40 days left

1/3 done!!! YAHOO MOUNTAIN DEW!
way too tired to say anything meaningful. today was a good day. i did eat some agedashi tofu and...you guessed it...edamame. otherwise, juice, juice, juice.

ohio state game tomorrow....7am wakeup call. so goodnight!

41 days left

ok, today felt like a deep breath. i am mostly recovered from my psychosis. i had some good pep talks from my mom and some friends. i didn't feel angry or starved today. i didn't have any edamame, but i did eat a few lima beans at my friend's house, and some iceberg lettuce with red wine vinegar and garlic on it. i'm ok with these things. they keep me feeling full, give me some protein and fiber, and they're healthy. or at least not detrimental. for the most part i just had juice and water today.

but tomorrow starts another weekend of difficulty. there's another pre-game meal at my house. i'm also invited to my friend's house before the game where they are having pumpkin cake and who knows what else. after the game i'm going to an alumni party (it's homecoming) where my ticket price includes food and beer. then saturday i'm going to the ohio state football game which includes 4 hours of tailgating. sigh. if my friend EVEN suggests stopping at skyline chili on the way home i'm dead meat.

i feel like i've been nothing but negative this week, so i'll touch on some good things. when i was walking in NYC i noticed that my arms weren't brushing against any rolls of fat above my waist. i used to have this "back bacon" that i wasn't really fully aware of until it was gone. i kept thinking, "something feels different," and i finally realized my arms were freely clearing the sides of my body. this morning i took my brand new jeans out of the dryer and put them right on without having to do any squats to stretch them. and they are in what (for me) is a respectable size. i.e. not the largest size on the shelf at old navy. when i got out of my car at the gym, i felt like my workout shorts were weird. i realized they were hanging lower than normal and needed the drawstring tightened. oh, and also, i found this picture of baby pandas snuggling each other. and while that has nothing to do with juice or weight loss, it definitely made my day better!

so thanks for sticking by me while i've gone through this tough week. i promise not to give up on me if you don't give up on me. good luck this weekend to all of my fellow juicers/rebooters.

who's your edamame? (or 42 days left)

HARD!!! today was HARD HARD HARD! i have been hungry and angry all day long. no part of me wants anything to do with juice. getting back on this is taking every ounce of my willpower. and i don't even feel good about the willpower, i feel downright pissy about it. i went to my nephew's soccer game tonight and spent the whole time thinking that when i left there i would go buy a whole pizza and secretly eat it ALL in my car. truly! i didn't do that, but i really wanted to.

today i had some green juice, apple juice and pomegranate juice. in addition i ate the cucumber slices from a friend's subway sandwich and another order of edamame. i can't get enough of it! i guess i feel like if soybeans are what keep me from going totally off the rails, then i'm going to eat soybeans. i do like how much protein they have. plus they are fun to eat. i don't know if eating some beans every day can derail the juice diet or not. if anyone has any insight on this, please comment or email me. i drank some tea this evening, and as soon as i have the currently washing clothes into the dryer, i'm going to bed. otherwise there's still a chance i could crack.

i'd give anything not to have gone to NYC. i was in a great place mentally with all of this before i left, and now i'm a basket case. getting back on the diet = so much harder than starting the diet. i'm not sure if it's the food that made me crazy, as in physiologically, or if this is all mental.

oh, i weighed this morning and gained 1.8 pounds this week. not TERRIBLE but i feel like i also need to count the 4 pounds i didn't lose, which i almost surely would have had i not lost control. so it's kind of a net gain of 6 pounds in my mind. unless i lose 10 pounds this week (i won't), then last week was a complete setback.

i need strength. sigh.

43 days left

i have a lot to say. so grab a juice and get comfy.

you may notice that i didn't subtract the number of days that i've been gone from my title. or that i didn't write last night. that's because the wheels fell off the wagon and i ate food every day i was gone. now i have to add days to my fast.

on friday i was very busy at work and only manged to get 120 calories of juice in me before my plane landed in new york city at 7pm. the port authority building had a jamba juice so i grabbed an "apples and greens" on my way to catch the bus to my friend's apartment. it was loaded with spirulina, which i have been drinking in my juice. but jamba blends juice with whole fruits and ice for a smoothie effect, and this was one grody smoothie. after every drink the inside of my mouth felt coated with slime from the blue green algae. i couldn't get it down, and i was starving. so that night i ordered from my favorite thai restaurant in NY. i kept it vegetarian---edamame and vegetable pad thai with marinated bean curd instead of chicken. i ate slowly, thinking it would probably really affect my stomach. but it didn't, so i kept shoveling it in until it was almost gone. SO good.

on saturday we went to the high line. it's a park built on an old elevated train track in chelsea. we walked about a mile and a half to the end, where there was a  beer garden and FOOD TRUCKS. i have a serious thing for food trucks. they affect the same part of my brain as foods on sticks. there was a korean kimichi truck, and they had vegetarian options! i had refried kimichi infused beans on wontons with queso, and kimichi tacos with falafel instead of pork. heaven. i couldn't even finish it all.

we attempted to visit quintessence later, the raw vegan place i mentioned in previous entries. that place has 4 tables and had a line out the door. it was going to be nearly a 2 hour wait, so we went back to the apartment. by the time we went back out that night it was nearly midnight and i was starving again. i had mac and cheese and hummus with carrot sticks. but they happened to have this irish cider that is really hard to find in the USA, so i had a pint of that. so good, but ugh.

