so much thanks!

happy thanksgiving! reading back over last night... what a mess! my mind was really not focused, sorry.

so after sitting overnight, the snickerdoodle bars got even better. family members who have no additional interest in sugar free or low carb ate multiples. before my dad had finished the first one he said, "bring me another one." we put whipped cream on them which was the cat's meow. 5 out of 5 stars, definitely make these.

yesterday i did some major shopping. i've always loved how jeans look tucked into boots, but there was never enough room in boots for me and my jeans. i have only ever owned bootcut, which even when i did manage to stuff them into jeans, ballooned out of the top like hammer pants. finally i'm to the point where i felt like maybe i was ready to venture into the skinny jeans section. the first thing i found out is that i'm truly a 14 now. i thought maybe maurice's just practiced generous sizing assignments. so at old navy i hauled about 15 pairs of jeans into the fitting room. because there are 3 cuts, multiple lengths, various colors and of course sizes to choose from. everything i liked i grabbed in a 14 and a 16. not being an optimist, i put the 16's on first: way too big! the 14's are great in most places but roomy in others, so i tried the 12's and got them buttoned, but they muffin topped me. i didn't love any of them though, so i went to target where i found 2 in size 14 that i loved. do you have any idea how nice it is to walk up to the jeans shelf and look for a size that's readily available? or to be at old navy and try on an XL coat and realize i only needed an L? you know how you'll see a girl stuffed into way-too-small clothes, and you know that she's the last to realize that she's gained too much weight to wear those anymore? i get that now, because i'm that way in the other direction. i still reach for the XL or the 16 or the 18. i still don't think to put a belt on to hold my pants up. my uncle is in charge of the 5k i'm running sunday and today he told me i should try on a couple of shirts. i laughed when he handed me a large and a medium. i held up the medium and said, "this is way too small." but damned if it didn't fit. it NEVER would have occurred to me that i might be a medium!

you know who doesn't think i'm a medium? nike. they don't even really agree with large. another thing i shopped for yesterday was warmer running attire. i found a nike hoodie i loved, but it only went up to L. no problem right? it's tiiight. i don't think it looks bad, but it's a tight squeeze. the race was ok. it was

17 degrees and very hard to breathe. some parts of me that i'd stuffed with hand warmers got way too hot, and other parts were so cold that that it hurt. it was hard to get a deep breath, and there were so many walkers that it was constant dodge 'em. i am very glad i did it, but i was disappointed with my time, and my expectations had been built up way too high regarding how awesome this particular race was. but starting the day at a 400 calorie deficit was great.

i didn't struggle too much with food, thankfully. i had two-bite helpings of the things i like and normal portions of the things i love. i did go back for seconds on stuffing and sweet potatoes. and i had one tiny bite of peanut butter pie. but i didn't even care about the other stuff like more pie, cookies, rolls, potatoes, noodles, beer, wine, dessert cheeseballs, and so on. i thought i'd either

cave and go batshit crazy on food, or that i'd use willpower but be sad and bitter about it. thankfully i was neither. i really can't remember a thanksgiving in the past where you could still see plate on my plate after i'd been through the food line.

later i stopped by my best friend's house as they were ending their festivities. i hadn't seen her grandpa in awhile, so i gave him a hug and asked how he was doing. i felt like he responded a little less warmly than usual. a few minutes later my friend's mom said that her dad hadn't recognized me when i came in, and he thought some girl he didn't know was hugging him! i had my hair pulled back and glasses on which i'm sure added to the mystery, but still. that was pretty cool.

so that brings you up to date on my life. scared to get on the scale tomorrow. as you can see, i didn't eat much compared to what most people ate today, but i ate a TON more carbs than i would ever normally eat. honestly, in hindsight, the pie probably wouldn't have been any worse for me than the snickerdoodle bars after the other carbs, but at least i was mentally still working at it i guess. maybe i won't weigh myself until after i do some damage control tomorrow.

i'm sorry this is so long. i don't know if i would read all of this crap if it was from someone i didn't know. so if you got this far, a very special thank you for giving enough craps to read about what i'm wearing, eating and thinking about. i truly hope your day was storybook perfect like mine was. now go make yourself some 1.6 carb snickerdoodle cake bars and enjoy.

goodbye, 35

in 2 hours and 14 minutes i'll be 36. "late 30's." i'm not thrilled about this. although when i turned 35 i lived in my parents' basement and was 66 pounds heavier. outlook not so good. since my last birthday i've purchased my own home and experienced true independence. and i truly believe that's how i've succeeded at my lifestyle change.

when you live with other people, be it parents, children, a spouse, even a roommate, diet and exercise is infinitely harder. you can't necessarily rid the house of all off-limits food. other people's schedules may prevent you from working out when you want to. you may not even be preparing your own meals. i never had long-term success when living with other people. so buying this house wasn't just about owning my own piece of land on this planet, it was about taking full control of my own life.

but not everyone has that luxury. in fact most people don't. so i'm here to tell you the hard truth: you just have to work around it.

people who don't live alone have in fact lost weight and gotten healthy. you're just going to need some extras; extra planning and extra willpower, specifically. you are going to see people eating things you should not eat. i won't say "can't," because you CAN eat anything you want. you are instead choosing not to eat things that won't help you reach your goals. you'll also need to find times and ways to work out. if you can only get 15 minutes at a time, don't let that make you think "not worth it." it is. try to get 15 minutes two or three times a day if you can.

my friend who started this diet about a week and half ago texted me tonight saying she has lost 8 pounds. "is this a fluke?" she asked. not a fluke, just a series of good decisions and good planning. she said she was invited to lunch at a mexican restaurant today, so looked up their menu online prior to lunch to see what she could have. this kind of thing is a little time consuming, but entirely necessary. and the reward is, for her, 8 pounds. she has four kids, and even with a house full of halloween candy, she made it through the week. you can too.

last week, author david sedaris said, "without dedication, you have no hope." he was talking about how he became a published author by writing something every single day for 7 years before he was finally noticed. he said if you are not dedicated to what you are doing day after day, there's no reason to hope your goal will be reached. certain things we desperately want are entirely up to us: we have to put in the dedication, and then we are promised the result. but take away the dedication, you lose the hope. david said, "if you just keep doing this thing day in and day out, you get past the sucky part faster." and while he was talking about writing, all i could think of was my diet. i dedicated myself to it, and the sucky part is WAY behind me. i have sucky moments, sure. but i had sucky moments when i was hogging down everything in sight, too. now i also have so many small victories in my days that i can't keep track. so many people have complimented my clothes or perfume or hair or makeup this week. not everyone specifies my weight loss... and i get the feeling it's more like they are noticing i exist for the first time.

you're going to have to give things up. you're going to have to socialize differently. you're going to have to stop making excuses. you're going to have to stop expecting yourself to fail. instead, you have to make one good decision at a time, one after the other, until you can string 1000 good decisions together. dedicate yourself to it. get past the sucky part. i had to lose SIXTY POUNDS before people started to see me. that was sucky. but i didn't let it affect my determination. last night i took my measurements and held the extra 10.5" of measuring tape out to the side of my hip to the place where i used to end. i looked in the mirror in disbelief. there used to be almost a FOOT of extra me right there. how did i carry that around? how did i let it get that far? i don't know. all i know is that it can't be that way ever again.

