Wednesday, October 30, 2013

controlled chaos

recently i wrote about the difference between making a mistake and making a decision. tonight i made a decision: to eat this pizza.

my hometown has a farmer's market on wednesdays june-october where these incredible wood-fired pizzas are sold. i could honestly live on these pizzas for my only food source forever, given the chance. all season i've hoarded a voucher i was gifted for a free pizza, salad and beverage at the market. every wednesday i have considered, then oped not to get the pizza. but today was the final day of the market, which made the pizza fit all of my cheat criteria:

1. is this food so readily available that you could have it anytime you want? - no. this pizza is only available one day per week for four hours and will not be available again for 216 more days.

2. am i willing to accept the consequences on the scale or counteract with extra exercise? -i am willing to accept a gain. tonight i had a family obligation that prevented me from working out.

3. am i able to eat this pizza without allowing myself to go off the deep end on a binge? -yes.

therefore, this pizza and some fried cabbage became my dinner. i didn't eat the outer crust, but snarfed down the rest with embarrassing speed and probably sounds. as of right now, i feel ok about it. but it's always harder when it's time to face #2 - accepting the consequence on the scale.

i did preemptively take two carb intercept supplements. i have no idea if they work, but can only assume that they don't make a situation worse, giving me nothing to lose. the claim is if you're about to have a starchy meal, take two capsules just before eating, and they will prevent the body's absorption of the starch. who knows. does anyone else have a testimony to share about them?

i did do one more bad thing, and i don't know if it was related to having already had the pizza or not. but i went to the halloween parade with my niece, and a mini reese's cup landed right at my feet. we're talking bite-size, not even fun size. i decided to eat it. 5 carbs. NOT worth it, it tasted like it had been in a bag with banana gum for a month. fail.

i've felt hungry all evening. that's how carbs affect me, personally. when i eat protein and fat, i'm full faster and longer. but i had an atkins bar at noon, a caesar side salad at 3:00, then this pizza, cabbage and some cheese cubes at 5:30. normally that would be enough to keep me content all evening, but tonight i was very hungry at the parade, had the piece of candy, then went back to my mom's and had a salad with lettuce and cheese, came home still hungry and had a cheese stick.

was it worth it? eh. yes and no. if i hadn't had it, i'd spend the next 9 months thinking about how i should have pulled the trigger. but in hindsight, nah. if i could have just had a three-bite slice, it would have been plenty.

the weekend ahead is full of challenges that i'll deal with one at a time. a big meal at my mom's friday without a single item that fits my needs, then i have to attend a pancake breakfast at 9 on saturday without a single item that fits my needs (i don't like sausage links), and that's followed by my friend's daughter's birthday party. sandwiches, chips, cake. i need to arm myself with BYO foods at all times and try to focus on the social part of the weekend.

most of the time i would tell you that this diet and losing 65 pounds has not been that hard. but for the rest of this week, that will not be the case.

tomorrow night i'll revisit what i mentioned last night about determination. sorry, pizza got in the way.

no assignment tonight, too tired. carbs.

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