Sunday, November 3, 2013


i failed. all weekend, i failed. i didn't succeed at failing EVERY chance i got, but often enough.

on friday i arrived at work to find food on every surface. there was a breakfast casserole made with eggs, cheese and potatoes. sausage and bacon. two boxes of subway cookies. a big tray of iced sugar cookies. a pan of red velvet cheesecake cupcakes (my favorite). and later in the day someone dropped off 8 wendy's frosties. since i'm eating a low carb diet, i had a sausage patty and two pieces of bacon in the morning, but i didn't touch anything else at work on friday.

i have days where i feel like i start out with a finite amount of willpower...and if only the day would end at a certain point, i'd be fine. but i get tested one too many times and the dam breaks. that's what happened friday night. the cracks formed, at least, after that day at work. my parents had a tailgate party before the big high school rivalry football game. there was pulled pork, which i ate, without sauce, on low carb bread. mac and cheese, of which i had one bite. i pulled the melted cheese and pepperoni out of a slice of pizza roll. and i had a truckload of buffalo chicken dip on celery. none of that too bad as far as carbs go, but still more calories than i normally have in a meal. but then i followed it up with a small portion of apple crisp hot out of the oven with melty vanilla ice cream. delish. as the night went on i had some more buffalo dip, and i pulled more apples out of the crisp as i walked past it. before bed i downed a package of atkins m&m's, which are supposed to be a treat for good girls, not for bad girls.

saturday morning, pancake breakfast. i sat there and watched my friends eat pancakes bathed in syrup. then we went for coffee where i could have had a sugary, yummy pumpkin spice latte, but i opted for regular coffee with sugar free cream and splenda. but by the time i got to the birthday party, i was in full starvation mode. there wasn't one single low carb option. sloppy joes, even without the bun, are huge in carbs. there were chips and pretzels, chex mix, chip dip (ok, this on a spoon without a chip would be ok....) graham crackers, pumpkin dip, cake and ice cream. so it was either going to be 2 more hours without food, or give in. i started with some sloppy joes on my plate without a bun and a few pretzels and dip. but soon i was cramming chex mix, graham crackers and pumpkin dip into my mouth at warp speed, then i had a generous helping of ice cream. followed that up by going to my mom's where they ordered pizza and cheese sticks from one of my very favorite places. i had a salad while they ate, but then i sneaked a cheese stick and half a piece of pizza. spent 2 hours passing out trick or treat candy there, burying my nose into the giant bowl of fun size candy bars, but didn't eat any. got home and continued the binge... another package of atkins m&m's. a package of cinnamon baked corn, a freaking granola bar! i felt miserable and scared and out of control. other than the pizza and apple crisp, nothing in this paragraph was worth anywhere NEAR the damage i was doing.

on the scale this morning, i was up 3.4 pounds. i laid in bed and had a pity party for awhile, then decided i needed a plan. i looked up some foods that people eat on the fat fast. the fat fast is a form of atkins where you eat 1000 calories and 100 grams of fat a day for 3-5 days. it is meant to be used by metabolically resistant people who struggle to get into ketosis, but is often used to combat a stall or to jump back in after a binge like mine. 1000 calories doesn't sound like starvation, but foods that are 100 calories and 10 grams of fat per serving tend to come in small quantities. 1oz of cream cheese fits the bill. 2TBS of heavy cream. 1oz of chicken or tuna mixed with 2tbs of mayo. 1oz of macadamia nuts. you get the picture. but i made out a shopping list and headed out.

i've been needing new running shoes. my old ones are bare on the bottoms, to the point of being potentially dangerous. they're just so expensive, and i have so many expenses around the house right now, and christmas is coming up which will be costly. but my mom gave me $100 for my birthday yesterday and asked me to put it toward shoes. so i went to the running store and got fitted. they were $150. i was still feeling like "is this a good idea? am i even going to ever run again?"

i had $20 in kohl's cash to spend, so i went and tried on some clothes. for the most part things fit well and all in "non plus" sizes, so that gave me a boost. then i went to the grocery store and got some fat fast friendly items.

when i got home, the first thing i did was put on my new shoes and go to the gym. and that's where i got fully back into my safety zone. my feet and legs felt so good in the new shoes that i was able to easily run for 35 minutes without walking or feeling close to death. i felt strong and in control again. they were worth every penny. i really can't wait to try them outside. with the time change it was too dark to run outdoors at 6, which is a huge bummer.

when i got home, i had my first fat fast approved "meal." and boy was it good. if you're a low carb dieter, you'll enjoy this as a treat even if you're not on the stupid fat fast. whisk 2TBS of heavy whipping cream and your favorite no-calorie sweetener (i used splenda) until it's thick and starting to get fluffy. pour into a glass of diet root beer and stir gently so some mixes in, and some rests on top. root beer float. i loved it!

so now that the storm is over, it's time to look ahead and double down. temptation will be around every corner from now until the end of the year. my birthday is this thursday. i'd originally planned to have breakfast with friends and allow myself pumpkin pancakes that morning. i'll still go to breakfast, but i do not get pancakes now. i ruined that treat with my weekend and now have to pay the price. i'm meeting a friend i haven't seen in over a year at an incredible italian restaurant on sunday where the pizza is to die for, but i will have a salad with lots of cheese. the following weekend is the hot chocolate race in columbus, the race that started all of this 5k training in the first place. yes, i'll be running. but a 5k burns about 400 calories, and the post-race food is ALL chocolate. i will partake. but the pancakes i'd also swore i'd have after that race will have to go too. i need to be extra diligent from now until thanksgiving day. i'll run a 5k that morning, then enjoy stuffing myself to the gills. then the christmas nightmares will begin at work when people start to bring us food every day. ugh.

i'd really, really love to lose 20lb before new year's eve. that's only 8 weeks from today, so that will not be an easy goal to reach. but if i can work hard and sacrifice the treats of the season, it's not impossible. i have a lot of personal and emotional reasons for making that night an important goal-reaching marker. 2.5lb per week. wish me luck. i need it all.

i hope everyone reading this had a good weekend and didn't fall off the wagon along with me. i guess it's like they say... it doesn't matter that you fell as long as you get back up and keep going. i'm going... who's coming with me?

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