still thinking….

i'm still not sure how to incorporate this blog into my new life as a spokesperson. i don't think i can even suffer through reading every one of my old posts. but i don't want to start linking to this blog on FB without a major review. so for the moment i'm thinking i will just keep this blog between you (my long-time and loyal readers) and me. and when i write a guest blog for the website where i won the contest, i'll post a link here.

it's been an insane week. not a lot of people knew what i've been up to for these past 11 months, and now everyone knows. i became a bit of an overnight celebrity in my hometown. a lot of people are now asking me for tips or advice, and i've been stressed out trying to help everyone. my training begins on monday. part of my prize is a training program that consists of short runs on tuesdays and thursdays, long runs on saturdays, and cross training on MWF. i get sundays off, hooray! i'll train for and run a 10k, then i'll get a 2 week break, and then i'll start a 28 week half marathon training. on november 8th i'll run a 5k at disney world at 7am, then a half marathon that night at 10pm. because i. am. crazy.

i'm nervous but excited, and i know i can do this. it's all just very overwhelming at the moment. i'm looking forward to a month or two from now when it has become the norm instead of this thing that's still out ahead of me.

my weight loss is still the same. lose some, gain some. lose it, gain it. still sitting around 162. i just cannot get myself into the 150's. it's all mental.

THANK YOU!!

you probably think i've been off the wagon again, but for once, my silence is for a positive reason.

i want to thank you for your eyes-tightly-closed wishes that i asked for on the last post, because they WORKED! on monday i found out i won a trip to walt disney world to run a half marathon on my birthday in november. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

it has been a whirlwind week, one i can't wait to tell you about. but because of all that's happened, i've been too busy to write. i'm too busy now, too, but i didn't want to leave you hanging.

i just wanted you to know that things are going to change around here a bit. i'm not sure how just yet, but i need to promote my journey on my blog so my sponsors can get proper credit. but i've never written this blog to be widely public, so i either need to go through and delete some things, or start a whole new blog, OR i will secretly write posts just for you guys here, and i'll write publicly stuff on another page that i will link you to. we will see.

this sounds dumb, but this week has felt like becoming a celebrity overnight. strangers recognize me on the street. i've had to sign my life over to my coach and sponsors for the next 9 months. i even found out today that i have to be very careful about what i do or do not post on my personal facebook as i represent these companies for the rest of the year. so i know there are things i've bared to you in this blog that wouldn't fly. cases of "the fuck-it's" come to mind....

so thank you for sticking with me, for your support, and for following me wherever i may be about to land in the blogger world. all 3 of you. ;-)

you can catch up on the hubub by visiting www.desperatelyseekingslender.com to see my essay and everything i've won.

thanks, everyone. i love you dearly!

a good night for a bad run.

well, the gym was a bust tonight. but i'm just happy i got myself there. i didn't leave my house until 7:41, and i was trying to find an excuse not to go for 2 hours prior. two nights ago i pushed myself to run for 12 minutes, which was just barely over a mile. considering my lack of training, i'll take that time for now. tuesday night i followed that with 2 minutes of walking, then 5 minute run intervals til i was over 2.5 miles. the idea was to come back tonight and do 3.1. cha right.

i'm going to attribute it to today being day 4 of my fat fast. i have had almost no carbs and very little protein since monday. 44 total carbs in 4 days. plus only 1000 calories per day. so i probably just don't have what i need in me to have a hardcore workout at this point. tomorrow will be the final day of the fat fast. to celebrate, i made low carb cheesecake cupcakes when i got home tonight. i could basically eat 10 of them as my food for the day. unfortunately they didn't turn out as well as the first time i made them. i had to use a different sweetener, and that's all i can come up with as a reason. even the consistency of the batter was far different. more like a pudding than a pancake batter consistency. odd.

so anyway, i only made it 1.65 miles tonight. i used everything i had running the 12 minute mile. i walked for 2 and then tried to run again but only lasted 2 minutes. my ankle was hurting and my body was telling me no. so i moved over to the circuit and used the 10 weight machines. i should have done two rounds, but i was spent.

the great part of the day was speaking to my grandma's TOPS group. i didn't plan what i was going to say, just went in and started talking. somehow it all came out of my mouth logically and semi-concisely. i hope i didn't confuse them or give them false hope. i didn't really want to get into what type of diet i'm on too much, fearful that they'd only hear "i eat cream, ranch, bacon and mayo" and start adding that to their grains and starches. but of course that was their main question, so i was honest and said it's very scientific, and very "all or nothing." but for ME, i need a plan that is very black and white. for the most part, you either absolutely can or absolutely cannot eat any given food item on a low-carb diet. MOST foods aren't "semi-low carb."

since i try to stick to the 20 or less per day idea, i basically think of myself as having $20 in my pocket each morning to spend on my food for the day. each carb is a dollar. so i ask myself, "is this low carb tortilla worth six of my 20 dollars?

the fat fast was very easy monday-wednesday. today i struggled a bit. i saw pictures of food everywhere, and i wanted it all. tomorrow the nursing home that makes the amazing cookies is bringing lunch to the radio station. that may be very hard. i'll try to get out of there during that time maybe.

on saturday i'll reintroduce more carbs and protein again to give me some strength for sunday's race. as of now, i have two more pounds to lose by monday in order to have a loss at tops. but i would REALLY like to lose 3.2, because then i'll officially be in the 150's. i need that so badly.

last night i mentioned that i'm making a big decision. obviously it's a half marathon, and there's a lot more to it than that, but this is already long so i will save the story for another blog. but if you could just close your eyes real tight and cross your fingers and your toes and wish as hard as you can for my wish to come true, i could really use the good vibes. i'm hoping and praying for something HUGE to happen on monday. but if it doesn't, i have a plan B.

i'll leave you with the collage i took to show the tops group of my start, finish, and a couple of in-betweens where i was feeling good about fitting into my clothes better. i wanted to fit into that flowered dress SO badly. i'd gotten it as a gift from my mom and barely fit into it one time, then outgrew it. so pic 1 is trying it on to see how far i had to go. disaster. but not too long after that i tried again and it fit perfectly! sadly, it just as quickly got too big!