the next day to make up for not having been to quintessence, and to honor debbie, and to feed my food truck addiction, we found a vegan food truck in hoboken called "the cinnamon snail." everything sounded so good! i had a raw pizza. if this had been my first meal after juice, i probably would have appreciated it more. the flax crust was...flaxy. and i tried a vegan cupcake. not bad, but definitely not a substitute for the high-test stuff. i also tried red curry grilled tofu, and really enjoyed it.

later that day we attended an arts and music festival, a half-mile long street fair. oh, the food! i had an ear of roasted corn, a pumpkin whoopie pie and a corn pancake with melted mozzarella in the middle. i was certain this would be my last solid food. but then...

at the airport they needed 3 people to give up seats on my flight in exchange for a free round trip ticket from the airline, plus a night in a hotel and the first flight out in the morning. i RAN to volunteer and was chosen. an hour later i found myself in a clarion hotel in NYC with a voucher for a meal. i got a veggie burger and fries, and a beer. my friend tom had sent me home with 4 cupcakes from a renowned bakery which i intended to give my family. well a night alone in a hotel room....and that cakey "crack" next to me....2 cupcakes went into my mouth. gah!!!

the next morning, having been bumped to first class, i was given a bowl of fruit and tea on the plane first. then a basket of snacks was passed, and i took milano cookies (that i never ate) and fridays potato skins (which i did eat). when i got to work i had a glass of green juice. but all day i was haunted. i know that one "slip" doesn't mean you should ruin a whole day, but i have always fallen victim to that mindset-- "i ate pizza for lunch so i should have a blizzard while i'm blowing it." ALL day yesterday i was dying for a beef brisket sandwich and fries from blazin' burgers, near my house. i couldn't get it out of my head. after a whole weekend of at LEAST keeping vegetarian, all i could think of was this big meaty pile on a bun topped with cheddar and slaw. i didn't eat all day, trying to just give my stomach time to rest and process.

i went to my friend's house after work and kept talking about the brisket. she said "maybe you should just do it so you can get it out of your head and get a fresh start tomorrow." that's all it took. 20 minutes later i had a pile of fries and a sandwich half the size of my head. i ate most of the fries, then started on the sandwich. luckily i only ate about 1/4 before i was full and disgusted with myself. but then i had another cupcake. fail, fail, fail. when i got home i put the rest of the sandwich in the garbage disposal.

this morning i woke up excited about getting back to the juice. i still felt full and gross and ashamed from last night. i had my warm lemon water, then a glass of green juice this morning. i had a lunch meeting where they served pizza, chips and cookies, and i agonized like an addict, but i didn't have any. back at work a restaurant had sent over a pan of sloppy joes and buns, and the smell filled the air. i didn't cave, and instead had a glass of pomegranate juice. about 15 minutes later i started to feel sick. my stomach was making terrible sounds and i felt like i was about to lose my juice...and i did. then "the other end" got into the spirit of things and sent me back into the bathroom. after that i felt weak and my stomach was still making awful noises, but i was so certain i wasn't sick.  after an hour or so i felt mostly better. still a little "ick," but no more bathroom emergencies. i decided not to go to zumba however, thinking that jumping and sweating might not be a good plan. around 7 i went to the japanese restaurant and got some edamame (steamed soybeans) and clear soup. i felt like i needed something in my stomach, but kept it light and veggie. then i had some sugar free jello. so while today was not technically all juice, it was the best i could do with the circumstances i had. i felt so much better after eating that little bit of food, and i'm fully prepared to do all juice again tomorrow. i think my digestive system just finally had enough of my ridiculousness. in particular, the meat. i ate all of those things i described over the weekend without any consequence. then 4-5 bites of meat and then i'm a juice fountain into the toilet bowl the next day. lesson learned.

i will say that mentally i am finding it harder to get back on this than it was to start it. i know what i'm in for now, and it was so nice this weekend trying new and delicious things. but i know i will pay the price for that (and missing zumba on saturday, sunday and tuesday) on the scale tomorrow morning. hopefully that will motivate me to get back on the plan and stay on it.

all in all, it was a really fun weekend, and i'm glad i went in one respect. but i would not purposely book another trip until my juice fast is over. i cannot be trusted with myself, and once i give myself an inch, i take 6 miles and a brisket sandwich.

i truly feel like an alcoholic, but food is my hooch. i make myself sick sometimes.

44 days left

start spreadin' the news...i'm leavin' tomorrow. and it can't get here soon enough. i am so ready for a break from everything! it has been a roller coaster week.

i guess the good thing about my stupid week is that the hard parts distracted me from the fact that i haven't eaten in 16 days! now i'm heading to NYC, where i will have a vegan meal at some point. i'm so looking forward to it! i've been reading reviews for the past hour, trying to make sure i go to the best place. it's my one "cheat" during this, so it has to be good!

it was a good day from a juice standpoint. i did zumba tonight. i was a little tired and didn't push myself too hard, which i don't think is a bad thing. my phenomenal instructor/friend sally has been ultra supportive of me through this, and i'm sure she understands that my body is in a transitional phase, and i need to keep myself working out at only a moderate level during the fast.

tonight i had my blood sugar tested. a good pre-meal blood sugar is 80-120. mine was 90. i wish i knew what it was 3 weeks ago! the fit i threw before getting "stuck" made me realize more than ever why i need to get healthy. if i had to do that several times a day along with insulin shots, i would FLIP. OUT. my nurse brother had to hold my hand and stick my finger while i held onto my mom with my other hand and screamed. then i proclaimed that i was hemorrhaging and needed a tourniquet.  

