself, but for my dad who is diabetic. he's always bitching about how there's never any sugar free dessert. i found this recipe (second one down  http://www.the-lowcarb-diet.com), and decided to give snickerdoodle cake bars a shot. holy cow, it's pretty good. i mean is it ooey or gooey or something you'd really crave if you weren't watching carbs? probably not. but if you haven't had anything cakey lately, this will definitely do the trick.

i also attempted peanut butter cookies which were a bust.

the dog is being a spazz and i have to get up in 6 hours, so i can't really concentrate on finishing this post. i'll try to do better tomorrow. i hope you have a happy and blessed thanksgiving. i am really thankful for the success i've had this year with my weight loss and health, and i am just as thankful for the handful of people who say i have inspired them on their own journeys. let's power through thanksgiving together.

sunday supplemental

before i go to bed, i just wanted to show you the two things that happened after my previous post:

this:

and this:

today is officially a success. 

missed you.

hi! i've been thinking about you guys. i work for a band, and we had a show last night. too late for blogging when i got home.

but i was thinking about you, because i knew that today i'd have to report that i got a little bit crazy with

carbs last night. yesterday was probably the worst day of my cold so far. i felt absolutely awful by the time we'd loaded all of our gear into the trailer, then from the trailer into the club. there were bowls of utz pub mix all over the bar. this stuff is my kryptonite. we take a gigantic container on vacation every year, and i bet i eat half of the container myself. crispy garlic ryes, pretzels, cheddar sticks, some sweet little sesame nuggets.... i swear i could lay in a pool of it and eat until i explode. so last night, already beaten down by my cold, starving, i started with one garlic rye, and before i knew it, i'd eaten a whole handful of the mix. after sound check, the bar told us to go across the street for our comp dinner. we get outside and i see the name of the place: "vito corleone's." now THIS can't be good. italian. oh boy.

the first thing that happens is bread and dipping oil in front of me. already on a carb high, i had half a piece of bread. i ordered lobster bisque soup. now typically this is a fairly low carb soup because it's made from heavy cream. but normally i wouldn't order something that could easily be laden with hidden carbs. i also had a casear salad with shrimp, capers and anchovies. i did not eat the croutons.

back at the club, another handful of pub mix went into my mouth throughout the evening.

so looking back, was it the WORST thing i could have done? no. we were offered all of the free alcohol we wanted, but i drank water. i could have had the pistachio gelato i wanted at vito's, i could have had more bread, i could have ordered the chicken parm with pasta or meatball sub that sounded better, but didn't. this morning i was up just over half a pound, but i can live with that. probably the worst damage done is that now all i can think about is pouring a 10 gallon tub of pub mix on my bed and rolling around in it naked.

but here's some good news. my friend vanessa reported a 14 pound loss today! she started less than a month ago. i hope she doesn't mind me keeping you updated on her progress, but i want you to know that i'm not some sort of "results not typical" anomaly like you see on tv diet commercials. she started low-carb (or keto), followed the plan, and dropped 14 pounds. it works!

more good news: i found diabetic tussin cold and flu nighttime remedy at the drug store. it does not

pack the same punch as far as drowsiness that nyquil does, but i assume if you added a shot of your favorite liquor after you take it, you'd get that result. not that i recommend mixing alcohol with acetemetaphin on the regular, that's liver disease waiting to happen. it tastes better than nyquil and has the same active ingredients. but no dyes and no high fructose corn syrup! it IS more expensive, of course. but we're all used to being punished financially for trying to make healthier choices.

and there's one more thing i'd like to share. i found this website on reddit, and i cannot get enough of it. i spent hours today checking out the keto calculator, recipes and food lists. these guys have complied what i would say is the bible of the keto way of life. i cannot wait to try so many of these recipes. and if you're new to keto, you'll find so much valuable information here. so head on over to http://www.ruled.me/ketogenic-diet-food-list/ to learn more about getting started.

this week has been spent trying to get back to and maintain the weight i was last friday before the weekend of pizza and chocolate shame. i should be safely into the 160's at this point, but i'm still sitting at 171 after last night's foray into pub mix heaven. i'm trying to fast today, and hopefully tomorrow i can see 169.8 on the scale. that's my next major goal, seeing a "6." i haven't seen a 6 since jr. high at least. if i hadn't screwed around last weekend and last night, i'd likely be at 167 by now. lesson learned.

and now i'm trying to decide if i want to lay around all evening, or put up my christmas tree. the task feels overwhelming, but i'll be so happy when it's done. if you see a picture of a tree in this space tomorrow night, you'll know what happened.

i hope everyone had a happy and healthy weekend!

EMERGENCY BLOG

ok, today is NOT going well. not only do i not feel well, but people cannot stop bringing food into my office! here we have cinnamon rolls the size of my head, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and homemade caramels. and below that, pumpkin coffee cake bake, warm from the oven, and there is vanilla ice cream to go with it in the freezer. seriously? all in one day? and i am

having cravings like you wouldn't believe. but at least now i have gotten to the bottom of why my cravings got set off as soon as i got sick. are you ready for this? if you're low-carbbing, this is news you can use.

nyquil has 96 calories and 19 carbs and 13g of sugar per 2TBS dose.

i'll wait while you let that sink in.

there are less carbs and sugar in a reese's peanut butter cup than 2T of nyquil syrup. it is loaded with high fructose corn syrup AND it still tastes like crap! i know they make sugar free cough syrup, but i never imagined there was enough sugar to pack THAT kind of carb punch. i've guzzled it straight from the bottle the past two nights having no idea. i bet i was downing 2 doses each time, which means 40 carbs. i basically ingested the equivalent of a 12oz can of mountain dew two nights in a row. i don't even know if i'm still in ketosis after that. all i can think about today and yesterday is carbs and sugar.