BIG decisions

well, day 3 of the fat fast is almost in the books with zero difficulty. i found philadelphia spinach artichoke cream cheese today, which was incredible. i ate that twice, had two helpings of the salmon flavor, some laughing cow... seriously totally and completely not hungry.

and better than that... down 2.8lb on the scale today from yesterday! it's working!

i'm seriously so tired i can't get into a long blog, but i have been really contemplating a huge decision tonight. it's a 13.1 mile decision, if that's any indication. i'm excited and terrified, and need to decide by tuesday.

anyway, no time to be clever or motivational tonight. i will write tomorrow, because i'm speaking to another tops group after work about my weight loss and i'll want to fill you in on how it goes. i guess i should wear something cute tomorrow instead of my usual jeans and hoodie. ugh. gotta go figure THAT out i guess.

goodnight!

i'm ok!!

just a quickie to let you know i'm here, and i'm ok. as planned, i ate everything...and i mean EVERYTHING over the weekend with my mom. we had 5 of the most decadent meals of my life, and a constant supply of chocolates in our hotel room, all rounded out by plenty of wine. i couldn't even deal with knowing what i weighed when i got home. but i started a fat fast right away, and i'm just wrapping up day 2 of that, and i feel great. i did weigh this morning and i was up about 4 pounds. that seems fair based on what i did. i actually started eating on thursday at lunchtime, so we're looking at about a pound per day of cheating. but i've stuck to the fat fast perfectly yesterday and today, and i spent 2 hours in the gym last night and again tonight. i felt pretty amazing tonight, even though prior to the workout i felt a bit shaky. i ran so much better tonight than i have since december. all in all, things are good. i feel strong again, i feel my resolve creeping back as march gets closer. first 5k of 2014 is sunday. i won't make any PR's, but i will finish it. i went almost 3 miles tonight with no problem, which restored my confidence.

i really want to show you a better version of myself than i have since thanksgiving. you've been on the roller coaster with me, and i'm really trying to make it stop now. i've had my fun, it's time to get myself into a cute swimsuit in june!

we can work it out.

hey you! yeah you. thanks for showing up tonight.

today sucked. but it will sound good on paper: i got to stay home from work because of bad weather. but i spent the day feeling guilty and wondering if everyone was talking about me. i live 35 minutes from my job an often have a far different weather and road situation here than they have there. so while it looks clear to them, i'm saying "i can't get off of my street, and they're thinking, "yeah right." then i spent 90 minutes trying to clear the very wet, heavy snow from my driveway and enough out of the road to be able to back out in the morning. then i just had a few small disappointments here and there that got me down.

so... what's a girl to do with all of this frustration? work it out. i hit the gym around 8:00 and stayed for 2 hours. i did 40 minutes on the treadmill, then i did the weigh machines in the 30-minute circuit, repeating most of them twice. then i tried a few new machines i hadn't been on before. i actually wouldn't have minded staying longer, but when i saw it was 10 i wanted to get home so i can go to bed.

had to fight off some hunger today. drank a lot of coffee and ate almond butter for breakfast. i had a big lunch that was delish, i called it an omelet pizza. before the gym i had 2 atkins bars. i know i need to start flipping my meals so i eat bigger meals earlier in the day, and taper off at night. it's hard though because i'm at home tonight to cook AND i like eating a nicer meal at night after work. but it makes sense to eat more calorie dense meals earlier in the day.

so my mom and i are taking that trip this weekend, and we have 7 restaurants we want to try! it's cleveland restaurant week, and some of the best places are having these awesome specials on special menus they've put together. so my plan is to work hard until friday and get a deficit going, then splurge over the weekend, hopefully breaking even. i have looked forward to this trip for a year, and it's unfortunate that it's happening when i'm just getting back on track from my struggles. but i want to just enjoy it. i will try to make the best decisions i can. but there WILL be desserts. our hotel has a gym...

heading to bed now before i stick a lot more almond butter in my mouth. i could really polish off the jar right about now after that workout!

SERIOUSLY WINNING.

today was a total win! well, in diet news. i didn't sleep, late for work, stuck in traffic, blah blah. BUT. i was down to 163 this morning! that was 3lb from yesterday morning! so i went to the gym before tops where i had a pretty successful run with very little pain in my foot and ankle... and i lost .15 at tops. ok, .15 is next to nothing, but THEY don't know i'd shot up to 168 or higher during the week! so from my last weigh-in, almost nothing. from my m&m and ice cream and cookie binge on thursday.... i dropped around 6 pounds. whew! saved!

i'm even more thrilled about my foot. i kept it wrapped today, took an aleve this morning and it felt good. i wore different shoes today, maybe that helped. but right now it's not wrapped or iced or elevated or anything and it feels fine. of course i'm sitting down, but last night at this time it was still thumping.

i don't have much else to report, but wanted to share this blog with you from the TOPS "head honcho," barb cady. i found this to be very relevant to myself, and thought it could help you as well.

http://www.tops.org/TOPS/Home/TOPS/BarbsBlogHome.aspx?iUniformKey=f4c9abc6-48b5-4b4b-a4ec-c1767e04577a

i particularly love this quote from the blog: “If you start today to do the right thing, you are already a success even if it doesn’t show yet.”  