i have had some wonderful interactions in the past few days with some people on the reboot website. that's the community for people who started with the documentary "fat, sick and nearly dead." i'm getting over 100 blog hits per day now, mostly from rebooters. it's kind of amazing to see that there are people as far away as australia following my journey. these people have become important to me even though we are strangers, because i know i am setting the example for everyone who has fewer days behind them than i do. i feel like i owe them all my best effort, because if i give up, they may feel like they can't succeed either. i want to inspire, not discourage.

all i can tell my fellow juicers is that it does get better. it never gets easy, but it gets manageable. if you can get through 5 days, then it starts to get a little better each day after that. the time will pass by whether you are juicing or not. so why not use these next 60 days to reboot your body and become a better version of yourself?

i'm not taking my laptop to new york, so i will catch up with you on monday evening. enjoy your weekend!

45 days left

well today was totally sucky, but it didn't have anything to do with juicing. it was just a bad, bad day.

but there was one really amazing bright spot, courtesy of my friend debbie. you've read about her along the way. she inspired me to do this, and has supported me with helpful links, information and advice. she read about the raw vegan restaurant i plan to eat at in NYC and sent me some money so i'd be able to afford an extra special meal. that gesture meant so much to me. it's overwhelming to think about her being proud of me and truly caring how my days go. debbie's husband dick was one of the most important people in my life, and he passed away last summer. debbie's friendship is his enduring gift to me. she too has become one of the most important people in my life.

after my (otherwise) bad day i just came home and laid in my bed and watched tv. after a couple of hours my mom came to tell me there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. it made me feel a little better. how can you look at something so random, so pretty, and still feel ugly on the inside? so thank you debbie and thank you rainbow for cheering me up today!

speaking of rainbows, i have been making an effort to drink one every day. i read that it's important to try to drink every color, every day. but i always fail on "blue." have you seen the cost of blueberries? to get enough juice to be worthwhile, i'd be spending $40 a week just on blue bleepin' berries! but between my lean green and my tomato-based juices, i hit all of the other colors. is there anything else that's blue that i'm not thinking of??? schnozberries?

and finally, i have this week's weigh-in result: i lost 4.3 pounds. i am thrilled with this, as i met my 4.2 pound goal. that means that in my first 14 days of juicing i lost 13.3 pounds. i need to lose 9.5 pounds to be back below my lowest "recent" weight, in may 2010. that's my next small goal. when i reach it, i'm buying new jeans. i'll try to keep them dry.

46 days left

***WARNING - this blog entry contains explicit food references! Rated NSFHJ - not suitable for hungry juicers***

pictured to the left is the meal i am going to eat in new york city this weekend. instead of stressing about "will i or won't i eat," i have made the decision to eat a meal. i found a raw vegan restaurant called quintessence. according to the many reviews i mentally binged on last night, the mexican platter is the best thing going:

Our incredibly delicious enchilada - golden flax and corn tortilla filled with "refried beans", "cheese", tomato and lettuce drenched with mole sauce and finished with a dollop of "sour crème" paired with our new amazing tostada. Served with Guajillo chili sauce and garlic scallion wild rice.

ok, so they don't get any points from me for comma placement, but i will happily try this meal. by saturday i will be on day 18 of the fast, almost 33% finished, and i feel like i can have a meal without blowing the whole thing. but i am keeping it raw and vegan as to not confuse my body too much. i'm so excited to try something like this.

i should note that before writing this blog, i was checking out this link to the top 10 new foods at fairs.  i am intrigued by deep fried butter on a stick and buffalo chicken wrapped in a pancake deep fried on a stick. i do admit to loving any foods that are served on sticks! this is why i'll be steering clear of my county's fair this week.

today i was hungry. i drank juice ALL DAY. there was almost never a moment when i didn't have juice in front of me. i don't know what my problem was. after zumba and yoga i warmed up a bowl of "very veggie" and ate it like tomato soup. my dad said, "are you eating food?" i said i was eating warm juice, and he scrunched up his face and said, "that's not healthy, you need some food." finally my dad weighs in! i said, "being fat isn't healthy," and he didn't say anything else.

today i decided that i'm married to this "arrangement" for the whole 60 days. i'm committing to it like a spouse. while i may have a wandering eye, i will not cheat on it. except we have a special agreement regarding the vegan meal this weekend. it's kind of like that list of "five celebrities you have no chance with so you can sleep with them if you're asked" that some couples have. i might need to put melt bar and grilled on that list too, because it's my favorite place in the world to eat, and my friend's boyfriend owns it so sometimes "melt happens." the good news is they have vegan options....even though i really want the grilled cheese sandwich with lasagna on it and some pumpkin pecan bread pudding. melt's menu is hardcore food porn. for example, that entire sandwich in the picture has been deep fried. luckily for my non-pissed-in favorite jeans, it doesn't come on a stick.