vicks has a "nature fusion" line of cold remedies that touts honey instead of dyes and alcohol. but scroll down on their website, and you'll find that it still contains high fructose corn syrup. sorry diabetics, if you happen to get sick you'll need to find another option.

i am going to email the procter and gamble company and let them know how disappointed i am about this. nyquil is by far, in my opinion, the most effective thing to take when you feel like crap and need to sleep. but i guess if you'd take a shot of vodka, two tylenol and a benedryl you'd get just about the same effect. sheesh. or just treat yourself to a peanut butter cup and 8oz of mt. dew and tough out the symptoms whilst basking in your sugar coma.

so anyway, i'm writing this from work as a way to distract myself from the treats on the counter just outside of my office door. i'm going to leave a bit early today, so if i can just get through another 90 minutes, i'll be safe. wish me luck. and remember to tell P&G what they can do with their diet-busting cold medicine!

Edit: Here's what I sent P&G

On April 22nd, I began a quest to lose 100 pounds. I'm 71 pounds into it. Tuesday evening I came down with a cold. Aches, cough, sore throat, you know the drill. So I went to the store immediately for NyQuil, the one thing I can always count on to get me a good night of sleep when I feel that way. First of all, $10 for a small bottle now? That's exorbitant, but we'll pay anything when we're sick, so if you want to capitalize on that, that's America. I took a dose before bed, and another in the middle of the night. All day yesterday I found myself fighting cravings I haven't had in months. I wanted sugar and carbs, and I wanted them bad. I thought it must be from being sick. I took more last night, and have felt the same way about food today. Then I found out what had happened:

NINETY-THREE CALORIES PER SERVING?
NINETEEN CARBOHYDTATES?
THIRTEEN GRAMS OF SUGAR?
HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP?

You have GOT to be kidding me, P&G. Your NyQuil has more sugar and carbs than a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or a can of Mt. Dew soda! And it STILL tastes bad.

Liquid Gels do not work as well, nor did the store have them when I went back to check. There has GOT to be a way to make a healthier formula. Even your Nature line has the high fructose corn syrup in it.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST BLEW MY DIET ON COLD MEDICINE! Two doses of NyQuil is equivalent in calories to what I eat in a whole meal! I realize you may not HAVE to put that info on the label, but it sure as heck seems like you should. Do diabetics know what NyQuil could do to their blood sugar?

I have survived many illnesses on NyQuil in my 36 years, but I will never purchase it again. I'll get through on Tylenol and Benedryl for my symptoms.

You should be ashamed, putting that much sugar and HFCS into a cold remedy. I have worked SO HARD to count all of my calories and carbs, and now I've ingested 400 calories of NyQuil in the past 48 hours. Do you know how far I have to run to burn that off? Over 3 miles. Fun. I'll look forward to that when I'm feeling better. What a treat.

Terrible. Disgusted.

shameless begging.

hi friends! i'm still sick, but i'm going to try to give you a couple of paragraphs tonight before the nyquil takes over.

today i learned that not feeling well makes me hungry. i'm not sure if it was just a normal craving for comfort foods when i was weak, or if my body was actually looking for something in particular, but i spent the whole day thinking about a big, toasty subway sub and a bowl of soup. that's when i wasn't thinking about mcdonald's cheeseburgers and arby's roast beef sammiches with extra horsey sauce. apparently when i'm sick my tum becomes fast food nation. i didn't give in, though.

i also didn't work out, which i'm bummed about. i just don't think i could have managed it.

but speaking of working out, i'm resorting to shameless begging here. i'm doing a 5k december 21st for the regional food bank in my area. if i raise $250, i can be a VIP elf. and i REALLY want to be a VIP elf. so if you would like to make a donation for my "selfless elf" VIP elf quest, you can send it via paypal to the address wjerproduction@wjer.com. i swear i'm not pocketing the cash and blowing it on strippers and crack. i wish they had their own donation page to make it look more legit, but no dice. if you enjoy this blog, if i've inspired you, if you want to help feed hungry ohioans this winter or if you just feel like throwing around some cash to impress me, would you consider a small donation? thank you!

https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/send-money-online

and speaking of running... today i printed out a 20 week training schedule for a half marathon. i haven't fully made up my mind yet, but i'm considering it. part of me thinks i should stick to perfecting my 5k skills before i take on something like a half. but if i could fully dedicate myself to it, it would help keep me motivated this winter when there are no 5k's. there is a half marathon in my hometown in april, exactly 21 weeks from now. week one starts out with 3 mile runs, which i already know i can manage. so i guess i can do a week of training and see how i'm feeling about it.

feeling pretty loopy from the nyquil now, so i'm going to wrap things up. thanks to anyone who feels moved to donate to my elf fund. i would really love to turn my diet and running into something positive for people who really need some extra help. thanks for your support!

i'm sick.

there will be no blog tonight. all i want is a little caesar's pizza and my bed.

opting for just the bed.

hoping to be back tomorrow.

last night: a retrospective

i've had 24 hours to think about last night's mad dash to lose weight before my weigh-in at tops. and while i don't condone my own methods, i am glad i did what i did.

1. the old me looked for any excuse to give up on anything. i'm not sure why this just popped into my head, but in the past if i was with a group of people going to an event in a big city, and we parked 6 blocks away,  i'd wish for all of the lights to turn red so we'd get to stop and rest at each block. last night i found ways to work more, to work harder, and to cram it into every last available second i had. the old me was never one to try to work more. i worked my hardest on finding ways to work less.