isn't that the thing that gets so many of us down? feeling like we have to accomplish SO MUCH before we're "successful?" when in reality, we're successful for simply starting down the path! it may not be physically apparent for awhile, but in your mind, you feel like a new person when you know you've really gotten ahold of your willpower, organizational skills, workouts, debt, whatever obstacle you've been intimidated to tackle. so tomorrow, be a success by making one really good choice when you're at a crossroads. don't buy that thing you know you shouldn't spend money on. or get out of bed to work out before work (talking to myself here), or say no thank you to the bagels at work. if you get the chance, comment and let me know what decision you make that makes you a success tomorrow. good luck! 

edit - i don't know how i ended up with the above text highlighted, but i don't have the patience to figure out how to fix it right now. sorry!

winning.

ok errrybody. i think i'm back on track. are you rolling your eyes and sighing, saying "we've heard THAT about 100 times since thanksgiving?" but i swear i mean it this time. i feel like the old me again. today has been another perfect diet day, and i even went back to the gym, finally. i wrapped my foot and ankle tightly and got on the treadmill. i know i should have eased into it on an elliptical or even just walking on the treadmill, but i was dying to run. so i did a couch to 5k which was six :90 runs with 2 minute walks in between. prior to my injury i'd been doing these at 6mph, training to do a 30-minute 5k. today i did interval 1 at 5.2mph. it hurt but i kept going. i did the rest of them at 5.6, or a 10:42 mile. i could live with that. i have to say my body, other than my ankle, felt amazing running again. i had this idea that i'd be back to square one after a month off. but my respiratory response was fantastic. if not for the pain in my foot, i could have done that for a long time i think. i wasn't dying at the end of the 90 second runs, but i was working up a sweat. then i did the 30 minute circuit weights. i just felt so ALIVE being back in the gym. after the circuit i got back on the treadmill for 5 minutes at an 11 incline to boost my heart again before i went home.

by the time i got to the parking lot i was limping pretty badly. driving hurt, pressing the gas pedal down. i thought for sure it was broken. but i got home, took an aleve, elevated it, kept it wrapped and iced it. and when i walked on it an hour later, no pain.

not sure what the future holds for me regarding a 5k, but i am hopeful that with proper care, i can run through the pain and somehow get better. i have this crazy idea that when it gets warm again it will feel better. like maybe it's the cold getting to it.

as for my weight... i finally braved the scale this morning. it was 166. so i bet i was up around 168 or 169 by friday morning, and back to 166 by today. i couldn't face it before today. after my workout i was 164.6. i really doubt i can get back to 162 before tops tomorrow, but i will sure give it a shot.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like a winner again. it's been a really, really rough (and wasted) almost 3 months. but i weighed 166.6 on thanksgiving day... so even though it's been a roller coaster, i'm still breaking even post-holiday. it's time to stop breaking even and start breaking THROUGH. with any luck, i will be in the 150's by the time i write next sunday's blog. although i have a big weekend away with my mom friday-sunday, so that's going to be a major factor in my week. sigh. always something, right?

wakeup call.

well, it's been awhile since my last entry, and you know what that means: failure. and not just sort of, i mean BIG failure this time. i gave up for six straight days. it began last saturday at lunchtime. i was having a girls' day with my niece for her birthday. we went to lunch, and i got a wrap. i could have had a salad, but i didn't feel like it. no willpower. after our manicures, i took her for froyo, and i could have at least had plain, sugar free yogurt. instead i mixed about 5 flavors and topped it with butterfingers, oreos and heath bars. that night i drank 2 glasses of wine and had some cheese, nuts and pomegranate. bad, but not INSANE, right?

sunday i got on the scale and i was up to 166.8. i could not believe it. i'd been at 161 on friday. i had what i thought was a good diet day on friday - i even ate at red lobster and didn't have any cheddar biscuits, as much as i'd wanted them. but in two days, i'd shot up 5 pounds and i was crushed. i knew i couldn't go to tops on monday, so on sunday, i did more damage. i was in a class all day and the instructor brought no bake cookies. i had four. then we went to dinner where i had a sandwich, on bread, and fries. monday night i got a large oreo blizzard, supposedly my final treat before getting my act together. tuesday i had a "wine and art" class after work where i had 3 glasses of wine and plenty of heavy appetizers. thanks to the wine giving me a case of the fuck-its, i stopped at giant eagle on my way home, and this is what i got:

1 bag cadbury mini eggs
1 cadbury creme egg
1 red velvet cake chocolate bar
1 single serve hagen daz chocolate peanut butter
1 single serve hagen daz tiramisu gelato
1 single serve hagen daz salted caramel gelato

i'm pretty sure the checkout girl thought i was going home to smoke 10 bowls of weed, but i was high on being out of control. i ate the cadburys and all 3 "single serve" ice creams. they weren't pints, mind you - they were those tiny ones with the plastic spoon in the lid. but still. i hated the red velvet bar, luckily. so my "snack" was only around ONE-THOUSAND calories.

on wednesday i tried to get back on track. i had my atkins bar and coffee for breakfast, egg whites and veggies for lunch. and then the local nursing home which makes the MOST AMAZING iced cutout cookies brought a tray to my office around 3:30. by 5:00 i'd had 4 or 5 cookies.

thursday. full-fledged fuck-its in effect.

candy for lunch. ice cream and cookies for dinner. a brownie batter stuffed donut on my way home. and i had 3 more donuts in the bag to eat on friday. i was in full-blown freakout mode. i was angry and miserable and sad and just... blah. i immediately felt as fat as i was last april, overnight. i didn't feel good in my clothes, i felt like people could see on my face what i had eaten that day. i was ashamed and couldn't stop. i kept telling myself "you are an addict, and you are in serious trouble." 