47 days left

for once i don't have much to share, because today was a perfectly normal day. i worked, i drank my juice, i spent time with friends, i watched tv, i read a book. it was a normal life, but with juice instead of food. this is the day i've been waiting for: a day when i didn't think about juicing as if it was a weight hanging around my neck.

i will admit that i had some serious hunger as i watched "the great food truck race" on the food network. and when i watched my dad and brother eat taco bell after work. but no matter what diet i was on, i shouldn't be eating taco bell anyway.

i actually felt smaller today. then my friend's daughter took my picture and showed me, and i realized i'm still enormous on the outside. but on the inside, i feel different. where normally i would "treat" myself to a caramel frosty shake and some fries, today i treated myself to a shot of wheatgrass juice. the times, they are a'changin'.

on a completely unrelated note, i found a new product i love. it's these little balls you shake into the washing machine, and they make your clothes smell SO good. find them in your laundry aisle! at $7.00 a jar they are a little splurgey, but you're worth it. i couldn't stop sniffing myself all the livelong day.

i can't believe i haven't eaten (unless you're still holding that lima bean incident against me) for 13 days. what's more, i haven't physically harmed anyone in the process. i feel as though a trophy is in order.

48 days left

well there are just a few of the cupcakes and a mexican dinner i didn't eat on saturday. there were four flavors of cupcakes, and at the end of the night i realized that pre-juice, i would have eaten at LEAST one of each flavor...on top of chips, salsa, queso, a meal, and margaritas. so i entered what i would have eaten into my calorie counter and the total was 3,729 calories, 5,901 grams of sodium and 136 grams of fat. and that's just for that one meal. i can't believe how easy it is to rack up more than a day's worth of calories at one celebration. i'll tell you...my stomach was growling and i was hungry as i watched 20 others eat meals and cake....but i didn't feel sorry for myself, or angry or hurt. i felt happy. happy for them that they were all enjoying themselves, and happy for me that i had the willpower to say no while still having a good time.

i apologize to my fellow juicers who are probably cursing me for posting those pictures on here!

today was a great day. i went to church, took a sunday drive with my family, watched the browns win, then went to zumba. between activities i guzzled green juice, grape juice and carrot juice. it's interesting to note how in tune with my body i've become. i had a headache while we were driving around the lake, and my mom asked if i wanted advil. i'm trying not to put anything but water and plant-based nutrition into my body, so i declined. when we got home i drank about 8oz of green juice and the headache disappeared within 5-7 minutes. my body just needed nutrients and hydration.

i feel like i've been jumping hurdles, each one getting a little bit bigger leading up to the biggest of all. it stared with that golf outing on week 1. then my mom's party in week 2. now i'm going to find myself in new york city in 5 days. one of the reasons i most enjoy going there is the food. falafel, food trucks, gelato, stuffed cupcakes, chocolate covered bacon, thai delivery, cuban tapas, festivals, pizza...need i go on? i won't, as i can hear my juicers swearing at me again. my friend whom i'm visiting suggested we go to a raw food restaurant. i'd be eating, but it would still be raw vegan. a treat without a cheat. i'm going to just see what happens when i get there.

oh, another note about saturday...my sister-in-law found out what i'm doing and we can add her to the "that sounds so unhealthy" response category. maybe i should send her the calorie/sodium/fat count for what i would have eaten if i hadn't been feasting on wheatgrass, barley grass, cucumbers, kale, apples, peaches, grapes, celery, chlorella and spirulina. then let's discuss what sounds unhealthy.

i'm going into monday with no fear. i am going to dominate this week.

49 days left

i'm out of the 50's and into the 40's for days left! that is reason to celebrate!

basically i am WAY too tired to write anything meaningful. but the headline for the day is that i didn't cave while watching 20 others devour mexican food and cupcakes. i will admit to dragging my finger through some frosting and licking it off, but no actual cake was consumed. i busied myself taking photos and socializing, and it really wasn't bad at all. i feel fantastic!

50 days left

today was a pretty good day. that mess you see to the left went through my juicer last night and became lunch for debbie and me today. we had a great time catching up, talking about everything from politics to nutrition! she even liked my juice better than the bottled juice i bought at the health food store. i have to say, today's batch was the best yet. i added 2 extra apples which really helped.

tonight was the first anticipated hurdle of my weekend-- the arrival of east of chicago pizza, loaded nachos and wings to my home. i played with my niece in the living room while the others ate, then took a walk with her. then we went to the football game where everyone around me had popcorn, hot dogs, nachos and hot chocolate. i stared to get really hungry. i left after halftime as planned to go to a friend's house. when i stopped at home i saw the mostly demolished nacho box on the counter and "binged" on about 6 sliced black olives and a banana pepper ring. then i pounded a giant glass of mean green and went to my friend's, feeling pretty good.

i realized that the worst part of tonight's festivities was anticipating it all week. i worried all day about if i would have the willpower to pass it up. it's weird to worry about something as if it's an unknown when i was in complete control of the situation. why was i stressing about it when i could have just told myself, "you will not cave?" i guess because i have failed myself so many times, i feel like i am on the edge of a cliff every minute of every day. but getting through tonight gave me a lot of confidence for tomorrow night at the mexican restaurant. i will over-indulge in the happiness and leave the food to the others. i'm not really worried about it now. then again, i haven't laid eyes on the decadent cupcakes yet.

i had to tell my sister about the juice fast tonight and her response was, "you're going to end up in the hospital." know what will put me in the hospital? my BMI of 36. i have to lose 37 pounds before i will even be out of the "obese" range and simply "overweight." 66 pounds until "normal." so that has become my goal, to be certifiably normal, at least in that one way. i won't be there by the end of the 60 days, but i'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. my goal is to lose 4.2 pounds per week for the rest of the fast. i don't know if that is realistic or not, and there's not really much i can do to control it beyond juicing and exercising at my regular rate. but based on losing 9 pounds the first week, i don't think 4 in the subsequent weeks seems like too much to hope for. it just means ONE thing. NO cupcakes.

