back to basics.

i'm so sorry i've been MIA. when i'm not doing well, i am not motivated to write. which is against everything i've learned and preached about. i'm very sorry. i had good days and bad days. a week ago i was up about 3 pounds. i had every opportunity to get ahold of myself, but then tops was cancelled due to weather, so i kept right on eating crap, and at tonight's weigh-in i had my first gain since i joined tops on april 22, 2013 and brace yourselves, it was a big one.

6.75 pounds.

that's right, i'm back up to 170. can you believe it? i can't, and i was here for every bite that got me there. although by the end of the evening, i was back into the 160's because i went to the gym twice tonight. i know a few pounds will come off very easily, it's water. the rest is cake and cookies and bread and a few fries. some japanese noodles. and overall, nothing very delicious. i didn't have a moment where i thought "THIS is worth it." it was just picking at this and that until i'd picked at everything available to me. how did this happen?

that is a multi-part answer.

culprit #1 - the holidays. i don't need to explain that. the first time all year i was faced with temptation after temptation, and almost all of it consisting of those "this is only available this time of year," like my mom's stuffing, or pumpkin creme brulee. i have said before that my willpower is unfortunately finite. so i indulged here and there. but as you know, i made it through my birthday, thanksgiving and christmas without gains at tops. but something else was happening in the background...

culprit #2 - getting too creative. i found that superbly awesome website, ruled.me, along with its facebook page counterpart. i started seeing all of these fabulous recipes and became a culinary phenom. i was making low carb pizza crusts out of cheese and eggs and almond flour. i made low carb spice cakes and frosting... and ate the whole thing. i made TWO batches of frosting - one for the cake and one to eat with a spoon. "hey, it's low carb!" yeah, but it's NOT low calorie or low fat. and those things DO have an impact, especially if you're not working out hard. which leads me to....

culprit #3 - end of 5k season. once my last race was over on december 21st, i lost some motivation to run. "i have plenty of time til the next race." i have been going to the gym here and there, but with nowhere near the regularity i was during race season. but i have committed to a 4.5 mile leg of a half-marathon relay team, so i need to keep training. i just really hate the gym. but i have to go there because...

culprit #4 - winter. it's so dark and cold and miserable. the christmas lights are gone and there's mud and snow and rain and cold and darkness and general gloom. when i get out of work, i want to be home on my couch. when i got out of work and it was 70 and sunny, i wanted to be in the park running.

culprit #5 - pressure. i have been working so hard to lose every week that i have created a terrible cycle. it seems like there was always some event or party going on during the week, and i would gain a couple of pounds. then i'd spend sunday and monday half starving, working out before tops in my heavy clothing to sweat out enough to get my loss - and i would get it. but then i'd come home and have a regular meal and be up a pound the next day, then spend the rest of the week repeating the cycle. so i had decided that for my first weigh-in of the year, i would let myself take a gain. i had some "regular" food over the weekend before last week's tops meeting. i ate a burger and fries at michael symon's b-spot, washed down with a vanilla bean bacon milkshake. had a few other treats. then they cancelled that meeting. my first thought was "i have a week to get this off," but then i kept putting it off and putting it off... baked that spice cake... next thing you know, 6 pounds. i am VERY capable of gaining 3lb per week indefinitely, which is how i got so fat after "the cookie" in 2011. it never levels off.

so i went tonight and took my gain. and they were horrified. imagine seeing me lose every single week for 35 weigh-in's, and then i show up with nearly a 7 pound gain. they were unhappy. i tried to act cool about it but i felt awful. especially when i realized tonight was our 6 month awards night, and i received biggest 6 month loser. i got a bank full of everyone's gain fines from the past 6 months, $10, a charm, a ribbon, a rose and a certificate, and i felt like a fraud accepting it tonight. i also got my 80 pound charm, but i need to lose 6.75 pounds all over again for it to be legit again.

so.... that's my motivation. i want to go to tops next week with all 6.75 off of me. it is going to take a LOT of work. and no more "making this out of that" as far as low carb recipes go. i lost this weight eating things like eggs, a few pieces of bacon, salads, chicken and fish. the basics. i went to the gym before AND after tops, then came home and had the meal i posted at the top. i feel good about it. i think the demons are out of my system now. my mom said if i lose 20lb by april, she will buy me any swimsuit i want. in my mind, that's 26.75 pounds, because the offer was made before we knew how much i'd gained.

so... here i am. girl who lost weight after her birthday. girl who lost weight after thanksgiving. girl who lost weight after christmas. and girl who gained a baby's worth of weight after new year's. oh well, it is what it is, right? all that matters is how i react to this. so far, so good. but it's only been one day. i'll check back in tomorrow.