so i got home thursday and grabbed a few days' worth of mail out of the box and began sorting through it. i had a letter from... an organization i am familiar with. and here's where i have to become cryptic, because i am not supposed to share the information with anyone until april. but i can tell you that it had to do with my weight loss and it's a BIG deal. and it stipulates that i cannot gain any weight between now and then. ummm pretty sure i packed on about 10 pounds between saturday and thursday. so the contents of that letter fully kicked me in the ass, inspired me, reminded me of all of my hard work and of my duty to inspire others. i can't let myself and so many others down over some cookies and m&m's. 

so i gave away those donuts, and i have had perfect dieting ever since i read the letter. i am back on track. i haven't weighed myself yet to find out what damage i did, i'm too nervous. maybe i'll look in the morning. i will probably have a gain at TOPS, but what's done is done. i have almost 2 months to lose a little more weight before i share my success with a large group, hopefully inspiring countless others to do what i've done. and i will probably share this story that i've just shared with you, about how i was spiraling out of control, practically undoing in one week's time what took me 9 months to achieve. 

i am an addict. there is a monster inside of me that comes out and takes control, and i wish i could figure out what causes it and how to push it back down when it happens. there won't always be a big-deal letter waiting for me in my mailbox. if anyone has any advice to share about how they overcome those out-of-control moments, i would love to hear your ideas. because i'm motivated now. but when easter rolls around, the nursing home will send more cookies. and i need to figure out what i'm gonna do about it. 

snow day success

well snowpocalypse happened, and i wasn't able to go to work today. awesome, right? YEAH! but i was so worried about being home all day and not snacking the hours away. i just really set my mind to it, and i got through it! i spent a lot of time outside shoving the snowblower around, and came in a sweaty mess, so i'm calling that exercise. i ate exciting things like broccoli instead of jamming salty pork rinds slathered in hot sauce and sour cream in my face. and now i'm definitely wanting to snack, as i always do at night, but i'm fighting it. i had a low-carb cheesecake. now i just need to stay out of the peanuts!

i am down to 161.6 today. getting so close to the 150's! i'm dying for it! i'm not going to hit my st. patrick's day 100lb goal after screwing around in december and january like i did, but i do have a chance of hitting it by my one-year dietaversary on april 22nd. i need to lose 1.7lb per week to make it. back in the heyday of this diet, that would have been a breeze. now, 1.7 is a huge loss.

still having problems with my ankle. it doesn't hurt enough to not walk on it, but it hurts still, every day. especially when i get up in the morning or if i've been sitting for awhile. i haven't run in almost a month now, and 5k season is less than a month away. it's time to figure this out. march 2nd is the first race! i was supposed to be doing 10 minute miles by then!

emotional eating journal: no emotions today. i had a very happy day and that made it easy to not think about food.

you know that's right.

no reason for the title other than i suddenly love that phrase.

so it's all cold and doom is looming about as we brace for yet another snowmageddon. you know how i feel on nights like this... sitting at home, watching tv under the blankies... i want to EAT MUH FACE OFF! not in a bath salts zombie kind of way, but in a "put everything from the kitchen on a plate and bring. it. herrre." kind of way.

i started thinking about this 100% dark chocolate bar i bought a couple of months ago. i knew it would be terrible when i got it, but i tasted it just in case. yeah, straight dogshit. i threw it in the freezer figuring i'd find something to do with it later. tonight was the night!

with no particular plan in mind, i put a chunk in a bowl with about a teaspoon of butter and tablespoon of heavy cream and put it in the microwave. when it got pretty melty i added some splenda and some almond butter and threw it back in. when it came back out it was grainy and still tasted like a turd. i added some vanilla and more splenda. poop city. added some sweet and low drops and some s'mores sugar free syrup. weird consistency. added more heavy cream... ok now it looks like milk chocolate. taste.. close to edible. dumped in some swerve SF powdered sugar and some more almond butter and a little xylitol. suddenly it was pretty good! now what to do with it? i had about half a cup worth of chocolate sauce. i had these lids laying in a drawer, so i spooned the mixture into the centers of 3 lids, sprinkled slivered almonds on top and a smidge of almond butter, and tossed them into the freezer. went back for one 20 minutes later and HOLY MOLY! EUREKA! it's amazing. of course i have no clue how many calories or carbs or fat ended up in these since i was just mixing and pouring and a pinch of this and that. but all in all, they have to be pretty low in carbs. and thankfully there are only 3 total because i will for sure be eating all 3 tonight. and i don't see me making them again soon, because what a pain. but if you want to give it a shot yourself, the chocolate is called dogoba organic 100% baking chocolate. 2 net carbs per serving. http://www.dagobachocolate.com/products/bars/#unsweetened-baking

the best part is i added the xylitol last right before freezing, so the "sugar" crystals didn't melt and they are crunchy in the chocolate. amaze.

emotional eating journal - i did well all day until after work. then it wasn't emotional eating but just bored eating. i did ok though. i had a few slices of deli chicken breast with mustard, a few almonds and peanuts. a few pork rinds. then this mess up above happened. probably going to land around 1200 calories for the day. had salmon for lunch, atkins bar for breakfast. not a bad day. i just need it to be spring so i can be out doing things in the evenings and not sitting around craving snacks.

sucky symbolism.