51 days left

for those of you who have been following along at home, last week i made a claim that if i could lose 10 pounds and fit back into my favorite jeans, i would put them on and piss right in them out of happiness. well there's good news and good news: i was able to wear them today, but i did not soil them. for proof of the former, see the photo to the left. in light of this development i took my measurements again tonight. over 7 measurements i lost 9 inches this week, 3 of them from my waist. this amazed me even more than the 9 pounds.

tomorrow i get to have lunch with debbie who planted this seed in my head in the first place. i have a big pitcher of green juice all ready for us! i can't tell you how excited i am to have a "meal" with someone who supports what i'm doing and who wants to join me in one of MY meals. i've been watching everyone else eat for 9 days...for one meal i get to feel normal, and i can't wait.

but tomorrow evening starts another difficult weekend. before home football games my sister's family always comes over for dinner. tomorrow's menu is pizza, loaded nachos and wings. then a chilly football game with no hot chocolate...i'm already sad! on saturday we're having a surprise party for my mom at a mexican restaurant complete with the world's best cupcakes. i'm already sad about that too. i got an email from my girlfriends tonight inviting me out for dinner/drinks this weekend. and so on. i just have to keep telling myself that no one is eating anything that won't exist in 52 days, and that dropping another 20-30 pounds before that NYC gig in november would feel much better than eating pizza and cupcakes. to anyone who isn't or hasn't dieted, it probably sounds absurd to say i'll be sad and angry over missing a couple of meals. but it's so hard. you feel like there's a spotlight on your fat. no one else there is in such a desperate situation that they have to give up food for 2 months. it's a lonely place when everyone around you is eating and having a great time and your tummy is growling as you see it and smell it. when you're on a "normal" diet you can at least have some sort of food in front of you so people don't really notice what you are or are not doing. i have contemplated ordering just beans on saturday. couldn't they pass as a thick juice? heh.

but i have my eye on the prize, and i'll get through it all. before i know it i'll be writing sunday's blog, and i'll feel so good about surviving the weekend. i'll go to zumba on saturday and sunday and burn some extra calories, and i'll go to church on sunday and pray for another week's worth of strength. and maybe for a juice that tastes like cupcakes.

52 days left

well today was the BIG day! i woke up early and could have hit snooze two more times, but i was so anxious to find out what the scale would say. i'll spare you the big verbal drumroll.... i lost 9 pounds this week. not one ounce more or less, 9 pounds exactly. i was thrilled! i have never had a big first week loss like that on any diet...and i've been on a lot of them! it was worth every sacrifice, every icky mean green.

today was a fine day. i watched a friend eat subway, and i was fine. watched another friend eat chili and i was fine. when i got home i sat at the table with my family while they ate, and i drank coconut water. my juices today were still the pre-made juices i was using yesterday. i went back to the health food store after work and saw what i had missed yesterday--a bottle of juice by lakewood called "lean green." it looks and smells as bad as what i've been making at home, but tastes so much better. i'll stop in there tomorrow and ask connie to order me 10 bottles. that way i can go back and forth between making my own and using the bottled kind. it will save me work and it will give my taste buds a much needed break.

in celebration i had a small cheat tonight. i was at a friend's house and they had just picked a big bowl full of lima beans from their garden. when they were ready to eat dinner she gave me a bowl full of these boiled beauties. they were delicious! i didn't feel a bit guilty as i popped each bean into my mouth one at a time, fresh from the garden. a-maz-ing. i enjoyed it so much more than the last blizzard i had, when i was all bloated and unappreciative of food.

speaking of that blizzard...

i have tried to keep this juicing thing on a need-to-know basis as far as friends, family and co-workers go. but as the week went on, i had to tell a variety of people for one reason or another. today one of my co-workers found out, and his reaction was similar to many of the others. in a nutshell, it was, "that doesn't sound healthy. you can't do that forever. you won't get enough protein." and so on.

it occurred to me that never once have any of these people expressed concern about what i was eating. and if you could see me, you would know they should have. take labor day for example. i drove home from columbus, and on the way stopped for a fresh banana malt. when i got into town i met some friends at a mexican restaurant where i ate a basket of chips and salsa, a fried chimichanga, a taco, beans, 3 margaritas and a shot of tequila. i went home and napped and a few hours later met the same friends at a japanese restaurant where i had 2 maki rolls (large ones) and edamame. i left there and went to dairy queen with a friend and had an oreo blizzard. not once that day did anyone say, "this doesn't seem healthy. you can't eat this way forever. you're not getting all of the nutrients you need." but eating that way was sending me to an early grave. now i'm consuming pounds worth of produce each day in the form of juice, and THIS is what is concerning my friends and family?

i realize this doesn't mean there wasn't concern about the way i was eating before. and certainly most people wouldn't feel comfortable telling a girl that she's eating like a pig. but i am surprised at the initial lack of support most people offer. if you are here reading this, you are probably not one of those people. i don't give the link to the disbelievers.

so...now begins a new week, a new resolve. i don't WANT to do another week of this, but how could i not? i learned so much this week about food, my body, the companies who control what we eat....and about my own willpower. it wasn't that hard. let's see how week 2 goes. i'm ready....are you?