2. when i started this blog, i was on my juice fast. i went 18 days without food, then stuck to vegan and sometimes vegetarian options for months. i lost about 40 pounds. and then with one christmas cookie, it all unraveled until i'd gained that back, plus 20 more. it is that time of year again. if i had suffered that huge blow at tops last night, i'm afraid it would have put me into that mindset of "well i've had my first gain. maybe i can just enjoy a few treats this week." going into thanksgiving and christmas is NOT the time for me to lose momentum. if anything i need to be MORE diligent and work much, much harder. as long as i keep my streak alive, i will be motivated to keep it going. once i have that first gain, i fear i'll start to yo-yo a bit.

i fear the holidays. i know i should keep in mind that i am in control of everything that i eat. there's no holiday food that is going to just "happen to me." but as you've read, i also feel like i have a finite amount of willpower, and when it gets overly exhausted, i start to crumble. so here is my strategy:

1. thanksgiving week: weigh-in at tops on monday night, then work as hard as i can on tuesday and wednesday to get a deficit going. on thanksgiving morning i will run the turkey trot 5k, and then will attempt to be semi-judicious with my food. i don't care about mashed potatoes, rolls or noodles. i prefer my turkey cold, not hot. so at dinner i will have a plate of stuffing and sweet potato casserole - the two parts of dinner my mom only makes once a year. i will have 3 bites of peanut butter pie for dessert. oh, if there is some sort of baked corn concoction i may need a small helping of that as well. then i will take home enough turkey to make my annual leftover sandwich of turkey on white bread with helmann's mayo (miracle whip won't do), lettuce and cold stuffing on the side. then that has to be IT.

then i have friday, saturday, sunday and most of monday to fix whatever happens as a result.

know what i'm thankful for this thanksgiving? NOT LIVING WITH MY PARENTS! the thanksgiving meal is the least of the problems with thanksgiving. it's all of the leftovers in the fridge in the following days. i think i'd be out of bed at midnight making sandwiches out of stuffing using turkey as bread. followed by cold sweet potatoes and bites of pie.

2. christmas: yeah, i don't even know what i'm going to do. christmas is a month long, not just one day. there is going to be food at work almost every single day. tops is having a party at an italian restaurant. i mean i could just go on and on and on. so i guess THAT strategy is to get through it one day at a time.

if i can make it to january 2nd with no significant damage, i will feel like i can do anything.

but for now, let's just work on making it to next monday without needing to sweat it out at the last minute.

a near miss.

after i wrote last night's entry, i decided to weigh myself to see what i was up against on the scale for tops tonight. it was so much worse than i thought. six pounds. can you even believe that? i told you what i ate. and yes, it was far more indulgent than usual, far more than necessary, but not THAT bad. especially considering i ran a 5k in the midst of it. the pancake was the only thing i even ate yesterday! so in a panic, i doubled up on my detox tea, which caused me to wake up at 1am suffering the consequences of that decision. sparing you the details, by 8am it was down to a four pound gain. i had lost 3 pounds after last week's weigh-in, which meant i needed to somehow take off 1.25 pounds between 8am and 5:30pm in order to show a loss on the tops scale tonight.

typically on weigh-in day, i drink black coffee and water and don't eat anything all day until i've been weighed. normally when i get home from work before the meeting, i'm down a half pound or a bit more from the morning weigh-in. not today, i was still exactly the same as this morning. i also normally go for a 1.5 mile run before the meeting, and the sweat drops me down another pound. i thought i'd just run a bit extra, and i'd drop that extra .25. so i went to the park and busted out 2.25 miles. came home, hopped onto the scale... it hadn't moved. not one ounce. NOT ONE! it had been too cold out, i didn't wear enough clothes, i didn't sweat! i got into the shower to clean up, and i started to cry. i worked REALLY hard last week. i lost THREE POUNDS! and then i blew it on cookies and free wine and tiny sandwiches. and hot chocolate and one marshmallow and a pumpkin pancake. but dammit, i also ran a 5k yesterday, over 2 miles today, i fasted for over 30 hours... how could that scale not move?

as i got dressed, i looked at the clock and saw i had 45 minutes until weigh-in was over. i put on a heavy sweatshirt, grabbed my iPod and inhaler, and got thine self to the gym, which is luckily very close to the tops meeting. i ran as hard as i could for 20 minutes in my heavy shirt, then flew to the meeting with 5 minutes left in weigh-in. on the way there i cranked the heat in my car as high as it would go and put my hoodie up to try to sweat out some more.

did i manage to sweat out 1.25 pounds?

yes. actually 1.50 pounds, because i lost 3/4 of a pound. in tops world, that counts. a loss is a loss, and i checked off week 9 of consecutive weigh-ins with losses. if i lose a half pound or more this week, i'll get my 70 pound charm and my 10-week consecutive charm at the december awards meeting.

what i did tonight was stupid, i think. it might sound like dedication, but it was a semi-dangerous, obsessive, last-ditch attempt to take off water weight in order to earn something that's meant to reward fat loss. yes, in the end, running over 3 miles again tonight will contribute to fat loss as well. but i made choices this weekend that sabotaged myself, and i should have just gone to tops and paid the price for it i think. and i would have, had i not been so close to that 10-week charm.

so that's the story of the day, folks. i'm hoping to see an actual loss in the morning after all of this though. it would be really nice to get back down to where i was on friday morning, before foodpocalypse happened. i have a new "decade" to get into on the scale, stat. i was almost there on friday.

not so close today. :-(

nailed it.

what a weekend! friday night was fantastic. i can't tell you the last time i went somewhere fancy without feeling self conscious. oh wait, yes i can: never. and here i was with exposed arms and shoulders in a somewhat risky dress, and i felt great. my toes didn't feel so awesome in the high heels, but i think i managed to walk like i knew what i was doing. they did come off the SECOND we left.

now for the bad news: i ate like a pig. i didn't even try not to, i went into it knowing i was going to just have my way with the evening. want the list? ok.