sorry it has been a few days. i'm still in rollercoaster mode with good days and bad days. i did well tuesday and wednesday. thursday i went to dinner for my niece's birthday, and i had 2 pieces of pizza, a cheese stick and a little bit of cake. then on my way home i got peanut butter covered pretzels at the gas station. i ate about 6 and then took them out to my car so they'd be away from me, and i gave them to my coworkers who are human garbage disposals on friday. i went skiing for 5 hours friday night and burned off some calories, so i was sweet by saturday. UNTIL i went to dinner with friends. my chicken came out with erroneous bbq sauce on it, and i hate causing a scene so i just ate it. and i had a glass of merlot which gave me a case of the screw-its. we all kept chatting, and the next thing i knew i'd also downed 2 beers. i stopped at the grocery store on the way home and ended up with a pint of ben and jerry's and some cadbury mini eggs, a treat i'd been DYING for. polished off the eggs, then went to work on the ice cream. about 1/4 through the pint i got ahold of myself and went and washed the rest down the sink. so blah, blah, blah, tonight was tops and i ended up with a 2 week loss of 4.75 pounds. yay, biggest loser of the night, yay, back to 80.5 pounds lost. but wait... they went by our weigh-in from 2 weeks ago for awards night, so THAT number was up 4.5 pounds, and i had to return 5 of my per-pound pins. turns out you don't lose charms, so that's good. but i was so sad having to give back 5, when i typically get between 5-10 to add instead. i should have been careful what i wished for with last week's weigh-in being cancelled. i'd worked so hard to get that gain off, and i still got screwed. so even though it was purely symbolic, as that weight is off and not on, it was a huge downer.

but.. i'm starting out february down almost 5 pounds, so that's good. i'm still sitting at my lowest weight ever, 162 pounds. i know if i work hard i can be at 159.8 soon, which would feel amazing. remember the night i put up my christmas tree AND hit 169? that was the week before thanksgiving! i can't believe it's taken me 2+ months to lose less than 10lb. stupid holidays and stupid rollercoaster aftermath. but... still heading the right way, so i need to focus on the positive here. i need all of the positive thoughts i can get as i work to lose this 2.5 pounds to go into the 150's.

one bit of awesome sauce - i went to target on friday and zipped and button a pair of size 10 skinny jeans! they were curvy cut and they were tight, but they clearly said "SIZE 10," so that's really something for this girl who began in a 24. it has been a pretty cool week for realizing the many benefits of being smaller, like fitting into most things instead of not fitting into most things. my friend offered to let me borrow her ski pants. now, i've never been able to borrow other people's clothes. i didn't know anyone my size! but she dropped them off, and they fit! then i went to "play it again sports" which is a sporting goods and apparel secondhand store. they had a sweeeeeeeeeet spyder ski jacket for $35, size medium. tried it on for giggles - it fit perfectly. if anything, slightly on the big side. the last time i went skiing, i could barely fasten my boots around my calves even on the last notch. friday night they snapped shut on the 3rd notch. and hauling myself around the flat areas with my arms using my poles wasn't nearly the stress it once was. i felt like an actual athlete out there.

so when you consider the pampered chef party... the birthday party... the wine and ice cream night... a superbowl party last night... and the fact that i can't run, so my exercise is limited to ab and arm stuff on my ball and then skiing (the boots immobilize your feet and ankles, so that felt great actually), it's pretty awesome that i weighed in at -4.75.

emotional eating journal: today wasn't emotional. i'm about to go have some chicken and maybe a spoonful of almond butter because i know i need the calories. otherwise i'd just go to bed. this past week was a total emotional eating week, mostly eating to beat myself up more for eating. how dumb.

i hope you guys are feeling positive. don't give up! you can stray if you need to, but don't give up. balance it out. there are 7 days in a week, so try to have 4 good for 3 bad if that's the way it has to go. just come out on top. love ya's!

so what happened was....

a few hours after my blog on sunday, my phone rang. tops leader. i KNEW what she was going to say! TOPS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER! i was ecstatic! another week to lose my 2lb and i could eat dinner! i immediately stripped off my clothes and jumped on the scale. guess WHAT. i was down 2.2 pounds. lowest. weight. ever. i'd done it! so joy turned to sorrow, as i have to wait another week to get this recorded at tops, and we all know what can happen in a week!

so i had a salad and a salmon patty, kept it simple. since tops was cancelled, i no longer had a reason not to attend a pampered chef party i'd been invited to monday evening. she said they were demonstrating a potato soup, and that sounded safe enough. i can pass up soup. so i had a small salad at my mom's after work, then went to the party at 7. ok kiley... SOUP? you failed to mention the carrot cake, reese's bars, oreo truffles, buckeye truffles, buffalo dip, and orange drop cookies. so.... "i can't get this anytime i want it" rule went into effect, but three bite rule went OUT THE DOOR. unless you consider each truffle one bite. three of those, half of a cookie, half of a piece of cake, a small bowl of soup (at that point, may as well sample it), some buffalo dip and two reese's bars later, i rolled myself out of there. at home i continued my binge with some old pringles cheese sticks i found in the back of the cupboard. i am a foodaholic, no joke. i can never contain it anymore. i could have come home and not touched another thing, but i just HAD to pile on. i can't explain it. it's not fun or satisfying. it feels ugly and rebellious when it's happening.

the good news is that i got right back with it today, no thoughts of cheating again. and by the grace of God, i didn't gain anything. but my ankle... still jacked up. not terrible but not perfect. when i walk it hurts just enough to know it hurts. and i've noticed that my left foot faces forward when i walk, but my right, the painful one, is pointing out to the side. somehow that's how i'm compensating. sigh. GET BETTER, FOOT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU!

i've kept busy all evening talking with friends on facebook about some upcoming adventures, so i haven't thought about binging. i had some cheese after work and never even revisited the idea of a genuine meal.

therefore - emotional eating journal - nothing to report today. but last night i ate because i got drunk on the idea of "what do these things taste like?" and wanting to fit in and enjoy myself. then i ate because i was mad at myself for eating. i think it's a "you stupid pig, if you're going to be a piggy, be a whole hog and really punish yourself!" type thing. ugh.

so on that note... piggy ziggy, out.

slow fast.

happy sunday, readers! i was just looking at the past few blogs, and i owe you an apology for my failure to proofread. yowza.