7 weeks left

that's right, loyal readers: week one is in the books! and today could not have been a better juice day! i went to dover healthy alternatives on my way to work to see if they had any bottled juices that would work for me. jackpot! i got a bottle of organic apple juice that simply contains the juice of 3lb of apples. i splurged on a bottle of organic concord grape juice by the same company (lakewood), and then saw they make organic v8-type vegetable juice and snagged that. it also contains the juice of 3lb of vegetables. on a whim i picked up a bottle of coconut water with aloe vera in it. i had just read about the benefits of consuming aloe over the weekend and was stoked to find this in the cooler. my total was $19.21. that probably sounds like a lot, but let me say this. the produce for juicing has been costing me around $12 per day, and it takes me around 45 minutes to make the juice. i was thrilled to get delicious, organic juice for only a few extra dollars that i didn't have to make myself. and the bottles were large enough that i have some left for tomorrow. i'll have to make a mean green tomorrow after work, but that's ok.

so here's the best part. the veggie juice was nice and thick with little bits of onion and garlic in it. after a couple of drinks a lightbulb went on. i warmed it up in the microwave slightly and ate it with a spoon like tomato soup. it felt like eating real food, and i had two big servings. i was careful to only slightly warm it, as vegetables lose massive amounts of their valuable micro-nutrients when they are cooked or heated. if only i could have had a dover high school cafeteria grilled cheese with the hard crust and gooey greasy center with my soup!

after work i went to zumba and yoga and truly felt great. the coconut water is full of potassium and made a great workout beverage tonight. when i got home i took a nice long bubble bath, which has become one of my go-to activities when i am bored and craving crap.

so tomorrow is the big day...my one week weigh-in. if you see me eating a big mac tomorrow around noon, you'll know it was something like a pound or two. if it's 5 or more, i'll be heading back to dover heathy alternatives for more veggie juice and coconut water!

if you're interested in the coconut water, click here. and check this out to learn about  lakewood organic juices.

54 days left

i may have to change the titles soon because i don't see me lasting 60 days. nor am i sure i need to. i'm starting to think i could do better if i kept the juice in place but added in some whole fruits and veggies too. we will see. i'm going to finish this week, weigh myself, then make a decision.

today was no better or worse than the other weekdays. i wasn't that hungry, but i was craving things. i've learned there is a difference. i kept vacillating between trying not to look at or think of food, and almost fantasizing about it, trying to make myself comfortable with the idea of looking at it, smelling it, hearing about it and knowing it will still be there when i'm ready to adopt a different plan for eating.

my main problem continues to be my dislike for the vegetable juice. it's not so bad i gag on it, but bad enough that i just want to get it over with each time i'm drinking one. i went to robek's today and got a celery-carrot-spinach juice. let someone else do the work, and try a new mixture. it was....ok...at first. then i started to hate it. i got as much in me as i could. it didn't really agree with me, and i felt a little gross for awhile. later in the evening i drank a big, big glass of mean green. tough. i have GOT to figure out what i can drink that tastes good and gives me the nutrition i need. i'm going to try a mean green without celery, maybe that will help.

tomorrow, being my 7th day, i plan to rest. that means i am buying my juice at the store pre-made. naked juice is a good option, it's all natural, just juice. so i'll stop by giant eagle on my way to work for a red, green and blue.

the thing about this diet, eating plan, whatever you want to call it....is it makes time crawl. i feel like day one was FOREVER ago. i really want to see this through until i go to NYC in november with the band i work for. we're all making an effort to lose weight and i think this is my best shot at achieving a noticeable loss by that date. but hearing my family discuss the pizza they'll order this friday, my mom's birthday being on saturday, a trip to new york next weekend....where do i draw my line in the sand?

as usual, i think i just need to sleep and tomorrow i'll feel a new resolve. by 11pm i've usually had all i can take of the juicing. i want this to become "just a way of life" instead of being the thing i think about 24/7. i need a break from thinking about it. i need a break from mean green!

55 days left

i've cried a lot today. not from hunger, but from the many emotional 9/11 tributes i've watched all day, and at my church's service. it made me so thankful to be alive and relatively healthy, and it brought back the memories of that day. yesterday in zumba a lady mentioned that she always spends september 10th doing whatever makes her the happiest, because that was the last day so many people ever had...and we never know which day may be our final chance to live. i plan to adopt that theory on future september 10ths.

as far as the juicing goes, today was a much better day mentally than yesterday. i sat at bob evans and watched others eat their pancakes, french toast, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns and coffee...while i enjoyed decaf tea. their food sure looked and smelled good, but i was in a positive mood and felt strong. i'd had an orange/lemon/lime juice before i went. then i went to church and prayed for strength during this fast. there are a lot of references to fasting in the bible and i intend to spend some time studying the subject.

after church i had a mean green and watched some 9/11 coverage. when that got to be too much i decided to watch food inc. on netflix. i had never seen it, but from what i had heard, it would go a long way toward making me not want to eat any animals anytime soon. i was not disappointed. then i watched a documentary my biggest juice supporter/friend/cheerleader debbie told me about called forks over knives. some amazing research has been done into the effects of eating a plant-based diet. cancers and heart diseases prevented and reversed, people able to discontinue medications, drastic reductions in blood sugar and bad cholesterol. the way our food is produced, the chemicals that go into it.... it's amazing our cancer rate isn't 100%.

but let's be honest. my main motivation for this juice fast is to lose weight. i weighed myself this morning and was pleased with the result. but i'm going to wait until it's been a full week before i reveal the number, because i want to give my body a chance to adjust. it could go up or down a couple of more pounds between today and wednesday.