you guys, every single day of my life is more interesting and exciting now. getting dressed is fun. shopping is fun (which is also trouble), meeting new people is fun. i see a guy in a store and i feel him looking at me. i totally get checked out now. a guy i went to high school with who never spoke to me once in 25 years now speaks to me every day. another guy i went to school with (who threw my textbooks out the 3rd floor window in 7th grade) emailed me and said, "you are a cutie, how are you not married?" true story.

perhaps best of all... for the first time ever, i weigh less than my driver's license says. i have never even weighed CLOSE to what it says. it was a joke when i turned 16, it was a joke every year when i said "no changes," and now, finally, i can walk in there and say, "i need to change my weight, please."

is there anything in your life you'd rather have than this kind of joy? any food, any beverage, any sleeping in? if there's one thing i can't stop kicking myself over, it's that i didn't do this when i was in my 20's. but i take consolation in knowing that when i turn 36 in one hour and 42 minutes, i will be thinner, healthier, faster, stronger, prettier, happier, and more independent than i was when i turned 35. and you can't ask for much more than that on your birthday.

binge-giving

well that's me there on the right, crossing the finish line with my friends heather and kristy. my 41 minute time blew away my 44:10 from last year, which was my goal. i am running another 5k on sunday, and my hope is to finish at or before 39:59. i really want to see ANY number below 40. tonight i ran 60 second intervals at the gym at 6mph (10 minute mile if you're mathematically challenged like me). my new goal for the new year will be to run a 10 minute mile--even if that's not my pace for an entire 5k. just ONE mile at 10 minutes would really make me happy!

soooo....about thanksgiving. i did great with my eating---from the time i posted my last entry on tuesday night until...oh....about 7:00pm on wednesday. that's when i ate pizza and drank beer while baking a huge guinness chocolate cake with my brother. and since the cake didn't exactly come out of the pan as planned, there were lots of spare cake crumbles that SOMEONE had to eat. you don't just throw away guinness chocolate cake crumbles! who's with me? anyone? anyone?

the next morning i ran the 5k. i truly felt great. there was no point during the race when i wanted to die, which is a major improvement from the other 5k's i've done. last year i only made it a mile before i walked, and this year i made it quite a bit farther. also, as i crossed the finish line last year i was trying to hold in puke. this year, i felt like a million sweaty bucks. run. believe.

so i did what any fitness buff would do and went home and had a piece of the chocolate cake. what??

our thanksgiving meal was at 2:30pm. it's a long story, but it was pretty much a disaster. i have to say that as far as thanksgiving meals go, i didn't do TOO poorly. instead of turkey i had this: roasted butternut squash stuffed with mushrooms, rice pilaf and goat cheese. i barely ate any potatoes or stuffing, mostly because they weren't that good. and no dessert, mostly because the service was so horrible that we gave up after being there for 3 hours and went home before dessert was served.

but then i went to my friend betsy's house and ate 3/4 of a plate of regular thanskgiving foods later that evening. however, i still didn't eat dessert, if that counts for anything.

on friday i met friends for lunch and i had scallops, brown rice, clear soup and 4 pieces of sushi. later i had a pumpkin ice cream cone. then i left ohio for michigan, to see ohio state play michigan on saturday.

that's when i gave up.

we ate combos in the car (my favorite travel snack), along with several of these treats my friend had spent the day making with her family. later in our hotel i had 2 beers along with half a quesadilla and chips & queso. on our way to the stadium in the morning we stopped at burger king where i had tater tots and an egg/cheese/bacon burrito. at the game i had kettle corn, peanuts, and hot apple cider. following the game we went to TGI fridays where i had a chicken, shrimp and cheese skillet, french onion soup and vanilla bean cheesecake. heehaw.

on sunday i figured i might as well throw myself a grand finale. i had some more cake for breakfast. for lunch i had a big mac and fries with a peppermint mocha. then i went to a movie where i had a small popcorn (with butter of course) and later that night, three pieces of french toast.

have you passed out yet? i can't even believe it myself, now that i can see it in print. but i have shared my triumphs, so i figured i owed you honesty regarding my 5 days of complete and total gluttony. but today i had absolutely no problem getting back on my reboot plan. juice, soybeans, hummus, black bean dip, and i burned 300 calories on the treadmill. i don't even WANT to eat junk anymore. yesterday i felt like complete and total garbage. i told my mom if she sliced me open, toxic green sludge would come out of me. that's how the inside of my body felt. not fun.

so i'm going to take the week to work out, eat right, then get on the scale....hopefully it will be back to where it was before i crashed and burned. i'm not too worried about it. i had a good time, i didn't stress, and now i'm back to the program. my jeans still fit this morning, so i figure the damage is minimal. onward and upward.

if you fell off the wagon too, that's ok. just please get back on it with me. you've worked too hard to blow it now at the end of the year. set a new goal and let's go after it together. let me know how you're doing.

ummm.....

i have nothing to say! today was a normal day. some trail bologna and cheese showed up at work around 4:00 with some turkey cut out cookies, and i did eat 2 bites of cheese. otherwise, uneventful. after work i went to zumba and yoga. i got a YMCA gym bag for finishing the training for the 5k on thursday, which was awesome.

when i got home i was STARVING. i had some hummus on fiber crisps. when i ran out of crisps, i started spreading it on iceberg lettuce with sunflower seeds and rolling it up like a little eggroll. then i had a pear. before coming to my bedroom i did have a small slice of my grandpa's homemade bread. i'm chalking it up to carb loading for the race on thursday. heh. it's funny how i feel like i totally pigged out when i got home from the gym. but now reading what i ate...it doesn't sound so bad. considering there are cupcakes, reese's cups, cheese and trail and other delicacies in the kitchen!

good luck dieters....thursday doesn't have to be a reason to get sidetracked permanently. if you eat, enjoy it! but then we all have to get back with it! pinky swear.

broken.

i stand before you a broken girl. broken, but not defeated.

it began on friday at the slumber party. i didn't eat too much food, but what i did eat was bad. i had some buffalo chicken dip, crackers, tortilla chips, celery (yay!) and a slice of pumpkin roll. i did pass on the beer and wine, however.

saturday we had thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family at an amish restaurant. it was family style chicken, roast beef, potatoes, noodles, stuffing and so on. instead of that i made a salad at the salad bar. i had 2 bites of my peanut butter pie and took the rest home. still not terrible, right?

well the band played that evening and the bar bought us pizza from the same place that i wrote about last sunday. i had 3 pieces. small, but still. then they started bringing us free alcohol by the truckload. i had 2 bottles of yuengling light and 2 shots of something that had orange juice and grenadine in it. then i topped that off with a 24oz bud light. as we loaded the truck after the show, the leftover pizza appeared and i had another piece. at this point i was officially out of control. the band went to denny's and i didn't even THINK about making a good choice. i had the pumpkin pancake slam - 2 pumpkin pancakes with whipped pumpkin topping, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 pieces of wheat toast with butter. i ate it all except half of the pancakes and a bit of hashbrowns. you're probably thinking this is the end of the evening but no....around 4am i got the rest of my peanut butter pie from the kitchen and ate that too.