well, tomorrow is tops. i am down about 2lb from last week, but still need to get 2lb more to have any shot at keeping my 80lb charm. with the foot situation, i'm not sure it will be possible. i had planned to go to hot yoga today, but with the horrible road conditions from the weekend snowstorm, i opted out. and it's a good thing, because i read on facebook that so many showed up they had to turn a lot away. but there goes my 60 minutes of sweating.

my foot was doing so much better as of thursday. i was to the point where i was really thinking i'd have to go to the doctor, but i woke up thursday and i could walk! it felt great thursday and most of friday. but then i was trying to do too much and it got sore again. yesterday i caught up on laundry and cleaning, and by last night i was wrapped up again with ice and elevation. boo and hiss.

so my only remaining option... fasting. you guys, today is going SOOOOO SLOWLY. why would they ever call it a fast when time stands still while you're doing it? on a workday i can go all day without eating, not even on purpose, and i'm unfazed. but on a cold, snowy weekend at home? i want to be eating every single second. like, i'm talking about finding waterproof food so i can continue eating while i'm in the shower, then hooking up an IV drip for when i'm sleeping. am i hungry? no. but i'm not full, either. and i want that feeling of a full, warm belly of comfort foods like hearty soups and hot chocolate and some cupcakes. yes, cupcakes. argh.

but the fast must go on. i have had some coffee with HWC, and i had 2 slices of deli roasted chicken breast. trying to just keep drinking water. tomorrow night i'm having cupcakes. i've been looking at this recipe all week long, dying to try it: http://www.ruled.me/raspberry-cheesecake-cupcakes/

so after tops tomorrow, keto friendly cupcakes are SO happening. and i'm going to eat about 4 of them, because by then i'll have earned 800 calories worth of cupcakes! they look small. :-)

so, emotional eating journal: i haven't felt emotional, just bored. maybe a little deprived. but i think i've overcome it for the most part. on friday night i did have a bowl of sugar free ice cream that i didn't need, but i still kept under 2000 calories for the day. more than i like to have, but still reasonable. i had 2 of those pork chops with the bacon and cheese, some salad, cheese, other stuff. but still nothing emotionally motivated.

my happiness today is that i'm wearing this awesome vintage t-shirt i found from the 80's that says "just say no" on it. it's a medium, and it fits like a glove, in a good way. i've always loved retro t-shirts, but they were always baggy monstrosities, and this looks cute, i think.

i've been asked to consider a half marathon in april. not to run it all, but run-walk intervals. the course is open longer than most, for 4 hours. so that would be plenty of time to go at a slow interval pace. it would be the matter of building up the endurance to do that for between 3 and 4 hours. i can't even imagine. but i REALLY want to do this. let's see how the old foot feels tomorrow.

i'm rambling now, but almost forgot to mention this. i had a little reunion with some elementary school friends on thursday. my 3rd grade teacher told me that i had inspired her, and she'd started weight watchers that day. i jut can't say how humbling it is to hear that other people are looking at me as an example and inspiration. it really keeps me going. it's a crazy feeling to be an example of how people want to be instead of an example of how they fear ending up. who do you want to be an example for?

krrrazy in the kitchen!

you need to keep in mind that i'm traditionally hopeless in the kitchen, ESPECIALLY when it comes to cooking meat. i am terrified of poisoning myself and my friends with undercooked meat. i've always said if i can't make it in the microwave, it's not happened. well keto has caused me to step outside of my comfort zone, and i am getting far better at cooking. tonight i had dinner at bob evans with some friends after work, but i had a package of bacon in the fridge with a "best by" date of 1/28 on it, along with pork chops and salmon i'd put in to thaw on monday. i knew i needed to use 'em or lose 'em. so i quickly got to work, and an hour later i had prepared salmon patties, a pound of bacon, and bacon cheddar pork chops. plus washed all of the dishes! i tasted the pork chops, so if i am not puking at this time tomorrow, we'll know they are safe. tasted the bacon... twice. and the salmon looks pretty good to me. i eat raw salmon at the japanese restaurant, so that doesn't worry me too much. i'm sure it's baked though.

so now i have lunches and dinners ready to go for the next several days. i'm going out again tomorrow after work, but now when i'm home and in "binge mode" this weekend, i'll have all of this delicious stuff just ready to heat up. pretty excited.

i got a little closer to my gallon goal with water today, but fell short again. if you add in my 24oz diet coke and coffee i'm closer, but probably shouldn't count those. i got a 33oz water bottle and need to drink almost 4 of them to make it.

i think i'm going to try hot yoga on sunday. i'm dog sitting that day so i hate to leave him because i loooooooves him, but i don't want to wait another week. sunday is "community" day where the $13 class is only $6 and the money goes to charity. the day before tops seems like the right time to sweat for an hour in a 90 degree room.

emotional eating journal: another day with no emotional eating that i can think of. i used IF through the day. i got a bit hungry about an hour before dinner so i had 1/4 of a protein bar. i researched the bob evans nutrition ahead of time and ordered exactly what i'd planned. i even had a few bites of vanilla ice cream without guilt. 11 carbs in a serving, and i had 1/4 of a serving. it was a nice treat. i tasted my food as it came out of the oven, but again, nothing to do with emotions. i was even kind of sad this morning and hunger didn't cross my mind. i remember a day not that long ago when i got really disappointed and my first thought was numbing it with an arby's roast beef sandwich or a subway footlong - bread and all.

i forgot to weigh myself today, so kind of looking forward to tomorrow morning to see if i've dropped any since monday. OH! my foot feels so much better today! i think i can try working out on friday. pretty excited! it will have been a whole week!

working toward goals.

i was shooting for a gallon of water today. i fell short, but i really tried, and i am happy with that. there were at least 2 bottles i drank purely because i was trying to reach the gallon. so tomorrow i'll try to get even closer.