12 cocktail shrimp. veggies and dip. hummus. one slice of pita bread. feta cheese. cheddar cheese. 4 cookies. 1 truffle. 1 glass of white wine. 1 prime rib slider. 3/4 of a brie and apple panini. right?

saturday morning we left for columbus. we ate at subway on the way down. i had a chicken salad, but i also got a bag of pop chips. they are only 13

carbs, so not too bad that way. i thought they might be helpful for the race today. our hotel was SO nice, and the race expo and packet pickup was so cool. they had a DJ and a lot of exhibitors. we got awesome tech hoodies, a hat, a drawstring bag and some other cool stuff. i bought a pair of super soft PJ pants with the race logo on them. we hung out in the room for a few hours while our two non-racing friends volunteered at the expo.

around 6 we headed to our friend's house about 15 minutes from the hotel. we couldn't get into the restaurant she'd picked for awhile, so we hung out. i passed on a beer, but by 8:00 i was ready to eat my own arm. she set out some chips and pretzels, and i went to town. finally we were seated in the restaurant around 8:30. the whole menu was pizza, some mediocre sounding salads and sandwiches. ugh. about the worst thing i could eat on my diet or late on the night before a race. but that didn't stop me from pounding a side salad and 3 huge slices of thai shrimp pizza. which sat in my stomach like a rock until today after the race. horrible. never again will i eat a huge meal the night before a race.

all night we had extreme race anxiety. the weather forecast was horrible, we had to wake up at 5:30am, we were doubting our abilities to meet the course time requirement. i was concerned about my feet and ankles. our non-race friends finally said, "WHY are you guys doing this if it's so horrible?" we were really being insufferable complainers and worriers. and right at the perfect moment, my BFF sent me this text:

"as you settle in for bed and start to freak out about tomorrow, i wanted to tell you that i will be thinking of you. i am so proud of your hard work, determination and victories! i know you are worried about your time/walking/your legs/being in pain. could you please do me a favor? take a small second as you stand in the coral...reflect on who you were in april, and what you thought/said you couldn't do, but wanted so badly to do. be proud of yourself and compliment yourself and hold your head high most of all, remember and cherish that moment of standing there and having a number across your chest. you are a success and you will be great."

can you believe that? it was as if she'd read my mind. which she can do, because she knows me so well. it completely calmed me down. and this morning as i stood in my corral among thousands of runners, freezing and getting rained on, i looked at that number and thought about how lucky i was to be there and of how hard i worked to deserve it. i thought about the picture of me in my office in april, 5 sizes bigger than i am today. i was still nervous, but it made me feel more confident in my ability to complete the race.

soon the horn sounded, and we were off. we purposely started out slowly so we wouldn't make the classic mistake of wearing ourselves out too soon. in the blink of an eye, the first mile marker was behind me, and i felt GREAT. i had a runner's high before the race was even over. i pushed myself a little harder, and kept running. up a hill, kept running. mile two, finished a little faster. still felt amazing.

kept running... even faster. two of us had pulled ahead of our third friend, and we could see on our runkeeper apps that the race would work out to be slightly longer than 3.10. so we decided to run hard until we hit 3.1, stop our apps, then turn around and go back for our friend. so my 5k time was 38:54, with an 11:14 third mile - by far the best i've ever done. and at 42:39, the three of us crossed the official finish line together, just how we'd started. and as if on cue, it began to rain harder. we collected our finisher's mugs of the most delicious hot chocolate and other goodies and made our way back to the hotel, telling each other how stupid we'd been to be so worried. other racers were still passing us, still heading for the finish line. for the first time ever, i was one of the people long finished with a race as others were still running. it felt good.

it felt GREAT.

i have always wondered if some people feel good while they run a 5k, or if it sucks about the same for everyone, just that some people are faster at it. but today it didn't suck. i felt like i could have gone another mile if necessary. i can even say i really enjoyed it. it went by quickly, and my body and mind felt incredible. part of that was the adrenaline of running with so many people down the middle of the street in downtown columbus with my friends. it does wonders for your spirit when you're passing people the whole time rather than being stuck at the back alone. i'm dying to run more huge races now.

i did drink my hot chocolate and dipped a marshmallow into the fondue. later i stuck my fingers in it and had a bit more. then we went to breakfast where i had a celebratory pumpkin pancake.

so. the weekend was a huge personal and emotional victory, but as far as food goes....i put more calories in than out. tomorrow is my tops weigh-in, and i only need 2 more weeks of loss to get a special award. so i'm pretty nervous about that, but i guess it will be what it will be. if i gain, i have to try to focus on what i gained this weekend in confidence and memories. remind me of this tomorrow night when i'm whining about how much i gained.

a terrible storm is blowing through, so i'm going to post this now before i lose power. hopefully you'll hear from me tomorrow... right now i'm wondering if i'll end up in oz.