gah.

i stayed in bed until 2pm today. i have been spending my nights coughing my head off, thus not really sleeping. i finally got up and showered to clear my lungs a bit, then i went to the gym. i felt groggy, out of it. i started my run and it was bad from the start. every single minute felt excruciating. and for some reason it was 100,000 degrees in the Y and i was sweating like i was in a sauna. i kept telling myself to keep going, but after only about 20 minutes of jogging, i gave up.

after the gym i went to spend my old navy cash, then i picked up some of that vegetarian chili i'd had monday. i ate that with some fiber crackers and hummus, and i had a pear. so i'm somewhat back on track today, but i don't even want to think about the calories i inhaled yesterday. add to that today's spoiled run, my endless coughing fits, and the 5k is in 4 days... i'm a little stressed.

the good news is that i don't feel out of control anymore. i'm ready to eat healthy again, i'm not thinking about things i should eat while i'm going crazy. but we all know how many days it takes to pay for a day of bad choices.

i have to have my old hard drive transferred to the computer i'm using now tomorrow....so if i don't write tomorrow night, it's not because i'm at an all you can eat lard buffet---i'm just without a laptop.

tomorrow is a new week, a new day. i HAVE to be perfect until thursday.

good news, bad news

i'll start with the bad news first: i think i'm getting sick. i did week 5 day 2 of c25k, then went to zumba. before class started i sneezed and thought, "uh oh." suddenly i felt SO tired. i was good for nothing in zumba after that. i went through the motions but i felt like a fish flopping around out of water. i met a friend after class and my throat started to hurt a little. more in the way of "i've been screaming my head off at a ballgame" than a "sore" feeling, but still not right. now i just feel tired and cruddy. super. i had been hoping all of the juice, veggies, exercise, etc would make me immune. i haven't been sick a day since feburary 4th.

i hope this is not sickness, because i can not lose a single day of training for the turkey trot. it is in exactly 2 weeks. as of today i can run for 16 minutes, but that's not even going to get me through half of the 5k. i know i will have to walk some, as i did last year. i just want to have the same or better time as last year. i will say that when i ran tonight i felt really good. my heart rate stayed in a reasonable place, and dropped quickly when i stopped running. i feel really physically fit from a cardio standpoint. but i know i can't jog 3 miles or anywhere near 3 miles. i wish i had started training a few weeks earlier.

so anyway, the good news. if you're a facebook rebooter, you already know because i couldn't contain myself this morning. on october 22nd i bought jeans at old navy in size 16. i could button and zip them, but they muffin topped me too much to actually wear. i hung them up where i could see them every day. today, not even 3 weeks later, i decided to try them on to see how close i was. they were perfect. buttoned, zipped, no muffin top, totally comfortable all day. when i walked into work wearing my new clothes, a co-worker said, "wow, you look like you belong on the cover of a magazine." i asked if the magazine was hustler. he said no, more like an avon catalog. hmm. odd choice, but i'll take it.

the other good news was that i weighed myself for the first time since monday morning--meaning the first time since my birthday meal at bravo. i was down 2 pounds. that means i lost the pound i gained in new york, plus one. whew. tomorrow, with a little luck, i will fall into a new "decade" on the scale. i REALLY want to lose 5 pounds before the turkey trot, to weigh 25 pounds less than i did last thanksgiving. that alone should help me have a faster time.

ok, i'm rambling. time for tea, then bed early. really hoping to wake up feeling normal.

they say it's my birthday, na na na na na na na-na.

well my mom is cute. when i came upstairs this morning, the kitchen was decorated for me. she's the best.

i started the day on the scale...not TOO bad after the NYC weekend. it was up one pound from friday. i can live with that. i still don't think it's fair, and i maintain that i didn't consume 3000 excess calories, but whatever.

one of my besties wanted to take me to the japanese restaurant for lunch. instead of sushi i had edamame and seaweed salad, in an attempt to conserve calories for whatever would come later in the day. i have been stressing about my birthday food for quite awhile. normally my mom will make me something i love, like meatloaf and homemade mac and cheese. i had also asked for a pumpkin roll. but along the way i told her to forget it, i didn't want to blow my diet over a birthday. we made plans to do SOMETHING tonight, but i just couldn't decide what i wanted to do. i was so determined that i shouldn't eat anything heavy.

then i got to work and opened my email. all of the corporate lists i've signed up for were on the ball. 200 bonus speedy points at the gas station....$3 extra care bucks at CVS...a dollar off a combo at wendy's (seriously wendy's? not even a free frosty? you cheap bastards!). but the best deal of all was an entire free meal from bravo cucina itlaliana. it's a favorite of mine, and it's in the city where we had planned to do some shopping anyway. so i leaned toward that for awhile. then i thought if i was going to blow it, maybe i should take advantage of endless shrimp (i call it shrimtoberfest) at red lobster. i went back and forth all day...and side to side too, since i had 3 options:

1. red lobster
2. bravo
3. veggies and water

finally at the end of the day i got on redlobster.com and checked out the nutrition info. i added up the calories of everything i intended to eat, and it came out to nearly 3,000. argh. bravo didn't list calories, but i was sure i could do better there. so that's where we ended up. AFTER a super fun trip to old navy where i bought cute clothes in respectable sizes that i think look pretty good. all at 30% off, suckas!

anyway, at bravo i did not order a salad with my meal, because the creamy parmesan dressing sounded dangerous. i only had one piece of bread dipped in olive oil, and for my entree i picked the rosemary grilled shrimp. it's jumbo shrimp marinated in rosemary and garlic, served on orzo and grain sautee, with spinach, artichoke, basil, kalamata olives, garbanzo beans, tomato and feta, with a spicy caper vinaigrette.  it was so delicious, and i enjoyed every bite. i just now fired off an email to corporate thanking them for the nice meal/experience, but expressing my displeasure in the fact that they don't provide their nutrition information online.

since i'd had what i felt was a sensible meal, i decided to share a dessert with my mom and brother. we decided on the sampler of tiramisu, chocolate chip bread pudding with vanilla bean gelato on top, and chocolate lava cake, also topped with gelato. it was three tiny, perfect portions for sharing. i had about 2 bites of each item and cherished them. i had taken a picture of my meal for my blog readers, and said in the interest of full disclosure, i owed you a picture of the dessert, too.

so it was a pretty, pretty, pretty good birthday. my mom really took good care of me, and my brother even bought me a kickass water bottle for the gym that has a filter right in it so i can stop buying bottled water and killing the environment. i'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow. i drank my tea tonight, and i'll go to the gym for a couple of hours after work tomorrow. on wednesday i'll see what the residual damage is and go from there. i celebrated this birthday 29 pounds lighter than i was just 2 months ago. if i gained a couple back, so be it. i enjoyed it. i'll take them off, and then 10 more...and keep on truckin'.