i saved up all day so i could eat dinner. didn't make the best choice, but could have been worse i guess. i had two dirty martinis with 3 blue cheese stuffed olives in each. that's a lot of calories but not carbs. i should really do 2 alcohol-free weeks, however. then the server proposed reuben soup. what is this? well, it's heaven in a bowl. probably the best soup i've ever had. it's a creamy soup with flavors of garlic and onions, filed with tender brisket and sauerkraut, then topped with rye croutons and melted swiss, like french onion soup. i ordered mine without the croutons, but after i got home looked up soup recipes and found out they all have flour in them. so it wasn't innocent, but not HORRIBLE. i also had a grilled chicken salad with blue cheese, tomatoes and slivered almonds with ranch, but i ate less than half and i ordered the lunch size to begin with.

i didn't really eat emotionally today. i should not have ordered the soup, maybe the martinis made me do that. but truly it was an instance of something being so good, it was worth it. and i think with a coconut flour substitution and some xanthan gum, i may be able to make a low carb version at home.

i really want some of my leftover salad now but should go to bed happy to have been pretty successful and non-emotional today.

my foot is still busted, no improvement. thinking of trying hot yoga on sunday.

emotional eating journal.

hello blogees! it's been a week of emotional ups and downs on my diet, but for the most part i behaved. i had some moments of binging, but on keto-approved items like pork rinds (i know) and atkins bars. but i still need to get complete control of my emotions and particularly my boredom. i'm never hungry when i'm busy. but if i'm at home on the couch, i want to be snacking on this or that. i had a bowl of breyer's sugar free ice cream last night (about 3 servings' worth i bet) with peanuts and whipped cream, SF torani drizzled over the whole mess. THEN i had 2 SF reeses minis and a whitman's caramel. unnecessary.

but somehow, miraculously, i was down 2.5lb at tops tonight. far from my lofty 6lb goal, but for the entire week the scale wasn't budging, so i am pretty happy that today was the day.

the bad news is i've injured my foot or ankle, it's kind of a tossup about which is hurt. but it's hard to work, it hurts a lot, and i'm in an air cast. i don't know what this will mean for my running training, but i know i'm on rest for a few days and then elliptical instead of treadmill. i'm pretty sad about it, and scared.

we're supposed to keep an emotional eating journal every day this month for tops, and i am making this blog my journal. today i was in a good mood and untempted. i never eat before tops, so that wasn't hard. then after tops i rewarded myself with chipotle. it wasn't a bad decision regarding calories or carbs, but i had sort of told myself earlier in the day that i'd just concentrate on protein and fat this week and try not to eat many other carbs. but i had sour cream, cheese, guac...

tomorrow i am meeting a friend after work for martinis. we know those have the potential to get me into trouble with food. i am going to try to stick to just one. haha, right?

i just had a spoonful of almond butter for my "snack" and i feel pretty good, pretty in control. it feels good. now what am i going to do about exercise.... sigh.

proudy mcprouderton

i'm a bit too tired and lazy to say much tonight, but wanted you to know i'm still doing well. had another really good day. i didn't work out because my ankle is really giving me trouble, but more because i stayed in my hometown after work to go to my nephews' basketball game and dinner, and by the time i got back to home base, the gym was closed. i'll be there in the morning running #megsmiles. google that for info. sad story.

there is great news - the friend i mentioned the other day who had asked for some advice - she's already down four pounds doing keto and couch to 5k. i'm so proud! we just had lunch on TUESDAY! three days, four pounds, lots of happiness.

as for me, i'm only down a pound. i know it will start really moving again, but i have worked pretty hard this week so i am a little disappointed that i won't be going to tops with a 6lb loss. maybe next week! i need to get my whole gain off by the 24th weigh-in or i'll lose my 80lb charm. yikes!

that said, i really, REALLY, REALLY want to go get a big spoonful of almond butter right now!

binge. purge. binge.

WHAT is my problem today? i'm a bottomless pit, that's what. i had coffee and atkins bar for breakfast, check. i had egg beaters with sour cream, cheese and hot sauce, and 3pc bacon for lucy, check. but then i got home from work certain that i was about to pass out from starvation. i'd had tons of water today, so that wasn't it. i started picking and just kept going back to the kitchen for more, more, more. at the end of the day i'd taken in 1600 calories. not bad, but i'd like to keep that lower as i get back into my diet after my big gain. and my net carbs were only 16, so it's not like i was a huge pig, but i know my body and i know i won't lose anything. i didn't work out because my calf was hurting so much all day. i came home and iced it for awhile. i HAVE to work out tomorrow. maybe twice, even. i was so determined to lose 6lb before tops monday, and i don't think i've lost anything. it's frustrating when you've done so well, then lose control to such a degree, because your body does NOT pick up where it left off. so do yourself a favor, and don't cheat. just keep sucking it up, because the price you will pay isn't worth it. if only i could remember this when my tummy starts telling me that we're about to starve to death.

oh, the title of this blog! one of my treats was whitman's sugar free chocolate. which i love. but does not love me. so i've been in the bathroom, ohhhhhh, about 8 times tonight. but i keep going back for more snacks (not more chocolate, mind you) so it has been a binge/purge kind of night.

whitman's chocolate.... slash laxative. slash, delicious.

day two - still winning.

another successful day is in the books. i had an atkins bar and coffee for breakfast, and i even took the time to measure out my heavy cream for my coffee. lunch was a chicken breast which had some italian dressing on it - not thrilled with that, but i'll deal - , green beans and some salad. and for dinner, this monstrosity. low carb tortilla with buffalo dip as sauce, grilled chicken, cheddar, bacon, ranch, hot sauce and some grated parm. probably a BIT indulgent for day 2, but i ran OUTSIDE after work, so i felt ok about it. i didn't have any other snacks or treats today.