fashion show

well, today was a better day. i'm still bummed about my car, but i'll deal with that down the road, pun intended. my ankles are feeling better. not 100%, but i think i will be able to run on sunday. i hate that i have taken the whole week off, but i think the rest was better for me than trying to run. i won't do as well in the hot chocolate 5k as i'd hoped, but i will finish before the course minimum requirement, i'm sure. well, i hope! very much looking forward to this weekend away with some of my best friends, all crammed into one hotel room in columbus! i have never been in a race with over 1,000 runners before, and i think this one will have closer to 10,000. i'm kind of dying of excitement and nerves.

then on top of that, two very expensive tickets landed in my lap for free tonight for a really fancy party in my hometown tomorrow night. the hospital auxiliary does a christmas tree festival fundraiser where groups decorate trees that are sold to the public who pays to tour the display. tomorrow is the preview party where the "who's who" of the town converge for all of the wine, appetizers, desserts, beer and cheese they can shove in while hobnobbing and spending massive amounts of cash on trees and auction items. i texted my friend who's on the board of directors and asked, "how fancy is this?" she said, "pretty fancy." so when i got home at 9:00 tonight, it was time to play iMessage fashion show. she sent me a pic of her dress, then i sent her pics of the three i was choosing from.

she declared the first one "cute, but not blingy enough." the second was "vavavoom," and the third was, "that's so classy but the red one is HOT!" 

i had such a hard time deciding. i like the red for a christmas themed party, and i have only ever worn it once, and it was soooo tight that time. when i'd sit down the bling at the center would poke into my fat. i really like the black one, but feel like it makes my boobs look way too big. my shoes for black are more comfortable, but my shoes for red are so "wow." so as of right now the plan is red, but i am taking black to work tomorrow just in case i change my mind. 

so the verdict is... 

i hope i've chosen wisely! and speaking of choices, you read the part about the appetizers and beers and desserts, right? this weekend might just go off the rails a bit. and i would be totally ok with that, BUT... if you have 10 weigh-in's in a row at tops with a weight loss, you get a special award. and i'm just TWO weigh-ins away from getting it! i've blown it the last 2 times by missing a meeting for vacation and for an indians game. so that's the one thing holding me back from saying "i deserve to really enjoy this weekend." after all, this hot chocolate race is what kicked off all of the weight loss and running training in the first place. it would be nice if the 5k would negate the damage, but a 5k isn't really enough. just under 500 calories burned. anyway, i'm rambling. 

you probably won't hear from me again until sunday night when i check in with a report about the party and my weekend in columbus. I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS RACE!! 

i hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with good choices, great friends and lots of fun. 

don't even look at me.

i have had a bad day. there are tons of reasons, but a big one being that i clipped the bumper of my neighbor's ginormous painting company van that was parked at the edge of my driveway this morning. no damage to his van luckily because i'd HAVE to fix that. but my pretty new car has a dent and a giant scratch clear across the door. and i have about $10 to my name right now, so a $500 deductible is just not happening. i've been upset about it all day. i can only come up with one positive, and it's that instead of running to comfort food as i would have in the past, i actually shunned it altogether. i laid around and slept and watched dumb stuff on tv. i ignored all texts and phone calls, in no mood to see or talk to anyone. finally i got around to looking at facebook and got into a conversation with vanessa about our diets, and that has distracted me enough to not be so miserable. i just got up and ate 4 celery sticks. lol.

i don't know what to talk about tonight, just not in the mood. my ankles and shins still hurt today, so i didn't work out. that is adding to my misery. i feel sloth-like, and i'm also really unhappy about this as the race weekend gets closer. if they still hurt tomorrow i will go do the elliptical i guess. i can't believe how they still feel today. still using compression and ice, and i definitely rested.

i'm depressed about my shape. i'm not brave enough to show you pictures of me in my underwear, but my roll above my belly button is killing me. it pokes out into anything i wear and makes it look bad. i still have to wear shirts a size bigger because of it. i actually started looking up lipo tonight. i'm guessing it's only 3-5 pounds of fat, but it's poking out like a spare tire right in the center of my body. it's really getting me down. i'm so much smaller in width, but front to back is pretty much still a disaster.

sorry this is a downer. not too inspirational. :-(

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. i'll win the lottery or something. i don't need mega millions, just like $10,000. whoever says money can't buy happiness has never had money. or never had problems.

you have a tiny neck.

well i've had a lot of compliments over the past few weeks, but i had a brand new one tonight. i work on the side running lights and sound for a band, and i went out with the guys for beer and wings tonight after practice. we'd been sitting there for about 10 minutes when chris looked across the table and goes, "you have a tiny neck now." it caught me off guard. "what?" "your neck is so tiny now. it's really small." so i'm going to put that in the compliment column, and maybe also stress a bit about if my neck was fat previously.

today was a pretty good day. i was down another pound this morning, putting me safely into that "overweight" zone on the BMI scale. work went well, my personal life went well. the one bad thing was i had terrible ankle, calf and shin pain all day. i ran last night, but only for 20 minutes. maybe running for so long on sunday and not resting was the issue. i really hope it's not my new shoes. my cousin is an expert runner, and he told me tonight that he spent 2 years transitioning into a minimalist shoe, which is what i just got. he thinks they put me in a shoe that's too advanced for the type/distance of running i do. great. i really love these shoes too. they feel good, i run well, they're super cute. but i have 20 more days to decide to take them back if i need to. so for tonight it's elevation, compression socks, ice and ibuprofen.