happy goal eve

well folks, tomorrow is the big day. i'll wake up, get on the scale, then get ready to leave for NYC at 8am. this trip is the whole reason i decided to start a diet. and fat, sick and nearly dead is the reason why i picked this particular plan.

this morning the scale was still on the same number as monday. seeing the same number 4 days in a row is tough.

yesterday i posted the same pics you saw here on my facebook page and said, "what i wouldn't give for someone to bring an apple into this joint just once." so my friend brian brought me these two beauties.

tonight was my "last chance workout" at the Y. my friend sally is a fitness instructor, so she started my day with a text telling me she was going to be my jillian michaels tonight. she kept me working hard in zumba, then she sent me into the gym to get some more cardio. her daughter worked out next to me, and sally stood in front of me like jillian telling me to run, to sweat, to push harder, to get these two pounds off of the scale tomorrow morning. i was tired, but it was great.

i came home and started to get organized for the trip. i decided to pack some food to take on the road tomorrow so i won't be forced to eat at whatever fast food places the guys decide to stop at. in my lunchbox i have grapes, cucumber, celery, kalamata olive hummus and homemade guacamole. i'm also taking a banana, my apples, dried edamame and pita chips. that should be enough to see me through the 8 hour drive, and then some.

so i won't be writing a missive tomorrow night, i'll be rockin' out NYC style. but sunday night i'll let you know if i met my 30 pound goal, and how i did in NYC. hopefully better than last time, from a nutrition standpoint. NO cupcakes!

foodstravaganza!

it started with cookies. 
every wednesday we have this horrid staff meeting that steals souls with its pointlessness and absurdity. today my boss attempted to make it nicer with gigantic, soft, chewy, chocolate chip cookies from the amish bakery. i was slightly concerned, but after the meeting i had my warm lemon water, then pounded 16oz of green juice. that filled up my belly and i thought, "i've totally got this." the cookies looked good, but i was satisfied by smelling and looking at them. but then the real trouble started.

brownies. 

with a cream cheese layer on top. 

with brownies crumbled on top of that. 

that's right folks. brownies topped with brownies.

these were courtesy of the same girl who brought in the white chocolate chip cheesecakes on monday. you may remember her as evil betty crocker devil woman.

that's when things started to fall apart in my head. this morning the scale stayed on the same number it has been on since monday morning. if i had been on a weight loss high, i think i would have been ok. but i was on a plateau low. it's pretty clear now that i will not hit 30 pounds by friday morning, and i'm pretty disappointed. i'm not pish-poshing the 27.7, but i just REALLY wanted to hit that 30 pound mark.

so i decided the only thing i could do was get out of the building. i invited a friend to lunch at subway. i figured i deserved to eat a meal after walking away from the baked goodness, and i knew i could have a big salad with red wine vinegar at subway for barely any calories. so i had a really nice, fun lunch, and came back to work feeling pretty good about things. i figured by that time they would have demolished the baked goods.

but they hadn't, for they had been distracted from the brownies and cookies....by....

pizza and chicken strips. along with dipping sauces of every flavor. and as i put it on the reboot facebook page, "i am a slut for condiments." it's not unusual for me to find tiny bottles of ketchup, mustard and mayo in my christmas stocking. so chicken strips alone would have been one thing. but chicken strips with buffalo sauce, honey mustard, bbq sauce, garlic sauce, cheese sauce and pizza sauce? oh HELL no! and i'm not a fan of pizza meats, but of course this happened to be a garden veggie works pizza. sigh.

after consulting the papa john's website, i found out i could have one chicken strip for 65 calories and 2.5g of fat. and so i had one. and then i had a 1" x 1" bite of brownie. it was divine.

and then i felt better.

in situations like this, i like to think about what i would have done if i wasn't rebooting. i would have started the day with a giant chocolate chip cookie. 206 calories. then the brownies would have shown up, and i probably would have had 3 during the day. 470 calories. then i would have had at least 4 chicken strips (260 calories) dipped in honey mustard (75) and buffalo (30) and 2 slices of pizza. 560 calories.

i would have consumed 1,601 calories at work today. then i wouldn't have gone to the gym, i would have come home for dinner. and guess what my family had tonight....pizza. by day's end, i probably would have had around 3,000 calories and no exercise.

instead i had juice, a large salad with tons of veggies, a chicken strip and a bite of brownie, an apple, fresh homemade guacamole, peach mango salsa, kalamata olive hummus, cucumber slices and whole grain pita chips...for around a thousand calories. and that was after an hour long turbo kick class followed by 5k training that left my shirt completely soaking wet.

so while i felt like i failed on the scale this morning, and i felt like i failed by having such intense cravings, and i felt like i failed when i took a chicken strip and a brownie bite....i still succeeded. and if i haven't lost 30 pounds by friday, i will have lost it by next friday. then it's on to the next goal.

a big, special, amazing thank you to the rebooters who talked me off of my ledge today. tony reminded me that if i attacked the food counter in the style of cookie monster, i would have to write "i can't believe i..." on my blog tonight. i know i couldn't have walked away from it without those people on my side.

tomorrow i want to work out about 6 times, but i'll settle for 2. i have a lot of (healthy) food in my belly right now, so there's a chance the scale will be ugly in the morning. that means friday morning is my final hope. then it's off to NYC....

beef boats

well if i have one regret from today it's that i didn't take a picture of the item that inspired the title of this post.

my day was stressful. work was hectic and several people pissed me off today (outside of work). i was so busy i didn't have much time for nourishment. i had lemon water at 10, green juice at noon and some edamame around 3:30. then i headed to band practice.

it was a long practice, and the guys decided to make a food run in the middle. and where do they go? to a place called "schnabs burgers." the biggest, most delicious looking burgers you've ever seen, fries, shakes, the works. it smelled like heaven, especially since my soybeans and juice had happened so much earlier in the day.

the guys are all low-carb dieters. and it was "triple tuesday," so for the price of a double, they all got triple cheeseburgers without buns. they came in these cardboard containers, piled with toppings like grilled mushrooms and onions, pickles, tomato, etc. then they poured on ketchup, mustard, mayo....soon there were three enormous beef boats in front of me. all at the same time i was envious, appalled, amused, weak, strong, sad, ambivalent... one guy was truly feeling bad, saying how sorry he was to eat this in front of me. the other guy gave me the raised eyebrow when i said i'm mostly sticking to vegan, raw when possible. the third, well he's cute...i said i'm eating vegan, and he said, "well do you want just like one bite of my burgers?" i explained that i had a very specific labor day - new york city goal and that i'm THISCLOSE to hitting it, so no caving tonight. but i'll tell you what. those beef boats sure did look delicious and repulsive!

the worst thing about the dinner break, however, was that it made me get home 30 minutes too late to be able to go to the Y. i felt guilty all day for choosing my hair over the gym. it didn't even end up looking that good. lesson learned. when i got home at 9:45 i was famished. i had some garlic hummus, a large pear, some pistachios and some tea. i felt like i could eat 10 pounds of food if it was in front of me, but i feel better now.