i am concerned about if i'm getting enough calories each day. it has become so hard for me to keep track of exactly what i'm consuming. i make my juice the day before, and i don't always drink everything i make. and other times i make an additional juice after work. i SHOULD be writing down exactly what goes into every batch and trying to count my calories that way, but i'm already so overwhelmed by the shopping, washing, chopping, shoving and cleaning routine. i trust my body to tell me if i need more or less. this morning i felt a little cruddy until i drank a big glass of water at bob evans. i think i just need to focus on making sure i'm getting that 90oz of water in each day along with the juice.

for my fat, sick, and nearly dead reboot readers, i should mention that i've completely discontinued ginger in my mean green. after the day when i'd added too much, i just can't take the sight, smell or taste of it anymore. that seems to be my big problem with all of the veggie-based juices...not the taste, but the smell. i had a very enjoyable spicy v8 type concoction today where i mixed together every savory veggie i had in the fridge. it was pretty good but smelled awful.

i'm happy to be going back to work tomorrow because it's such a nice distraction from the juicing. being at home this weekend and in those social situations was difficult. but i'm really trying to redefine "difficult." firefighters running up 37 floors of a terror-attacked building was difficult. cancer is difficult. the new york times crossword puzzle is difficult. this is about strength, health, and a deep desire to prove wrong all of those people who are probably thinking "she'll never be able to do this." not that i blame them; there are times when i don't think i can do this either.

today is the day you can either prove someone right about your weaknesses, or prove them all wrong. i'm going into tomorrow determined to show them what i'm made of. what are YOU going to do tomorrow?

56 days left

today was hard.

let me start from the beginning though. i went to zumba at 8, hula hoop at 9, then yoga. i followed the lower-intensity instructor at zumba but my shirt was still soaked with sweat, so not an easy workout. i didn't feel malnourished or anything. i came home and had a mean green, then hit the couch. that's when the trouble began:  food commercials. then boredom. my go-to entertainment would have been going to subway for a footlong and some chips and soda. i truly felt like, "if i can't EAT, what am i supposed to DO all day?" sad, but true. so i took a nap. got up an hour later and started working on some juice for this evening and tomorrow. mid-juicing, my mom came into the kitchen and started making hamburgers for her and my dad. that's when i "cheated" and popped a couple of chunks of pineapple into my mouth that i was cutting to be juiced. at that point i just abandoned what i was doing and went and took a bubble bath while my parents ate dinner. when the food had been cleared away i finished my juice project and cleaned up. i decided i had to get out of the house, so i went to visit a friend. on her stove was some leftover homemade pizza that looked amazing. then i watched her husband stand at the counter eating leftover fajitas. then a neighbor stopped by with some of her homemade chocolate treats like white chocolate cashew bark. while i was not feeling physically hungry--no pangs or growling--mentally i was starving. i started craving, of all things, ramen noodles. i finally left so i could come home and go to sleep.

today is the first time that i have felt like there's no way i can do this for 60 days. or 30, or another week. i need to sleep and get through tomorrow, then reevaluate when i'm back at work and busy all day. i think being busy is the absolute key.

i also just wish i enjoyed the juice. i already dread making it, smelling it and drinking it. and it's not that it's terrible, it's just not delicious. of course i LOVE the fruit juice. the citrus, the apples, pineapple, melon. if i could do this strictly on fruit i'd be much happier. i just need to find the right recipe for veggie-based juice. i tried to make a v8 type last night and put too much hot pepper in. tonight i added more tomato and carrots, garlic and then more cheating--a few dashes of worcestershire sauce. i just couldn't bear to waste all of that juice but it wasn't drinkable otherwise.

so. tomorrow is another day. i'm having "breakfast" at bob evans with a friend, which i scheduled before i knew i'd be on a juice fast. she's not in town often, so i can't cancel. i plan to just ask for hot water with a lemon slice.

my hope is that today was not the norm, that i'll be back to feeling positive again tomorrow or monday. i am going to make this last one week no matter what. then i'll make a descion. for now, the goal is still 60 days.

57 days left

today was a raging success. not only did i resist all temptation, but i was a phenom on the golf course! seriously i was awake at 4am last night stressing about not eating the steak and about not hitting a decent ball. but i breezed through the cold-cuts and chips lunch without blinking an eye, downed two bottles of mean green juice on the course, and played halfway decently considering my skill-level. then i bolted before i made eye contact with any form of beef. my friend who i was golfing with even waved his cookie in my face and it didn't devastate me.

after golf i went to aldi to check out their produce. finally, a sort-of success. it's not like they're giving it away, but in the past 4 days i have been to walmart, giant eagle, beuhler's and the farmer's market, and aldi definitely had the best prices. came home and made a delish citrus juice to reward myself for a good day, then i made a batch of mean green and a haphazard v8 type for tomorrow.

last night i had a dream that someone gave me ice cream with brownies in it and i started eating it without remembering my juice fast. even though this is going well i have total anxiety about it. about if i can sustain it, about if i can afford it, about if i'll have time to make the next day's juice, about how i'll navigate social situations. sometimes i wish i could go to the store and buy my juice pre-made. but i think the novelty of making it myself kind of keeps this interesting, even though it's a total messy pain. my mom filed a complaint that everything in the house has been sticky this week.

i'll leave you with my very refreshing juice of the day:

2 oranges
1/2 lemon
1 small lime

if you love sour like i love sour, you will ask this juice to marry you!

