Tuesday, September 27, 2011

43 days left

i have a lot to say. so grab a juice and get comfy.

you may notice that i didn't subtract the number of days that i've been gone from my title. or that i didn't write last night. that's because the wheels fell off the wagon and i ate food every day i was gone. now i have to add days to my fast.

on friday i was very busy at work and only manged to get 120 calories of juice in me before my plane landed in new york city at 7pm. the port authority building had a jamba juice so i grabbed an "apples and greens" on my way to catch the bus to my friend's apartment. it was loaded with spirulina, which i have been drinking in my juice. but jamba blends juice with whole fruits and ice for a smoothie effect, and this was one grody smoothie. after every drink the inside of my mouth felt coated with slime from the blue green algae. i couldn't get it down, and i was starving. so that night i ordered from my favorite thai restaurant in NY. i kept it vegetarian---edamame and vegetable pad thai with marinated bean curd instead of chicken. i ate slowly, thinking it would probably really affect my stomach. but it didn't, so i kept shoveling it in until it was almost gone. SO good.

on saturday we went to the high line. it's a park built on an old elevated train track in chelsea. we walked about a mile and a half to the end, where there was a  beer garden and FOOD TRUCKS. i have a serious thing for food trucks. they affect the same part of my brain as foods on sticks. there was a korean kimichi truck, and they had vegetarian options! i had refried kimichi infused beans on wontons with queso, and kimichi tacos with falafel instead of pork. heaven. i couldn't even finish it all.

we attempted to visit quintessence later, the raw vegan place i mentioned in previous entries. that place has 4 tables and had a line out the door. it was going to be nearly a 2 hour wait, so we went back to the apartment. by the time we went back out that night it was nearly midnight and i was starving again. i had mac and cheese and hummus with carrot sticks. but they happened to have this irish cider that is really hard to find in the USA, so i had a pint of that. so good, but ugh.

the next day to make up for not having been to quintessence, and to honor debbie, and to feed my food truck addiction, we found a vegan food truck in hoboken called "the cinnamon snail." everything sounded so good! i had a raw pizza. if this had been my first meal after juice, i probably would have appreciated it more. the flax crust was...flaxy. and i tried a vegan cupcake. not bad, but definitely not a substitute for the high-test stuff. i also tried red curry grilled tofu, and really enjoyed it.

later that day we attended an arts and music festival, a half-mile long street fair. oh, the food! i had an ear of roasted corn, a pumpkin whoopie pie and a corn pancake with melted mozzarella in the middle. i was certain this would be my last solid food. but then...

at the airport they needed 3 people to give up seats on my flight in exchange for a free round trip ticket from the airline, plus a night in a hotel and the first flight out in the morning. i RAN to volunteer and was chosen. an hour later i found myself in a clarion hotel in NYC with a voucher for a meal. i got a veggie burger and fries, and a beer. my friend tom had sent me home with 4 cupcakes from a renowned bakery which i intended to give my family. well a night alone in a hotel room....and that cakey "crack" next to me....2 cupcakes went into my mouth. gah!!!

the next morning, having been bumped to first class, i was given a bowl of fruit and tea on the plane first. then a basket of snacks was passed, and i took milano cookies (that i never ate) and fridays potato skins (which i did eat). when i got to work i had a glass of green juice. but all day i was haunted. i know that one "slip" doesn't mean you should ruin a whole day, but i have always fallen victim to that mindset-- "i ate pizza for lunch so i should have a blizzard while i'm blowing it." ALL day yesterday i was dying for a beef brisket sandwich and fries from blazin' burgers, near my house. i couldn't get it out of my head. after a whole weekend of at LEAST keeping vegetarian, all i could think of was this big meaty pile on a bun topped with cheddar and slaw. i didn't eat all day, trying to just give my stomach time to rest and process.

i went to my friend's house after work and kept talking about the brisket. she said "maybe you should just do it so you can get it out of your head and get a fresh start tomorrow." that's all it took. 20 minutes later i had a pile of fries and a sandwich half the size of my head. i ate most of the fries, then started on the sandwich. luckily i only ate about 1/4 before i was full and disgusted with myself. but then i had another cupcake. fail, fail, fail. when i got home i put the rest of the sandwich in the garbage disposal.

this morning i woke up excited about getting back to the juice. i still felt full and gross and ashamed from last night. i had my warm lemon water, then a glass of green juice this morning. i had a lunch meeting where they served pizza, chips and cookies, and i agonized like an addict, but i didn't have any. back at work a restaurant had sent over a pan of sloppy joes and buns, and the smell filled the air. i didn't cave, and instead had a glass of pomegranate juice. about 15 minutes later i started to feel sick. my stomach was making terrible sounds and i felt like i was about to lose my juice...and i did. then "the other end" got into the spirit of things and sent me back into the bathroom. after that i felt weak and my stomach was still making awful noises, but i was so certain i wasn't sick.  after an hour or so i felt mostly better. still a little "ick," but no more bathroom emergencies. i decided not to go to zumba however, thinking that jumping and sweating might not be a good plan. around 7 i went to the japanese restaurant and got some edamame (steamed soybeans) and clear soup. i felt like i needed something in my stomach, but kept it light and veggie. then i had some sugar free jello. so while today was not technically all juice, it was the best i could do with the circumstances i had. i felt so much better after eating that little bit of food, and i'm fully prepared to do all juice again tomorrow. i think my digestive system just finally had enough of my ridiculousness. in particular, the meat. i ate all of those things i described over the weekend without any consequence. then 4-5 bites of meat and then i'm a juice fountain into the toilet bowl the next day. lesson learned.

i will say that mentally i am finding it harder to get back on this than it was to start it. i know what i'm in for now, and it was so nice this weekend trying new and delicious things. but i know i will pay the price for that (and missing zumba on saturday, sunday and tuesday) on the scale tomorrow morning. hopefully that will motivate me to get back on the plan and stay on it.

all in all, it was a really fun weekend, and i'm glad i went in one respect. but i would not purposely book another trip until my juice fast is over. i cannot be trusted with myself, and once i give myself an inch, i take 6 miles and a brisket sandwich.

i truly feel like an alcoholic, but food is my hooch. i make myself sick sometimes.

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