wakeup call.

well, it's been awhile since my last entry, and you know what that means: failure. and not just sort of, i mean BIG failure this time. i gave up for six straight days. it began last saturday at lunchtime. i was having a girls' day with my niece for her birthday. we went to lunch, and i got a wrap. i could have had a salad, but i didn't feel like it. no willpower. after our manicures, i took her for froyo, and i could have at least had plain, sugar free yogurt. instead i mixed about 5 flavors and topped it with butterfingers, oreos and heath bars. that night i drank 2 glasses of wine and had some cheese, nuts and pomegranate. bad, but not INSANE, right?

sunday i got on the scale and i was up to 166.8. i could not believe it. i'd been at 161 on friday. i had what i thought was a good diet day on friday - i even ate at red lobster and didn't have any cheddar biscuits, as much as i'd wanted them. but in two days, i'd shot up 5 pounds and i was crushed. i knew i couldn't go to tops on monday, so on sunday, i did more damage. i was in a class all day and the instructor brought no bake cookies. i had four. then we went to dinner where i had a sandwich, on bread, and fries. monday night i got a large oreo blizzard, supposedly my final treat before getting my act together. tuesday i had a "wine and art" class after work where i had 3 glasses of wine and plenty of heavy appetizers. thanks to the wine giving me a case of the fuck-its, i stopped at giant eagle on my way home, and this is what i got:

1 bag cadbury mini eggs
1 cadbury creme egg
1 red velvet cake chocolate bar
1 single serve hagen daz chocolate peanut butter
1 single serve hagen daz tiramisu gelato
1 single serve hagen daz salted caramel gelato

i'm pretty sure the checkout girl thought i was going home to smoke 10 bowls of weed, but i was high on being out of control. i ate the cadburys and all 3 "single serve" ice creams. they weren't pints, mind you - they were those tiny ones with the plastic spoon in the lid. but still. i hated the red velvet bar, luckily. so my "snack" was only around ONE-THOUSAND calories.

on wednesday i tried to get back on track. i had my atkins bar and coffee for breakfast, egg whites and veggies for lunch. and then the local nursing home which makes the MOST AMAZING iced cutout cookies brought a tray to my office around 3:30. by 5:00 i'd had 4 or 5 cookies.

thursday. full-fledged fuck-its in effect.

candy for lunch. ice cream and cookies for dinner. a brownie batter stuffed donut on my way home. and i had 3 more donuts in the bag to eat on friday. i was in full-blown freakout mode. i was angry and miserable and sad and just... blah. i immediately felt as fat as i was last april, overnight. i didn't feel good in my clothes, i felt like people could see on my face what i had eaten that day. i was ashamed and couldn't stop. i kept telling myself "you are an addict, and you are in serious trouble." 

so i got home thursday and grabbed a few days' worth of mail out of the box and began sorting through it. i had a letter from... an organization i am familiar with. and here's where i have to become cryptic, because i am not supposed to share the information with anyone until april. but i can tell you that it had to do with my weight loss and it's a BIG deal. and it stipulates that i cannot gain any weight between now and then. ummm pretty sure i packed on about 10 pounds between saturday and thursday. so the contents of that letter fully kicked me in the ass, inspired me, reminded me of all of my hard work and of my duty to inspire others. i can't let myself and so many others down over some cookies and m&m's. 

so i gave away those donuts, and i have had perfect dieting ever since i read the letter. i am back on track. i haven't weighed myself yet to find out what damage i did, i'm too nervous. maybe i'll look in the morning. i will probably have a gain at TOPS, but what's done is done. i have almost 2 months to lose a little more weight before i share my success with a large group, hopefully inspiring countless others to do what i've done. and i will probably share this story that i've just shared with you, about how i was spiraling out of control, practically undoing in one week's time what took me 9 months to achieve. 

i am an addict. there is a monster inside of me that comes out and takes control, and i wish i could figure out what causes it and how to push it back down when it happens. there won't always be a big-deal letter waiting for me in my mailbox. if anyone has any advice to share about how they overcome those out-of-control moments, i would love to hear your ideas. because i'm motivated now. but when easter rolls around, the nursing home will send more cookies. and i need to figure out what i'm gonna do about it.