58 days left

well. day 2 is over and i have to say....not too bad. i am hungry right now and it started with a mounds bar commercial. the dumb thing is that i don't even really like those. if i was going to go to the candy bar store right now for a 2 minute shopping spree, mounds bars would remain on the shelf untouched alongside paydays and peanut butter snickers. which, for the record, are a crock of shit. they look great on paper, but your candy bar dollar would be better spent on a take 5. just sayin'.

i wonder if i could cram one of those through a juicer...

anyway. i weighed this morning and was down 3.5 pounds from yesterday. water weight, obviously, but still a welcome sight. i added some orange juice to today's mean green recipe and that made it MUCH better. i wasn't hungry all day, even after zumba. and i didn't feel nutrient deprived when i worked out.

i can say that i woke up and went straight for the bathroom without hitting snooze, if you know what i mean.

tonight i made tomorrow's juice. i screwed it up and put in too much ginger. so after cleaning the whole juicer i had to shove a lemon, an orange and 2 cucumbers through it to mix with the mean green to make it decent. it's still too gingery. i think i'm going to try a batch without ginger and see what happens.

i intended for tonight's blog to be a short rundown of today's juice info and then mostly a list of reasons why i want to lose weight. but i think i'm too tired. it started during zumba when i was thinking about how i want to lose 10 pounds fast so i can fit back into my favorite jeans. if i can do that in 2 weeks time i'll put them on and them piss right in them out of happiness.

tomorrow is my first real test. i'm playing in a golf outing...lunch, steak dinner, etc....all will have to be turned down. it's going to be tough. no beer on the golf course? gah.

i feel like this blog is super boring. luckily i've only given the link to one person so far. i'll try to spruce it up in the future.

59 days left

end of day 1 and i haven't ripped anyone's face off today. i'm pretty pleased with the way i feel. not tired, not cranky, not hungry. at the end of my first day of the beachbody fast i was seriously angry and food was all i could think about. this is different.

now for the downside... i don't love the juice. i made the mean green recipe used in the documentary and took it to work. the more i sipped at it, the harder it got to deal with it. it has kind of a freshly mowed grass flavor, with a touch of sweetness. i was prepared for that. what i wasn't ready for was the heavy salt flavor added by the celery. then i came home at lunchtime and made a batch of another recipe on the reboot website. this one had a sweet potato, beet, carrot, orange, and apple in it. it tasted like straight beet juice with a touch of sweet potato. awful. i choked down one glass. a friend told me to try adding a citrus fruit to the mean green to help with the taste. so i went to the store and got oranges and a pineapple. i added orange juice to the rest of the beet recpie and it's palatable now. and i made tomorrow's batch of mean green with a little less celery, and added the juice of 2 oranges. it also seemed better. trial and error i suppose.

i shopped at the local farmer's market today expecting some great deals. when i went to giant eagle later i saw that most of what i bought at the market was cheaper at the store. i guess i'll take solace in the fact that it's locally grown without pesticides. but since it was a melon and 8 cucumbers (thick skins) that barely matters anyway. live and learn.

so i know it's only been one day, but i am really thrilled that the mental aspect was so easy. i even sat next to my brother while he ate cheese sticks and a salad from a favorite italian restaurant. i weighed myself and took my measurements. i'm ready for day 2. i hope it feels as good as day one, and i hope it tastes better!

the last supper

tonight is either the eve of an epic success or an epic failure. there's likely no middle ground.

for quite some time my friend debbie has talked to me about the benefits of a raw diet and juice fasts or feasts. more and more i began seeing other friends discuss it on facebook. finally i watched the documentary "fat, sick and nearly dead," and i was sold. 60 days of nothing but fresh vegetable and fruit juice is changing lives worldwide. i have tried every other stupid diet, why not try one more? i think some people have to be convinced about the science, the nutrition. i'm sold on that part. it's simply a matter of "can i do this?" i did a 2 day beachbody fast in the spring and nearly ripped a few heads off. so the thought of 60 days is a major undertaking. no alcohol, no caffeine, no food. just juice and water. 60 days.

earlier today i was thinking about all of the men and women in america who have left their friends and families and gone off to the middle east to fight in a war for a year or more. if they can survive that, who am i to think that i can't go 60 days without FOOD? it's food. i've had 33 years to consume more than my fair share of it, and it will exist for the rest of my life. 60 days to lower my cholesterol, my blood sugar, my blood pressure. 60 days to lose flab. to detox. to regain control of my body and life. just 60 days.

i had a stressful day and i didn't eat anything. around 3 i decided i would not eat anything today to ease myself into the juice fast tomorrow. but then i went to zumba, then to the grocery store to pick up my juicer and all of the produce i'd need for the first 2 days. grocery aisle induced starvation started to set it. then i got home and found out my mom's lasagna was in the house. after prepping all of my veggies and cleaning and practicing on my juicer, i decided to have my last supper. i made a big salad and used real ranch dressing. i put 2 pieces of lasagna on my plate with a piece of garlic bread and a can of root beer. luckily for my gut, i was only able to finish the salad, half a piece of lasagna, and 2 bites of bread. i assume that tomorrow at this time i'll wish i'd finished it all.

and now here i am. 11:11pm, and i have 49 more minutes to eat before day 1 begins. the fact that i'm thinking about cramming more crap into my already-full belly should tell you everything about why i NEED to make this work. i know the next few days will be difficult. i started this blog as a means of venting. but if along the way you learn something or just enjoy reading it, all the better.

Sunday, November 6th will be day 61. The first day I can eat food again. The day before my 34th birthday. I want to start my 34th year in a new, better place. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Tomorrow is the first step.

If you are interested in learning more about the juice diet, you can watch "fat, sick and nearly dead" on netflix, or on amazon.com's instant video for $2.99.