i am nervous about the weekend ahead. it includes a trip to new york, a fundraiser and then my birthday. danger, danger, danger. but that's all the more reason why i can't take any rides on beef boats before the weekend. basically 56 hours stand between me and my self-imposed 30 pound deadline. the scale didn't budge today, which means i still have 2.3 pounds to lose. it doesn't look good, folks. right now i'm remembering things like my last trip to NY, pageant weekend with the italian meal, the dressing baby, all the days i hit snooze instead of going to the gym. just a few different decisions would easily have me at 30 pounds right now.

i guess i need to stop obsessing about the 30, and start obsessing about the 40 i still need to lose.

does running late count as exercise?

that was the quote on the marker board at the YMCA this morning, which was appropriate, because i was there almost 3 hours later than planned. but better late than never, right?

today i did w4d1 of c25k. today's routine was run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds. run 5 minutes, walk 2 minutes. repeat. i KILLED those 5 minute runs. i took my kindle today and enlarged the font so i was able to read while jogging. i think that helped to distract me. next week there's a straight 20 minute run. ack!

came home and weighed myself....success! the scale finally moved down, and the dressing baby is gone! 1.8 pounds gone this morning, leaving me with only 2.3 to lose before friday. piece of cake.

or...piece of CHEESECAKE? accckkkk! i got to work feeling strong, confident, happy and full of willpower. then jessica, AKA evil betty crocker devilwoman, showed up with white chocolate chip cheesecakes. no one could shut up about how amazing they were, and i wanted to bash them all in the face. finally i took one small bite, and it WAS delish. in my previous life, i would have had at least 3 of these badboys today. but i was satisfied by my taste.

i stuck to juice the rest of the day, other than a little bit of hummus when i got home from the theater tonight. i saw "spamalot" which was very funny and a nice distraction from being hungry.

so tomorrow....i should go to the gym in the morning because i have band practice in the evening. however, i got my hair highlighted today, and she straightened my hair. as soon as it gets wet it will be curly again. i REALLY want to get a day's use out of the straightness. sooooo....i'll probably skip the gym in the morning and hope to be home from practice in time to still get into the Y before closing time.

and that's the news from panda nation today. time for some magic tea, then hopefully sweet dreams. i hope everyone stayed strong today with the oodles of candy and treats lurking about!

trick or treat, smell my feet!

do you guys get annoyed when i post pictures of things we're NOT supposed to have?

anyway, hi! let me just say that i'm glad i don't have kids coming home with bags of candy this weekend! but this giant bucket of goodness is in my kitchen ready to pass out tomorrow night. i stood next to it while i made my tea tonight, and i wasn't even slightly tempted. which made me think about how pre-reboot, i would have grabbed one of each candy bar and taken it back to my room to eat in bed while watching tv. i'm ashamed by how little thought i gave to the things i put into my mouth before.

in anticipation of halloween being difficult, i gave my mom several bags of smarties and asked her to pass those out this year. i knew i would never be tempted by smarties! she said, "we can't just hand out smarties, our house will be toilet papered!" i claimed that no one cares what kind of candy you give out, but tonight i found this online poll naming smarties the lamest of all halloween candies, so i guess it's good that she added the other stuff. as long as i keep not eating it, everything will be ok.

zumba was a lot of fun today. several people dressed up, so i didn't feel out of place in my panda costume. we got apples and cereal bars as treats, and she did a zumba cd giveaway. there was a lot of energy in the room, and i worked at 100% of my ability. the difference between what i can do on sunday afternoon vs. saturday morning is remarkable. i'll just never be a morning person.

tomorrow i'm going back to my mean green juice. i needed a break because it was impossible to get down after a month or so. but this week is the final push before i leave for NYC with the band friday morning, and i am so determined to leave ohio 30 pounds lighter than i was at our last gig on labor day. i had been at only 3.5 pounds left to goal on friday morning. but after "the dressing incident" i now have to take off 5 pounds in 5 days. crapola.

i know it's not like i FAILED if i "only" lost 28 pounds...but i set this goal and i want to make it happen. if that means two trips to the Y every day this week, then so be it. if it means shaving my head and cutting off my fingernails, then that's what i'll do. ok, that was a lie.

i saw a post on the facebook page today that really grabbed my attention:

Day 8. Nine pounds. I woke up this morning with a feeling I couldn't immediately identify. It's something pretty foreign to me. I have spent my adult life (I'll bet like most of you) on one diet or another. I am a diet expert. It's the results part that have eluded me. I can stick to a diet like nobody's business, but that's hard to justify when the weight loss just doesn't come. Today I realized I'm feeling........hope.

i could have written this post myself. for only the second time in my life that i can remember, i feel like i might really succeed at getting to a healthy weight. and the other time i felt that kind of hope i was on the complete opposite path, on the atkins diet. this time i feel like i've got a healthier plan, and that gives me even MORE hope. 

and now i've got to get some sleep. the Y opens in 5 hours and 15 minutes, so the crazies will probably start lining up in about an hour. i'm smiling as i visualize myself breaking up the fitness friends again tomorrow morning!

Zzzzzumba

7:20am came too soon. i did NOT want to get out of bed for zumba and yoga. i never do, but today was worse. i tried to come up with excuses not to go, but at 7:40 i knew i had to work off last night's foodfest, so i went to the Y. normally once i'm there i'm fine and happy. today, not so much. i never really woke up. i pretty much half-assed zumba until the last 3 songs. i fell asleep during meditation in yoga. i heard her say "melt into your mat" and then "sit up when you're ready" and missed the 10 minutes between those statements. turns out that a common side effect of being pregnant with a food baby is sudden onset coma.

i came home and went back to bed. i spent the whole time shivering. no matter what i did, i couldn't get warm. for a little while i thought maybe i was getting sick. finally i went and dug out another blanket and i felt better.

got on the scale before and after my nap, and it was the same both times. up 1.5 pounds from yesterday morning. the tea had already done its job, so i couldn't tell myself it was THAT. could i have truly gained 1.5 pounds of fat from what i ate last night after 2 workouts and only about 150 other calories during the day? probably not, but it's still disheartening to see it on the scale. if i had the decision to make over again, i don't think i'd be able to change it though. i am powerless against that particular entree.

so tonight i had made plans to eat with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, PF changs. this was the compromise from his original suggestion of a pizza/pasta place. instead of reverting back to my old mentality of "well i have already screwed up this weekend, might as well live it up," i prepared myself. before i left i got on their website and reviewed the nutrition information for their menu. i entered all of the "diet friendly" entrees into my phone along with their calorie counts and servings per entree.