the insane thing is that i feel kind of cool having a running injury. like...that's the real deal. i don't have my feet up because they're tired from hauling around my fat ass all day; they're up because i've worked them hard getting in shape. but the not-cool part is that the hot chocolate 5k is this weekend in columbus. it's a huge deal, and it's the race that got all of this started. i've wanted to do a hot chocolate for years. it's a huge race held in several big cities around the country. i'm going with 4 friends and staying in a nice hotel saturday. there's a runner's expo that day, then we're going out for dinner. the race is sunday morning. two friends are volunteering and three of us are running. it benefits the ronald mcdonald house, a charity that has personal meaning to our group of friends. so i really don't want stupid shin splints or whatever this is to get in the way. i wouldn't stress except it's a serious national race, so there's a 45 minute time limit on the course. which means even if i walked it, i'd have to be walking pretty fast. i'm going to ice and rest again tomorrow and then maybe do a light jog on thursday to see what happens.

sleepyhead over here so i'm off to bed. i hope everyone is feeling good about themselves. remember, no matter what the scale says, if you know you have done your best, you should feel proud. the scale will move, i promise. don't give up.

i'm overweight! HOORAY! (not. even. sarcasm.)

aaaaand, today this happened. in case the picture doesn't spell it out, i've dropped from "obese" to simply "overweight." that's right, slims....i'm an entirely different american statistic now! i'm only 35 pounds away from being NORMAL! i never thought i'd say this, but BEING OVERWEIGHT IS AMAZING! i've dropped my BMI 11.9 points. i wasn't just obese, i was morbidly obese. mor-bid-ly. now i'm just a regular old overweight chick, kicking ass and taking names. suck it, morbid obesity!

ok, now i think THAT is out of my system.

my tops weigh-in was pretty great too; i was down 3.5 pounds. one thing i've really needed is some new underwear. so i

decided i'd stop at victoria's secret on my way home. they were having a 7 for $26 sale, and i've always wished their smexy drawers would fit my big ass. having lost 3.5 on my birthday week AND becoming overweight seemed like reason enough to have a panty party. and party i did! here's my bag stuffed full of cuuuuuute new underpants, and they are not even size XL... they are L. that's right, not only am i only overweight, but i am only LARGE! now i can wear crap that says PINK on my butt, although i'll elect not to.

i really can't believe i am about to do this, but i think i should show you the granny panties i was wearing six months ago when i started this journey, along with a pair from tonight's panty raid. are you ready for this?

yeeeppp. my wide load filled up that potato sack with no problem. now i'm going to strut my stuff in these new polka dot beauties, just daydreaming about how if i got into an accident and they had to cut off my pants, the EMTs would gather around and marvel at my adorable underpants and exclaim, "why, they're only a size large! she's practically a victoria's secret angel!" and then they would of course save me, and one of the firefighters from the scene would take off his shirt and ask me on a date in my hospital bed.

ahem. yeah, so anyway, about my underwear. i really like them.

the other thing that happened was i went into the GAP. since high school i've said, "i want to wear GAP jeans. i'll feel normal when i fit into those." so i waltzed in there tonight for the first time in at least a decade, and boy what a dump that store has become. i found one remotely cute pair, and i had no frigging clue if they were my size because i shop like a normal person by sizes like 12, 14, 16, etc. and theirs are all "25...33...27..." ok, GAP, get over yourself. so i just grabbed a pair that looked about right and i went into the fitting room and buttoned and zipped them....and they looked stupid. too long, too frumpy. so i CAN wear GAP jeans, i just choose not to. maurice's has the best jeans, hands down.

so today i got to see my little niece, my boss left early, i got out of work early and got to see a friend i dearly love, i ran before tops, i became overweight, i had a big loss for the week, and i got a sack full of cute drawers. and for my grand finale, i fit into GAP jeans and rejected them instead of them rejecting me for the first time ever. i'm going to call today a HUGE win. like....a granny panties size win.

you guys. DO THIS. it'll get you high on underwear. don't give up, don't give in. you deserve cute underwear too.

let's forget that ever happened.

ok, that last post was incredibly pathetic and self indulgent. jeez, louise. yeah, i was bummed out. but who has a super amazing birthday at age 36 on a thursday? probably no one, because all of the cool people have to work on friday morning. but then FRIDAY rolls around, and the heat is on.

friday after work, my girlfriends took me to a mexican restaurant for a celebration. i know what you're thinking... MEXICAN? here's the truly loco part: it was my choice to go there. initially i'd said, "anything but mexican." it's so hard to diet there, no matter what type of diet you're on. but the more i thought about it, that place is good, cheap, centrally located, has plenty of space, serves alcohol and wouldn't care if we sat there for 3 hours gabbing. this was one of those times when i decided i couldn't let my diet hijack what was best for the group, and it actually turned out beautifully. they have some new items that are perfect for a low-carb dieter. i got a huge chicken breast covered in cheese and mushrooms that came with lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream on the side. i just had them hold the rice.

initially i was going to eat just 3 chips and have no alcohol. well.... after a couple of hours i broke down and had 2 light beers, which then made my hand go into the chip basket too many times. i probably had 15-20 chips, breaking each into 3 pieces. but i took my own advice at the end of the night and thought about what i would have eaten had i not been dieting: something wrapped up in tortillas with sides of beans and rice, at least half a basket of chips, and 2 giant margaritas. so are 20 chips and 2 beers ideal? no. are they a thousand times better than what i'd have done if i threw caution to the wind? yup. AND i was able to fully enjoy myself without feeling deprived or being distracted by the chips just out of reach.