i got to have lunch with a really amazing friend i haven't been able to spend time with in many years. we became friends in 1st grade, bounced in and out of each other's lives through elementary school, lost touch in high school and recently reconnected when she moved back to the area. she was looking for inspiration in her journey toward a happier, healthier version of her wonderful self. and i was reminded that nothing motivates me more than motivating others. not skinny jeans or compliments or VS underpants... but having someone else say, "i want to do what you're doing, help me" just lights me up and reminds me that i am to be an example. in fact, that's part of the tops pledge that we recite each week:

"i am an intelligent person. i will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. every time i tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego or dull my senses, i will remember that my excess poundage is there for all the world to see, and i am to be an example of what tops can do as i take off pounds sensibly." 

the funny thing about the pledge is that it changed sometime during the years i was away from tops. it used to read "that my excess poundage is there for all the world to see how foolish i have been." i guess in the day and age of political correctness, we couldn't handle calling ourselves foolish. but we are oh so foolish at times, are we not? i made 100 foolish choices in the past 2 weeks, easily. so today i made at least 4 good choices, and canceled a few out. i'll knock out a few more tomorrow.

back to basics.

i'm so sorry i've been MIA. when i'm not doing well, i am not motivated to write. which is against everything i've learned and preached about. i'm very sorry. i had good days and bad days. a week ago i was up about 3 pounds. i had every opportunity to get ahold of myself, but then tops was cancelled due to weather, so i kept right on eating crap, and at tonight's weigh-in i had my first gain since i joined tops on april 22, 2013 and brace yourselves, it was a big one.

6.75 pounds.

that's right, i'm back up to 170. can you believe it? i can't, and i was here for every bite that got me there. although by the end of the evening, i was back into the 160's because i went to the gym twice tonight. i know a few pounds will come off very easily, it's water. the rest is cake and cookies and bread and a few fries. some japanese noodles. and overall, nothing very delicious. i didn't have a moment where i thought "THIS is worth it." it was just picking at this and that until i'd picked at everything available to me. how did this happen?

that is a multi-part answer.

culprit #1 - the holidays. i don't need to explain that. the first time all year i was faced with temptation after temptation, and almost all of it consisting of those "this is only available this time of year," like my mom's stuffing, or pumpkin creme brulee. i have said before that my willpower is unfortunately finite. so i indulged here and there. but as you know, i made it through my birthday, thanksgiving and christmas without gains at tops. but something else was happening in the background...

culprit #2 - getting too creative. i found that superbly awesome website, ruled.me, along with its facebook page counterpart. i started seeing all of these fabulous recipes and became a culinary phenom. i was making low carb pizza crusts out of cheese and eggs and almond flour. i made low carb spice cakes and frosting... and ate the whole thing. i made TWO batches of frosting - one for the cake and one to eat with a spoon. "hey, it's low carb!" yeah, but it's NOT low calorie or low fat. and those things DO have an impact, especially if you're not working out hard. which leads me to....

culprit #3 - end of 5k season. once my last race was over on december 21st, i lost some motivation to run. "i have plenty of time til the next race." i have been going to the gym here and there, but with nowhere near the regularity i was during race season. but i have committed to a 4.5 mile leg of a half-marathon relay team, so i need to keep training. i just really hate the gym. but i have to go there because...

culprit #4 - winter. it's so dark and cold and miserable. the christmas lights are gone and there's mud and snow and rain and cold and darkness and general gloom. when i get out of work, i want to be home on my couch. when i got out of work and it was 70 and sunny, i wanted to be in the park running.

culprit #5 - pressure. i have been working so hard to lose every week that i have created a terrible cycle. it seems like there was always some event or party going on during the week, and i would gain a couple of pounds. then i'd spend sunday and monday half starving, working out before tops in my heavy clothing to sweat out enough to get my loss - and i would get it. but then i'd come home and have a regular meal and be up a pound the next day, then spend the rest of the week repeating the cycle. so i had decided that for my first weigh-in of the year, i would let myself take a gain. i had some "regular" food over the weekend before last week's tops meeting. i ate a burger and fries at michael symon's b-spot, washed down with a vanilla bean bacon milkshake. had a few other treats. then they cancelled that meeting. my first thought was "i have a week to get this off," but then i kept putting it off and putting it off... baked that spice cake... next thing you know, 6 pounds. i am VERY capable of gaining 3lb per week indefinitely, which is how i got so fat after "the cookie" in 2011. it never levels off.

so i went tonight and took my gain. and they were horrified. imagine seeing me lose every single week for 35 weigh-in's, and then i show up with nearly a 7 pound gain. they were unhappy. i tried to act cool about it but i felt awful. especially when i realized tonight was our 6 month awards night, and i received biggest 6 month loser. i got a bank full of everyone's gain fines from the past 6 months, $10, a charm, a ribbon, a rose and a certificate, and i felt like a fraud accepting it tonight. i also got my 80 pound charm, but i need to lose 6.75 pounds all over again for it to be legit again.

so.... that's my motivation. i want to go to tops next week with all 6.75 off of me. it is going to take a LOT of work. and no more "making this out of that" as far as low carb recipes go. i lost this weight eating things like eggs, a few pieces of bacon, salads, chicken and fish. the basics. i went to the gym before AND after tops, then came home and had the meal i posted at the top. i feel good about it. i think the demons are out of my system now. my mom said if i lose 20lb by april, she will buy me any swimsuit i want. in my mind, that's 26.75 pounds, because the offer was made before we knew how much i'd gained.

so... here i am. girl who lost weight after her birthday. girl who lost weight after thanksgiving. girl who lost weight after christmas. and girl who gained a baby's worth of weight after new year's. oh well, it is what it is, right? all that matters is how i react to this. so far, so good. but it's only been one day. i'll check back in tomorrow.