we had vegetarian lettuce wraps, which were 97% as delicious as the real deal. YUM, and totally worth the 320 calories, although for the life of me i can't figure out how there are 320 calories in that. for my meal, i had the steamed buddah's feast--baked tofu and mixed vegetables including asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, mushrooms and others - -55 calories, 0 fat. i skipped the rice and had sides of spinach stir fried with garlic (i ate half, for 25 calories and 1.5g fat) and sichuan asparagus -- asparagus wok fired with sichuan preserves, onion, chili flakes and garlic (i had half for 50 calories and 3g fat). not only did i leave there with my belly absolutely stuffed for only 420 calories...but my standard-american-diet eating friend tried all of my selections, loved them, and took home the leftovers that i didn't want to contend with.

if PF chang's wasn't 45 minutes away, i would eat that asparagus several times a week. and i have to hand it to this restaurant. they offer many of their selections in vegetarian variations, and they also have an extensive gluten free menu, which even includes a dessert. plus their regular desserts come in "minis," ranging from 180-220 calories. i had such a good time in such a nice restaurant, and i didn't have to feel left out or deprived. success.

i didn't have dessert at the restaurant, but i had whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top of my evening: i saw my stupid ex boyfriend, and he is a lot fatter and i am a lot skinner than the last time i saw his idiot face.

tomorrow zumba is at 4pm, so i should have no problem waking up for that. plus we get to wear costumes (i'm going to be a panda, duh), and we're doing the "thriller" dance AND we get healthy treats. FUN!

blood battle

my top four fears are spiders, ghosts, tornadoes and aliens. after that comes needles. i tried to face my fear by getting a small tattoo several years ago. i hated the way it felt and now i hate the way it looks. experiment failed. so today there was a blood battle (blood drive competition) leading into a rivalry football game tomorrow night. each year i try so hard to psyche myself up to do it. every year i fail. i mean, my mom still has to go with me when i need blood drawn, if that tells you anything.

this story doesn't have a feel-good ending where i overcome the odds. i decided not to do it. a big part of that was that i've just felt a little run down the past couple of days, and i really needed to be able to get through my workout tonight. but when i was making a list of pros and cons, one of the pros was, "it might make me weigh a few ounces less." and THAT is how you know you're a scale addict, folks!

speaking of addictions, i got an iphone today around 4pm. went to zumba at 6 with every intention of doing c25k after. but i couldn't wait to get back to my phone and practically ran out of zumba when it ended. technically it wasn't c25k day anyway since i did it yesterday. but i'm trying to take fewer resting days than scheduled so i can finish the whole plan before the turkey trot.

since i worked out, and since i've been feeling a little weak, i had a meal after the gym--a vegan bean "burrito" i found in the organic section at giant eagle, and some rice with peach mango salsa. tomorrow night, i'll just tell you now, i'm having white bread, chicken, eggs and i'm not sure what else is in there. my mom's dressing (you may call it stuffing) is the highlight of thanksgiving. this year however, circumstances dictate that we have to go out for our meal. so my mom made it for tomorrow night's pre-game party at our house, and i'm going to have some. there are some things that you just can't fight. i'm still winning the war against the mcrib, but this dressing...it's bigger than me. it is pre-made and in the fridge right now, and frankly i'm shocked that i'm not upstairs secretly baking a dish to eat tonight. THAT can be my victory. i honestly don't even care if i gain a pound. totally worth it.

oh..and please remind me that i said that when i'm crying on saturday because i gained a pound.

life before 6am

today i did something i've never done in my life: i went to the gym before 6am.

i had to wake up early to help a friend get to work, so i figured i might as well make up for not being able to go to the gym last night. in my mind, i'd waltz right into the gym at 5:45 and have the run of the house. all of the finest freshly washed towels, pick of the best treadmills, peace and quiet.

holy hell, was i sadly mistaken.

that place is more of a madhouse at 5:45am than at 5:45pm. not only did i not have my pick of the BEST treadmills, i was relegated to the very WORST treadmill. the one that shocks you if your hands are sweaty when you check your heart rate. the one with not enough display options, so it switches back and forth, always lingering on the one you don't want to see at that moment. the one in the back row, too far to read the closed caption on the tv's. think steerage on the titanic, folks. but i powered through in my meager conditions and felt good about doing it before the break of dawn.

my plan was for that to be "last night's" workout, then to do another one after work today. heh. turns out four hours of sleep is not a motivator for a repeat appearance at the gym. i came home and blessed my family with my grumpiness instead! lucky them!

today i had a power struggle in my brain. it was the final day for our local farmer's market. they make these really amazing wood fired pizzas out of fresh, local ingredients. as far as pizza goes, these are as healthy as they come. but it is still flour, it's still some cheese, it's still a good 800 calories for the pie. BUT it was my final chance to have one until MAY! i fought with myself all day about it. in the end i decided i just could not bear to see the scale possibly go up instead of down tomorrow after the stellar week i've had. also my birthday is next week and i had previously requested my favorite meal: homemade meatloaf, mac and cheese, and pumpkin roll for dessert. but today i emailed my mom and called that off too. i just can't thwart momentum like this. i'm going to enjoy a special food treat on friday this week, so i have to sacrifice in some other areas.

so speaking of the scales.... i forgot to weigh last wednesday, so this is a 6 day total: 5.4 pounds! WOOT! that's an entire fat log in one week!  if i can lose 3.7 before next friday, i'll have met my 30 pound goal between labor day and the new york trip with the band. 9 days...that's less than half a pound a day. body don't fail me now!

now if just ONE person who doesn't have any idea i've been dieting would notice my weight loss, i'd feel like i'm really accomplishing something. i know i'm a fatass, but damn. 26.3 pounds and not one random comment? hmph.

and it's not because i think my car is sweet....

well i've become one of those people. the type that park out at the end of the parking lot far away from everyone else. it's not because i'm protective of my car. rather it's because i've been abducted by aliens who probed my brain and sent me back to earth as the kind of girl who chooses to walk farther than necessary to burn off a few extra calories.

today i planned to go to the Y after work to do my 5k training. but throughout the day i lost motivation. i had trouble sleeping last night, only getting about 4 hours. i felt a little shaky and ick all day. i tried everything i could think of to talk myself out of going to the gym at the end of the day. but the next thing i knew, i was jogging on a treadmill.

tomorrow night i have band practice, which is normally one of my favorite places in the world to be. but this week i'm really annoyed that i have to miss zumba and yoga to be there.

what has happened to me? the balance of power has shifted. the fat used to control me, but now i am controlling the fat. i'm telling it where to go. remember the fat logs? i am less than a pound from having lost FIVE of them now.

my intent has been to go all-juice for the next 10 days. but for a variety of reasons, i haven't made that happen. i've been drinking organic juice (lakewood) and eating healthy foods. tonight i made the best dinner. kashi tlc pita crisps (click here for a $1.00 coupon), my new healthy snack addiction. then peach mango salsa, cucumber, and ah-maz-ing guacamole that i made. it's incredible how good something like this tastes, and what a treat it seems to be, compared with the way i used to eat. let's be honest, if i wasn't rebooting, odds are 10:10 that i would have had a mcrib, fries, pumpkin pie and peppermint mocha for my dinner tonight-- 1420 calories.

i have really been overwhelmed by the comments i've received from people this week telling me that i've inspired them. i'll touch on that a bit more tomorrow. tonight i just want to stress again that if i can do this, you can do this. i'm not even doing 100% juice anymore, and i'm still seeing great results. so if you ARE still fasting, you'll see even better results even faster. however you are reaching your goals, the important thing is to stay in control, and not to let losing a battle keep you from winning the war.

this one's for scratch (and anyone on a budget)

a reader posted this comment on yesterday's blog entry: I immediately began seeing results and was so motivated. Then the reality of the cost of this made me stop. I found it to be very expensive! Would you mind sharing any tips on keeping the costs reasonable? 

i think i spent nearly $100 in my first few days of juicing, plus the cost of the juicer itself. i was really worried about how i would afford to keep doing this. but i learned and adapted along the way.