on saturday i knew i should go run. but i didn't go! i don't even know why. i felt like sleeping in and being lazy. and when i weighed myself, the scale hadn't gone up as a result of la fiesta de cumplianos, so i used my energy to clean my house. not exactly intense cardio, but still good. my BFF and i had the rare chance to spend an evening together celebrating my birthday. we went to get mani-pedis, then did some shopping, and then dinner at bonefish grill. typically i am not a big chain restaurant person. but bonefish is the very rare exception. always the best service, and the food is perfect every single time. i had a dirty martini with 3 blue cheese stuffed olives...my favorite. now this isn't bad as far as carbs go, BUT the body does metabolize alcohol before anything else, so that's the pitfall with liquor. before our meals came, he brought out some bread and dipping oil. i allowed myself a small piece. again, this was one of those intentional choices, not a cheat or failure. for my meal i had grilled salmon topped with spinach, bacon and gargonzola cheese, and for my sides, ratatouille and asparagus. the good choice here was subbing the asparagus for the garlic mashed potatoes that i'd kill for, and choosing the salmon over the chicken just because it's a little lower in calories and it's so good with the omega 3's. after dinner, we shared a pumpkin creme brûlée. it was amazing, but we stopped eating before it was all gone, another small victory. before we left, the server gave me a beautiful little box of artisan chocolates as a birthday gift. in it were two flat discs of chocolate, about the diameter of a reeses cup. one had dried bits of raspberries on it, the other had chocolate sprinkles. my friend asked if she needed to take them away from me, and i said no, i'd probably save them and use them as a stocking stuffer at christmas.

well...that plan lasted about 2 hours, because before bed i broke off a tiny piece and popped it in my mouth. oh man...some of the best chocolate i've ever tasted. i decided this would be my final birthday splurge. i ate them both and went to sleep.

this morning the scale was up 2 pounds. wah wahhhhh. so like i said a few weeks ago, you either have to accept the gain or pay the price. so it was off to the gym where i put in an hour on the treadmill and over 4 miles. came back home, jumped on the scale, problem solved. water weight gone.

i had one more birthday celebration to survive today: a long-standing date with a friend i haven't seen in over a year at the most incredible italian restaurant ever. THE best pizza, THE best pasta. they

literally have a line outside the door every single day waiting for them to open at 4. but i wasn't even tempted to eat carbs. because the other thing they're known for is CHEESE. they dump a thousand pounds of it on every salad. so i ordered the double house salad, and this is what i got. i worked on it for a long time and still had a huge pile left to bring home. they really could have skipped the lettuce and just brought me the cheese and a fork. 

so not only did my birthday get celebrated in epic fashion on friday, saturday AND sunday (and let us not forget breakfast on thursday), but i made some great choices, and i made some choices that were bad for the diet but good for the soul, and i fixed all damage at the gym. i'm going to have to chalk this weekend up as a win.

tomorrow is my tops weigh-in, and for the first time in several weeks, i am confident that i had a loss. the past few mondays have involved me scrambling to work in a run right before weigh-in to try to squeeze out a one-pound loss. i will probably still try to do this tomorrow so i can maximize what i've already done this week, but i think i should be close to 3 pounds. that means this week will be a success as i work on that "20 pounds before new year's eve" self-imposed challenge. i'll let you know tomorrow!

birthday blahs

just wanted to check in with a couple bits of good news. first, i got through my birthday with no cheats. i had half of an egg beater omelette, no toast at breakfast. for lunch i had a chicken bacon ranch pizza made on a low carb tortilla, a small glass of wine and some sugar free jello. i went to an open house after work and had 3 bites of cheese, a meatball and one cracker with some dip on it. and that's all for the day. i took cider, doughnuts and a pumpkin loaf to work as my birthday treat and didn't touch it.

my almost-victory... got on the scale and had dropped from yesterday. which means i am only half a pound away from moving from "obese" to "overweight" on the BMI chart. the little message that comes up with it now talks about how losing weight will lower my risk for heart disease. but when i get into "overweight," it just says, "try not to gain any more weight." ok, will do, BMI app!

so i really should have gone to the gym tonight to work on that half pound so i can become "only overweight" tomorrow. but did i? no. i sat around feeling sorry for myself for not having a birthday cake with candles and people singing so i could make a wish. last night i was feeling amazing about how i have my own house this year, but tonight i feel really lonely. what kind of loser sits home alone on her birthday night? i lit a tea light and blew it out but that only made me feel more pathetic. if tea light wishes worked, everyone would have everything they want.

tomorrow it will be back to normal. a regular day feels fine on a regular day. but a regular day feels like sadness and disappointment on your birthday. i want to be 6 again so badly. when you're 6, you're a superstar on birthday day. when you're 36, not married, no kids, nobody cares.

maybe losing weight will be the first step toward having someone to sing to me next year.

goodbye, 35

in 2 hours and 14 minutes i'll be 36. "late 30's." i'm not thrilled about this. although when i turned 35 i lived in my parents' basement and was 66 pounds heavier. outlook not so good. since my last birthday i've purchased my own home and experienced true independence. and i truly believe that's how i've succeeded at my lifestyle change.

when you live with other people, be it parents, children, a spouse, even a roommate, diet and exercise is infinitely harder. you can't necessarily rid the house of all off-limits food. other people's schedules may prevent you from working out when you want to. you may not even be preparing your own meals. i never had long-term success when living with other people. so buying this house wasn't just about owning my own piece of land on this planet, it was about taking full control of my own life.

but not everyone has that luxury. in fact most people don't. so i'm here to tell you the hard truth: you just have to work around it.