1. i bought too much produce starting out. i thought i would want to be uber-creative and have 3-4 different juices every day to keep things interesting. eventually i learned that i was fine with the same juice all day every day for a few days in a row. so much of what i bought the first week went bad before i could juice it because the produced netted more juice than i expected, and i dank less than i expected. when you stick to one or two recipes at a time, you tend not to over-buy.

2. watch for sales. i will go to 2 and sometimes 3 different stores to get what i need, depending on what i plan to drink. if aldi has a sale on lemons and carrots, i go there, and then hit giant eagle for kale and cucumbers. check the sale ads on sunday and then determine what you can juice that week for the lowest cost.

3. freeze it. if you get a great deal on something, make extra juice and freeze it for later. sure it's ideal if you can drink it right away. but the reboot nutritionist said it's fine to freeze it for up to a month. this can be a time saver, too. make a huge batch over the weekend and you don't have to touch your juicer again for a week!

4. i have a great farmer's market in my town. unfortunately, this will be the final week for that. i was also blessed to have many friends with gardens who gave me lots of overstock. i also read somewhere about someone who talks to the produce managers at her local stores, and they will sell her boxes of produce that are not fit for the shelves anymore. she juices them right away and freezes the juice--and gets a HUGE box of produce for $5.

5. i cheat. i have purchased a LOT of bottled juice at my local health food store. in place of "mean green," i drank bottles of lakewood juice's "lean green." i purchase a case at a time (6 bottles) to get a 10% discount, which makes them about $4 a bottle. a bottle plus some edamame or an apple, seeds and nuts will get me through my day, and i can't make a batch of mean green for $4. i also love the r.w. knudsen low sodium very veggie juice. i gently warm it in the microwave and eat it with a spoon like tomato soup. i could never make a juice this good, this easily for $4-$5. buying these bottled juices made my life so much easier. but be careful...i am so sick of "lean green" right now that i can't even force it down. use these to supplement, not as 100% of your juice.

6. i eat. if you've been following along at home, you know that i juiced for 18 days, then went to new york and ate the big apple. and the big thai meal. and the big cupcake. after that i never completely went back to long periods of juice only. but i have learned how to use healthy foods to supplement what i do with juice. except for the 2 weekends when i have completely let myself go, i have lost weight every single week on this modified plan. eating some simple raw foods like edamame, hummus or unsalted roasted sunflower seeds helps to fill me up, meaning i need less juice. sometimes i'll chop up an entire head of iceberg lettuce or a whole bag of baby spinach and mix it with a little bit of olive oil, then drench with red wine vinegar and top with the sunflower seeds. this is a huge meal that contains under 150 calories and costs under $2 to make.

7. i keep in mind what i used to spend on food. it was nothing for me to pick up a fast food lunch 5 days a week. subway cost $8 for a sandwich, sun chips and drink. wendy's was nearly $7 for the salad i loved. taco bell was $5 for the big beefy box. so that was $25-$40 a week just for lunch. not to mention snacks from the machine at work, a mid-afternoon run to mcdonald's for a $3 frappe or mocha. then the weekend would hit and i'd routinely be at dinner with friends, easily spending $30 on a meal, drinks and tip. i really think that on this plan i am probably saving money compared to the way i used to eat.

8. making other sacrifices to afford this diet will save me money in the long run. consider this paragraph from usnews.com: The annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man, according to George Washington University researchers. Being overweight, meanwhile, costs $524 for women and $432 for men. Driving up the price-tag are employee sick days, lost productivity, short-term disability, emergency room care, and even the need for extra gasoline. One reason the costs are higher for a woman? Past research suggests larger women earn less than skinnier women, while men's wages don't vary based on their weight, the study authors say. The report also averages in the economic value of lost life, since obesity can lead to earlier death—which brings the annual costs up further to $8,365 for women and $6,518 for men. 

did you hear that, ladies? our fatness is reflected in our wages! fat dudes can still get good jobs and hot chicks if they are smart and have decent personalities (or decent bank accounts). but fat chicks, no matter how smart or personable, just have a tougher time getting ahead. 


9. juice in-season. different fruits and vegetables fluctuate in cost depending on your geographic location. find out what's nearby and in season, then plan your juices around that quarterly. when i started juicing i could get cantaloupes bigger than my head for $1.50. now if i can find them at all they are small, hard, and $3-$4.

10. i don't have another tip, but who could leave a list at only 9 items? i guess i'd just say to try making a list of the things you spend money on, and see where you can cut back for awhile. if you smoke, now is a great time to quit and use that money for your health. if you buy coffee every day, pick up a box of herbal tea and drink that instead. as for me, i make my warm lemon water my morning beverage. if you drink alcohol, cut that out while juicing for obvious reasons. manis? pedis? unplanned shopping trips? top of the line shampoos and perfumes? food, clothes and shelter for your kids? ok, you can't skimp on that stuff. but just keep in mind that your life is worth splurging on.

i have read that the cost of juicing runs most people an average of $14 per day. that amounts to $840 in 60 days. i'd say i'm doing it for closer to $10 a day. which would be a lot of extra expense if i was still buying all of those lunches and frappes. but for me, it has not really been a hardship. if you can't afford the cost, try doing all juice just 3 days a week, and eating as healthy as possible the other days. this should still give you results.

if anyone has any other tips or questions, please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at cheeserbeezer@gmail.com. good luck, scratch. hope this helps!

i've crossed the line

last night i visited with a friend i hadn't seen in a few weeks. she kept saying, "i can't believe how much less of you there is!" i know i'm smaller, but i still don't feel like it's that noticeable. but she said, "you have crossed the line now. you used to be an overweight girl who was pretty. now you're a pretty girl with a few pounds to lose." ok, if by a few she means 40-50...but still, today i saw what she meant.

first of all, that picture you see is of size 16 old navy jeans, on my person, buttoned and zipped. do you know how long it's been since i bought a pair of size 16's? long enough that i don't even have them anymore. i gave up on ever being that size again. plus when i WAS that size, it was such a brief time that i probably only had 2 pairs of jeans anyway. now in the interest of full disclosure, these 16's definitely muffin-top me, and i won't be wearing them in public anytime soon. they are my new "inspiration" jeans, since all of my old inspiration jeans fit again. plus they were on sale for $17 and i figured i should snag them now before they're $30 again.

as i shopped today, i felt different. when i'd see my reflection in a store window or in the fitting room mirror, i didn't want to cry. instead of seeing how far i have to go, i could see how far i have come. when i was looking through the racks of clothes, i didn't feel like people were looking at me thinking, "do they even sell her size here? she must be shopping for a gift for someone else." i even tried on a coat at old navy that was too big, and they didn't have the next size down so i couldn't get it. really can't tell you the last time i couldn't buy something because they didn't have it one size SMALLER.

i took this picture of me in the fitting room. like i said, the jeans are the highway to muffin top city. but other than that, i don't hate the body in this picture. this girl looks kinda normal. and i can see the potential here when another 25 pounds come off. that will be life changing stuff...and bank account depleting stuff, because i don't know how i'll be able to stop myself from buying every single cute thing that fits me.

today is the reason why i didn't eat the 6 day old pizza. and it's the reason why i got out of bed this morning at 7:30 and worked out at the gym for 90 minutes. i actually had some pizza last night. brand new, hot, delicious pizza. 2 small pieces. and after i got home from the gym this morning, i weighed less than i did yesterday. that is how you eat pizza...occasionally and in a small helping. then you exercise it away. emotionally i am HAPPY that i had that pizza last night. but imagine how i would have felt if i'd finished that box of gross leftover pizza just because i was sad and bored.

so this is me on september 5th, two days before i started my reboot. this was the day i ate a milkshake, mexican for lunch, japanese for dinner and a blizzard to top it off. i remember thinking i looked really pretty that day. then i saw this picture on facebook and almost cried. now i'm so thankful this picture is there because i have something to remind me of why i'm doing this.

i had every intention of writing a blog last night, but got too sleepy. the subject was going to be how i found out "mcrib is BACK" at mcdonald's and how they have peppermint mochas and pumpkin pies are 2 for $1, and how hard this would make my life. but today....i don't care. if i want a mcrib, i'll have one, not three. not with fries and a shake. but i probably won't have one because it can't possibly taste as good as it felt to come home with a pair of size 16 jeans today. look out, 14's...i'm coming for you next.

now if i could only find a store with an iphone 4s in stock, this would be the best day ever.

STEP#5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

this leftover pizza (not mine) is in the refrigerator, and it's all i can think about. what the hell is my problem? it's SIX days old. it can't even be good anymore! but there's a little demon in my brain saying, "go eat it...eat it all, eat it in the darkness while everyone is sleeping and it will be our secret. say you threw it away and they will never know." i swear i need an AA type sponsor, i'm a fricking addict. so this blog post is my step #5, admitting to God, to myself and to my blog readers that i am a big fat idiot. i want this nasty, dried up, grease-laden pizza in my belly. and i want to wash it down with ice cream and doritos. and then to be entirely honest, i want to stick my finger down my throat and throw it all up, because i want to eat it but i don't want it to count. sigh.

but i won't do any of that. i just had a few pistachios to shut my stomach up. i had some tomato juice today and some carrot juice. some soybeans and some black beans. a few pita chips, an apple. it's a mixed bag for me right now. i really want to do a week of all juice, but it just got so....gross. and it's a LOT of work to make juice, as most of you know. but my original reason for starting this, the trip to NYC, is only 2 weeks away. if i could juice for a straight week i could probably drop another 7 pounds. but...ugh.

many asked if i had any effects today from last night's pepper disaster. my face and eyes were fine. i opened up new contacts, because i was afraid the pepper would never come off of the ones i had in last night, and i wasn't about to find out the hard way. although based on what i've read tonight, saline would have taken care of it because salt is one of the few things that the oil can bond to. live and learn. i do think i suffered what amounts to a chemical burn on my thumb. whenever i touched something warm today, it felt like it had been burned on a hot stove. when i took a hot bath tonight (sore muscles from last night's training session), it KILLED. at least i hope it's from the pepper because webMD says it could be anything from thyroid disease to rabies. wonderful.

i do have to say that even though i'm still about 40-50 pounds from my ultimate goal, i am happy with my progress. tonight i told my mom that since january 2010 i have lost 60 pounds. unfortunately it has been the same 20 pounds 3 different times. this time i HAVE to keep going instead of gaining it back and starting over. this weekend an old friend i haven't seen in almost a year is coming to town and wants to get together. while i wish i was going to be a surprise knockout and a size 8, i'm glad i know that i weigh 7 pounds less than the last time i saw him. hopefully the next time i'll be that size 8. so hear you me, demon. six day old leftover pizza is not the way to get into tiny pants. let's just go to sleep instead.

it looked like a good, big, healthy snack

just 10 minutes ago i was in the midst of a terrible trauma, people! let's back up about 30 minutes. i was really hungry, and i hadn't eaten/drank much today considering the way i worked out. a zumba friend had given me some lovely peppers, and i had some nice organic roasted red pepper hummus. i sliced up one of the "hot" peppers too and took a bite. wasn't bad at all.

but as i ate, my lips started to burn. not so much i couldn't stand it, but enough to feel "plump." i switched to the carrots and grapes and left the rest of the peppers behind.

then i reached for a makeup cleansing cloth from my gym bag, and that's when the trouble began. either the pepper oil was on my hands and went through the cloth, or i smeared it from my lips up onto the rest of my face. suddenly my eyes were on FIRE, along with the rest of my face. i blindly made my way to the bathroom where i decided i needed to pull out my contacts. mistake # 3. the pain was so intense it honestly crossed my mind that i might end up blind. i grabbed a cool washcloth and that didn't help much. with eyes closed i found a handful of cotton balls and made my way into the kitchen where without opening my eyes i managed to pour some milk into a cup. then i soaked the cotton balls in it and applied to my face and eyes. this cooled me enough to be able to open my eyes and then clean off my milky face. when i got back to the bathroom i found out that i had succeeded in removing my contacts which were stuck to the floor, and that i appeared to have just had a chemical peel. as i write this i have a cooling masque on my face.

i'm sure you'll understand that after suffering that much, i totally deserved one bite of delicious peanut butter ice cream. you know, just to cool off my mouth. heh.

to make things worse, this was the second bodily harm i suffered today! as mentioned, i had an appointment with a personal trainer tonight. i now officially know that i would not survive a day on the biggest loser ranch. he definitely pushed me, but he didn't scream obscenities at me a'la jillian michaels. parts of my body hurt that i didn't even know existed. my entire shirt was soaked except for the lovely outline of my sports bra. hot. while i don't think i could ever work that hard again, i also want to hire this guy to put me through the wringer every week. it's that love/hate pleasure/pain thing you get from a great workout.

when i got home from that, i actually weighed a pound less than i did this morning. which puts me back in milestone territory. as i mentioned last night, friday had been a big day. i finally hit my first goal, then soared back past it over the weekend. i've now lost 5.1 of the 5.5 pounds i gained over the weekend. whew. off to the races.

the title of tonight's blog was said in the voice of the rock biter from one of my favorite movies of all time, the never ending story. such a sad scene.