people who don't live alone have in fact lost weight and gotten healthy. you're just going to need some extras; extra planning and extra willpower, specifically. you are going to see people eating things you should not eat. i won't say "can't," because you CAN eat anything you want. you are instead choosing not to eat things that won't help you reach your goals. you'll also need to find times and ways to work out. if you can only get 15 minutes at a time, don't let that make you think "not worth it." it is. try to get 15 minutes two or three times a day if you can.

my friend who started this diet about a week and half ago texted me tonight saying she has lost 8 pounds. "is this a fluke?" she asked. not a fluke, just a series of good decisions and good planning. she said she was invited to lunch at a mexican restaurant today, so looked up their menu online prior to lunch to see what she could have. this kind of thing is a little time consuming, but entirely necessary. and the reward is, for her, 8 pounds. she has four kids, and even with a house full of halloween candy, she made it through the week. you can too.

last week, author david sedaris said, "without dedication, you have no hope." he was talking about how he became a published author by writing something every single day for 7 years before he was finally noticed. he said if you are not dedicated to what you are doing day after day, there's no reason to hope your goal will be reached. certain things we desperately want are entirely up to us: we have to put in the dedication, and then we are promised the result. but take away the dedication, you lose the hope. david said, "if you just keep doing this thing day in and day out, you get past the sucky part faster." and while he was talking about writing, all i could think of was my diet. i dedicated myself to it, and the sucky part is WAY behind me. i have sucky moments, sure. but i had sucky moments when i was hogging down everything in sight, too. now i also have so many small victories in my days that i can't keep track. so many people have complimented my clothes or perfume or hair or makeup this week. not everyone specifies my weight loss... and i get the feeling it's more like they are noticing i exist for the first time.

you're going to have to give things up. you're going to have to socialize differently. you're going to have to stop making excuses. you're going to have to stop expecting yourself to fail. instead, you have to make one good decision at a time, one after the other, until you can string 1000 good decisions together. dedicate yourself to it. get past the sucky part. i had to lose SIXTY POUNDS before people started to see me. that was sucky. but i didn't let it affect my determination. last night i took my measurements and held the extra 10.5" of measuring tape out to the side of my hip to the place where i used to end. i looked in the mirror in disbelief. there used to be almost a FOOT of extra me right there. how did i carry that around? how did i let it get that far? i don't know. all i know is that it can't be that way ever again.

you guys, every single day of my life is more interesting and exciting now. getting dressed is fun. shopping is fun (which is also trouble), meeting new people is fun. i see a guy in a store and i feel him looking at me. i totally get checked out now. a guy i went to high school with who never spoke to me once in 25 years now speaks to me every day. another guy i went to school with (who threw my textbooks out the 3rd floor window in 7th grade) emailed me and said, "you are a cutie, how are you not married?" true story.

perhaps best of all... for the first time ever, i weigh less than my driver's license says. i have never even weighed CLOSE to what it says. it was a joke when i turned 16, it was a joke every year when i said "no changes," and now, finally, i can walk in there and say, "i need to change my weight, please."

is there anything in your life you'd rather have than this kind of joy? any food, any beverage, any sleeping in? if there's one thing i can't stop kicking myself over, it's that i didn't do this when i was in my 20's. but i take consolation in knowing that when i turn 36 in one hour and 42 minutes, i will be thinner, healthier, faster, stronger, prettier, happier, and more independent than i was when i turned 35. and you can't ask for much more than that on your birthday.

succeed.

in a little over 24 hours, i went from failing to succeeding. i easily could have given in to the self-loathing yesterday and spent the day in bed feeling bad about myself and ordering pizza. but i went out and ate right and ran. today i got up and ate right and ran some more. and when i went to tops tonight, i had lost a pound for the week.yesterdayi was up 3.4 pounds, today it was all gone again, along with another pound. a little hard work, a lot of water, and some quality food. not every mistake can be so quickly erased, but i got rid of mine just in time to get on that scale. in the meantime, i had another milestone: i ran an 11:16 mile. for me, this is very good. my best ever, in fact. i'm typically in the 12-13 minute region. some would call that jogging, not running. but i think anyone who goes out and feels like a runner is a runner. 

the picture on the left is my tops badge. when you join our group, you get a big felt badge with your name on it. it's a blank slate. it symbolizes starting over with no mistakes and no judgement. and the goal is to fill your blank slate with positive accomplishments. at the first meeting of each month, awards are given out for 10 pound milestones, and you get a gold safety pin for every pound you lost the previous month. i just finished 6 months in tops, and here is my badge, filled with 65 pins, my ribbons for each 10 pounds, and then i have charms for each of those and a couple for other things like being the biggest loser for 6 months and the biggest loser in may. i'm pretty proud of this badge, and i look forward to putting it on each week. i've worked hard for everything that's on it, and there is a certain satisfaction that comes from putting it around my neck each week.

even if you're not in a group like tops, find a way to reward yourself for your accomplishments. try vases with the beads like i wrote about before, or put away $1.00 for every pound you lose and then treat yourself to something special when you hit a goal you've set. everyone should have something they can look at besides the scale to remind them of where they've been, and of how possible it is to get where you want to go. when i began with 100 pounds to lose, it seemed impossible. tonight someone asked me how far until my goal, and first i said 35 pounds, then i said, "wait, no, 45?" 35 just didn't seem right. but it IS right. only 35 to my 100 pound goal. i've done that already, nearly twice. home stretch, baby. home stretch. you can get here too. don't let anything stop you, because this feeling is something everyone deserves to experience. success. excitement. accomplishment. pride. and wearing clothes that didn't come from the plus or "women's" section of a store. that is the best reward of all.